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Feeling guilty, Shouldn't have done that


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We've known each other about a month or so and have had several outings and on New years she even invited me over to meet her family. Over the weekend we got together again and hung out for a little while. Returning to my place later that evening, we put a movie in and got distracted by our hormones, so to speak.


Beforehand, as we were fooling around on the floor, I brought up the idea of us making things official, she asked me why I wanted to be with her, so I told her so. She smiled back & told me how much she really did like me but that she was afraid of a relationship at the moment because of a heartbreaking experience and so on. She also said she wanted to continue getting to know me a bit more, first. This was cool, but she also kept telling me she "really wanted" me but didn't know about that either. I replied that "either way was fine with me and that we didn't have to do anything. We can just keep it where it is." And I meant that genuinely. But I think saying those exact words made her feel even more comfortable to let loose so she wanted to go upstairs after that. And this is where I made my mistake.


I normally don't have sex unless I am involved, but considering that I did like her I gave in and we went upstairs. I felt a little guilty about it afterwards because I felt like that was wrong of me to let the 'little head' outthink the 'big one.' I should have got my *** off of her after the "get to know you" part and sat back on the couch.


But now I need a solution to correct my wrongs (if any.) Because she wants me to come see her during the week and spend a night. But I feel like if we're getting to know each other & you don't quite yet know me as much as you'd like to, maybe we should pause on having sex for a little while. Thus, I don't need to put myself in a situation like that. Cause I want a lot more than just sex from her & I am not just looking for a sexual relationship.


I am interested and that's the only reason I gave in that night. But maybe we should subtract sex from the equation until we get some better clarity about where we stand. I am not trying to blackmail her, but I just rather have something serious in motion before I start giving up the goods on a consistent basis. Make sense? I am hoping you all can chime in & offer some insight. Bare with me because I feel I made a mistake and I am trying to correct it.



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I don't think you made a mistake because she voiced her concern about jumping into a relationship and then immediately afterward she felt comfortable enough to have sex with you anyway. It's not like you pressured her into doing it...in fact, you even told her it was ok to keep things the way they were. So she felt comfortable and safe enough with you, like you said. And if she isn't showing any signs of regret, then I wouldn't worry about it. Just go with the flow, like bmwm3 says. If it makes you feel better, maybe tell her that whenever she is uncomfortable about anything, she can let you know and you'll take a step back, no questions asked.

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Don't get to hung up on the wording. She is nervous but obviously very interested. You sound like you are being very understanding and easy going. Don't change that now!


Enjoy the process and enjoy getting to know her.


Don't allow guilt to interfere. (We get enough of that in this world) You are allowing her to dictate the pace and have been very honest with your intentions. There is nothing "wrong" with enjoying sex. There is no "correction" needed.


You can slow things down (on the sexual side) but just make sure you communicate honestly with her and things will work out.


P.S. Not sure what you even meant by "I am not trying to blackmail her,..."??? I didnt understand that point.

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I don't think you did anything wrong in any way. You didn't use her and now you will never see her again. How long do you think should you wait? She may take you backing off the physical side of things as rejection like you didn't enjoy your time with her in bed.

You souldn't do anything you are not comfortable with but don't try and follow some kind of rule here. Yes it is easy to get all into the physical side and forget about the emotions but if you spend time together other than in bed then you should be able to find a balance that works for both of you. Taking it slow has all kinds of meanings.



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P.S. Not sure what you even meant by "I am not trying to blackmail her,..."??? I didnt understand that point.


Thanks for posting.


What I meant was that I didn't want to her to think that I am using that as a way to control her, cause that's f'd up. But at the sametime I don't want to just be sexing for the hell of it and nothing comes out of it in the end.

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To me, sex without clarification is just troublesome.


You spent all this time having sex with someone who doesn't really want to commit to you fully. What does that indicate? Perhaps that's all she's looking for and not neccessarily something serious; which is exactly what I am looking for.


But you know, it's all good. I am going to try to go with the flow and give shorty a little more time to come inside of her thoughts. The fact that she introduced me to her family... most people don't do that unless they're really interested. So I'll give her a little bit of time to gather her thoughts.


Thanks for the input..

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Just keep in mind. Sexuality is a journey not a destination. Enjoy the process of committing to each other and being intimate with each other.


There are no set standard rules that apply to every/all situations.


Sounds like a relationship is growing. Nurture it and enjoy it!!

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You've got your head screwed on straight, it sounds.


My last gf wanted to have sex on our 2nd or 3rd date...she was inebriated and I took her home. She asked me all the way home if I wanted her, which made me uncomfortable...I mean, she was drunk!!! We got home and I was going to tuck her in and give her a kiss goodnight and go home. She took her clothes off. She wasn't even ready to call me her boyfriend yet, and that made me uncomfortable. I didn't indulge - it actually made me wonder about HER, because she barely knew me. A month later and she still said she wasn't ready to call me her boyfriend because of the past heartbreaks etc. Well, I wasn't looking for a sex thing, and I wanted both of us to be committed before we did anything.


Don't feel bad holding off. She'll know you're into HER and not the sex. It's tough to fight the temptations, but trust your gut and no matter what, you'll know you're doing what's best for YOU.

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