am i overreacting?

[rberber]

I'm really upset with my husband right now. And I have been since we came home from a trip 4 days ago. we were on this trip and looking for motel to stay at while walking down the street. he kept looking accross the street and these girls were over on the other side walking the same pace as us. later i told him something about him checking her out and he said he wasn't that he was just looking at the motels. then later that night we started talking about other people and all about looking and talking and stuff and he said there is a difference between love and lust. i said oh you lust other people and he said he would be lying if he said no, so i got upset and said you mean you want to sleep with other people and he said no! he said he didn't mean it like that that he just mean he thought other people were good looking and that was it. every since then i've been sad and thinking he is sexually attracted to other women. i thought that was what lust mean but he is saying he didn't mean it like that. so now i feel that if we go anywhere or watch a movie or whatever he will be lusting other women all the time. he has never said anything about another woman in front of me or anything though. I just really feel not good enough now since he said he finds other women good looking. why did he use the word lust then if he just meant good looking? can i trust him or no? should we be together if he feels this way? he says i overreacted and that i'm jealous.

[HandJob]

Guys like to look. Period. I KNOW not ALL guys do, but many (including myself) do. I'm married, and have never cheated on my wife and do not intend to. I DO look at womem (on the street, in movies or magazines).

 

The basic fact is men ARE going to look. If you get mad at him for looking that means he'll hide it, and that creates a "secret". He may NEVER cheat on you, but he will be looking, and he'll know it bothers you so he'll feel guilty. That can cause stress and problems.

 

If you're accepting of the fact that he's just going to look, and you tell him that it's okay, just as long as he still comes home to you and of course believes (and tells you) that you're the most beautiful person then you won't have problems from this.

 

I know it's tough to realize that the man that YOU love is looking at othe women. The problem probably comes from the fact that YOU don't look at other guys, so why should he look at other women? Most women are not nearly as visual as men, thereforeeee you can't understand why we need to stare at every pair of giant breasts that bounces by.

 

The best way to work through this is to talk with your husband. DON'T sit down and accuse him of being a pervert or a cheater. Ask him what it is that he like looking at, what he likes looking at on you, etc. Don't make him into the bad guy, and don't let him make YOU the bad girl.

 

It's tough, but if you become more accepting of this behavior, and if you make it something that's NOT a big deal it WON'T be a big deal.

 

This is just my oppinion, and of course may not apply to you, but it's worked with me and my wife. She even points out attractive women to me as we walk down the street, and that makes it something we BOTH can do and laugh about. At the end of the day though it's her and her body that I look at and go to sleep with and love.

 

Hope this helps.

[bridey]

Do you mean to say that you are not attracted to anyone other then your husband ever? I find that hard to believe. I think that it is normal to find other people attractive, now how you react to that is a different story. If your husband were trying to initiate contact anytime (or ever) he thought somone was sexually appealing, that would be different. To have sexual feelings though, I think is natural. Has your husband ever given you a reason to believe he is unfaithful? If not than I wouldn't worry.

[EightiesChick]

As much as I'd like not to, I have to agree with HandJob. Men (most) are different than women, and my husband is the same. It can be annoying, but I agree that if you make it a problem, it will be a problem. My husband says the same thing - other guys won't look, but they also may cheat. He has no interest in cheating, but can't help looking. It's built in to men. I rarely look at other guys, it just doesn't occur to me, but I think women (generally, not always) are different in that way.

[Athena]

Its very normal for all of us to acknowledge a good looking person - whether it's male or female. Howver, it is my opinion that what separates the men from the boys or the women from the girls, is how we control those urges when we are with someone that we care about ther feelings of.

 

What it comes down to for them is self control. Some men/women have it and some don't.

 

What it comes down to for you is, whether or not you want to deal with someone who does not feel the need to control hisself for your sake. that is a choice for you - recognize that there are men out there that think that self control is the respectful thing to do.

 

At this point you are married, so, hopefully he is willing to accommodate your need for him to respect your uncomfortableness of his behavior and is willing to make some adjustments. but then again... boys will be boys...

 

-A

[pugg]

Men look at women and women look at men. It is natural to be drawn to someone that is attractive. Each person is drawn to different attributes about another they find attractive. And I am sure you have seen/heard someone that you thought was attractive.

 

It doesn't sound like this is an ongoing problem or even to be that serious now. Please don't make it one. Don't watch his every movement or look and expect him to do this. If you do it will make you both miserable and cause future problems. A certain amount of jealousy in a relationship is ok but do not use it to hurt.

 

Discuss it and then drop it. I think it's good that the both of you talk about it. Just remember that he is in love with you and is married to you. And I think he has made that clear. Be secure in that fact.