LAYAAN Posted January 26, 2009 Author Share Posted January 26, 2009 I agree with all of Ariel's messages to you Tinu. You don't see it but you are choosing these men and inviting the same kinds of patterns to happen to you over and over again. And if nothing changes in your perceptions then nothing will ever change with the kinds of experiences you are having. You already said you are trying to work on yourself. What are some things you are doing if you care to share? Someone or a few others have said this before but I'll restate it. You should seek some sort of short term counseling while taking a break from dating altogether. Then return to dating after some self work has been done. You don't seem ready to date. My opinion, anyway. I posted about this today in cyber relationships section. I don't know what would be an appropriate place other than that. Link to comment
InvisibleOne Posted January 26, 2009 Share Posted January 26, 2009 About the green card marriage thing, that's the assumption most men would get once they realize you're not a US citizen. They believe you're just looking out to get married and have a permanent status in the US. I believe most foreigners would do such lame tricks however it's unfair to assume ALL foreigners do that. Link to comment
LAYAAN Posted January 27, 2009 Author Share Posted January 27, 2009 I'm not sure about this man. - He wouldn't give me his last name correctly. He keeps changing his last name. He said his last name is "yaxxx" then said its "jaxxx". When I asked him what part of India was he from, he was so damn hesitant. So, I referred to his latest last name and said "do you come from this part of the country?" he was "no, I'm not north Indian jaxxx, I'm safe jaxxx." I - I asked him how long has he been in this country? He said "I'm raised in north America" and then kept referring to torronto, Canada. - He said if you fly here I've 2 bedroom apartment. - I checked his name on google and it says he did highschool in 1984. Its 12th grade right? so how is he just 34? I could find him on facebook by his "jaxxx" last name, and I could identify his photo, but I don't know. - today he asked me my last name. I told him that. I don't know. I'm really having a doubt about this man. I wrote in my email to him today, I would prefer to talk before we meet. He said he is okay with that. I hate that my stupid school has everyone's pictures online... for the world to see. I don't like that. So, now he can know where I'm at but I can't know what he is upto. Link to comment
grymoire Posted January 27, 2009 Share Posted January 27, 2009 Tinu, very sorry to say this but I am seeing major red flags! I get a feeling that if you choose to meet this guy the likelihood of you posting another horror story here in ENA is very high. I cannot imagine a person messing up with their own last name Link to comment
jenny_mcs Posted January 27, 2009 Share Posted January 27, 2009 I - I asked him how long has he been in this country? He said "I'm raised in north America" and then kept referring to torronto, Canada. FYI, Canada is part of North America. Link to comment
grymoire Posted January 27, 2009 Share Posted January 27, 2009 FYI, Canada is part of North America. yup.. in fact, Mexico is also in North America... Link to comment
browneyedgirl36 Posted January 27, 2009 Share Posted January 27, 2009 Ok, now that I've read further, well...I don't think you should meet him. He sounds fishy. If he started high school in 1984, he'd be 38, like me. If he graduated high school in 1984, he'd be 42, so unless you found information on the wrong guy in your internet search, he's lying about his age. I wouldn't meet him until you get more information on him. And, even then, I'm not sure you should. Link to comment
rbr85 Posted January 27, 2009 Share Posted January 27, 2009 Dude it's really not a big deal, his friends are going to take precedence over some girl on the internet he hasn't even met. That's just the way it is. If he's really interested you'll know, but it's not rude. Link to comment
LAYAAN Posted January 27, 2009 Author Share Posted January 27, 2009 FYI, Canada is part of North America. oops! I didn't know that. I'm raised in a jungle in Africa by a bunch of wolves Come on Jenny, I understand that. The reason why I asked is b'coz I want to know how many years he has been in the US, not Canada. He said "oh I came to torronto when I was 5". okay, I understand that part. But how many years have you been in the US? Understand the Q and answer the Q that is asked. Link to comment
Ariel85 Posted January 27, 2009 Share Posted January 27, 2009 Once again, Tinu. Why you continue to give so much energy and time towards guys who from the GET-GO are total losers, is beyond me. This guy is no different than the guy who pawed you, yet you kept pursuing him. This guy insults you by insinuating you are green-card hunting, and yet you continue to engage with him. Why do you continue to allow this energy into your life? Why do you consistently involve yourself with such jerks? I think you must love the drama... Link to comment
