how much do you think about other people, what is healthy/unhealthy and how to improve self-esteem?

[locolady]

I'm pretty crazy, check any back post for proof! But i find that I think about other people ALL the time - I am accepting I have allowed myself to get obsessed with my ex and its ruining my life. I constantly think about other people - often in a nice way - I'll think about a friend, remember something important they are doing and text them a thinking of you/good luck etc whatever is relevant, i'm good at staying in touch etc. So, this side is fine, i'm considerate and thats a good thing.

 

However, the flip side is when someone chooses to leave my life, I simply cannot cope. E.g. My ex left me for someone else 1 year ago (after 18 months together, very happy but then he met her - incidentally she is beautiful and way better than i am) I am tortured by thoughts of him and them. I cant stop thinking about him, missing him, i'm jealous of her and bitter than he never spoke to me again, i miss him so much. I feel so utterly worthless that he could erase and replace me, that im so rubbish its possible to instantly forget me, never think about me again and to hate me so much that he never once spoke to me despite knowing i was hurting so badly.

 

How can I learn to live my own life, for myself and not seek approval, self-esteem from being liked by others, from being thought of in a certain way etc. How can i stop missing him when my mind naturally wanders around memories, hopes/dreams, friends, people I pass in the street etc, i think about him all the time and its killing me.

[Balbina]

Why are you accepting that you've allowed yourself to become obsessed with your ex? It sounds like an excuse. Instead of moving on with your life, you find it a lot easier to obsess about him and put yourself down comparing yourself to a version of his girlfriend that is entirely imagined - you don't know her, or anything about her, but you have put it in your mind that she is better, prettier, whatever.

 

Move ON with your life. Once you commit to letting him go and find it in yourself to live your life for yourself, you WILL do it. Stop holding onto this weakness. It is a lot easier to be stuck in a miserable cycle and just admit to the world that you are crazy. No one will take away that craziness for you, or argue your excuses.

 

The thing is: Do you WANT to be crazy? Seriously? And don't try to convince me that you have no choice, based on some actions or previous posts. Where you are in life and what is going on in your life, is entirely up to you. Once you realize how much control you have over your life - that your FUTURE depends entirely on what you do NOW - you'll have no choice but to take responsibility for your life, suck up your feeble excuses, and DO SOMETHING.

 

I'm not trying to be harsh, but reading the first couple of sentences of your post makes it seem like you're trying to justify your own actions, make excuses for the fact that the problem is entirely in your mind because you refuse to move on, and are asking for advice that you won't take anyway because you've obviously made up your own mind already.

[locolady]

I meant accepting as in admitting thats what im doing rather than pretending that i'm not but i take your points.

 

I do want advice to work on, i find my mind wandering all over the place and wondered how much thinking about other people is normal and how i can focus my mind on the present and on my own life. I am busy and yet still he's there in my mind all the time.

[samantha20]

I know how you feel, I do the same thing. I decide that I like someone and then I can't stop thinking about them. I get attention from other people but won't give them a chance because I've set my mind on this other person. I do it all the time.. I find it hard to focus on myself and my own life because I get wrapped up in other people.

 

I also still obsess about my ex although not as much as I used to. I think maybe it is a self esteem thing.. I've been thinking about it a lot, and I think that when I really like and desire a person, they always have the qualities that I feel I lack. Thus I feel like if I can be with a person that has those qualities, it will somehow even it out and make up for what I lack and I can become a 'whole' person. Like I'm a bit shy, so I like confident people. I see myself as weak, so I look for strong people I can lean on.etc etc

 

That isn't a healthy way to think and I'm aware of that. No one else can complete you, because you will always be different people. You need to build up your own self esteem and work on your own insecurities and when you love yourself you won't crave other people to fill that void.. I hope that makes sense. Just focus on being happy with yourself.