Tried to clear my mind...it backfired.

[czjnkn]

So I did something I didn't like this morning. I was totally that person. The person that goes through their SO's phone. Ugh, it's makes me mad that I've come to that point. Let's just get it out there before I start. I am an overly jealous person and I need to stop, but this is making it justified to me, please steer me in the right direction.

 

She was in the shower and I was getting ready to leave for work. She had set the alarm on her phone to get up but had gotten up before it went off. I grabbed it and opened it to turn off the alarm. For some reason and overwhelming feeling came over me and I just had to look at her texts. I actually thought this would be a good thing. I thought I'd see that they were all just friendly and could actually give me piece of mind to know that nothing is going on with any of the guys that she texts with.

 

There were only about 25 on the phone, but I'd say a good 12-13 were all from the same guy. This guy is someone she went to high school with, but wasn't really good friends with, they just knew each other. She saw him for the first time in years when we went to add a line to my phone account for her, he worked there.

 

Since her old contract wasn't up yet she got a new phone and number, but still has the old phone also and uses both. She gave no one her new number except for me. Then all of a sudden a few days later she starts getting a bunch of texts on the new phone. First she said they were from people looking to find whoever used to have that number, then one day she said it was the guy from the phone store. She said since he worked there he had her number. I thought to myself then shrugged it off, no biggie.

 

When I look at her phone today, she obviously gave him her other number. Their texts back and forth just seem relatively friendly, him asking about her job etc. Then they get to a point where I see a lot of him asking her to come out to places and her also saying she can't tonight, usually nights she was with me. Then I see one from him saying saying sorry my girlfriend flipped out when she saw you call, just text me later. She replied, "sorry to get you in trouble my boyfriend gets like that sometimes". Then I see a text from her saying "it's cool I'm down for whatever", which I take as implying he asked her to hang out and she is down for doing whatever, which i don't like hearing. Then the last text was last night was just before we were going to bed at 11:30 asking if she was still with her parents. This leads me to believe that she told him she was with her parents so she didn't feel obligated to hang out.

 

So my problem with the whole thing is, I don't really trust this guy. I hung out with him, his friend, my girlfriend, and my friend before. He basically sat on top of my gf at the table talking all night. We played cards later at her house and he was my partner and we seemed all friendly and cool. It's just that when we were getting her a phone he just had talked about some girl he really wanted to have sex with and brought up the fact he had a girlfriend, but to sleep with this girl he'd cheat no problem etc. So why wouldn't he cheat to try to sleep with my girlfriend? I'm upset because I wanted looking at her texts to clear my mind that theres nothing going on, but now I have this mess in my head.

 

Now I know everyone will say, you don't trust your girlfriend. Short answer yes, long answer no, not completely. Yes I'm one of those guys that got completely ruined by an ex who's lies sent me into a depression and broke my trust in other girls. I believe she would never do anything like that to hurt me, but at the same time with all her guy friends and flirting and drinking, i think anything might happen.

 

I just left this morning while she was in the shower and didn't say goodbye because I know I'd be upset about the texts. Though i'm being hipocritical, I don't want her to know I looked at them because she might not trust me after the fact. At the same time I want to bring up that she's been texting the this guy all during times she acts like she can't text me and it's upsetting, but when I bring up this guy texting her, she gets all upset saying it's no big deal.

 

I'm not sure what to do. I've been planning on just being silent for the next 2 days and seeing what she ends up doing. If she goes out with the guy or what. She already tried to call me this morning after I left but I havent answered, I think I might just continue with that for the next few days.

[NJRon]

Well, she is lying about this other guy having her number, which is not good. It's a fine balancing line between being jealous and being aware sometimes. Are here any other signs besides the text messages?

