ladeedah Posted April 23, 2009 Share Posted April 23, 2009 I had a huge crush on a guy who is like this..im sure he liked me and the thought of a relationship was probably terrifying for him.He sent me all these mixed messages i could tell he had feelings for me but he never followed through with it. One time we were about to walk home together from a party and last second he turned around and realized there was a shorter way home for him and he jumped over the fence that was behind us and literally ran off...if that wasnt a panic attack i dont know what is! Recently a few months ago he invited me to a dinner party at his house which was probably a really big thing for him but i couldnt go because i had a family obligation. I told him id love a raincheck and while he seemed dissapointed he still hung around me all day looking excuses to be near me and i was extra friendly and nice so that he woulndt be discouraged. Well, after that i havent seen him or heard from him in months and i guess i will never get that raincheck i dont know what happened..maybe he easnt that interested after all. Link to comment
Chiaroscuro Posted June 13, 2009 Share Posted June 13, 2009 Hi Shygal2008. I hadn't heard of the definition loveshy until maybe 6 months ago or so, but it did creep me out, cause it described me a little too close for comfort. I'm as love-shy as they come, I do think so. Why that happened is probably a mix of several unlucky factors. I was bullied as a kid, insecure and ridiculed (particularly by certain women - I was very geeky) as a youth, and thus very immature and uncertain as a young man in my early twenties. I made a few futile attempts to connect with women, but didn't have the stamina it took to try and try again, plus I guess all that low self confidence made me overlook obvious signs of encouragement too. It's painful to admit now, but in retrospect I don't think everything was so grim and dark as I thought it to be. One problem though is that women always expects men to make the first move. Thus I thought, since no women ever made any moves towards me (or if one or two did, I always found reasons to explain it away), I wasn't popular with them. My biggest fear towards women at the time was my lack of sexual experience, and in social situations I felt so afraid that my past would be uncovered by someone (particularly women), thus ridiculing me and humiliating me entirely. That again made me afraid to even talk about sex, or make sexual jokes etc. I didn't want the theme brought up, cause I was afraid someone would jump out and ask very personal questions in my face. At 25 I felt so depressed and worn out I figured I should either finish everything or learn to live and enjoy life without women. Needless to say, I chose the last part. Of course, I should have gone to a psychoterapist or something instead. Anyway, I've actually felt more relaxed with women after I gave up on them, haha. If you have nothing to win, you haven't got that much to loose either, right? And by some weird chance I did come accross a woman who I actually did connect with -on all levels, but unfortunately it didn't work out for very long, and we were never officially togther. Those experiences at least gave me hope, and unveiled all the mystery and drama from my relationship with women...at least a bit more. I think with time I've learned to understand women better, and ease up a bit, but of course it's taken me way too long. Link to comment
suttajasekundaa Posted June 14, 2009 Share Posted June 14, 2009 I'm not sure if I can speak for all shy men, but I tend to avoid women even if they would act friendly towards me - why? Because I can't read the signals, I's just end up doing something stupid and inapropriate. And even if it would work out, I'd still have to let her close to me thus giving her a fine chanse of hurting me really bad. There's no win for me in that game, and no-girl is going to like what they're going to see. I just don't have what it takes to win, like you don't go and try to kill a bear without a gun, without the gun you're just going to panic and run away. Link to comment
cl76 Posted June 15, 2009 Share Posted June 15, 2009 I acted like this when I was younger because I had no experience or confidence. Link to comment
Organs Posted June 15, 2009 Share Posted June 15, 2009 sorry i originally posted this in the wrong place. THIS MAY NOT APPLY TO ALL SHY MEN... I know its considered being love shy for men but can you actually get so scared of being around a woman you find attractive (and want to be with romantically) that you feel like you are going to have a heart attack and/or pass out..like you are haviing an anxiety attack or break down? Yes. Because little in the ways of dating and love is rational, and when one is treading uncharted waters, the unknown is terrifying. Link to comment