grymoire Posted January 27, 2009 Share Posted January 27, 2009 oops! I didn't know that. I'm raised in a jungle in Africa by a bunch of wolves Come on Jenny, I understand that. The reason why I asked is b'coz I want to know how many years he has been in the US, not Canada. He said "oh I came to torronto when I was 5". okay, I understand that part. But how many years have you been in the US? Understand the Q and answer the Q that is asked. ok Tinu, come on now. you can't be pissed off by the responses that have been given here... they were given based on what you wrote. how can anyone know what your real question was? how can anyone know what you wanted to find out was 'how many years he has been in the US'?? Link to comment
ghost69 Posted January 27, 2009 Share Posted January 27, 2009 all you had to say was no problem but he could call you in the afternoon since you were busy the next morning. Link to comment
LAYAAN Posted January 27, 2009 Author Share Posted January 27, 2009 Once again, Tinu. Why you continue to give so much energy and time towards guys who from the GET-GO are total losers, is beyond me. This guy is no different than the guy who pawed you, yet you kept pursuing him. This guy insults you by insinuating you are green-card hunting, and yet you continue to engage with him. Why do you continue to allow this energy into your life? Why do you consistently involve yourself with such jerks? I think you must love the drama... Thank you Ariel. Yes, b'coz I'm not able to get anyone else. Thats all I'm getting. I'm expressing interest in some profiles on EH but they don't get back. We all know how that works, right? So, you have to go for a relatively better candidate from a bunch of men that are interested in you. Now, that doesn't mean you tolerate nonsense, but thats why I'm here. I want advice. Yes, this guy has said about green-card hunting and I'm gonna talk about it in our 2nd phone call. I also have some more Qs that he needs to give honest n proper answers to. If he doesn't then I'm not gonna meet him. Link to comment
LAYAAN Posted January 27, 2009 Author Share Posted January 27, 2009 ok Tinu, come on now. you can't be pissed off by the responses that have been given here... they were given based on what you wrote. how can anyone know what your real question was? how can anyone know what you wanted to find out was 'how many years he has been in the US'?? no, I'm not pissed. I'm just stating my point in a funny way. Sorry if that came accross as rude. Link to comment
Ariel85 Posted January 27, 2009 Share Posted January 27, 2009 Thank you Ariel. Yes, b'coz I'm not able to get anyone else. Thats all I'm getting. I'm expressing interest in some profiles on EH but they don't get back. We all know how that works, right? So, you have to go for a relatively better candidate from a bunch of men that are interested in you. Now, that doesn't mean you tolerate nonsense, but thats why I'm here. I want advice. Yes, this guy has said about green-card hunting and I'm gonna talk about it in our 2nd phone call. I also have some more Qs that he needs to give honest n proper answers to. If he doesn't then I'm not gonna meet him. So, basically you are saying that you feel you need to settle for these idiots? Tinu - most people would dismiss either of these guys after what they have done/said. Yet, you keep pursuing them and they are the WRONG guys. If someone is an A-hole in the beginning, that's not going to improve. I think you need to work on your filtering skills. The more you get involved with these guys who are abusive, or jerks, or don't respect boundaries, the more you teach them, and the Universe, that this is what you feel you deserve. Just staying in contact with either of them sends the message that you are willing to take more mistreatment, and there the dynamic will snowball. Link to comment
grymoire Posted January 27, 2009 Share Posted January 27, 2009 Tinu, some of your posts are a bit confusing for me. You say that you get 'matched' with some guys and then you also say you express interest in some guys... How exactly does this EH work? Link to comment
LAYAAN Posted January 28, 2009 Author Share Posted January 28, 2009 Tinu, some of your posts are a bit confusing for me. You say that you get 'matched' with some guys and then you also say you express interest in some guys... How exactly does this EH work? on EH, you are matched with a bunch of men. Some will take an initiative to get in touch with you and sometime you can initiate the contact. When I initiated the contact most men would not respond. Hence I stopped initiating. I'm going for men that are taking the 1st step. Link to comment
