To those who are able to have full No Contact

[rapunzel]

Just want to say that when you have to have contact with an ex for work reasons (or for divorce, with kids reasons) it is downright brutal. It delays healing and any contact sends the dumpee into overanalysis mode.

 

I am supposed to have a rehearsal with my ex tomorrow night, and I think I'm going to skip it. It's just too hard. I think I'm going to quit the group but I have to wait now until the end of April, as I have a big benefit show with dare I say, world famous rock stars (I'm just a back up singer but it's pretty exciting) and it would be dumb for me to say no to this. Unfortunately, my ex is also doing this benefit show even though this is not our group. I got the gig through connections with our group.

 

I'm fearful he will be bringing new younger gal to this show when last year at the same time, he came to me with a huge hour long mea culpa, escorted me to the rehearsal and the big show, and it was all very confusing. And we started up a month later, but of course that all came crashing down a few months after that and I'm still picking up the pieces as I have not been able to do No Contact (until I quit).

 

So if you have the ability to do full No Contact, embrace it, stick to it and be glad you can do it. For your own sanity and peace of mind. Just my opinion this morning.

[iamtrying]

Hi rapunzel..

Wow,this must be so hard for you..Makes me feel a little stupid when i never need to have contact with him (my ex)..Its really hard, this back-up singing thing sounds amazing, i would love the opportunity - if i could sing But then again, your ex is there and it prevents you from fully moving on. I think if this has been going on for too long - being unable to move on because he's in the group with you - dont outright quit. But possibly look elsewhere for any other opportunities similar to what you have now. You shouldnt have to quit. But if you are 100% sure that this is a major set back in your healing process, you may have to. It depends though. Does the group thing you are currently in, mean a whole lot to you? If its your passion, you shouldn't be forced to leave because of him. Maybe give yourself a break from the group, and re-join when u think you are ready?

Im sorry im not very helpful. This is a really hard situation. Do u have any other thoughts related to this you would like to share? Looking forward to hearing back from you..

-iamtrying

[TBE_1989]

You are so right, rapunzel.

 

NC really is a blessing,but unfortunately there are always going to be situations in which it would be selfish/impractical/wrong to continue or initiate NC with an ex.

 

While my ex is merely my first love and there are no kids or scores of mutual friends or interests involved, I still had to break NC a few months back to help him out, and while I don't regret being selfless enough to do that, I regret the confusion it has brought upon me. Just look at the recent threads I've posted to see how it has affected me.

 

NC is difficult, and it can be hurtful, in a way. But breaking it and going through confusion and setbacks is ten times more difficult and hurtful, trust me.

[rapunzel]

Thanks for your reply.

 

I don't think they'd be patient enough for me to take a break. At least one of the guys would not. They are planning a new recording and maybe a video, to start second week in April. I don't want to do a video.

 

The band has meant a lot to me, as it has afforded me musical and social opportunities I would otherwise not have had (e.g. being on stage with famous rock stars). I am friends with other people in the group but lately I just feel self-conscious and awkward, since I know this guy that rejected me twice is dating a younger woman and she will most likely be at our shows. My friend/bandmate has said "oh, he'll dump her too" but who knows? He turns 50 this year and maybe that will make him want to settle down.

 

So it definitely has delayed my healing yet my pride has made me stay and not give it up just because of him.

 

I think he wants to be "friends", invited me to hang out with him a few weeks ago (I never returned the call) and sent me a card at the beginning of the year, thanking me and saying he hoped we'd always be friends. I thought it was interesting that the first invite to "hang" with me came 3 weeks after he brought this new girl to our show. What up with that? But we all know that no one who has been dumped can be "friends" until a long period of No Contact has ensued. Which I have not had....the longest I've had has been 3 weeks.

[renaissancewoman101]

Personally, I dont think you should have to quit the band, esp since he was the one to break up with you, string you along and mistreat you. I feel bad that he hurt you and then you end up getting the short end of the stick by feeling like you have to give up something that has mean a lot to you, given you a lot of contacts and exposed you to the world out there. As you said, there aren't that many bands out there that can give you the social, work, and other outlets and contacts that you say this band gives you.