Sierra1011 Posted July 2, 2009 Share Posted July 2, 2009 It sounds like you're speaking from experience with a shy man. And from the vaguely exasperated tone of your posts, it doesn't sound like this experience turned out very well for you. As a guy who's had a tough time with women in the past, I can say that what you are dealing with in these situations is the most primal of human emotions: fear. Men who are intensely shy are operating out of fear in most social situations, a basic need for survival. In this kind of internal environment, things like love and intimacy are a meaningless joke. Protecting oneself from injury and further trauma becomes the overriding concern. Think of war refugees in Africa. Do you think they're really concerned with falling in love and finding their soul mates? Why are intensely shy men like this? A lot of reasons. First of all, they probably have a predilection to this sort of behavior, i.e. they're intensely sensitive human beings. Second, they've probably encountered a lot of hardship in their lives. Combine this with their innate sensitivity and you get a recipe for disaster. I knew one guy in college who seemed very awkward socially, I mean never-leave-the-house-or-acknowledge-your-presence awkward. I found out eventually that he had grown up in a family with a tyrannical father and two bullying older brothers. His poor experiences with his family damaged his sense of self severely from an early age. His experiences in school weren't much better, and he felt inside that he was under constant attack from the outside world. His response to all this was to close himself off in order to protect himself. It's a pretty logical thing, actually. He finally opened up to me an my roommate after a couple of years of living next door to him. The irony was that this guy was one of the nicest, most generous people I've ever known. It was a real tragedy that he felt that he could never share that with anyone. Either way, if you value the person who let you down, try not to be too judgmental. You'll probably never have an intimate relationship with him, but you can be a friend. If you're shy yourself, you should have some understanding of what the guy is going through. Link to comment
shygal2008 Posted July 2, 2009 Author Share Posted July 2, 2009 What you just described is not mere shyness its social phobia and crippling anxiety and that is whole other can of worms. That gets into the psycholgical and mental illness relm. My heart goes out to anyone who suffers in this way..its so sad and unfear I feel all human beings want and desire love and to be loved. Link to comment
Sierra1011 Posted July 4, 2009 Share Posted July 4, 2009 I think love-shyness is a social phobia. The only difference I can possibly see between the two is one of degrees, rather than at a fundamental level. The love-shy person has been traumatized to the point that he doesn't trust his ability to navigate a romantic relationship while maintaining a positive sense of self. I don't see the line of distinction you draw between 'love-shy' and 'social phobia.' They're just opposite sides of the same coin. Link to comment
shygal2008 Posted July 4, 2009 Author Share Posted July 4, 2009 What i meant was both are mental illnesses and both are crippling emotionally...keeping a person from having the life they desire. So in that respect they are NOT opposite at all I guess its all in how you look at it, anyway, you can't live life to the fullest if you have either one of these and some people feel one is directly linked to the other or a progression from one to another, like avoidance..its just a matter of what degree you have it to start with. And they all lead to the same dysfunctions and heart ache...just different sides of the coin like you said Again, its just very sad to me if one accepts this as their life. People do get help and there are treatmnets out there. Link to comment
Sierra1011 Posted July 5, 2009 Share Posted July 5, 2009 I think you misunderstand the severity of the problem to suggest that correcting it is a matter of simple choice. People don't always get to choose their lives. Circumstance has a way of imposing, and quite rudely, at times. The guy I referred to who had severe social phobia didn't get to choose his family. He didn't get to choose to grow up in a supportive environment. His race was run by the time he left home at age 18. He never actively accepted his illness. It was simply an adaption for survival. Could he improve with therapy? Maybe. Perhaps he could improve a great deal, but it is facile to suggest that all a person has to do to overcome a debilitating psychological dysfunction is to seek help. It's just not that simple, though I wish it were. If it were just a matter of the sufferer seeking help, then the psych wards at VA hospitals wouldn't be jammed to the exit doors with patients every day of the year. The patients would actually be cured at some point. I'm not trying to be argumentative, but honestly, I think it's insensitive to diminish the struggles of people suffering from these illnesses by suggesting that they are just wallowing in their problems. Link to comment
shygal2008 Posted July 5, 2009 Author Share Posted July 5, 2009 I am not insensitive in any way, shape, or form...you must be new around here!!!! Nor would i ever imply that its easy on anyone or just mere self pity. Good luck to you. Link to comment
