Fiancee is a FRIVOLOUS spender! AHHH!!

[Maroney555]

How do I knock some sense into him?

 

He recently received the last of his school financial aid and other $$. We are in the process of moving within the month. So far he has spent $400 on sporting equipment, and is now going on a ski trip to Tahoe with "the guys." He does NOT know how to budget, so he will spend a fortune on this trip. His credit cards are maxed and late and he paid a minimum payment on them today.

 

What is the deal?? Let's say he has less than $5000 in the bank and about 10 times that in student loans...and he just left.

 

Have fun on your trip....

[Cognitive_Canine]

Don't marry him nor combine bank accounts until you are on the same page with finances.

[purpleduckie]

oh my god, i would hold off that marriage. his debt will become yours...

[Maroney555]

Ya, we won't be getting married until I at least graduate from college with my masters and credential and stuff, soooo like 2012? ha

[Cognitive_Canine]

I'd wait until after his trip and talk to him about his 5 year goal, 10 year goals. Write both of your plans down together.

 

Talk to each other about what kind of spenders you are. Talk about what kind of buys you think are appropriate and innappropriate in a joint account without consulting your partner.

 

Ask him when he plans on paying off his student loans (and be specific). Give him the outline of your plan and try and be as specific as possible.

 

Ask each other any questions that are important (and even smaller, seemingly less important questions) about money, finances, the future, and budgeting.

 

If he is super on board for talking about it, write down a budget. Write one for yourself as well. Tell him that you want to practice for when it really matters.

 

See if he sticks to it. If he doesn't, don't nag. But, do share your accomplishments with maintaining a budget with him.

 

Hope that helps. Just really try and keep the conversation flowing. Stay on the same page.

[BeStrongBeHappy]

Wow... i wouldn't combine finances with him until he's shown himself able to budget and pay off a lot of his student debt. You don't want to assume $50K of his debt when you marry (unless you also have an equal amount of student debt). It just isn't fair to expect you to pay off his huge obligations if he's a spendthrift.

 

I'd talk to him about budgets and see if he can pay down his debt and stick to a budget for a few years before marrying... otherwise i can guarantee you will have endless fights about the toys and fun he wants to buy for himself while you get saddled with the responisbilities of putting a roof over your heads and food on the table.

[poloplayer]

I don't mean to be harsh...but this is your fiance we're talking about. Did you not see money issues/incompatibilities long before the question was popped? In any event, it's irrelevant to your current issue.

 

I'm not sure what to tell you. I would sit down with him and have a serious chat about finances, but if you're already not on the same page, then it's like you are mommying him on how to budget, or, it can definitely be perceived as controlling. I don't know. Money, finances, budget, spending habits, etc., is in my top 3 of most important compatibility areas, but that's for me.

[thejigsup]

This is his money, he has the right to spend it as he sees fit. Don't become his mother. I would think real hard about marrying him, because people really don't change in their spending habits. What you see is what you get.

[Maroney555]

This is his money, he has the right to spend it as he sees fit. Don't become his mother. I would think real hard about marrying him, because people really don't change in their spending habits. What you see is what you get.

 

It's not that I am trying to be his mother and I agree that it is his money...but we were just planning on making a move and everything, so that is the only reason it concerns me. I know he won't have a safety net now because of his spending after we put a deposit down.

[Maroney555]

Thank you! This really does help and sound like a good idea.

[Maroney555]

I don't mean to be harsh...but this is your fiance we're talking about. Did you not see money issues/incompatibilities long before the question was popped? In any event, it's irrelevant to your current issue.

 

I'm not sure what to tell you. I would sit down with him and have a serious chat about finances, but if you're already not on the same page, then it's like you are mommying him on how to budget, or, it can definitely be perceived as controlling. I don't know. Money, finances, budget, spending habits, etc., is in my top 3 of most important compatibility areas, but that's for me.

 

You don't sound harsh at all. The funny thing, he hasn't had a real need to budget until now, so that's probably why I didn't see it. He didn't have that much money until now because it ALL had to go to school and rent and what not, but mostly school, it was just the right amount for him to live comfortably without budgeting...if that makes sense. Maybe that's why I never noticed...his spending habits didn't seem this outrageous and I had never asked him about credit cards until today when he said "oh s---" while looking at his statements.

 

Haha..his comeback: "at least I'm not going to Costa Rica like I have been wanting to for the past year."

 

Ok..good point...? not.

[Cognitive_Canine]

One thing really does come to mind with your situation....

 

Do you think he is freaking out and living friviously because he feels that after marriage, he is done being spontaneous with trips and money?

[Maroney555]

One thing really does come to mind with your situation....

 

Do you think he is freaking out and living friviously because he feels that after marriage, he is done being spontaneous with trips and money?

 

 

I didn't think about that until reading your post, but wow...maybe.

 

That makes a lot of sense actually...we will be moving in together (hopefully, I am not so sure now haha) within the month and we already have two dogs, which everyone knows are like having kids.

 

Alright, well now that that has been brought into the picture...how do I deal with it? Just sit back and wait for the phase to be over?

