he wants a break until we find out where i land my next job .. is this reasonable?

[Blanco Nino]

i know this is probably an inappropriate comment, but you've set yourself up Blanco .. you are one handsome guy!

 

Aww shucks not inappropriate to me!

 

I think in the end you should just hang in there with him while not setting any sort of boundaries. Just go with the flow. It really all does hinge on that residency destination which to my knowledge you don't have any control over.

 

Good luck you never know this all might be moot if you get your #1 choice.

[mentee]

BeStrong:

 

you are very wise .. thank you!

i would like to date him still, protect my feelings a little more, just enjoy each other's company without serious talk or serious thought and create more happy memories instead of dealing with 2 months of pain and angst .. and deal with issues as they come along .. one of the programs here seemed to really want me so i am hopeful ..

 

he on the other hand wanted that break but not break up! so i guess i just wanted to know if i should give him that and keep an open mind about getting back together or tell him that we should just break up instead .. i assume your advice would be to give him the break and keep an open mind ... during this time, do i date other ppl (ppl have asked me out this week)? try to move on? isn't that like a break-up anyway? what do you suggest?

[BeStrongBeHappy]

i'd tell him i'd still like to keep seeing him until the decision is made, but keep the dating light and happy with no expectations.

 

he probably wants the break because he is afraid it will get very emotional for the next two months if you are upset about leaving. so he may be asking for a break because he doesn't want to deal with 2 or 3 months of drama.

 

so i'd tell him you've thought about it and either want to be friends and the break is OK, but it is also OK to keep dating if he's willing, but you won't expect to have to have another serious talk until (and if) you do hear you are staying in town.

 

so tell him you either want to be friends (i.e., say OK to the break), or keep dating, depending on which he feels better about.

 

But if he doesn't want to see you at all between now and then, that is more a sign he might be actually trying to break up vs. take a break until you know whether you're staying. So you need to try to make sure you understand what he means by 'break', then make your own decision based on what is right for you.

[mentee]

BeStrong:

 

thank you so much! i will do that .. he texted me to see how i was doing .. i said i was sad .. he said he had no idea i'd be feeling this way and that we can have our talk later .. if he wants a break but doesn't want to talk to me during that time then i will break-up ... wish me luck!

[mentee]

one question arose when we talked...

 

does break include us dating other ppl? do you guys think that's also reasonable? so we don't wait around for each other and get attached?

[BeStrongBeHappy]

If you date other people, there's always a chance he'll never date you again even if you stay if he starts liking whomever else he is dating more than you.

 

I would suggest you both just keep dating until you learn where you are going, and if you are leaving, then you break up, and if not, then you can continue dating without risking that he is going to meet someone else on your 'break' that he likes better.

[mentee]

so we had the talk yesterday on the phone and then over dinner ... i told him how i felt about him and said it was up to him .. he shared with me all of his doubts .. he said he really liked me, misses me, thinks about me a lot .. but he still wanted a break because he really doubted if we'd work out (that i'd match here) .. i think he did the math just like Blanco .. i assume his doubts are stronger than his feelings at the moment .. and he emphasized how he really didn't want to influence my rank list on the match (but i said it wouldn't because i already knew how i'd rank my list before i met him .. i doubt i'd even tell him how i'll rank my list because those are my choices anyway) .. so then i asked for a concrete explanation of what a break means and what will we be doing and what are our boundaries ... by the time i asked this we were already walking out of the restaurant, and he turned to me and hugged me .. then we looked into each other's eyes and tried to resist kissing .. because by that time he said one of the boundaries is being romantic/physical .. but he couldn't resist and started kissing me many times on my forehead, on top of my head, and cheeks .. then i looked up at him, and we kissed on the lips .. fast forward, and we're at his place except he doesn't want to anything but hold each other, kiss, and talk - not about the relationship but just catching up with each other and what's going on in the world .. this morning he started treating me like a girlfriend again .. calling me "baby" or "sweetie" and holding my hand and giving me pecks before dropping me off .. it was nice but i was more confused .. he was the one that said we shouldn't be romantic and just be friends, yet later he says i'm beautiful, great to be around, that we have the best talks and starts acting like my boyfriend again ..

 

because things felt so sweet, i didn't want to bring up the fact that we have yet to define the relationship and really lay down the rules about how we'll treat each other ..... i honestly hate having relationship talks even though i always initiate them .. i told him i just wanted to have one talk about the relationship or anything relationship-related and never discuss it again until i start residency .. i wanted to get everything straight last night, but then all that stuff happened .. now i don't know what we are, and i feel back at square one .. in limbo.

[Ellie2006]

he was the one that said we shouldn't be romantic and just be friends, yet later he says i'm beautiful, great to be around, that we have the best talks and starts acting like my boyfriend again ..

