he wants a break until we find out where i land my next job .. is this reasonable?

[mentee]

this is actually part of another thread i had started, but i wanted some advice on this particular part of that thread .. thanks so much in advance .. background: started dating a guy; became exclusive quickly; he was always emotionally reserved; i became fearful, demanding and unhappy because of it.

 

"so just wanted to update ..

 

i've backed off for over a week now (but haven't really seen him in 2 because we've both been traveling), even after he suggested that i continue to txt him .. i told him he didn't have to call me unless he felt like it .. told him i wanted to give him space, and he appreciated it .. said i was being very kind .. [but at the same time he never asked for space and was initially annoyed because he thought i was pushing him away] .. during that time i just focused on myself, stayed busy with work, and had a lot of good times with my friends .. i did miss him a lot at times .. when he called i was pretty happy, but didn't really feel the same way i had before .. felt a little numb .. self-preservation, i guess ..

 

during that time to myself and talking to some psychiatry buddies, i figured out a few things ... it's obvious now that i've been demanding and nit-picking, and even if i make my requests nicely, it's all the same .. it's also obvious that he's taking things very slowly, keeping me at arm's length, and is emotionally unavailable/conflicted .. and of course that made me more fearful, which put me into over-analyzing mode .. i want to change that (acting out on my fear), but i really needed to figure out why i couldn't just go with the flow ... with some help, i figured out why and wanted to tell him about it ..

 

we had a really long talk, and i apologized that my fears caused me to try to control the situation ... he took ownership of the fact that he didn't express his doubts with me and didn't explain why he was emotionally conflicted .. he knew it wasn't my responsibility to make him share his feelings with me, and that i needed to trust that if a guy has a problem with me, he'd tell me instead of leaving me dangling in the air .. i don't need to spend my days hanging on every last word, wondering if there's a problem (which i had been doing) .. we talked about how we're extremely compatible - spiritually, intellectually, physically ... and he told me why he's been reserved .. he actually didn't know why he had been until we took that time off to think ... turns out i'm "matching" soon (in medicine, we don't really have a choice where we train .. it's not like we get a lot of acceptances and we choose where we want to go .. we compile a list of places we want to go, and we all match at 1 place on 1 day .. it's a BIG surprise where you end up, and it is a legally binding contract .. no backing out really, and you must go since your career depends on it .. not an easy life) .. so he's always been afraid of falling in love with me and felt that he was falling .. was afraid that i'd match far away, and we'd have another big issue on our hands .. [he is a physician who worked very hard to land a spot in our popular and competitive city] .. i asked why he didn't mention this before since he always knew about this ... he said things were so good he wanted to just go all the way despite his fear, but since the time apart, his fear and my unhappiness really got to him .. i completely understood.

 

now he wants to take a break, be friends, and see where i match, and if it's here in our city, then we can start up again .. [he also said he doesn't want to influence how i rank my list of places i'd like to go .. on match day, the machine matches you up with what you rank the highest, although you may not get your 1st, 2nd, 3rd etc. choice .. i tried to reassure him he wouldn't influence it, but i might be lying to myself] .. on the other hand, i'm really into this guy .. especially after our ability to really talk this thing through like adults .. i always felt that breaks are just really break-ups, and you treat it the same .. by moving on completely (no friendship, no contact) .. i told him this and asked him if he was sure he wanted to break up with me .. because if i do end up here, i'm not sure how i'd feel about starting things up again .. it might not happen .. it might give me more doubts and fears than i really need right now? i understand where he's coming from but is it unreasonable for me to feel uncomfortable with this? i just know i really want to be with this guy, but i simply want to take it a LOT SLOWER [and cross the bridge once we get there regarding this "match day"] .. and i've learned that he easily communicates with me as long as he trusts that i'm safe and won't flip out and be demanding (which i haven't been lately) .. i think we're pretty good at this point if it weren't for our professional lives getting in the way, but i'm willing to work through it .. do i try this friend thing? he was ambivalent about a full fledged break-up, and i'm not sure what the appropriate thing to do is ... i don't think either of us knows what to do .."

 

 

thanks again in advance

[alli]

Before reading this I was going to say that taking a break is ridiculous & sounds like an excuse to want a breakup, but I do see where he's coming from. He wants to know that he will not fall hard for you, only to have you move accross the world soon.