[browneyedgirl36]

I agree, Rapunzel, that full NC, for a time at least, is necessary to healing in almost all cases. As you know, I've been unable to do that too because of my job, and sometimes it CAN be brutal. Some days it's quite easy, really, but some days, something hits me, and it's painful.

 

I think skipping the rehearsal might be a good idea. And, I think that quitting might really be best for you. You will still think of him, of course, but not having him right in front of you, not having at least semi-regular contact with him, will make a difference. You won't forget him, of course -- you probably never will -- but his presence in your life won't be so immediate, and you'll be forced to focus more on other things. It's amazing what we do when we don't have any other choice. Sometimes, moving on is the only option, and that can be a good thing.

 

I think that you and I have a lot of similar things going on in our heads. After a particularly brutal conversation with my best friend last night, I had to face some pretty icky things that I didn't want to -- basically, that not only am I NOT over my ex (or even close), but that basically I have spent the last two years completely focused on him -- so many thoughts I have and decisions I make center around him and being on good terms with him -- not major life decisions, but a lot of little ones, even stuff like what I'm going to wear to work! Granted, he has messed with my head, most recently right around Christmas when he took me to dinner and we had a really intense conversation about our feelings, initiated by him -- and then...nothing. He continues in a relationship that he says isn't working, and I am on the outside, looking in, getting absolutely nothing out of this situation but grief. So, it's time for a plan. I realize that I advise everyone else to focus on themselves and not their exes, and I've been completely ignoring my own advice and not acknowledging that to myeslf.

 

So, today I'm making a list of how I will change this situation -- the behaviors that aren't working for me -- including the self-defeating thought patterns that hold me back -- and tackle them one or two at a time and work on changing them. This might be helpful for you, too -- maybe start with changing your thought patterns with regard to your ex. Instead of "My ex may end up with this girl and marry her," change it to "I have no idea what will happen. His life is his business and I need to focus on what I'm doing and my plans for myself." Instead of "My ex is really attractive, of course he'd go for a younger woman," how about "I am an attractive woman, and there are definitely men who will see that and want to be with me. My attractiveness is not determined by one person's preferences." I actually did this exercise a couple of years ago, and it helped a TON. Unfortunately, my ex sucked me back in at a vulnerable point in my life, and I focused so much on him that I stopped doing these exercises and started putting all my focus on him again --ugh. Now, though I know I need to be committed to doing these things. I could live another 50 years, and I don't want to continue to feel the way that I do -- not depressed, exactly, but STUCK.

 

I am always here for support if you need it!!!

[Daria_Lane]

Enjoy the band then after April, sincerely consider quitting. For your own sanity. The whole "well you shouldnt have to quit over him" doesnt matter anymore. You are in dire need of Full NC and quitting is your only option sadly.

 

I think skipping the rehearsal might be a good idea. And, I think that quitting might really be best for you. You will still think of him, of course, but not having him right in front of you, not having at least semi-regular contact with him, will make a difference. You won't forget him, of course -- you probably never will -- but his presence in your life won't be so immediate, and you'll be forced to focus more on other things. It's amazing what we do when we don't have any other choice. Sometimes, moving on is the only option, and that can be a good thing.

 

Exactly

[renaissancewoman101]

Why does everybody think she should quit???? It isn't as though she is the one that has done wrong. In a way, he hurt her, he broke her heart, etc. For her to quit, she is giving up a lot of things (connections, friends, etc).

[browneyedgirl36]

Why does everybody think she should quit???? It isn't as though she is the one that has done wrong. In a way, he hurt her, he broke her heart, etc. For her to quit, she is giving up a lot of things (connections, friends, etc).

 

Ren, this isn't about her -- or anyone, for that matter -- doing anything "wrong." It's about her not being able to move on properly unless she quits. It's been a long time since her break-up, and she's still at the stage where she is crying, feeling depressed, etc. After all this time, she isn't feeling any better at all. Quitting is not ideal, but sometimes, some of the best, healthiest things we can do for ourselves are the hardest things.

 

Have you ever had to work with an ex? It's excrutiating, especially when they've moved on to someone else and you have to see it/hear about it. I don't have to see my ex with his girlfriend, but I'm occasionally treated to snippets of conversation in which he talks about his weekend plans and such, and it's painful. I'm all for being strong and dignified and being professional, but there's only so much a person's heart can take, in my experience.