Sierra1011 Posted July 7, 2009 Share Posted July 7, 2009 No, I'm not trying to insinuate that you are insensitive. It just seems to me that you are suggesting that solving this problem is a linear process, which it unfortunately is not. Like I said, I'm not trying to be argumentative with you, so there's no reason to be sarcastic. Link to comment
givinggirl Posted July 19, 2009 Share Posted July 19, 2009 I'm not afraid to approach women in particular, just being friendly. Though, unless I'm formally introduced, I'll rarely talk to anyone - men or women. I do mentally/emotionally distance myself from women I like most the time. Less chance of getting hurt, though it sucks because I am always considered "just a friend". It pains me when I'm with a girl I really like and someone asks if we're in a relationship/dating. So, if a girl liked you and wanted to get close to you to start a relationship, how would she be able to get past you distancing yourself from her? What would she have to do to get you to be willing to get close to her? Link to comment
shygal2008 Posted July 19, 2009 Author Share Posted July 19, 2009 Thats a great question...what needs to happen exactly guys, how do we handle all this, bcuz the closer we get the more scared you get and its a never ending hellish cycle for both. Link to comment
givinggirl Posted July 20, 2009 Share Posted July 20, 2009 Thats a great question...what needs to happen exactly guys, how do we handle all this, bcuz the closer we get the more scared you get and its a never ending hellish cycle for both. Exactly...if you like a girl, she likes you back, but you too just beat around the bush and never talk about it, you are kind of okay with that. What if she was to ask you on a date? Would you say yes? What is she was to just grab you and kiss you? Would you kiss her back? What would you do after the kiss? Would you take 5 steps back or realize that she really is interested and will that give you confidence to then move forward? Some insight would be very helpful in all these "what if" situations. Us girls need to know where we stand too. Otherwise, we may as just leave it to that man (since that is a traditional role) and never get anywhere because both people are fearful and won't just suck it up. That is a tragedy. Link to comment
Mantis Posted July 21, 2009 Share Posted July 21, 2009 Exactly...if you like a girl, she likes you back, but you too just beat around the bush and never talk about it, you are kind of okay with that. What if she was to ask you on a date? Would you say yes? What is she was to just grab you and kiss you? Would you kiss her back? What would you do after the kiss? Would you take 5 steps back or realize that she really is interested and will that give you confidence to then move forward? Some insight would be very helpful in all these "what if" situations. Us girls need to know where we stand too. Otherwise, we may as just leave it to that man (since that is a traditional role) and never get anywhere because both people are fearful and won't just suck it up. That is a tragedy. Alright... I'm going to take a crack at this. I can't say for sure this would work, but if I could have a girl approach me in any way I wanted, this is what I would go for. I would want the girl to privately, not in front of our friends, ask me out and make very clear that it IS a date, and that it's going to be just us. Not us and a few friends, just us. And maybe this is too much to ask, but I honestly think I would be more comfortable if she asked me to go to her house and watch a movie or something like that, just because it really would be just us. Having strangers around would make me nervous, having people she or I know around would make me VERY nervous. But I believe I would say yes to that. Link to comment
DaBladeRoden Posted July 21, 2009 Share Posted July 21, 2009 Exactly...if you like a girl, she likes you back, but you too just beat around the bush and never talk about it, you are kind of okay with that. What if she was to ask you on a date? Would you say yes? What is she was to just grab you and kiss you? Would you kiss her back? What would you do after the kiss? Would you take 5 steps back or realize that she really is interested and will that give you confidence to then move forward? Some insight would be very helpful in all these "what if" situations. Us girls need to know where we stand too. Otherwise, we may as just leave it to that man (since that is a traditional role) and never get anywhere because both people are fearful and won't just suck it up. That is a tragedy. I'll throw 2 cents in too If a girl likes me, and i like her back,and she asked me out, I would say yes. Where is this random kissing taking place? Is it in public? Is it on a date? Link to comment