 

How far away is this match day? Where do you want to go? Is your #1 choice close to where you both are right now? I see why he doesn't want to influence your choice & make you stay someplace that you don't really like. But your choice should be based on everything, including him since he is a piece of the pie. Would you be willing to put your current location as your #1 choice if it meant you had a chance to stay with him? Would you be hating life if you ended up there & you guys broke up for good?

 

You should ask him that if you did end up matched to where he lives, will he want to be in a full-fledged relationship? Will he be in that city just as long as you? Does he want kids? As you said, the relationship moved fast. Before you decide to plan your life around him, you need to find out if your futures are compatible by talking about each of your current plans & wishes for the future.

[MrGrinch]

Take it from one young medical professional to another... you've chosen a career path that will require you to make lots of sacrifices in the next decade! This is just the first of probably many to come and you will learn a lot from this experience specifically. I would continue to be very very good friends until matching and see how that plays out and then go from there. If you end up reasonably close to him geographically I would pursue him. Maybe he can move with you... but it doesn't sounds as if this is feasible? But sorry to say being a resident in training with 24+ hour shifts and carrying a long distance relationship will be challenging. And of course, as you know once you are matched you do have a bit of a moral and ethical obligation to focus strongly on your studies as oposed to a LDR. Being a doc in training is like no other profession in terms of committment and obligation. OK, I will get off my medical soapbox now... I truly wish you all the best of luck though on both accounts. You sounds like a very caring empathic person... and the type of person the medical community needs more of.

[Blanco Nino]

Well, my best and longest relationship ended with her getting a dream job transfer and meeting another guy almost immediately after arriving in her new city. My next relationship was with a Med student. After about 2 months together she told me about her residency which was about 9-10 months away. Like you she had a list but had no clue where she was going. I went home that night and decided to break it off based on my past experience.

 

I don't really know what to say to help you other than it's up to the other person to decide what to do. It's a tough spot to be in.

[mentee]

Being a doc in training is like no other profession in terms of committment and obligation. OK, I will get off my medical soapbox now... I truly wish you all the best of luck though on both accounts. You sounds like a very caring empathic person... and the type of person the medical community needs more of.

 

MrGrinch, you have no idea how happy i am to see you on this board .. i feel like this is such a difficult time for me .. the interview process has been tiring .. the upcoming match is frightening ... i am worried about where i'll match or if i'll even get that spot .. and i'm currently at one of the most geographically desirable places so it's competitive (and i feel almost impossible!) to stay here .. and the field i'm applying into is competitive as well .. but this location is my #1 choice despite him (although i wonder if there's a part of me that is factoring him in, which i actually don't want to do since we are in a new relationship) .. i just know that he and i think we are more compatible than anyone we've ever been with and because i really care about this relationship, i've been trying to be quite careful about it ..

 

sometimes i wish that there is a board for physicians to discuss their feelings and emotions about life as a doc in general ... i think it is extremely difficult to be a physician or to date/marry one .. we have a very unique experience .. but also a very difficult one as well .. we go (or at least hope we all do) into this profession to help others by giving the best parts of ourselves, and where does that leave us? it leaves me on ENA!

[mentee]

You sounds like a very caring empathic person...

 

and you seem quite astute! i think a caring person can spot another caring person out quite easily .. did you ever read the New York Times article about how the most depressed medical students are the ones that are most empathic? it was pretty sad .. they tried to spin it by saying they will become physicians who will find the most happiness in caring for others .. i hope it will be the same for me, but i am currently feeling hollow and down ..

[alcide]

Love doesn't ask why its speaks from the heart and never explaines, don't you know that, follow your heart, don't keep your distance now, do all what you can you go while you have the opportunity and stop trying to save the hurt, if you match and go far away you will with regrets not spending the time you should with your lover, life is short, what if you never make it, live life with no regrets, you have short time stop wasting it trying to do the "right, wrong" thing, go to him spend time. or you will regret you never did. What do you say in taking changes.