 

Honestly, I've fantasized about quitting my job to get away from my ex because I am in the exact same position -- my situation has improved, but I am still very sad sometimes, and it is almost unbearable seeing him knowing I can't be with him. I can't quit, though. It's my livelihood, the economy is terrible right now, and I'd be shooting myself in the foot BIG time if I gave up my only source of income right now. Plus, I went to school for years for my job, and I LOVE it. It's what I've always wanted to do. I will certainly think twice about dating a co-worker in the future. In fact, I'm 99.9% certain I won't.

[renaissancewoman101]

BEG, I do see your POV. I have never had to work with an ex. For the few times I have had a bf or a relationship, I have never tried to find someone at work to date. Mainly because I was afraid of what could happen if we never worked out.

 

That is also why I am leery of dating people I run in the same social circles because if a relationship ended, it would probably mean I would lose friends. This happened with the Rennie type people I hung with and through whom I met my last ex.

[yankeefan74]

Have you ever had to work with an ex? It's excrutiating, especially when they've moved on to someone else and you have to see it/hear about it.

 

Yes, it is excruciating....and my ex just broke up with the guy she starting seeing after me, and I've found that brings up a whole new set of feelings. lol.

 

Anyway, I've heard a lot of people say that you shouldn't date people you work with, but a huge percentage of couples that wind up married tend to meet at work because that's where you spend most of your time.

 

I think a better adage might be don't date people you work with if it's a small office. lol

[rapunzel]

Thanks browneyedgirl, these are good ideas, and I have a book on cognitive behavior therapy that has exercises much like these. These will help. This situation has been so stressful that I feel it has helped age me (which is a huge issue for me right now), and continued stress at this level is not good at all. The crying has subsided a bit over the last couple of days which is good news.

 

One guy has cancelled for rehearsal tonight, and I think in a while I will send an email that I'm not going to be there either. I just don't feel up to it and I have two more rehearsals before our April show, so I will go to those. Besides my gray hairs have come in and I don't feel like coloring them yet. Funny my ex has a big patch of gray hair and he doesn't have to worry about it. Such a double standard.

 

My bandmate/friend who I confide in and knows I am thinking of quitting, has said "so what if he breaks up with this girl, or isn't even seeing her anymore and you quit, how will you feel then?" I have considered this but the bottom line is he does not want to be with me and he will find someone else. My intuition tells me he is still seeing her, or I will assume this.

 

Another friend suggested I date like crazy (which would mean online dating) to meet someone else and that maybe I'd eventually find someone I really dug, and I could stay in the band. I have also considered this possibility but I don't feel like dating at all!

 

I agree it can be unbearable to see your ex and know you can't be with him. What is MORE unbearable is seeing him touching, flirting with and being happy with another woman!

 

And Ren, thanks for your thoughts. I go back and forth, and often times I find myself in your line of thinking: "why should I quit over him? It's his loss, I'm not leaving and he's going to have to deal with seeing ME!"

 

And agree with yankeefan, it is risky but a lot of people DO meet at work. Luckily if I do leave the band, I'm not giving up any income (this is more a labor of love, we do make some money but nothing to live on) but I am without a doubt giving up an excellent opportunity. I would not have this big high profile show I have coming up if not for the connections I made through this band.

[Daria_Lane]

you should use henna on your hair. better than most colorings

[circi]

I've read some of your past posts. With as long as this has gone on, you are not going to heal unless you get completely away from him and that seems to include quitting the band.

 

I don't know what your part is in the band, but I do know there are always bands looking for new members. Do yourself a favor and get away from him entirely so you can focus on the future instead of the past.

[ratfreak]

Could you reherse at diffrent times?

 

Or come up with a schedule where you come on week A and he does on week B?

[rapunzel]

Good idea but no, it wouldn't work unfortunately.

 

The conundrum I'm in now is that they are booking dates for the future, and I want to see how it goes at the early April show before I make my final decision. I'm responsible for booking one of the future dates so I would hate to book it and then leave. But I'm feeling pressure now to get the date nailed down, for the fall.

 

I'm feeling a little better about stuff but I fear I'll be back to square one if he is with new gal at the April show (assuming they are still together) and I have to witness more canoodling.