My husband's cyber relationship with a 16-year old girl

[Melissa1978]

My husband has an online friend named "Jess". They beacame friends by playing online games. At first, the relationship seemed normal--nothing appeared wrong. Lately, I've noticed that she wants to be more than friends with my husband. Of course, I got upset. My husband says that there's nothing to worry about, but I have reason to doubt him. I have seen the instant messages that they send back and forth. She fantasizes about him day and night. My husband is 29 and knows the ramifications of having a relationship with this girl. However, I really don't trust either one of them right now. I've tried discussing this with my husband, but he just gets mad at me, saying that she's "just a friend". I really love my husband, but I think that "Jess" is trying to split us up and take him for her own once she is of legal age! She lives in Canada, but she is constantly saying that she is going to move down here (we live in Georgia). I'm not sure if this is just a harmless crush or if there is more to it. I really don't know what to do or think. If anone has any advice, please feel free to let me know what I should do. I'm so disrought over this.....

[Planning_guy]

Hi Melissa,

 

I don't think you need to worry as much as you are. Your husband is definitely being inconsiderate, that's for sure. She is probably writing all that stuff due to her age.....it's the excitement of meeting new people. I get excited all the time without anything else happening...

 

Have you told him yet that this thing is REALLY upsetting you?

 

Regards from Munich

[Xandra]

I think his actions are totally inappropriate. If I caught my boyfriend online with a 16 year old girl all the time, with her saying that she "fantasizes about him all day and night", I would be pretty upset. Not only that, but what is a married man doing chatting with a young girl all the time? He must like it if he keeps going back for more!

 

If I was chatting with a guy who started giving me the impression that he was "fantasizing about me" and wanted to be more than friends, I would probably make him aware that I was already in a happy relationship and that my intentions for him were purely friendly. That's just me though. I love my boyfriend and would never have some sort of online affair with someone else, I just don't want or need anything else.

[tiger_lilies]

Your husband should not be getting mad at you for voicing your concerns. He should in fact be accomidating you because of your concerns. Why is he still being friendly with her when he knows that you are upset about this? Or does he know how upset you are?

 

If I found out that my boyfriend was doing that I would be down right pissed off! And if he continued chatting with her then I would consider it a serious problem.

 

Your husband should be thinking about you and how this makes you feel. Doesn't he know that his actions effect you?! Any decision he makes will effect you in some way and that's something I just learned recently.

 

Talk to him in a calm manner. Don't accuse him, but tell him that you want this to stop immediately! If he refuses, then there's something going on. He should be concerned about how this makes you feel. You're his wife and she's just some 16 y/o who lives miles away! Why is he so adament about keeping on this weird relationship?

[musicguy]

I think she's just infatuated with him...I don't see it going anywhere.

[pchellak]

I dont really understand what the big deal is. Just because some sicko dudes exist on this planet who would pursue a sexual relationship with minors doesnt mean your husband would be one. I would worry about the trust issues you have with your husband, though. If you cant trust you spouse, is the marriage really worth it ?

[Melissa1978]

Thank you all for your advice. I have been thinking about this and thinking about this.....I have voiced my concerns to him, but as I stated, he just gets upset..I do want to make my marriage work, but if this continues.....there may not be a marraige to work on. Again, thanks to all. I really appreciate it very much!

[Melissa1978]

I have talked to him amd he explained to me that there is nothing going on and he was hurt that I didn't trust him. He said that he would never do anything to hurt me and that he wouldn't cheat on me-with anyone. He also said that he had difficulties making friends throughout his life and she is a true friend. I respect that. I told him that it's just the way she talks to him that really pissed me off. I really felt threatened--he said there is no need to feel that way. I apologized for the way I was acting, and so did he. I've decided to work on trusting him and see what happens. It may take some time, but we've gone this far and I don't think leaving is the answer at this point. I really love my husband and I think that we can overcome this. Again, thanks to all who posted replies. All of your advice helped me see this from another perspective and it cleared my head. I will be posting updates for all who are interested. God bless all!!

[imdragonlady]

Hi Melissa,

 

I dont really think its an issue of trust. It really should be an issue of RESPECT....for YOU! He should never have put himself in that situation at all...he should have told her upfront before she had fantasies of him otherwise if he had told her that he was happily married, she would NOT have said anything..or if she did, he should have immediately told her he couldnt continue his online friendship with her! NO MARRIED MAN or WOMAN should allow ANYONE to go as far as wanting fantasies with them!

