what happens when dumper isn't over the ex?

[FloatingAnchor]

Please help me understand this. My ex has not tried very hard to get over me. He admits that his feelings for me haven't changed and still keeps mementos and things. However, he refuses to re-enter a relationship due to long distance and wants to pursue other people. I'm done with trying to get him back, but I have to admit that things between us don't feel "finished." I am firmly in NC and don't plan on breaking it again (after a couple of missteps, we live and we learn), but something's gotta give, right? Am I wrong to think that he might come back? I try not to think this way, but I can't help it. How easy is it for the dumper to kill the feelings? I'm not really looking for advice on how to move on so much as wondering how someone can encompass all these conflicting motives at once.

[Lights]

Hmm, I think this case is different if the long distance is the cause for breaking up.

 

Normally, when people break up, it means they didn't like something about one another or the relationship was a mess. In this case, he probably genuinely has feelings for you but the distance really does make it hard on a lot of people. And especially being young, it's tough to tie yourself to a relationship like that.

 

I think you should let him pursue other people. It's SO common for people in their teens and 20's to do that, so that they can feel confident that they had their fun when they could, and feel confident that they are with the right person. Better to have them explore NOW than when you're 30 and married, right?

[Crazyaboutdogs]

That is someone who is in love with the fantasy but doesn't want the responsibility of the reality. He wants something easy. Long distance means that he has to be in an adult relationship which is not always about convenience. True love is when distance is annoying but not an insurmountable obstacle...when distance is considered an insurmountable obstacle then it is not true, mature love.

[FloatingAnchor]

Usually the dumper has no feelings to "kill" or they wouldn't be dumping. However, in your case, I suspect he sees no future because of the long distance thing and that is why he wants to put it behind him.

 

There is no way you guys can be together? Relocate?

 

I know you are absolutely right. We are both in school, two more years to go, and transferring is not a possibility.

[FloatingAnchor]

Hmm, I think this case is different if the long distance is the cause for breaking up.

 

Normally, when people break up, it means they didn't like something about one another or the relationship was a mess. In this case, he probably genuinely has feelings for you but the distance really does make it hard on a lot of people. And especially being young, it's tough to tie yourself to a relationship like that.

 

I think you should let him pursue other people. It's SO common for people in their teens and 20's to do that, so that they can feel confident that they had their fun when they could, and feel confident that they are with the right person. Better to have them explore NOW than when you're 30 and married, right?

 

That's exactly what I think. Better now than later, if the bond isn't strong enough. Sigh. So many good, rational reasons for why it's better this way.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

I know you are absolutely right. We are both in school, two more years to go, and transferring is not a possibility.

 

I have known couples who made it through long distance when they were going to school. Going to school is not the same as being settled in a career. When two people are settled in a career it becomes more difficult to move..but two years separation while in school is not a big deal..plans can be made to start careers in the same city once school is over. It sounds to me like he just wants the freedom to date others because he is just not invested in the relationship.

[FloatingAnchor]

I have known couples who made it through long distance when they were going to school. Going to school is not the same as being settled in a career. When two people are settled in a career it becomes more difficult to move..but two years separation while in school is not a big deal..plans can be made to start careers in the same city once school is over. It sounds to me like he just wants the freedom to date others because he is just not invested in the relationship.

 

It's a little complicated. We are both in grad school and when we graduate, we will have to go through a match program for further training in our fields. For example, we can't just say, let's settle down in San Francisco and up and move out there. We interview for positions, put down our choices, the employer puts down their choices, and a computer makes a match. There is a couples match where they will match two people as one unit, but he's not ready for that. His feeling is that if he's not 100% prepared to marry me, it doesn't make sense to do long distance, which I understand, to an extent. But you are right, the bottom line is, he's not that invested. It's just a little frustrating because we've done two years of LDR already.

 

In regards to your previous comment, I know that maturity is a big issue. In a small way, I feel like I am waiting for him to mature, even though I am keeping an open mind about other people, not to mention the possibility that he may never mature, or his feelings will have changed when he does.