She's really going too far now...

[Seymore]

So she texts me asking if it's ok that she comes on Saturday to get her cat. I said yes. She tries talking me into texting her back, saying she won't give up and she needs closure and that I'm acting like a child ending it like this. I made the mistake of replying. I told her when she showed me the door and thought I'd come back it wasn't my issue, and that was her closure. She said it wasn't closure and asked when we could talk. I was out for coffee with my dad at the time, and she called me. And called me. Within an hour and a half I had 114 calls from her (I answered none of them), with the occasional text saying she won't give up, I can't throw it all away, does she have to go to my parents, my place, my work to talk, etc. My dad even said this is nuts, and suggested he help me load the TV into his car and leave it in her lobby tonight, then text her saying that her TV was there (the TV was NOT that heavy after all, I forgot that it could be carried by one person). I suggested that we take the cat and drop it off in the lobby too. I knew that if nothing else, her sister was home to get it. So, we dropped the rest of her stuff off.

 

I sent a text saying "This is my final message. I asked you to stop contacting me, you said you would and you didn't. thereforee I am not holding your cat until Saturday. She and your TV are in your lobby waiting for you. I am blocking your number."

 

I saw afterwards that my neighbor in my complex called me, so I called her back. She said a silver car circled the parking lot twice, the person parked and lit a cigarette (my ex quit smoking 6 months ago, but who knows). I asked what the license number was, and she looked, but the car was gone. Maybe it was her, maybe not. My complex has an alternate parking lot which is a bit more of a walk, but I think I'll use that from now on. I am looking into blocking her number and changing the locks now. I was about to say I was going to look into a restraining order, but my dad said it probably won't come to that, and the blocking her call would probably be enough.

 

I also realized...her neighbor has a dog. She CAN have a cat, she just didn't want to pay the deposit.

 

Help me stay strong

[keith515]

Within an hour and a half I had 114 calls from her (I answered none of them),

Is this a typo or some form of exaggeration?!

 

Seymore, good luck to you. It's looking to me that is going off the deep end. She seems to be more emotionally troubled than I thought.

 

One good thing, if you can look at this way is I don't think you'll EVER CONSIDER going back with her because of her behavior after the break up. WOW! You dodged a bullet.

 

Good luck to you and watch you back.

[Seymore]

Thanks. No, not a typo at all. I threw my phone in my coat near my chest pocket and my chest is still vibrating from all the calling she did. I only kept it on because I was expecting a call from a friend and my brother.

[AutumnBorn]

Jesus, that kind of vibrating could seriously interrupt your natural heart rhythm! Definitely change the locks. At a minimum, keep your phone in your coat pocket.

 

Sounds like she's gone off the deep end. Be careful!

[keith515]

Thanks. No, not a typo at all.

I'm not trying to scare you but DAMN THAT'S CRAZY! 114 CALLS!

 

She has definitely gone off the deep end. OK, maybe I'm exaggerating but her behavior is worrying me.

 

It seems that she cannot accept the break up. Obviously. Not only that, but she's not stopping. Maybe she will stop eventually. Let us all hope so.

[DN]

I think your father is underestimating the problem here and strongly suggest you get ready to file a restraining order.

[Miranona]

Oh my god seymore! i dont believe anyone would really go that far, does she really think itll work?

 

people tend to show who they really are what they really feel after the break up, the qualities shes showing you arent very attractive are they?

[Seymore]

So her sister calls my parents, really nice-like and asks my dad to contact me and tell me I forgot the litterbox. D'oh...so I drop the litterbox off at her back door and text her saying it's delivered. I return home to an e-mail from the ex...it turns out she says I have a bunch of other stuff of hers, one of them being, and I quote: "The other part of my heart you ripped out and stomped on". Ouch. Then she goes on to claim that we meant nothing because I got over her in a day. If only she knew...but she made it much easier to let go. But she opens the e-mail with "Ok. We're done. I get it" and says that if I want to keep avoiding her I can arrange to have her sister get the other stuff, instead of "leaving it out in the lobby for people to steal".

 

I feel like telling her that I didn't get over her in a day, but the 114 phone calls is making it much easier, and that I'm avoiding her because I asked for time and she didn't give it to me, so this is the only way I can heal now. But I'm not going to tell her. I don't have to explain myself, nor will it help/solve anything.

