Conversations with Significant Other

[einsteins_girl]

Hi All,

 

I'm not sure if this is a problem or not, but it's kind of been lurking in my mind lately, wanting to get out. My relationship with my bf is my first relationship, so it may just be that I'm overthinking, so input would be great.

 

I'm just wondering how often you have significant or meaningful conversations with your significant other? I don't mean about the relationship but just about something that's important to you or something political or something philosophical. An actual, deep, meaningful conversation about something.

 

I feel like the vast majority of my conversations with my bf are superficial (for lack of a better word). Chit-chat kind of stuff. About how our day was or about our families or whatever. But nothing very deep or meaningful. I just feel like I want to have the occasional good, in-depth talk, but I don't know. I'm not sure if it's something worth bringing up or just something that will hopefully happen organically at some point. (We've been together off-and-on for three years.)

 

I guess I just feel like we mostly connect physically these days, and I want to connect more intellectually and emotionally...

 

Is the lack of real conversation odd? Any suggestions on how to bring it up or ideas for ways to lead the conversation to something more profound naturally?

[Balbina]

Why don't you ask him a question that provokes a deeper answer? Like does he believe it's totally possible to end global poverty in our life time? Or what he thinks is the most important thing in life - what defines happiness for him...What are his goals in life...etc.

[IndigoEye]

Three years? Ouch. You should be able, if desiring, to have that meaningful conversation. I think they're essential if you want the full spectrum of what an r'ship can offer.

 

Try pushing toward that direction. Then simply communicate and inquire about it with him.

 

In my last ldr (who I consider soul mate), we'd go six hours every night on the phone. Never difficult. Was just natural for us together.

 

If that's what you want, make it happen in this r'ship or move toward one where it's a natural thing. It's really wonderful when you have that.

[einsteins_girl]

Oh, I don't want to make it sound like we never have meaningful conversations. They just seem to be few and far between, so I was wondering if that's normal. I feel like, after three years, we're like that old married couple who just sits and watches tv together and doesn't talk much. LOL!

[IndigoEye]

So find out what HE feels about it. Might be relevant. That was funny though.

 

Are you on the same intellectual ability level a/f/a this goes? Interested in the same things? Have same points of view? Should be OK. Neither of you can fall asleep at the wheel and expect it to stay fresh and compelling. Takes constant effort. Although if you're really compatible, it's a lot easier and so worth it.

[einsteins_girl]

What's the best way to bring it up? I'm cautious because we just got back together a few months ago, and he's a little touchy sometimes when it seems like "relationship talk" is setting in. I want to bring it up in a way that doesn't seem like I'm unhappy (I'm not!) or confrontational.

[IndigoEye]

I'm sorry. I'm getting more ill by the day here. I'm not sure what you are wondering specifically. Are we talking"relationship talk" or just meaningful conversation that you want with him?

[einsteins_girl]

Just meaningful conversation, but you mentioned finding out how he feels about our lack of meaningful conversation, which veers into a "relationship talk" or could be construed as one.

 

Does that make sense? LOL! (I'm suffering from the flu myself right now.)

[Batya33]

Sometimes we go through phases where our conversations are less meaningful, like if we are both swamped but need to get a lot of things and planning done but I feel very secure that we are capable of and enjoy having meaningful conversations - which I think is the key more than evaluating how often those talks occur. My favorite way to have one is spontaneously - something else - either something we're talking about, hear about or see will trigger a meaningful talk. I hate when it's forced - which I've had in past relationships usually when I felt insecure about whether we were having enough of those talks.

[IndigoEye]

Yeah, that's better. Thinking.

 

Sorry you have the flu. That's what I fee like today. Wish it was the flu.

[einsteins_girl]

Hmm... so Batya, you're saying don't force it? Just let it be?

 

I know we are capable of having the conversations; I just wonder why we don't more often.

[IndigoEye]

Well, What's he like? What are you like? Do you synch together? Batya33's thing is what I was talking about. When you connect with someone, it just comes naturally. That's so good.

 

Mine, I referred to were never planned but it just cruised so smoothly, and in any direction. Those conversations could cover anything. That's what was so good. We were never bored with one another.

 

Do either of you get actually bored with how it goes?

 

Like I said. poke into certain topics and see how he responds. Nothing too intense. that could be going overboard. Keep it cool, go slowly with it.

[Batya33]

Hmm... so Batya, you're saying don't force it? Just let it be?

 

I know we are capable of having the conversations; I just wonder why we don't more often.

 

 

Well, I always found that forcing it resulted in a forced, awkward conversation. Um, what you might do is choose a book that you will each read and discuss or similar - could that work? Or you can share with him an experience you had or something you heard whether from a friend or in the news and see if it triggers a follow up question and a conversation. It also could be that you are going through a phase where you are both preoccupied with other things.

[JeckyllNHyde]

I haven't been in such a long relationship myself, but I find me and my SO usually have all kinds of convo's. Either about families, co workers, work, movies, shows, and whatnot. Once in a while we'll have a meaningfull convo, but I wouldn't change the frequency. Alot of times we also disagree on certain things, so deep convo's aren't always the best way to connect (just my opinion) specially b/c I'm sure you'll both usually have different points of views. At the same time it does feel really good when you can have intellectual convo's with someone.

 

I wouldn't bring it up, or even look for the right way. I think someone mentioned it already, but I would just bring up a topic on my own. Like say you're laying in bed, you can begin telling him about something which is on your mind. And ask him "what do you think?"

It's easy, plus puts no pressure on him, making him feel like something is "wrong"..

[JeckyllNHyde]

Oh also, I like Batya's idea about choosing a book to discuss very very much. My bf and his dad do that with each other and seem to enjoy it alot.

[Cardinal]

I would focus on talking a lot less and saying more. Mindless chit-chat can be a habit. Talking about your day at work is mind numbing from a relationship perspective. Unless you are out saving lives every day, lets face it, your stuff and your man's stuff probably isn't the most interesting topic. And it probably isn't terribly different from one day to the next. Same goes for talking about your family all the time.

 

When you get home from work, do something different! Plan some cool stuff. No need to even bring up the mundane. And if you are the one who often does the talking, your partner might even find it a welcome change of pace to try something different. Pursue a mutual interest. Whatever. I see your situation as a habit that needs breaking. Too much of a good thing in chitter chatter. You might be surprised what kind of conversations develop when you purposefully don't talk about the everyday stuff.

 

And most importantly, less talking can mean more doing.

[bananasRyummy]

I have the same issue with my boyfriend. He never wants to explore ideas. If he believes something, he doesn't want to question it. He doesn't believe much though, and we're both practical types. But I'm more steadfast in certain ideas about the way the world should be. I look at his behaviour and always wonder how it would play out in an extreme scenario. I've been in more extreme scenarios in life, though.

 

It does suck not feeling like we can talk about deep things. I'm critical though too, so he might feel scared to open up a bit. This is an issue now, bc I think we should go to counseling together to have a healthier relationship, and he's not likely to want to do that. We'll find out tonight.