Guy constantly flirts but nothing else

[greeneyes]

I am 29 years old. There is this guy at work that I have been flirting with for several months now and he flirts back. I think we are both attracted to each other. He says it would be inappropriate to act on our feelings because we work together. If I ask him questions like, where do people our age hang out, I get the response that he wants to, but it wouldn't be appropriate to act on our feelings. Our friend has been to lunch with us and says it is obvious he is attracted to me. She feels like a third wheel. I have no doubt that he is flirting, but he is driving me crazy. I have tried ignoring him but he just comes on stronger. What should I do? My friend suggested trying to catch him off guard one day after lunch and kiss him. I'm a little afraid to do this.

[Beec]

It's clear he is attracted, knows you are attracted and is just unwilling to put his job at risk, which he thinks he will do if the two of you become involved. If you really want to move on this, why not find a way to convince him that his job is not at risk. Is he your boss or a supervisor? Do you work on projects together? There are a number of issues that can arise, but if you work on separate things and mostly if there is no power relationship between you, there should be little risk. Maybe some internet research on sex and lvoe in the office could be useful. Find a good "how to" page and send him the link, then follow the instructions. You need to be careful as well to CYA, sexual harassment cuts both ways.

[greeneyes]

We actually work on 2 different floors and never have any need to work together. I know of 2 things he is afraid of. One - I work in human resources (I know - I should no better - I don't run it) and two - he has a relative at another company that our company works closely with.

 

I don't know how I can convince him his job isn't at risk. It's to the point now where even if I am on a date with someone else I'm thinking about him.

 

Should I make a move as bold as kissing him after lunch? He is sometimes close enough to kiss because he'll stand 6 inches away from me to tell me something.

[Beec]

My normal advice would be yes, do it. Bust a move.

 

But the real issue is getting inside his head enough to make him not care about the risks, or minimize the risks. So, I would also add in a big before or after comment about him needing to figure out that what he really should be careful about not losing is his chances with you, i.e. let him know in a way that you are worth more than any job. Confidence is sexy.

[greeneyes]

How does a girl get inside a guys head...enough to make him take the leap?

[Beec]

Now you ask the more difficult question. The conceptual answers are easier to give. The actual how to's you need to work out on your own.

 

Conceptual answers: provide emotional fulfillment; while remaining aloof, independent and vague about your feelings; provide some idea that they could lose or not land you. He will become dependent on your emootional fulfillment, not be turned away by any neediness (you're aloof); think he may lose you and want what he might not be able to have; then act on all this stuff to make his move.

 

Emotional fulfillment means you needs to get and make this person feel special, you have to be the one who makes them feel good, the one they enjoy being around; the one they want to be with more.

 

Vague, independent, includes not being needy or demanding, not clingy, not defintie in your intentions. It also requires you to give him the emotional fulfillment, the withhold it for a while, then give it, then withhold it, etc. This is seductive behavior.

 

What works depends on him and you. What does he needs and want emotionally and what can you do.

 

Think also of the type of seducer you are, and by that I do not mean how you get someone into bed, but how you get them to follow you like a puppy dog. You have it in you soemwhere, but what method to use. Marilyn Monroe seduced as a siren, she reeked of sexuality; Julia Roberts has no such sexuality, but plays the coquette roles. Think of the contrast on the old Dynasty series with Linda Evans and Joan Collins, each represented a different type of seductress. Which kind of role do you see yourself as being able to play? A siren, a coquette, a charmer?

[guber88]

Okay, beec this is about that emotional fulfillment stuff you were talking about, all of that stuff seems to be what the girl i like is doing to me. She flirts with me but also doesn't show her feelings and just alot of the stuff you said.. I right now am trying to pick up any kind of sign in her voice or text on the phone or internet i dont get to see her to much, but how would a guy counter act these things? lol she is doing this stuff to me but i dont want to seem to needy and she doesnt want to give in she will not tell me whether she likes me or not but then again i have no asked her.. I have told her then.. I dunno, maybe she just isnt good at expressing herself? she isnt a shy person.. I DUNNO..

[Beec]

It's no different for a guy, do the same things to draw her in. Want to make a woman feel special, compliment something about her. Call her smart, compliment something she did well, compliment something about her looks like her eyes, tell her she has cute ears, just listen to her and ask her about her interests. Women love to talk, learn about one or two things she likes, then ask intelligent questions about those things. Your interest in her intersts will be big. Flirt with her.

 

Here is the big thing you need to do, read her body language. Do some research on body language. We can lie with our mouths much easier than we can lie with our bodies. If her body is telling you she likes you, then it is very likely she does. Body language is the most important thing you can study to get dates.

[greeneyes]

I think it's going to be kind of hard to be vague since we've pretty much established that we'd like to "do the deed."

 

I guess I can try being vague. My friend and I (the one who accompanied us to lunch) went out Friday night. She made sure to let him know that I got hit on and how much fun we had. So now he keeps asking about that.