[Maroney555]

^^^^^^

 

The thing is though, I LOVE to do all the stuff he does. I love trips and the outdoors and camping and..the list will go on! We have everything in common when it comes to this kind of stuff, so would it really be that much different? Plus...we won't be getting married for QUITE some time.

[Cognitive_Canine]

I didn't think about that until reading your post, but wow...maybe.

 

That makes a lot of sense actually...we will be moving in together (hopefully, I am not so sure now haha) within the month and we already have two dogs, which everyone knows are like having kids.

 

Alright, well now that that has been brought into the picture...how do I deal with it? Just sit back and wait for the phase to be over?

 

Talk to him about it and see if this is what is going on.

 

If it is, make sure he knows that you want to do fun things with him, like going to coasta rica when you can afford it but, right now, you are a bit concerned by his spending habits.

[Cognitive_Canine]

^^^^^^

 

The thing is though, I LOVE to do all the stuff he does. I love trips and the outdoors and camping and..the list will go on! We have everything in common when it comes to this kind of stuff, so would it really be that much different? Plus...we won't be getting married for QUITE some time.

 

How long ago did he pop the question?

[Maroney555]

How long ago did he pop the question?

 

only a month ago...thats when the moving plan came into play as well...

 

you could say its "unofficial," because we are waiting on a ring (guess why haha)

[Cognitive_Canine]

only a month ago...thats when the moving plan came into play as well...

 

you could say its "unofficial," because we are waiting on a ring (guess why haha)

 

That's probably why he is freaking out.

 

People are affected the most right after the engagement and right before the wedding.

 

The same with guys reaction to pregnancies. Guys have the largest reaction when they first find out, and right before the due date.

[Maroney555]

THat makes sense. Thanks debaser. Hopefully he'll get this out now. . . I won't make it my problem quite yet.

[Cognitive_Canine]

But, I would still talk to him.

 

You should have been talking about this long ago.

[CaptainPlanet]

People have an unfair view of debt. As it has been scapegoated in the media due to a melange of other mismanagement.

 

Debt is because you can't afford things you need. Can't afford school. Debt. Can't afford to live at School. Debt.

 

We're importing goods from overseas. Which is fine if we export something to pay for them. If not, we create the money, by creating debt.

 

Students loans are particular. Because you more or less have to go into debt. There is very little scope to pay for it yourself.

 

If your wage does not increase each year you end up in debt. Unless you year on year cut back spending... something some people can't physically do. If you're already just making ends meet prices need to drop for you to reduce spending.. if they go up, you either die, or you go into debt..

 

A small percentage of people are in debt because the only reason is over spending..contrary to popular belief.

 

You need to talk about why he is in debt. Not the fact that he is in debt because that cannot be helped. Even the biggest companies in the world are in massive debt The system is set up that it is a part of life..

[Alezia]

I don't consider "trips" and the such smart debts or reason not to pay your CC though. Sure, most of us will be in debt because of an education or house but if he spends frivolously that's another thing.

[Jeremiah Johnson]

I'm not sure you can fix this.

 

I don't really see student loans as a problem - they have all sorts of payment programs including income contigent plans. But credit card debt is a major problem and it shouldn't be entered into lightly. That said, I believe the debt is just a symptom of a less discussed problem in relationship.

 

Some people find maturity, growth, and life encompassed in what is the accepted social norm. They learn to save money, the buy a house, they work their 40-50hr/wk job, they get married, they have children, they stay put, they buy a Brinks home security system - they live their lives on a safe manageable path that very few will ever oppose. But there's no where it's written that that's truly the right way of life. When you consider we're all going to die in the end, whatever the safe path offers is really nothing more than an illusion. If you bury a lawyer next to a homeless man, and you ask them who is happier, they'll both say the same thing - nothing.

 

My point is this - stashing away all your money, buying a house, marrying, and becoming "stable" is not a good way to live life. Taking the safe route and always making nets for yourself is not a good way to live life. A lot of men know this deep down, but they try to falsely mold themselves into the safe mr. nice guy that women falsely believe they want. Nothing good comes from this.

 

No, he should not charge up credit cards to take trips. However, most men in this situation wouldn't have this problem if they'd stop trying to play two roles - one for what they believe a woman expects of them, and another for what the man's own soul craves. When a man stops concerning himself with trivialities like car payments, fancy furniture, clothes, and the latest and greatest gadgets, he'll find he has plenty of money left over to satisfy his adventurous side. If need be, let him buy a cheap car, $2000 cash, and take the risks and adventure in working on it and learning. Let him make his own furniture out of scrap wood, let him buy his clothes at the Goodwill, and let him take off backpacking into the unknown. Most real adventures don't require a lot of money. It's lack of courage that's the real expense in life. It's the construction of the safety nets, the social norms, and the aesthetics that makes the pockets come up dry.

[Alezia]

I don't think she was trying to tell him how to live life, she just wanted him to spend in moderation. If he wants to learn to spend less and be more adventurous without spending, thats up to him.

[Jeremiah Johnson]

I don't think she was trying to tell him how to live life, she just wanted him to spend in moderation. If he wants to learn to spend less and be more adventurous without spending, thats up to him.

 

My point was that you can't tell someone this... not without telling them how to live life. Well, you can tell them, but it won't do any good. People don't change that easily.