Dilemma 1 1/2 month boyfriend or 10 1/2 month crush?

[clyn]

Sorry for the length.

 

So I met this guy on Feb. 21, 2008. I will call him Chris. Chris and I have a lot in common. He's extremely fun to be around. Our date was probably the best night of my life. I am a little bit shy, but he has a lot of charm and confidence, and it rubbed off on me. He started ignoring me, and then in October as he was coming back to Oklahoma from the summer in Montana, he deleted me off of his myspace friends list.

 

I figured there was no possibility of ever having a relationship with Chris after he deleted me, but I still found a way to communicate. We messaged each other back and forth on honesty box on facebook which is anonymous.

 

Well, right after the election I met another man. I will call him Ron. I like Ron a lot. We went on some dates, and he asked me out on November 23rd. We've been together ever since. We have a lot in common too. He is very good to me, but when I am lying next to him, I can't sleep because Chris is almost always on my mind. Ron and I have been getting closer and closer together despite my thoughs of being with Chris.

 

Well, to my surprise sometime around New Year's Day this year, Chris and I were talking on honesty box, and he said he was feeling depressed and wanted whoever was messaging him to call him. He figured out it was me before I called him. We talked on the phone for the first time in several months. He told me he ignored me because he was overthinking things, and he said he deleted me on myspace because he got paranoid. We re-friended each other on myspace that night, and he took the initiative to add me on facebook. Now we talk on e-mail and IMs. He told me he wanted to be in a relationship with me. He said he wanted me to leave my boyfriend to be with him. I told him to get on a dating website and we could look at our compatibility results. He answered 350 match questions. I feel very differently about Ron and Chris.

 

It is practical to be with Ron. He is financially independent, 30, is working, thinking about upgrading to a Ph.D. in electrical engineering from his masters, and we're pretty compatible long-term. There have been a few times in our relationship when my health was not that great. He offered support through those times. We haven't really had any arguments, just discussions. He has only yelled at me once and it wasn't a big deal to me. Other than that, he spoils me. I feel guilty that he has spent so much money on me and that my finances don't allow me to spend as much on him. I spent a lot of money on him for Christmas, but it's about 1/10 of what he's spent on me.

 

And then there is Chris who is in some ways the opposite of Ron. Chris is so outgoing and Ron is more introverted and prefers things to be predictable. Chris is far less serious than Ron which is good because I often have to lighten up the mood when I'm spending time with Ron. Chris is only 22. He lives with his parents and is waiting for insurance money to get another car. He's going to re-enroll in college as soon as he can. He doesn't have transportation now which is a problem because he has no means of getting to work (he has no job right now but plans on getting one as soon as his car money comes in.) He does not have a college degree yet but is going to graduate with his associates shortly. He wants to go to school and get his Ph.D. in physics or psychology. I just feel like a whole different person when I'm around Chris. I feel like I've been dead for my whole life (I'm 23), but I feel alive and comfortable around Chris. I feel like I am only living when I'm with Ron. I feel like I'm in a movie when I'm around Chris. Our connection is that amazing.

 

What I really FEEL like doing is breaking up with Ron to see if I still feel the same way around Chris. When I'm with Ron, I often don't feel like I'm truly connected with him. I like Ron though, and his feelings will get hurt if I break up with him. If it doesn't work out with Chris, I want to go back to being with Ron. I don't know what words to say to Ron to be able to be in a position where he feels like taking me back if I find out Chris and I aren't meant to be long-term.

[alli]

I misread your title & thought this was going to be a situation of if you should keep your 1 1/2 month bf or go on a 10 1/2 month cruise.

 

Chris' actions in the beginning seem quite immature. What makes you think the only reason he came around again was because he checked out your myspace profile, saw you were unavailable & decided he wanted what he can't have? How do you know he won't ignore you again once you dump Ron & he has you?

 

It seems like you like Chris better than you like Ron. I can't tell you who to choose; that is totally up to you. But I will tell you it would be totally unfair of you to hold onto Ron like a monkeybar in case Chris doesn't pan out. If you're going to break up with him, you better be honest & not expect him to hang around in the event it doesn't work out with Chris. Ron is a person, not a back-up plan.

[waltwhit]

Darlin', you cannot have you're cake and eat it to. It's not fair to Ron, or to any other human being, to keep them waiting on a line to see if it will work out with some other guy or not. I hope Ron is not pathetic enough to wait for you, but regardless, it isn't a fair request.

 

It sounds like you are in love with this Chris guy, and that it is just convenient to you to be with this Ron guy. I mean, he buys you stuff, there is some stability and security there, and you can count on him. Christ, on the other hand, is more dangerous and thus, more exciting. So, go for it. Why not? You're only 23. But make sure you keep your head on your shoulders. The kinds of feelings you have for Chris seldom are the type that will last a lifetime. But it sounds like you already know that. It's just that you find Chris a lot SEXIER than Ron, and you want to enjoy that while it's around. Who can blame you? I don't. But don't ask Ron to hang around. Tell him straight up too, what the deal is. I know it will be hard and you will be afraid of hurting him. It will hurt him. But it will hurt a lot more if you give him some excuse and he holds out hope only to find out you left him for someone else. Just tell the truth. It hurts, but it's the truth and no one can blame you for how you feel. They CAN blame you for lying and misleading someone though!

