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still loves me, afraid to reconcile


FloatingAnchor

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My ex and I have started talking again and I'd like to know what I can do for a reconciliation. Here is some background. We were together for 4 years, half of which was LDR. He broke up with me in April because he was getting frustrated with the distance and he had met someone. We kept LC until September. After that, we went NC for a month. He called in November and talked about getting back together but then took it back a few days later. Things had not worked out with the girl he had been seeing, but distance was and remains the only problem. He said he wasn't yet completely confident that he could go through distance again and would "try again" in a few months. About a month after that conversation, I called him basically to see what was up because I felt like I was waiting for him, even as I told myself not to. And here we are. He's still confused and scared of the distance, though he's more accepting of the fact that he never got over me and the feelings haven't diminished.

 

My question is, how do I approach our interactions? The distance itself is not going to resolve anytime soon, so the deciding factor is his ability to deal with it. I've seen on these boards that outright mention of an official reconciliation tends to scare people off. So one possibility is for us to keep talking and see where it leads. I'm hesitant to do this because I've asked for him back many times in the past and he rejected me each time. If I go with the flow without a clear idea of where things are headed, I'd be making myself vulnerable again. I know that the feelings won't go away, for either of us, so in that sense, it'll be hard for us to get over the other. At the same time, I'm wary of any interactions with him if he's not fully on board, but I can't get rid of his fear for him, can I?

 

Lastly, Merry Christmas everyone!

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If the distance is the problem, and is what broke you up, and that distance is still and will continue to be a problem, then what do you have to gain by re-entering a relationship at this time? You're bound to have the same problem yet again.

 

LDR is tough. Too tough for most people. If you want to make a relationship work, more specifically this relationship, then something has to give. Either one of you is going to have to make a move, or you're just going to have to accept the fact that the relationship has ended due to 'irreconcilable differences'.

 

You've already said he's having trouble dealing with the distance, and he continues to do so. You should stop investing youself in this because unless one of you moves nothing is going to change.

 

Just my opinion.

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I would go NC for a while and let him miss you. It also gives you the time to let go of trying to figure everything out--you'll be able to relax and just focus on putting your own life in order. Explore life 'as if' reconciliation isn't an option.

 

If the guy misses you enough to want to work out your problems--especially the distance, then he knows where to find you. He needs to come to that realization on his own; you can't 'help' him get there.

 

In your corner.

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