[mentee]

Well, my best and longest relationship ended with her getting a dream job transfer and meeting another guy almost immediately after arriving in her new city. My next relationship was with a Med student. After about 2 months together she told me about her residency which was about 9-10 months away. Like you she had a list but had no clue where she was going. I went home that night and decided to break it off based on my past experience.

 

I don't really know what to say to help you other than it's up to the other person to decide what to do. It's a tough spot to be in.

 

you broke it off because you were afraid she would leave you and find someone else?

you didn't want to take the risk of being with her for the next 9-10 months, possibly developing even a better love, and then figure out what steps to take then?

was the risk of losing her not as great as the risk of you getting hurt?

were you not finding yourselves compatible?

[mentee]

Love doesn't ask why its speaks from the heart and never explaines, don't you know that, follow your heart, don't keep your distance now, do all what you can you go while you have the opportunity and stop trying to save the hurt, if you match and go far away you will with regrets not spending the time you should with your lover, life is short, what if you never make it, live life with no regrets, you have short time stop wasting it trying to do the "right, wrong" thing, go to him spend time. or you will regret you never did. What do you say in taking changes.

 

 

 

this is exactly how i feel .. but i'm also afraid to burden him .. i think that if this guy is the kind of person i want to spend the rest of my life with, why can't i try with everything i have and see what happens when it happens?

 

i know i did push him away before out of fear ... and looks like he's doing the same now .. but i realized i was letting fear dictate my behavior, imprison me, and cause me unhappiness ... i'm still scared of getting hurt .. but not as scared as losing someone who i find amazing ..

[mentee]

How far away is this match day? Where do you want to go? Is your #1 choice close to where you both are right now?

Would you be hating life if you ended up there & you guys broke up for good?

 

You should ask him that if you did end up matched to where he lives, will he want to be in a full-fledged relationship? Will he be in that city just as long as you? Does he want kids? As you said, the relationship moved fast. Before you decide to plan your life around him, you need to find out if your futures are compatible by talking about each of your current plans & wishes for the future.

 

thank you alli! awesome advice .. i really appreciate it and hope to ask him these questions (currently not speaking, we said we'd pick up the conversation another time in a few days) ..

 

match is in march .. i do want to stay in this city because it is one of the most desirable places to live .. a part of me is considering ranking other cities closer to my family which is in another state .. so i am a little conflicted about that part, but i want to live my life in this city and have my career here ... i don't necessarily have to train here to do that, and it is sensible to be near family during a time of rigorous training ...

i have a lot of friends in this city so if we broke up, i'd still have a strong support system .. but i'm not sure if being near family would be an even better support system .. the last few years in medical school i've been fine by talking to my family over the phone during distressing times, but i'm not sure if being physically close would be better? (what do you think MrGrinch?)

[Blanco Nino]

you broke it off because you were afraid she would leave you and find someone else?

you didn't want to take the risk of being with her for the next 9-10 months, possibly developing even a better love, and then figure out what steps to take then?

was the risk of losing her not as great as the risk of you getting hurt?

were you not finding yourselves compatible?

 

Her list consisted of basically Cali and the Pac Northwest. Being in DC I just felt there was no chance.

 

Developing a better love was exactly what I was afraid of.

 

I weighed the risk and thought my odds of getting hurt were much higher. Not that she would find another guy(that was only part of it) but just the difficulty of it all.

 

We were pretty compatible. It was not quite love at first sight which is what I usually experience. But it was growing.

 

Good luck in your move/career/dating etc. I'd love to do something in the medical field especially during these times. I feel like it might be a safer path. That pesky back to school at 30 thing though

[mentee]

I weighed the risk and thought my odds of getting hurt were much higher.

 

makes perfect sense.

 

you know my brother is 29 and is going to start medical school next year .. (i tried to warn him not to haha) .. trust me, i think you've made the right decision .. going into medicine for financial stability will leave most people depressed ..... i'd rather be poor and happy (:

[BeStrongBeHappy]

I think you are looking at this a bit too deeply in terms of it being 'fear' on his part.

 

You've really only dated 2 months, so you hardly know each other, and he is letting you know he does enjoy your company, but not enough to even consider for a moment trying to do anything long distance. And not even enough to date you another couple months to see where it goes.