 

And if its only platonic on his part when he talks with her, does he allow you to observe? or is he secretive and defensive? Is your computer in a public area in your home? Perhaps you could sit down beside him and converse with her...this would show her you are very real..and this will also show YOU that your man has nothing to hide. I chat with alot of people online....the best times I've had are with men and their wives, and vice versa, it shows just how much trust they do have in each other, that one or the other can just drop by and include themselves in our conversations, its great to observe their level of respect and trust they have in each other.

 

Its one thing trusting your man, but its another thing knowing a female is having fantasies about him! Makes me wonder what HE did to somehow encourage/discourage her behavior...albeit she is only 16 yrs old...and jailbait at that. Perhaps he enjoys the attention. But who's to say that that will stop at that? Best to nip this one in the bud..and discuss with him the real problems that lies within him....WHY he allowed this to happen in the first place. (and dont accept him telling you its for a lack of friends)

[chelsea_coulson]

That must be a hard situation. Maybe when your in on your own you could go on and have a talk with this girl who he's talking to. Try to sort something out between you two..Does she know that your husbands married? Maybe if you can, get your husband to talk to her, and let you watch the conversation. Then you'll know exactly whats going on between them.

[chriscarlander]

maybe he's closet paedophile? What 30 year old flirts with a 16 year old? Someone's asking for trouble.....

[laadied]

Your husband is a pervert. If he was mature, he would have put that little girl in her place a long time ago. Come on now, you can't be that blind. Sure we like to lie to oursleves and say "maybe this" and "maybe that", but the fact of the matter is that if you were on the outside looking in, you would be doing more that raising an eyebrow. I am telling you, this is not good, you deserve more, especially if you have never went outside of the relationship. Just imagine if you caught him on the phone with an anonymous girl talking about sexual things, how is it different. Move on, he will not understand anything else and if he doesn't care, thean the hell with it, because you did your part in god's eyes, and not only that, men are like buses, there's another one every 10 minutes.

[knxvlle]

Take the power cord when you are done using the computer.

[Jodes]

Hi melissa.

 

i am really sorry to hear about all this thats going on with your husband, it seems to me if she didnt mean anything to him (as he prob says to you) and he knows its upseting you , he would stop talking with her! i do talk from experience because i met my boyfriend online and i was with somebody else at the time... it started off with simple talking over messenger then it developed into something much more sirous..such as txt messeges and calls even secret meetings etc.

i know how much this can hurt people having dumped my boyfriend to be with this guy. i broke his heart and felt really bad afterwards.

You really need 2 set the record sraight with him tell him its her or you and if he says her, well my advise to you is too get out love he's not worth it. the worst thing is if you egnore it, he will think he can get away with it, dont be the laughing stock rise above it and sort it.

 

take care

 

Jodie xx

[Dreya08]

YOu need to go ahead and set him straight

[SPark]

I have to disagree with the people who said that your husband is a pedophile. He didn`t hang out on some playground looking for her, he met her on the internet, where it is entirely possible to get to know people very well without knowing their age, gender, whatever, whatever. All of that stuff is just outside trappings anyway. It`s what`s inside that counts.

 

I know that you are in pain, which comes from fear of losing him, but try to listen to what he is saying. He is probably in pain himself, and it is important that he feel able to talk to you.

 

How is your marriage otherwise?

 

Feel free to pm me anytime to talk.

[HeavenLee]

Hmmmm, seen it all before. Been there...

 

I agree with imdragonlady, he needs to respect your feelings. There is nothing wrong with having her as a friend, but do you talk in a sexual nature to all of your male friends? And would he find that appropriate? I wouldn't think so.

 

The thing is, he doesn't see that he's doing anything wrong - but if you were to do it - I'm sure he would. He may not physically cheat, but emotionally he is. If he wants to chat to her, fine. But if it can't be without a relationship/sexual content, then it's time to put your foot down and stop taking his excuses of "it's only fantasy", "it's not real" etc. He needs to let her know that she should respect the fact that he has a wife, and that it's only a friendship. Nothing more.

 

Don't let him bluff you. You can find many friends online other than a 16 year old girl. What could they possibly have in common other than sex talk?

[SPark]

HeavenLee wrote: "What could they possibly have in common?" I think that cyber relationships, whether friendship or beyond, are new, so we shouldn`t be too hasty about characterizing them. Child sexual abuse and sexual relationships among people with a power diffential are another matter entirely, of course, and should never be encouraged or engaged in, but this case does not involve either as far as I can see. Online relationships are a new development that don`t fit neatly into our existing mental categories, which is why they produce such extreme reactions, pro and con. Online relationships at their best allow the other person to sneak under the protective force fields that most of us use to shield our hearts. When we communicate heart-to-heart, outside trappings like age, gender, economic status, geographic location, looks, or circumstances are not as important as what we have in common as human beings struggling to live our lives the best we can.