[lilsmc]

i know how you are feeling because i have also done the same thing to my boyfriend. I have gone through his txts and found some that really got me very upset. At first i didnt know how to deal with it. I didnt want him to know i was going through his phone, but at the same time i wanted to know why he was texting this girl. So after days of torturing myself, i said to him " i know it was not right of me to go through your phone, but i was just curious and i found a text from a girl that you been talking to" it really made me feel so much better to be able to tell him, and we were able to discuss the issue. anyways, it is very wrong to go through someone's phone, but since you already DID and found something that you did not like, you should just talk to her about it. I think, it will really relieve a lot of your mixed emotions and feelings.

good luck

[czjnkn]

Well, she is lying about this other guy having her number, which is not good. It's a fine balancing line between being jealous and being aware sometimes. Are here any other signs besides the text messages?

 

Well I had seen some of the texts before and they were definitely people looking for the previous owner of the phone number. It was later after she was getting more and more texts to that phone that I asked how so many people were getting the wrong number and she said "oh no it's *****, he got my number off the system".

 

So she really didn't lie about that, but she did give him her other number...which I guess really wouldn't be that big of a deal. It's just that as soon as she leaves me house she be struggling through her purse to get her phone out and seem so frantic to answer her missed texts that it's like it was a problem being with me. She can't even get out of the driveway before I see her stopping to text.

 

It's just upsetting. She's already texted me again this morning asking if I got her message this morning and says she loves and misses me. I just don't know what to think...

[czjnkn]

since you already DID and found something that you did not like, you should just talk to her about it. I think, it will really relieve a lot of your mixed emotions and feelings.

good luck

 

I don't know. She did already send him a text back that I get all crazy and upset sometimes when she gets calls and texts, I think it might just put her over the edge of thinking I'm a little jealous to thinking I'm too jealous, especially since she isn't a jealous person at all, then again, I give her no reason to be jealous.

[czjnkn]

So I ended up trying to be calm and just keep to myself the other day when she kept calling and texting, thinking that way I can think logically about the situation. Finally I gave up and met her for dinner.

 

I was noticeably quiet and she kept asking me what was wrong, I just kept telling her everything was fine. She had kept her phone on silent and hasn't been checking it as much lately, which i think is because she knows I don't like it. But anytime I'm away she has it open and is texting.

 

I went in the store for a minute while she stayed in the car, when I came out I saw her with her phone open and typing, but as soon as she saw me she closed it really quick and opened it again and said she was just checking to see if her sister had called.

 

When I said yeah right, she said go ahead and look theres only 5 texts in there and they're all from her roommate and me. So obviously she had gone through and deleted the other ones which I saw earlier that morning because there was a lot more.

 

I had always trusted that she was probably texting and just being friendly and I always told myself that theres nothing wrong with that and I should stop being upset because of it, but when I see her close her phone quick when she's obviously texting then open it and lie to me, not only about what she's doing, but also that she didnt have texts from anyone else, it gets me suspicious.

 

We ended up having a long fight where I refused to divulge what I was upset about since I didnt want her to know I looked at her phone. She somehow cooled down from being furious to wanting to do all sorts of nice things for me...weird.

 

Then yesterday, we hung out a bit, then she once again made plans with her roommate who she could really see anytime, on saturday which is the only day we can really spend the day together rather than just 2-3 hours at night when were both exhausted. So got upset once again, but didn't let her see it. Then when I dropped her off I let her know that I wasn't going to see her this weekend. She thought it was a joke then when she called me later I told her that I really wasn't going to see her for awhile. I just want time to try and clear my head of this and find out if i'm ever really going to be ok with having an SO that gets a bunch of texts all the time, a lot being from guys.

 

Now she's flipping out thinking were breaking up calling me at 2 am and then said she has the flu and had to leave work this morning and wont be doing anything all weekend. I'm not sure what to do. It seems like she realized I was mad about hanging out this weekend so she is faking sick to get me to come over. I don't know what to do anymore.

[savignon]

I don't know your GF or this other guy, so that's my first disclaimer. I'm coming from the p.o.v of having had jealous boyfriends and it's just exhausting trying to convince someone over and over that they have nothing to worry about. I started hiding things just to avoid arguments (like an old picture or innocent email from an ex)...not because I was guilty of anything, just because it was so tiring to have the same fight over and over. But then it would seem like I was guilty of something b/c then why would I hide it...and on and on the cycle goes. So exhausting. I have to wonder why people who are always questioning their SO want to stay...what are they getting out of it? Paranoia? Mistrust? Having to snoop around and look for evidence of betrayal? That can't possibly be satisfying! I couldn't be with someone I didn't trust and so I wonder why people are willing to torture themselves like this.