[makeupgrl99]

Yes it was crazy for her to call you that many times, yes it was crazy to her driving by your place, yes its crazy of her to contact you in so many ways but you know what...the girl has been heartbroken. I know EXACTLY what shes going thru because i'm going thru that right now. I didnt call my ex 114 times, but I've thought about it, I did text my ex few times telling him how much he hurt me. What your ex is doing is pure panick, i trully feel for her. Right now shes panicking because shes realizing you two are over. If you really trully never want to see her again, then yes, keep ignoring her. But if you really care about the girl, and dont 100% want to break up then please don't judge her on these actions. I really think shes doing these things out of panick and hurt...i'd be doing the same if I didn't have friends to talk me out of it every 20 minutes. Goodluck.

[DN]

I think that if you read the previous threads from the Op you might understand that her behaviour post breakup is a continuation of pre-breakup behaviour and is what led to him finally deciding to take her at her word and exit the relationship.

[Seymore]

Oh, I know they're out of panic and hurt...I also believe that she feels out of control which she's not used to because she had so much control over me while we were together.

If I don't 100% want to break up? Sorry, gotta refer you to the original post...I forgot that part and assumed everyone who read this thread had seen my previous one:

 

[Seymore]

I think your father is underestimating the problem here and strongly suggest you get ready to file a restraining order.

 

Well, I'm still not ruling it out. Honestly, I was getting scared with all that calling. I never saw a side THIS crazy to her, so I guess I really don't know what she's capable of.

[cyberdog]

You can see on the news how people have gotten killed by their ex every now and then. Sometimes it starts with such crazy behavior as this. I would definitely get a restraining order and maybe consider arming myself. You never know, some people have this attitude of 'if I can't have you, nobody can', not trying to scare you or anything though.

[makeupgrl99]

Oh, I know they're out of panic and hurt...I also believe that she feels out of control which she's not used to because she had so much control over me while we were together.

If I don't 100% want to break up? Sorry, gotta refer you to the original post...I forgot that part and assumed everyone who read this thread had seen my previous one:

]

 

I just read the other thread you posted and your relationship sounds just like mine, except its my ex that acts that way not me. Is there a reason why she has so much anger towards you? is she like this just towards you or everyone?

Because there have been times when I would get this mad at my ex, but thats because I've had so much resentment towards him for what he did to me a while ago. I acted just like her, everytime I would remember what he did to me that, it would just make me soo upset, and when he didnt understand my behavior it would just make me more mad.

[Seymore]

I never did anything wrong to her, just to myself. I loved her dearly. She has this anger towards everyone, from me to her family to perfect strangers at the store to her cat. And it's a violent anger. She's lost friends over it, and the friends she does have tend to have minimal contact with her.

 

I remember about a month ago - she had a job working with kids and it was her favorite part of the day. She told me her supervisor told her to do something but my ex begged to differ and got upset. Her boss told her that she was acting like a child and my ex quit got mad and quit right away. Now, the way my ex told the story it made her seem like the victim and I felt bad for her. I look at her behavior now and truly believe her boss was onto something. I also look back at stories I remember where the basis was "poor me" and I see that the incidents in question were most likely all her fault.

 

She had told me her last ex whom she was engaged to was an alcoholic. This I believe, as I heard it from one of this guy's closest friends. But she also told me that he shoved her into a wall, dislocating her shoulder and told her he never wanted to see her again. That part I wonder if she brought on herself. Not that anyone deserves it, but I wonder if she pushed him to do that.

 

She e-mailed me saying it was the final time. She said she is crazy about me and that her emotions ran wild and that's why she said hurtful things yesterday and tried calling me so much. Anyway, it was nothing but good things and placing the blame on herself. She said she isn't going to contact me at least for a few weeks. Until then she is going to work on bettering herself, getting help and focusing on school. She said that she will still wait for me, and will work on herself so that she can give me the love I deserve - no anger, no attitude, just pure love.

 

Now maybe I can focus on me. I'm going to pack up the rest of her things and leave them in her lobby in a couple of days while she's home this time, so I don't get accused of leaving it for people to steal.

 

As for arming myself...I hate guns. If need be, I can borrow one of my friend's.

[tsarevnaelena]

That part I wonder if she brought on herself. Not that anyone deserves it, but I wonder if she pushed him to do that.