 

I think he sees that you are taking this very seriously very early on, and at a minimum he is helping you see that he doesn't take it nearly as seriously as you do, or he would be willing to take more of a chance with it and consider trying a long distance relationship. But he just isn't. I think he's being practical, recognizing that trying to keep up a long distance relationship when neither of you is free to travel much just isn't a likely outcome.

 

The smart thing to do might be to acknowledge the reality here, that you might indeed be leaving for a far away place that doesn't allow the two of you to carry on much of a relationship. So you need to try to put the brakes on your own feelings and just enjoy it on surface value til you know where you're going, or acknowledge you can't do that and do break up.

[mentee]

Blanco Nino:

 

i want to tell him how i feel .. that i think he is special .. we've both agreed that we have a very special connection and are really compatible .. and i usually don't find people who are spiritually compatible (practicing buddhist), and so i appreciate what we have .. he has everything i have been looking for .. and i've been looking for awhile .. and he also has qualities that i never thought i would love so much in a person .. he's told me he's never dated a girl like me before, and he respects me as much as his one mentor and his other best friend .. how can i let him know how i feel about him (because i never really have before) ... that i really want to stay in this city .. that i'm willing to risk getting hurt (i'm actually already hurt anyway) because i feel like he's worth it ... he's not in training so there is a potential for him to move but i understand that it's a huge decision .. i want to lay it all on the table and let him decide with this information, but don't want to manipulate him ... is this information (how i feel about him) important for him to make a decision?

[alcide]

this is exactly how i feel .. but i'm also afraid to burden him .. i think that if this guy is the kind of person i want to spend the rest of my life with, why can't i try with everything i have and see what happens when it happens?

 

i know i did push him away before out of fear ... and looks like he's doing the same now .. but i realized i was letting fear dictate my behavior, imprison me, and cause me unhappiness ... i'm still scared of getting hurt .. but not as scared as losing someone who i find amazing ..

 

Well dear i've told you, you never know, life is fool of changes, which will hrut u more moving away and not following your heart will allow u to regret and suffer not touching him, and the link will shortly die after you go away, and if you follow your heart now at least you can cherish that mmemories for ever where ever you are, and then you get a reason to keep in touch becasue you had someting good going on. sugar call him and spend as much time as u can and relax ok.

[mentee]

BeStrong:

 

great advice but i have to mention a few things to clarify the situation:

-he asked ME to become exclusive

-he told me he considered long distance and even considered a move, which is why he decided to date me and become exclusive

-in the first 2 weeks he interrogated me about whether i was thinking of marriage, if i was ready to be in a serious relationship, if i was taking him seriously, if i would marry someone like him (he was afraid i'd prefer to marry someone of the same ethnicity)

-he told me he was afraid that since i'm young and get hit on frequently, that i would want to simply date around and see what my options are

-he told me he didn't want to date for fun and his goal would be to settle down

-our relationship progressed quickly because we were asking serious relationship questions earlier than the average couple (and he started all of this kind of talk!)

-we do know each other quite well regarding goals, interests, values .. but we are still learning about how the other person operates

-he felt inadequate because i was unhappy with him at times, not realizing that it was my own fears that did this to me

-when i gave him space that he didn't ask for, he told me that it looked like i didn't even miss him and had a good time without him in my life

 

 

everything you're saying could definitely be right, and i'm not sure if this background helps with anything .. but clearly how he started this relationship made me take it seriously and completely open my heart .. which was extremely frightening for me to do and why i pushed him away .. he sensed it and even said i was pushing him away ..

[mentee]

Alcide: you are a really sweet and loving person .. i find your compassion very heart-warming ..

[mentee]

i just wonder if being in the medical profession just screws up the way normal individuals would start and continue a relationship .. from the beginning we had to have serious talk because we have serious business in our lives .. i had big decisions to make .. and all the while he has this demanding job where he is in control of the life or death of a patient on a daily basis ... i'm just feeling * * * * ty about it all .. to think, i initially wasn't interested because i said i didn't want to date another doctor ... and he reassured me because he said he would understand my life better than someone who wasn't in the field .. and he would be more understanding of my (lack of) time and stress ... this has really blown up in my face and it hurts.

[BeStrongBeHappy]

But then you have to ask yourself, if he did all those things early in the relationship, why all of a sudden is he trying to break up with you?