LAYAAN Posted January 28, 2009 Author Share Posted January 28, 2009 So, basically you are saying that you feel you need to settle for these idiots? Tinu - most people would dismiss either of these guys after what they have done/said. Yet, you keep pursuing them and they are the WRONG guys. If someone is an A-hole in the beginning, that's not going to improve. I think you need to work on your filtering skills. The more you get involved with these guys who are abusive, or jerks, or don't respect boundaries, the more you teach them, and the Universe, that this is what you feel you deserve. Just staying in contact with either of them sends the message that you are willing to take more mistreatment, and there the dynamic will snowball. I hear you. Yes, I think I'm realizing my mistake. I'm seeing a pattern. I think, I'm desperate to just get together with a man and call it a day. I've been told over n over that I don't deserve any better than this. Whatever odd crumb a man throws at me, I should be thankful for that. All my friends are married. I'm not. God! I don't even know what I"m talking about. Whatever I am saying doesn't make much sense. I see that whoever I talked to on phone, I went to meet him in person. I didn't Q why am I going there. I'm desperate for marriage. Not sex, just want to see myself get married I guess. Others found whatever love of their life you wanna call in 4 months. I didn't. Why not? Why me? Ariel, my behavioral standards are high but no one has met them yet so I was told, just settle. So, I'm trying to settle now. Link to comment
Ariel85 Posted January 28, 2009 Share Posted January 28, 2009 I'm desperate for marriage. So, I'm trying to settle now. This is so sad, Tinu. I hate to hear of ANYONE so desperate for something that they are compromising their own well-being. Tinu - being married for the sake of being married isn't going to bring you happiness. I would venture to say that 50% of people that are married aren't happy. It's not the be all, end all. If you are this desperate for a man - so much so that you are willing to tolerate mistreatment, then I'm not sure how helpful any advice here will be for you... Link to comment
grymoire Posted January 28, 2009 Share Posted January 28, 2009 on EH, you are matched with a bunch of men. Some will take an initiative to get in touch with you and sometime you can initiate the contact. When I initiated the contact most men would not respond. Hence I stopped initiating. I'm going for men that are taking the 1st step. Ok.. Now for that match to take place your criteria and the guy's criteria needs to match right? What criteria do you have? Is there any way you can modify your criteria/preferences so that you can weed out all these losers? The fact that EH system 'matches' you with some men as opposed to you choosing does not sound like a nice system. You still have a choice but that is limited to the pool of men chosen by EH for you. Link to comment
grymoire Posted January 28, 2009 Share Posted January 28, 2009 I hear you. Yes, I think I'm realizing my mistake. I'm seeing a pattern. I think, I'm desperate to just get together with a man and call it a day. I've been told over n over that I don't deserve any better than this. Whatever odd crumb a man throws at me, I should be thankful for that. All my friends are married. I'm not. God! I don't even know what I"m talking about. Whatever I am saying doesn't make much sense. WHAT?!?!?! Who says such non-sense to you? And most importantly why do you tolerate such crap? If some one here in ENA gives you a hard time don't you hit back? Why don't you do the same in your real life? So what if your friends are married? Tinu, you are no longer in India. Plz remember that. You can live your life the way YOU want, not the way your friends or your other so called well-wishers want. Link to comment
ghost69 Posted January 28, 2009 Share Posted January 28, 2009 you are in too much of a hurry to find a man and you are overlooking everything you don't want in a guy. and if it doesn't work out with those guys you are just bashing yourself. you have to realize, just because you like a guy, doesn't mean it will work out. Link to comment
LAYAAN Posted January 29, 2009 Author Share Posted January 29, 2009 So, I told him that I want to talk to him before deciding to meet. But I'm not sure if I should put my concerns about what he said ("we'll have a green-card marriage" x2) in an email or talk on phone. I'm angry about what he said and this is what I plan on saying "I find Your mentioning that "we'll have a green-card marriage" very disrespectful. You seem to have assumed that women join EH to catch a man for a green-card marriage. I hope you are aware of the fact that if a woman chooses to marry a GC holder (not a citizen yet) she will still get her GC through marriage and there is no shortage of such men out there. I didn't know that you were raised here before we talked so how can you assume that I'm in that league of women? I'm afraid that even if our basics are matching and I'm a nice person, you will never be able to trust me completely and see me the way I'm if you are operating under fear that I'm after the GC. I'm not sure if meeting will be worth anything then. What do you think about what you said? and please don't say that you were joking. People don't joke about such serious matters." Link to comment
LAYAAN Posted January 29, 2009 Author Share Posted January 29, 2009 alright, ghost, I get it. I've to send him some response b'coz we are supposed to meet. Soon its gonna be a week since we talked and I need to decide something. So, I'm wondering what I should say. Link to comment
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