 

 

Hope this is helpful, and have fun with Chris!

[HeartGoesOn]

It sounds like Chris has charm, and has a need for you when he feels like it, while Ron has stability, and treats you with respect.

 

What is more important, and what means more to you?

 

You can't use either one as a "yo yo", and go back and forth, as real life doesn't exist like that.

 

You have to make a choice here, or it's very possible that you could end up losing both.

[clyn]

I shouldn't expect Ron to wait around for me, you're right.

 

I'd just rather not mention that there's another man I'm thinking about. I'd rather tell Ron that I haven't been in a serious relationship yet, and it's scaring me that we're becoming serious and that I want to have some time off from dating him and after a while, if I feel like I should be with him, that I will come back.

 

Ron is super attached to me probably on about the same level as I am attached to Chris. He will probably want me back if I don't hurt him too badly, and if I come back, he'll have me for good. When I'm in a relationship, I don't go looking around. It's just that I never let go of my feelings for Chris, and now that he wants me and he's not kidding around, I want what we had again.

 

They're sexy in different ways. Ron has the looks to be a model. He treats getting intimate with me like it's a science fair experiment, but he's a d*** good scientist. (We have not had sex. We have just fooled around.)

 

Chris has this cute boy look to him instead of the sexy man look Ron has. Most people would think Ron is better looking. I'm very attracted to Chris though. He smells nice, he dresses to impress. We haven't fooled around to the extent that Ron and I have, so I don't know if he's any good at the science aspect, but he's good at the art.

[alli]

Personally from what you've said I would choose Ron. He sounds better in all aspects & in general a 30 year old is looking for a more long term relationship than a 22 year old. I wouldn't expect Chris to be looking for a commitment.

 

Of course that's a generalization; my personal experience has been the opposite.

 

Ron just sounds better. And I like the name Ron better than I like the name Chris. But it's your choice.

[waltwhit]

I shouldn't expect Ron to wait around for me, you're right.

 

I'd just rather not mention that there's another man I'm thinking about. I'd rather tell Ron that I haven't been in a serious relationship yet, and it's scaring me that we're becoming serious and that I want to have some time off from dating him and after a while, if I feel like I should be with him, that I will come back.

 

Yah, but you'd rather do that because it's EASIER. Easier is seldom, if ever, better. You can tell him whatever you want, but the bottom line is, it ain't gonna be the truth. And He deserves the truth. That way he can move on. If you tell him what you want to tell him, you are hoping that he will hang around and wait for you while you play with Chris. This is, again, totally unfair, and also flat out mean. Tell him the truth. Who knows, maybe Ron will just happen to be around when you are done with Chris, but if he is, it won't be because you tricked him into it, and he will know all the history with you and Chris and you won't have to make further lies about it. JUST TELL THE TRUTH. Do it in a letter if you have to, but he deserves to know what is really going on.

[clyn]

That will make him feel like second best, and he isn't really second best. I just don't know Chris as well as Ron, and I want to explore.

[clyn]

Ron just sounds better. And I like the name Ron better than I like the name Chris. But it's your choice.

 

I changed their names. You'd like Chris' real name better.

[alli]

I changed their names. You'd like Chris' real name better.

 

Once a turned down dating a guy because his last name was another word for " behind/rear end/ * * * * etc". I won't say it here as it probably isn't a common last name, but he was looking for a long term relationship & I'm not going to have the slightest possibility of having to change my last name to something that refers to the anal area!

 

I won't pick a guy for his name but I would certainly turn him down for it!

[clyn]

Once a turned down dating a guy because his last name was another word for " behind/rear end/ * * * * etc". I won't say it here as it probably isn't a common last name, but he was looking for a long term relationship & I'm not going to have the slightest possibility of having to change my last name to something that refers to the anal area!

 

I won't pick a guy for his name but I would certainly turn him down for it!

 

Me neither. Ron's real name on urban dictionary is a slang term for a hand job. That won't make me break up with him.

 

Immediately after Chris deleted me on myspace, I called this one other guy back (and I just realized this is the exact same situation and I told him the truth. Well, maybe not exact because that guy and I only had 1 date and Ron and I have been seeing each other exclusively for over a month.) to see if he was going out with anyone. He wasn't. We met. I wasn't committed to him, and when I'm not, I play the field. I posted an ad on a personal's site, and Ron messaged me. The guy I went on a second date with after chris deleted me's last name was Booze. He has not been married before either, and is the same age as Ron. We talked on the phone after our second date. He kept giving me excuses about backing out of our scheduled dates, but we talked on the phone. He was going to call me back but never did, and Ron started liking me and paying more attention to me and when he asked me out, I felt okay about dropping Mr. Booze. Mr. Booze and I haven't spoken since mid-November.

 

Anyways, let's get back to the main topic here.