 

Uh-uh. No. Do not go there. Do NOT go there. You're better than that, Seymore. Don't be that * * * * * * * who gets hurt by a girl and then tries to justify some * * * * * putting his hands on her. Unless she had a gun to him or was threatening him with deadly force, no matter who nutzoid she's acting now, she did NOT push him to that. A man who would shove a woman hard enough to dislocate her shoulder is plain scum, point-blank, period.

 

Now. With that said. You're in a tough spot. I grew up in an abusive household so I know a bit about restraining orders. It's unlikely that as things stand now, you'd be granted one. She's not threatened you - she's annoying you. The cops will suggest you change your number/change your locks. If she escalates (following you, making overt threats to your safety), then yes, you might get one. But it's mistaken to think that restraining orders are given out because someone makes a nuisance of themselves, which is what she's doing AT THIS POINT IN TIME. The thing is, that with her anger issues and the way she is escalating, who knows how long she'll be content with just calling you 114 times and possibly driving by your building?

 

I've been in her shoes in one respect - I was shattered when my ex ended things with me and the pain pushed me to the point where I groveled, I begged, I pleaded. But there comes a point with every rational person where the humiliation that you're inflicting on yourself becomes too much to bear and it stops. That kicked in for me when I showed up at his apartment unannounced and told him that this was my last ditch effort to show him we were meant to be. He just stared at me and said he'd take me home. When I asked him if I could come in for a minute, he said no, and when I asked why not, he said "Because I don't want you to." For me, that was my "Damn, I'm humiliating myself" moment. I let it alone then.

 

Your ex has not reached that saturation point - she's too mired in her own pain to understand that it truly is over, and as long as she keeps running herself ragged trying to "get through" to you, she's not going to hear what you are saying. So you're in a tricky spot - even if you give her what she wants, a face-to-face meeting, she's not going to be "hearing" you - she's going to be trying to convince you why it's not over and she might get screechy when you reassert that it IS over. My suggestion is that you ignore her completely, which it sounds like you're primed to do. Change your number, change your e-mail. Make it clear to her that you are shutting off the communication. If she contacts your parents again, I'd suggest they say to her that they have no wish to talk to her. By your mom not responding, your ex can delude herself into thinking that your mom welcomes that type of communication and/or didn't get the email in the first place.

 

I wish you luck - this is hard stuff. Though, I really don't like that you left a defenseless cat on its own because you were pissed at its owner. Anything could have happened to that kitty cat in the lobby. That wasn't cool, IMO.

[Seymore]

That's why I said I wonder. I didn't say she pushed him to do it, just I wonder, just the same as how you said "if she had a gun to him or threatened deadly force" - it's an if. speculation is all. I also said nobody deserves that. I wasn't justifying it, but as crazy as she gets I wonder if the combination of him being an alcoholic and her lost-in-denial craziness sent him over the edge. Abuse is NEVER right. It was just speculation.

 

And as for the cat, I saw a light on in her place and knew that at least her sister was home and that the cat would be retrieved within 2 minutes. I had the text written and sent it soon as I got in the car. Plus I knew that there are 3 other tenants in that particular building, all old and asleep at the time (it was about 9:30pm). I wouldn't put the cat in harm's way. I did feel bad having to do it like that, but I felt I had to rush to get her stuff out and change the locks because all the calling was beginning to freak me out.

 

I wish she could know that it's not as easy for me as she supposes. I can't sleep, and I barely eat. I've lost almost 10 pounds in the last week. But this has to happen and I have to stay strong.

[Lauren.xo]

I *think* and correct me if i'm wrong, but these tactics worked for her in the past didn't they? I don't believe she is "crazy", just desperate to have you back. If it worked for her in the past, all the more for her to try harder.

 

It is a cycle like you have said once. You are breaking it- and CONGRATS -I wish I had that strength. We all deserve to be in happy, loving relationships *everyone*. We just need to find the right person. Going through heartache is probably the toughest thing to go through, but once you come out i'm sure you will realize it bettered you as a person and your confidence and selfworth will be in place.

 

You are right about saying that any contact you make with her will lead her on. Nice or mean, point blank is that it will lead her on. Keep solid NC, and just feel for her. Soon enough (it will take *alot* of time, professional help even) she will see that she is talking to a wall. She will see how unhappy she truly is.