 

There are many many people who start out a relationship in a rush like that, when the real push is to get you excited enough to have sex with them early on. Or they're the type of people who like to indulge in fantasy love affairs, but when the real person starts to show through, they're off chasing the next new fantasy.

 

To me it seems like he either has changed his mind about how serious he wants to be with you (which does happens as people get to know each other better), or he's thought about it more and realized that a long distance relationship is just not want he wants.

 

In fact, if he's really hot to settle down soon and quickly, he obviously can't do that if you're in another town, and has to wait at least as long as your residency for you to come back, and to have very little contact during the whole residency. So if he's getting the 'nesting' instinct, he may have realized your situation just isn't practical to meet his needs.

 

I don't mean to rain on your parade, but he's just told you he thinks you should break up. That is never a good sign, and definitely a sign that he is moving in a direction that is away from commitment, not towards it. Many people take a person's words over their actions, especially if there was a strong romantic haze in the beginning of the relationship, and people say things that they really can't back up because they don't know the person well enough to know whether they want to make the relationship permanent, then may change their mind as they get to know the person better.

 

So you have to really look at his actions in addition to the words early on. He's making a choice to break up with you now, that speaks for itself.

 

Personally, what i would do if there is any chance you might be able to stay, is keep seeing him, but try to rein in your feeling a bit until you know whether you will be in town with him or not. If he has already made it clear he has no intentions of considering the relationship if you leave, then you have to go into a bit of a defensive mode, or take the risk for another couple months, and deal with your emotions when you do have to leave.

 

I think it is worth the chance to continue til then, but also recognize that the outcome might be that it is over in a couple months.

[mentee]

BeStrong:

he said he only wanted a break, not a break-up .. but for me, i see it as the same .. when i asked him if he wanted to break-up, he couldn't make a decision .. he still hasn't .. waiting hurts, i just want him to decide, and i don't know why it's taking him so long.

 

added: and he wanted to take it slow on the sex .. he has a policy regarding sex that he abides by .. he is actually a very mindful and caring person .. i think it's his spirituality that makes him that way .. and we never had a romantic haze or a rush of anything .. it was really slow which is actually what bothered me

 

(great advice by the way!!)

[Blanco Nino]

Seeing that he initiated so much serious talk in the beginning do you think maybe he rushed it to get you in bed? Horrible I know but it happens.

 

I don't see any reason why you should not lay it all on the table with regards to your feelings. I think it would be better than not telling him how you feel and having to wonder about it.

[mentee]

Seeing that he initiated so much serious talk in the beginning do you think maybe he rushed it to get you in bed? Horrible I know but it happens.

 

oh yes, i know it happens ... but he actually didn't want to do it with me .. he said he wanted to talk and get to know me better ... but i don't know .. anything is possible .. i just feel that he is not the type of guy to do that .. he is extremely moral and upstanding with very strong principles but has an open mind at the same time .. which is exactly why we fit .. we're both practicing buddhists and feel strongly about not taking advantage of people and being kind and compassionate to everyone.

[mentee]

i know this is probably an inappropriate comment, but you've set yourself up Blanco .. you are one handsome guy!

[mentee]

BeStrong:

 

if i remain "friends" with him during the next 2 months .. and say all of this is really simply based on the match ... and if i end up staying, you think it's wise to start up again? if you were in my situation would you feel any resentment or fear that this person might want more and more breaks every time a condition arises where he primarily focuses on protecting himself? i guess what i'm really asking is if the guy wants a break now to start things later if the conditions are right, should i be cool with this at all? or if a person wants a break, i just need to run and never look back?

[BeStrongBeHappy]

No, i would just think he is being practical. It is a HUGE thing to overcome if you move away somewhere else for 4 years (how long will you need to be away), so it is not a minor bump to overcome, and he may just be trying to prevent getting you (or him) further attached if you are going to be away and it just has no future because of it.

 

If it were me, i'd keep dating him now on the chance you do get to stay in town and just enjoy it. And if you get to stay, excellent, if you have to go, you'd have to break up with him either now or later, so why not enjoy it and take a chance first.

 

I wouldn't hold it against him since you are really early on in the relationship, and he has a right to be cautious/careful at this point.