 

If you don`t believe in cyber relationships, don`t have one. If your spouse or SO is having one and you can`t stand it, think it over, talk it out, come to terms with your feelings, make a change in your expectations, forgive and forget, kick them to the curb, or get out...whatever. But don`t claim that there is nothing there...there is. We (=human society) just haven`t had time to figure out all of the implications yet.

JMHO, of course.

 

Jenifer

[lovelynns]

tiger_lilies is right on track. He is not doing this for a friendship. If he wanted a friend he could find someone closer to his age and his own sex. Yes he probably hasnt done anything physical with this girl, but it's still cheating. To look outside your relationship for an emotional connection is damaging your relationship. Why cant he talk to you. You can be his friend as well as his wife.

 

The thing is that he was upset when you mentioned the girl. Would you be upset if the roles were reversed? or just confused as to why you think that and explain yourself. He's hiding something.

 

Dont just forget this happened. Find out as much as possible and solve the problem now. You dont want to find out later what you could have stopped now. OR he really could just be friends with her and in that case he should stop talking to her simply because you'll ask him confide in you not her.

 

Stay Strong.

[HeavenLee]

There shouldn't be anything there though... see this is the problem. While her husband is chatting to this "friend", he is neglecting his own relationship. This is where it all falls apart. He feels that he can "communicate" to this girl, so he does... while his wife, who has all the real life responsibility misses out. They can become addictive. They can break up marriages, and it is a growing phenomenon. Why? It may not be a physical betrayal, but emotionally it sure is, especially if they are talking in a sexual or desiring kind of way... even if it is not meant to be serious... I don't think his wife would find it particularly funny. For many people the lines between "fantasy" and "reality" become blurred and people get hurt. Very badly. Believe me, I know. The fact is, his behaviour is not acceptable if it hurts his wife, just like physical cheating would not be either. Full stop. Whether there is something there or not... too bad. If he needs someone to talk to he should try reconnecting and communicating to his wife. But as I said, if he wants to chat to her that's fine. But you have to draw the lines somewhere. Just because they are on the net doesn't mean he should not be honest about his family life, and put her straight when she starts on about how she desires him or whatever. To let her keep going is only boosting his ego, and also leading the poor girl on. She could get hurt too. It's just not admirable, and it needs to stop because it's a lie to both his wife and this other girl. There are too many people that can get hurt here... the only one that won't is him because he's too happy having his ego stroked.

 

I have no problem with just chatting in a friendly nature. It's when it becomes more than that, that it can become very, very dangerous.

 

I just don't see how anyone can justify THIS circumstance. I'm not having a go at all cyber relationships, but surely everyone can see that there is something just not quite right here.

[3colornick]

just a question:

 

how much time does he spend online with her?

[Fionazou]

Hello Melissa,

This kind of things happens all the time not matter the single or marriage person you are. Let's sort this out eh? There is nothing you should worry about too much, no one understand your husband better than you. Here some suggestions for you.1. Never force somebody to do anything that they don't like to do it. It won't work out anything. 2. Give both of you some free air for a while. If your husband care enough and understand more about you feeling, he should back to your life and still the one belong to you anyway. 3. Do not spend too much time online, get back to the normal life. Online relationship is a bit delusory. I personal agree one still need their personal life and space after got marry. Don't worry that nasty girl too much; she might not grow up enough yet. But the girl and your husband should learn a lesson from this. Hope you all happy!

[Krystyl]

First of all, I have to say Melissa, that you approached this situation with your husband WAYYYYY nicer that I would have.

 

If I were in your shoes.....I would have told him that his time with his "little friend" was OVER. "Just friends" do not converse about "fantasizing constantly about the other one". He let it go to another level and it is NOT ACCEPTABLE. I don't care if it is over the internet and not in real life. I wouldn't allow it online or real life. What happened to talking to YOU(his life partner) about things. You should be more his friend than this girl. I think he is enjoying the attention and this girl is stroking his ego BIG TIME. I would not let this go on one more day.

I would take matters into my own hands. He would be told that it's over...and that he is to email her and tell her that he is married and has no need to be cavorting online with an underage girl who wants him. I'm serious....I would make him email her and tell her it's over and WHY IT'S OVER. Then you need to change your email address. I can't believe you put up with this. I can't believe his nerve in flaunting this in your face.

You and your husband need to have a serious talk.

[chris7]

Your husband is an adult. This girl is a minor. He's upset because you question him about it? He's going to be a lot more than that if he gets thrown in jail. I guess it probably doesn't occur to him this girl more than likely has *parents* who could intervene.

[SilverManic]

I think you just need to trust him. He married you at the end of the day and you've talked to him about it. I'm glad you worked things out with him.

GL,

~S.