 

Stay strong, don't react, don't think of her as crazy but only as a girl with a broken heart. I don't think this broken heart was due to only you, I do not know her, but I feel she is an unhappy girl and may have been living with a broken heart for awhile.

 

One of the most important things to remember is - you cant love anyone unless you love yourself. It may feel as though you are "happy" with someone, but it is an emotion.. and once they are gone, you will feel you have nothing left. Strong people let their partners go, they don't plead, dont beg. They let go. Just like the cliche saying, if you love something let it go, if it comes back.. thats how you know.. if it doesn't.. it was never meant to be. I mean truly why do we panic? For me it was fear my boyfriend would replace me, or sleep with another girl. That isn't real love. A relationship is not needy, clingy.. but two people independent and strong in their own separate lives.

 

L

[Seymore]

Thanks, Lauren. That saying - "If you love someone, let them go"...that was part of the inspiration for my leaving her. And in previous relationships I couldn't do that, because like you said - I was thinking of them replacing me somehow, sleeping with other men, what have you. But with her...I want her to get better. I want her to be happy. That's it. If she succeeds in treatment, meets another man and gets married and has kids - she lived her dream. That's my dream for her.

 

This is going to sound "out there", but when we were together we went to see a psychic in a little voodoo shop in New Orleans. He said there were three great loves in my lifetime. One was in the past, one in the present, one in the future. I was a little upset. But something he said back then when he saw me upset just came to me: "Sometimes people cross paths in life for nothing more than to see where their lives went wrong or need work". The first part might've been just him doing his routine, but that quote makes so much more sense now.

 

I know she's heartbroken. And I'd love to reach out to her in this time of her suffering. But I can't. I guess the thought of her being crazy was because I'd never known someone to call so many times and get so angry and nasty with me. I immediately started playing "Play Misty For Me" in my head.

[Seymore]

She just sent me a cookie bouquet at work with a note saying "Please forgive me" and a bible reference. What do I do? Do I thank her and leave it at that? Do I not say anything at all?

 

She did this same exact thing (and I mean down to the message and exact same bible passage), except it was flowers, last year after she totally lost it on me the first time. I remember I was up at 5am on a work day helping her move her sisters stuff onto a moving truck. She couldn’t bungee the mattresses together, so she threw everything down and went and sat on the other end of the truck. After a lot of work, I managed to finally bungee them together and I asked if that was the way it was supposed to be done and she screamed “SO YOU’RE F’ING BETTER THAN ME!!! SO WHAT?!!”. I quit speaking to her the rest of the morning. Later she sent that same message with flowers to my work.

[Lauren.xo]

NC. Do not reply unless you want her back... False hope remember. Stop it all!

[Seymore]

You're right. It's the softie in me talking. I'm just so used to thanking people for things.

[keith515]

If it was me, I'd probably would reply for two reasons: 1) maybe it would get her to stop because it would be a form of closure and 2) I'd feel sorry for her and wanted want her to expect a reply and not get it.

 

However, there would be a part of me that would think if roles were reversed, she wouldn't reply. Also, I would feel that I replied it would keep the "game" going and this wouldn't really be the end.

 

What does she hope to get out of it? Does she really believe that this is the end and she really wants forgiveness? The fact that she used the same message and Bible passage makes me question the sincerity of the message. Is she really feeling deep sorry about how she treated you? Or is this, again, some way of her just trying to get you back and she goes back to her old ways eventually?

 

I overanalyze, I know.

 

But since you two have broken up, what is she asking forgiveness for? She seems to be just trying different tactics hoping one of them will work. But is that what she really wants?

 

While I believe, NC is vital and important, sometimes it's good to just have one last conversation and let her know where exactly you stand and show her how strong your convictions are with regards to the situation. Just my thoughts. Remember, there is no one best solution. We are all different.

[Seymore]

I understand. I'm still not going to reply. Like you said, it would open up the "game" again. I think she really wants forgiveness, but if I gave it to her, she'd take it as I want her back. I told her it's over. I don't want to give mixed signals.

[Lauren.xo]

Good work! I truly believe in all your posts you have told her its over. There is no more closure then that. All other talk will only be a means for her to hope to get back together. I mean I have been in the situation.. You want closure.. But then when the person says they are 100% done, some people will just beg or plead again.. It keeps the hurt cycle going. Keep us updated!