amethyst exchange Posted July 21, 2009 Share Posted July 21, 2009 Exactly...if you like a girl, she likes you back, but you too just beat around the bush and never talk about it, you are kind of okay with that. What if she was to ask you on a date? Would you say yes? What is she was to just grab you and kiss you? Would you kiss her back? What would you do after the kiss? Would you take 5 steps back or realize that she really is interested and will that give you confidence to then move forward? Some insight would be very helpful in all these "what if" situations. Us girls need to know where we stand too. Otherwise, we may as just leave it to that man (since that is a traditional role) and never get anywhere because both people are fearful and won't just suck it up. That is a tragedy. If she asked me on a date I'd probably just poo-poo the idea and be really really suspiscious of her. I might say ok...but then be really frightened about it. Or I may just sort of say 'You really don't want to go out with me...it'd be dull...'. I don't think I'd know how to kiss back...and then I would probably totally freak out...and push her away and blush....and say something like 'I...really...don't think that this is a good idea' and sort of scurry away to hide and then avoid her for a week or so...because well...I wouldn't know how to act around her and I'd constantly be thinking she was trying to make me feel like an idiot....in front of everyone...and deep down inside I'd resent her for doing it. Link to comment
givinggirl Posted July 21, 2009 Share Posted July 21, 2009 Alright... I'm going to take a crack at this. I can't say for sure this would work, but if I could have a girl approach me in any way I wanted, this is what I would go for. I would want the girl to privately, not in front of our friends, ask me out and make very clear that it IS a date, and that it's going to be just us. Not us and a few friends, just us. And maybe this is too much to ask, but I honestly think I would be more comfortable if she asked me to go to her house and watch a movie or something like that, just because it really would be just us. Having strangers around would make me nervous, having people she or I know around would make me VERY nervous. But I believe I would say yes to that. Okay, so let's say that she did that. She asked you in private to go on a date with her, to watch a movie at her place, only you two. How would you respond? The way you replied almost sounded like you wanted her to tell you that you are doing this instead of asking if you wanted to. Link to comment
givinggirl Posted July 21, 2009 Share Posted July 21, 2009 I'll throw 2 cents in too If a girl likes me, and i like her back,and she asked me out, I would say yes. Where is this random kissing taking place? Is it in public? Is it on a date? Random kissing, not in public and not on a date...you haven't even discussed dating with her. You were out with some mutual friends, you walked her home and you went for a hug and she planted one on you. How would you react? Link to comment
givinggirl Posted July 21, 2009 Share Posted July 21, 2009 If she asked me on a date I'd probably just poo-poo the idea and be really really suspiscious of her. I might say ok...but then be really frightened about it. Or I may just sort of say 'You really don't want to go out with me...it'd be dull...'. I don't think I'd know how to kiss back...and then I would probably totally freak out...and push her away and blush....and say something like 'I...really...don't think that this is a good idea' and sort of scurry away to hide and then avoid her for a week or so...because well...I wouldn't know how to act around her and I'd constantly be thinking she was trying to make me feel like an idiot....in front of everyone...and deep down inside I'd resent her for doing it. I'm sorry you have those kinds of feelings. What happened to you that would make you so suspicious? I don't understand how you can resent her for liking you? Don't you want girls to show interest when they like you? I would think that would make you happy. Link to comment
DaBladeRoden Posted July 21, 2009 Share Posted July 21, 2009 I'd be surprised, but what happens next depends on a lot of circumstances. Namely if I had the hots for her already Link to comment
givinggirl Posted July 21, 2009 Share Posted July 21, 2009 I'd be surprised, but what happens next depends on a lot of circumstances. Namely if I had the hots for her already Let's say the attraction was mutual. Link to comment
DaBladeRoden Posted July 21, 2009 Share Posted July 21, 2009 Then I'd probably get into it Link to comment
amethyst exchange Posted July 21, 2009 Share Posted July 21, 2009 I'm sorry you have those kinds of feelings. What happened to you that would make you so suspicious? I don't know why there has to be a thing that happened... I don't understand how you can resent her for liking you? Because...she'd make me feel like a fool in front of everyone. And I'd think that's what the whole point of it was. Don't you want girls to show interest when they like you? I would think that would make you happy. Because it hurts. To have someone look at you like that. They always want something then, and they think that you should be doing stuff for them. And then you feel like you should be doing things for them all the time, and it never feels like its enough and...it hurts. Link to comment
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