That said, I again, don't know the full story or anything about this guy's intentions or your gf. But I do know that you say this isn't the first time you've felt this way and so I'm suggesting maybe it has more to do with you than with her or him. If he's interested and her but she's committed to you, then who cares? She's not available! She'll turn him down. You can't control who she talks to or how often to prevent other guys from hitting on her. It will happen and she'll say "no, thanks" b/c she's not looking. It sounds to me like her response to that guy saying, "yea, my bf gets like that too" was reasonable. She's tired of this. The more drama you cause, she and this other guy with a similarly-behaving SO might decide they're better off without all the arguing ....why give her evidence to that end??

For your own sanity, get to the root of your own behavior and stop taking it out on her.

Clearly, this all strikes a nerve for me, so take my words with a big grain of salt. It's just *so exhausting* trying to convince someone you want to be with them when they will actively look for evidence to the contrary. My friendly advice is to knock it off!

[NJRon]

Frankly she knows you're the jealous type and, instead of not doing things that would evoke that jealousy, she lies to you. I don't know why you didn't confront her at the time you did about the texts. It doesn't really matter though i guess.

 

You're suspiscious and she is doing shady things. It's that simple. Perhap syou need someone who doesn't have anything to hide and, until then, maybe you need to work on your jealousy... but staying in a situation that constatly creates suspiscious situations is not going to help you on that count.

 

Regardless, it needs to be addressed. Not being able to share your feelings (you're hiding them from her yourself) is going to make a poor situation worse.

[czjnkn]

Ok, so if all the text messages I had seen on her old phone weren't enough, I get the cell phone bill today which individually lists each text message on our plan. Listed under her account are probably at least a hundred to and from the phone store guy and maybe 25 between us.

 

Some go as early as 5 am!!! When I looked at the latest texts under our account she had sent him 3 up until 1:30 am, which was very shortly after she left my house. I just couldn't handle myself and sent her a text this morning that said "so this time we're definitely not going to be seeing each other for awhile. Have fun texting and calling your phone store boyfriend and don't bother calling or texting me."

 

She immediately replied what are you talking about? The fact that she tried to act like it didn't happen was astounding to me. I just said, "wow and you're going to lie about it too, nice."

 

She immediately knew then that I must know everything and said how she only texted him back when he texted her, which apparently to the bill is every 5 minutes everyday. She then said she was sorry and never cheated and texted him and said they couldn't talk anymore and states she will do anything to earn my trust back.

 

She's been on a streak of texts since then trying to get me to talk to her, which i don't want to do. I don't know what to do. She said that nothing had happened, but I had seen his texts asking her to come hang out and one time she texted back and said she was down for whatever. I just don't know. I'm pretty much flipping out at this point.

 

It's really not even the fact that she was talking to him, but the fact that she blatently lied about it so much. Acting like they texted back and forth once every little while, when really, it was a massive all day long string of texting and talking.

 

I don't want to talk. I really just want to ignore her and let her freak out and think about what she ruined. At the same time I know that might push her away. Any advice?

[NJRon]

Yeah... let it push her away. It seems that whether somethng happened or not, she is hiding things from you. If she were concerned with how you would feel, she wouldn't have been doing it. I would be suspiscious if she stopped completely as I would be wondering how else they were communicating.

 

I also woudln't put much stake in nothing happening (even if it weren't physical) since she seems to be fine with conversing with him so much and then acting surprised when you confronted her.

 

I think you are doing the right thing with getting some space to clear your head.

[czjnkn]

She said that she was sorry for acting like they didn't text very much, she just didn't want to fight with me. Well obviously talking to this guy was so important that she lied to avoid "fights" with me, because she obviously knew it would be upsetting to me.