 

So is being vague also like ignoring him? If I didn't talk to him for a few days, I'm sure he'd wonder where I was.

[Beec]

It's not being vague, but it could work. You would be working the withholding aspects of the routine. (Give some fulfillment, then withhold, etc.) When he does make contact or you arrange for it to be made, you might let him know how to get more, hint, be subtle, let him hear it through the grape vine, that's being vague. Maybe a hint that he could have "more contact" but not indicating what contact. Maybe a hint that he needs to bust a move or you are moving to other pastures. It's the hint that there may be a promise of something, without making the promise. It's the threat that you may not always be there that will make him move. At least that's what I think, I'm still doing research and my current gf and I are fighting.

[greeneyes]

You are absolutely right. I think he believes that I will always be there and be interested. I have just gotten divorced after 6 years of marriage. We were separated for the last 2. Anyways, this whole dating thing is pretty new to me. It's hard to get back out there and know how to act. I'll definitely have to give some thought to your "what type of seducer are you" question. I can work through the friend that know about this. She can let him know I have a life outside of work.

 

For some reason he and I just clicked and I can't get him out of my head.

 

Sorry to hear that you and your gf are having trouble. I know how bad that can be.

[greeneyes]

Any other ideas?

[Zgirl]

hey greeneyes ... gosh, you really are in a similar situation. thinking about planting that first kiss is so tempting and SO scary! It's not knowing how he'll react that stops you cold, right!?? If he's receptive, it'll be the sweetest thing - if he's not - it could seriously screw things up. My "boss" got so dangerously close to me the other day, gave me a 'look' but then walked away - and I swear the hairs on my neck went up! Freaked me right out, in a nice way. WHY did I hesitate when all i wanted to do was lean over and kiss him!!?? (it's all I think about!! - it's all planned in my head how it will be too!) You've been that close too, right, and wasn't sure what the hell to do!! We just aren't sure what THEY are thinking. Even talking about it is a risk, one we aren't willing to take - fear of rejection maybe. Emotional foreplay!! That's what it is. Sometimes, I wonder if it's better to keep things romantically tense, never crossing the line ... cause once you do, things will never be the same. Living on the edge can be quite a 'rush' but do we want to really jump?? It's scary and yet we all want to 'go there', just to see what it's like.

[Beec]

Zgirl, and anyone else, if you really want to know what he is thinking, read his body language. Don't know how? Learn. In our body language, we can hardly ever lie.

[Zgirl]

read his body language ... i try ... and have done some research on the web about this very subject! i guess i'm not sure if i trust what 'i think' i see. does THAT make sense?

things he does . . .

the wide eyed, raised eyebrow thing - with a smile when he sees me!

the body facing me when he sits, legs parted, toes pointed in my direction

lots of eye contact, downright gazing in my eyes

he laughs at my jokes

body contact when he needs to show me something

gets the dropsies and says "and i was trying to be so smooth" (smile)

stretches and flexes -to what? ... show off for me!?

plays with objects when we're together talking -is he nervous?

 

hmm ... am I blind? or what? is he waiting for me to make a move, do i dare?? *appreciate a male perspective

[Beec]

If I were him, I'd do nothing. Sexual harassment law suits are too prevalent. People get fired and criticized for just engaging in relationships with co-workers, even when both want it. Relationships often end too volatilely. Even if I knew the risks of something going wrong were low, I wouldn't do it because the stakes are so high.

[Zgirl]

ouch the turth does hurt, i guess but i thank you

i never even considered the things you mentioned - well maybe i did, but didn't want to think about them! guess i better take off these rosy glasses, huh? maybe it for the best if i just let things alone, do my job, enjoy his company and leave it at that thanks!

[Beec]

I'm not telling you to give up. That's my thinking, might not be his. Even if it is, you might change his mind. Also, you may just wait to change jobs, or whatever. An old job had foreign "interns", one of which I eventually did, but waited until a couple days before she left, so I knew these problems were not going to be an issue. Cost me in a loss of us not taking advantage of our attraction for a longer time, but that was my choice. Lower the risk and you might change his mind. If you can and how to do it, that's something you need to think about. You also just might change his mind if you absolutely seduce him until he doesn't care about the risks.

[greeneyes]

Okay guys. I think I have had enough of this. I just don't think it is ever going to go anywhere. Judging by the way HE acts its clear to me that he is attracted to me. Why would he keep this up for months if he has not intention of acting on it? I'm not talking about mild flirting. The other day I said I was hot and he said why don't you take your clothes off. I laughed. Then a few minutes later he called me on the phone and wanted to know what I was wearing underneath my clothes. He has got to make himself just as frustrated as I feel. I am very, very attracted to him but it seems the only real way to solve this is to just stay away from him. He's got to figure it out one way or the other then, right?

 

Some days it feels almost obsessive. I have just never been so attracted to someone.

[Beec]

If you stop flirting with him, then he is likely to come chasing after you to continue. You could use this to play him. It may force him to make a move.