Online Journal: My journey to recovery

[UCLAMike]

Inventory:

What am I denying? Where is the warning sign?

 

- Broke up with me the next day because I wasn't a Catholic the next day together. Completely inconsiderate and immature. Never asked me what I actually believed in. I don't even know

if she really believes in the things she says she does.

 

- Putting in almost zero effort into the relationship from the get go.

She gave me an ultimatum, "I can't really have a boyfriend right now

because I don't have time to see him." We agreed to take it slow and work it out

but it was actually hurting me. We rarely saw each other. Even 6 months in, she'd be too busy

with work. Not even time for coffee, and we only live 10 minutes away from each other.

 

- Went to her friend's halloween party without telling me. Not sure why she kept it from me.

 

- Told me she expects at least their own condo or a house before she gets married. She will not

settle for an apartment.

 

- She absolutely hated meeting new people. I don't know ANY of her friends, and she doesn't know ANY of mine. She did not want to meet each other's family either. I felt like the relationship was a secret.

 

- When I was going through a slump, with self-confidence and future career, she did not support me.

In fact in a taunting tone she said, "why, are you not confident enough to get into law school?"

 

- She often compared me to her exs. "I cannot help but compare you to z when u do x and y."

 

- She still kept in contact with her old flings that used to hit on her.

 

- She showed constant dissatisfaction from our relationship. constantly threatened to break up.

Somewhere along the way I gave in and began apologizing for things I didn't even do. I felt like

I was walking on eggshells.

 

- She moved on quick. 3-4 months. Met a new guy one month and became exclusive within a few weeks.

 

This entire relationship was a convenience for her. I didn't ask her to marry me with a

diamond studded rings, and I was not in the right mind to do so, it was a mistake.

But she made sure I paid for it. She never even considered my position. That isn't love.

 

Thoughts of chance blown with her is keeping me stuck. Thought of worthlessness

and self-pity keeps me from healing. Betrayal and guilt are both factors.

I am refusing to forgive myself and blaming the relationship on me.

I choose to forgive myself and not take blame for the whole thing. I will not need

validation from her or anyone else to forgive myself. I kept thinking about her

new relationship and compared it with mine. Each are different. I am avoiding

to go work out and proactively have law school mindset. I'm also not putting in

all the heart and soul into making new genuine friends at church. I will do these

starting today.

 

I had been pretending that she was the only girl for me in my life. I was pretending

that commitment means to wallow around in pain until she returned. I knew she would

dump me at some point as our characters were so different. I denied that she jumped

into this relationship for a different reason than me and expected different things.

 

There is no closure from her. She is who she is and she will not help me get closure

even if she had it. I don't need closure from her. I have closure here. She took me

for granted. She never got to know me for me. It was a conditional love for her.

I don't want somebody like that in my life. I don't want to know what she is doing

or how. I don't even want to hear her name or be reminded of her. I want her memories

in my head to disappear.