 

It's just so weird because she is totally not like this and I would've never thought she would lie to me. I have gone around for months now thinking that I'm a total * * * * * * * for being so jealous all the time and getting upset when she got texts all the time from guys who are "just friends". I do believe that the majority of those guys are just friends and I was working on getting over this jealousy and insecurity, but now she's justified it.

 

This is the girl I'm going to move in with, the one that I was going to marry and have kids with, but I don't know if I can have a life with someone who I have to be suspicious of every time I hear the phone ring.

 

I'm just at a loss of what to do.

[NJRon]

Don't bug out too much... you will over analyze everything and get stuck. Just take a little breather... as I said, clear your mind a bit.

[czjnkn]

So I had tried to just ignore her that day, but in text messages she kept sending and an email she sent, just drove me over the completely pissed off point and I had to respond.

 

Talking on the phone with her was just listening to her crying and saying she made a big mistake and she would never do it again and that she never did anything other than talk to him. The reason she claims she started talking to him is when I was mad at her talking to him made her feel better. This of course just upset me more.

 

I went to her house to pick up my stuff, then she kept standing in front of the door and wouldn't let me leave. With all the stuff in my hands I couldn't get around her, so I just threw it all down and got around her and left.

 

Everything started to cool down later, but I repeatedly told her that I couldn't be in a relationship with someone that I couldn't trust and that I couldn't trust her. She just keeps begging for a chance to show that I can trust her and that she'll do anything I want.

 

My dad, who doesn't know about the situation wanted her over for dinner last night, so I had to act like things were fine. While we watched tv in my room she kept trying to kiss me and reluctant as I was, I eventually gave in. We ended up sneaking off and having sex.

 

At this point since we had sex and I wasn't as depressed and dreary acting, I think she believed everything is all perfect again, however it's not.

 

How can I show her that everything isn't just OK because we had sex, without seeming like I used her? She keeps calling all the time and wants to have lunch today, should I have lunch and let her know that I still don't think I can be with her (even though I really want to). It's not that I don't want to be with her, but I don't want her to think this is just a little thing that she can blow off.

 

Any advice?

[NJRon]

You need to control youself in the future. Nothing makes things mroe difficult than giving mixed signals... you don't want to be one of *those* people

 

I think you need to stand your ground... not in the sense of deciding to be with her or not right now.. .sounds like you don't really know what side of the fence you are on in that respect. However, I think you would agree that you need some space to clear your head a bit and think it over.

 

I woudl suggest making it clear that you need to think. That you are not at this time prepared to say with certainty whether you want to try this again ro whether you want to cut it off. It is nothing personal, this is just something you need. Ask for that spafce. If she can't respect your wishes enough to actually give it to you, then that's a big sign.

 

You are currently letting your emotions carry you away and you need to rein them back a bit.

 

Also, don't let your dad or anyone make you feel pressured to put on some act. Everyone has had relationships... there are times when distance may be necessary.

 

No need to over react and sabotage your relationship or go forward willy-nilly with no regard for your well being. Step back a bit. Only with a little soul searching on your end and the space necessary to do so will you be able to make the choice that is right for you.

[Qut81]

I totally understand what you are going through. I did the same thing to my ex. Im actually really glad I saw this because I was starting to think I was the only one. LOL Anyway, when you look for something, you find it. Do you know what I mean? This could be just a platonic friendship btwn them both but you are looking at their texts and could be misinterpreting their messages. Looking at the phone does not make you feel better, it makes you feel worse. Not only do you misinterpret things but the guilt of the act makes you feel worse.

Try to trust your gf. Just bc he might try her doesnt mean she will let him. If she loves you she will tell him no. If you are having a serious problem with their communication, and she knows that you know they are contacting each other. Then I would talk about it. I wouldnt tell her not to talk to him, cause that might backfire. But I would tell her how it makes you feel uncomfortable.

[Qut81]

My ex used to say the same thing when he was still talking to the girl he was dating while he was dating me. He said she only called him and thats why they talk etc. Im not sure how to read this situation and I dont want to be negative bc that is going to make you flip out even more. Just tell her you want a day or two to clear your head. Then go with your gut.