Contact or No Contact, Tricky

[rivergirl]

Hey,

So I have a question for all you no contact junkies out there. My boyfriend and I have been broken up for 3 weeks now. We talked twice in the first week. He called (he's the one who did the breaking up). Since the first week he has not called again and I have not contacted him in anyway either.

 

Now here is my question. I know he feels bad about the break up too and I have a very strong feeling it has something to do with the death of a very close friend of his as that's when his feelings changed he says. So do I continue no contact even with the possibility that he is sitting at home feeling very bad about what happened and not wanting to call? In the past he gets very upset if I am upset and has a very hard time approaching me about it. He is in my mind definetly the type that would be too scared to try to make amends.

 

Is there any validity in this? And when do you suggest that you can make a casual call? I am worried about him right now dealing with his friend and he had to drop out of school this term because of missed classes due to the funeral... What do you guys think? How long is long enough for no contact?

Thanks!!

PS Valentine's Day sucks doesn't it!?!?!

[Brneyegirll]

He is oviously grieving. When i lost my husband i went threw the same thing, but much worse. I didnt want to talk to anyone or see anyone. It took me about 6 weeks to go back into the real world. It has to come from him.

what you can do is maybe send him some sympathy flowers or a card and let him know you are there for him when he needs you. And let him know when he is ready to talk about things..you will listen and support him. Im sure this will make him feel much better just knowing you are there for him no matter how long it takes. Losing someone you love and are close to is to me the most devastating event you will ever go threw in life.

hope this helps you to understand some...

Im sure he will come out of this. Everyones grieving time is different.

[Beec]

I think, and some may disagree, that "no contact" serves two purposes. First, it removes you from contact with the thing that is hurting you. Second, it prevents you from doing something foolish. You are not going to get someone back because you tell them your feelings for them are so strong and deep that you just cannot hold them back. Telling someone about those feelings will make the other person get away.

 

Instead of making them think about your feelings for them, you need to rekindle their feelings for you. Rekindling their feeling requires a bit of a seduction, but not necessarily seduction as we think of trying to get someone to have sex. Marketing and advertising on TV is seduction. It is trying to manipulative and coerce people into making a choice to do something (to buy an item pitched in the ad).

 

If you have no contact, you cannot be a seducer. However, no contact will prevent you from being someone who is not ready to hide their hurt and act independent. If you want to get a lover, you need to make them feel appreciated, good, emotionally fulfilled, while you remain independent, aloof and vague, NOT NEEDY or klingy. If you can act this way, at least the independent, aloof, etc. part, then you may be able tocontact him without killing whatever future chance you hvae, but only if you can do it and be confident while doing it.

 

 

There are different types of seducers and different types of seductions and different people react differently to different types of seduction. Some may fall to the siren or sex pot, such as Marilyn Monroe. Others may be vulnerable to someone who is implike or coquettish. Some women may fall for a straight forward guy who acts like he can take on the wilderness, others may want someone suave and sophisticated. The simple facts is that most of us will fall to more than style of seduction.

 

Now, he obvioulsy fell for your style before, because he is an ex. So, if you can work some of that and be independent, etc., you can contact him. Do it when you are going out or have to get off the phone in twenty minutes. Make sure there is a limit to your phone time, so you can seem independent. If you call, tell him you called because you wanted to make sure he is ok, you think he might be going through a rough time, etc.

[Athena]

I think it comes down to who is more important to you at this moment, you or him.

 

Contacting him means putting whats good for you aside so that you can do whats good for someone else. The clinical work for that is co-dependence.

 

This will not be the first or the last tragity that he experiences in his life from here on in. Is it your goal to be there for him when ever he needs it, despite the fact that he cannot be in your life the way you need him?

 

Those are questions only you can answer for yourself. Just be clear on wht it is that you are doing.

 

-A

[rivergirl]

Thanks for the advice all. I would have to say though that I really don't see contacting him to make sure he's feeling okay about his friend as co-dependency. And you know even if he isn't there for me right now he was there for me when I had to have a tumor removed from my breast this summer. Having the threat of cancer at my young age was terrifiying and he was completely there for me. So I guess I see it more as repaying the favor as his friend.

 

I'm not saying I'm going to call though. I don't think I will. I made a point to him that he should feel free to call if he wants to talk. But he is a man and talking about feelings... not his strong point.

 

Thanks for the input again!!!