 

I dont think just bc he was touchy-feely, it necessarily means he's acting like a boyfriend.

 

On the contrary, someone who wants to be a "boyfriend" (which would mean more openness towards the idea of commitment) would have been more eager to try out the long distance thing, even if he believes ldr tends to not work out.

 

In my humble opinion, I think you should take what he SAID (and not what he did afterward) at face value, and focus on enjoying time w/ him until you get matched, like BSBH said above.

[mentee]

i'd love to focus on enjoying time with him .. that's what i asked of him .. regardless of what he wants to call our "relationship", i just want to see him, talk to him, have a good time with him, and possibly not date other people .. and not discuss our relationship either .. and not have any other expectations .. but he said "break" which meant being friends without romance or being physical, and we didn't get to finish defining it because we ended up being romantic and physical ... i don't want to be strung along, you know? i just need to know our dating boundaries so i don't overstep them and so that i can protect myself .. i always have to look out for #1 ..

 

so what should my next step be? my primary aim is to find peace and understanding regarding all of this .. secondary is to date this guy ..

[mentee]

would have been more eager to try out the long distance thing, even if he believes ldr tends to not work out.

 

i don't think anyone is eager to do long distance when you are both extremely busy physicians and one is in rigorous training for 5 years .. i'm not blaming the guy at all. but he did mention that he didn't know what he'd do if i left .. not that he wouldn't do LD at all, but that it would be difficult to make a decision.

[Ellie2006]

Hi again,

 

Whether he's confused himself about what to do OR he believes that he is making a logical decision OR he is trying to save himself from further heartache (if and when you leave) is kind of moot at this point: he ultimately opted for the break and did not change his mind about this decision.

 

In any event, it seems like he has made his next course of action pretty clear (and I may be wrong of course but he does not seem like a person who wavers in his decisions after they've been made). Just because he had a "weak" moment and was intimate w/ you, I dont think this necessarily means he'll change his mind about the break.

 

So you have to now make your decision: either accept casual dating until you leave (or not) in March, with NO expectation of the casual dating situation extending beyond March OR decide to nip this in the bud NOW bc you do not want to get more emotionally involved when there is a real possibility that this "relationship" now has the shelf-life of 30-50 days.

 

Just my two cents.

[mentee]

so he may be asking for a break because he doesn't want to deal with 2 or 3 months of drama.

 

BeStrong:

you were spot on .. he did mention this last night

[mentee]

In any event, it seems like he has made his next course of action pretty clear (and I may be wrong of course but he does not seem like a person who wavers in his decisions after they've been made). Just because he had a "weak" moment and was intimate w/ you, I dont think this necessarily means he'll change his mind about the break.

 

i agree.

 

 

so looks like the ball is in my court ..

i guess that's my dilemma .. he said break but his actions say possible casual dating .. i want casual dating .. but can i actually choose casual dating if he said break? or does break mean casual dating? i just need clarfication .. i feel like i need to ask him again "hey are we casually dating? is this alright with you?" or is that unnecessary ..

[BeStrongBeHappy]

Let his actions speak for themselves... i'd do nothing, and see if he calls and asks you on a date and initiates any 'dating' activities. If he just calls to chat and doesn't want to see you, or doesn't suggest dates where he makes it clear you are still going to be intimate (sex), then i'd just assume you were friends for now.

 

I think if you try to have another talk, it will be perceived as drama, so best to just let it go. The next decision point will be when you found out if you're staying or not, and you can have another talk then.

 

But if he doesn't call you again or show any more interest, i would take it that perhaps he doesn't want to get serious right now, whether you're here or elsewhere, and might be dating someone else.

[mentee]

BeStrong:

 

once again, excellent advice! thanks so much, your help has really made a difference ... i won't say anything and will let his actions speak for themselves .. i think we've done enough talking for now .. i find out about the match in march and will be moving in june ..

 

the good news is that he's texted me multiple times this morning and has implied that we'll be seeing each other again this weekend ..

 

i'm feeling quite happy at the moment .. thanks to you guys (:

[BeStrongBeHappy]

Enjoy!

[mentee]

just to update: we've been texting and talking, and he asked me to dinner and a movie last night .. we had so much fun, and i ended up spending the night .. everything feels like it was before, except now i feel much lighter because i don't have the same expectations as before .. he asked me to dinner again tonight, and i feel very happy .. at least with him .. my rank list is now another story! there are rare moments when i look at him and think about the sadness of splitting up based on external circumstances .. but he is definitely worth it. i don't think i'll regret taking the risk. (:

[BeStrongBeHappy]

Great news! Just enjoy it, because whatever will happen will happen with the rank list, so you may as well enjoy it now before you get really busy with your residency, wherever that is.