Wonderful man, but still hurting inside

[lizzydarcy]

Hi all,

 

My BF and I have been together for 4.5 years - most extrordinarily happy - and until last night not a complaint in the world. Before we bought our house, we agreed we wanted to get married and have a family at some point, but not in the near future.

 

Last year, we had our first major fight, and decided to stay together and work through it - which took a lot of time and effort, but worked marvelously. When we decided to stick it out, I confirmed that I wanted a marriage and family, and he said that was what he wanted too, and that he had been thinking about it a lot, but since we'd been in a rough spot, decided that was a bad time (I agreed)

 

Last summer we visited his hometown, and when someone asked about it, he said yes we hoped to have a couple of kids, that was what life was about.

 

Here we are 11 months later. I had bad news last night, and asked if we could talk about getting married this year. (By the way, I am 31, he is 30). He said he hadn't really thought about it - and it wasn't that he never wanted to, but right not he didn't plan on it. Now, if I hadn't asked the question, today I'd be as happy as ever - but now I'm heartbroken.

 

When I repeated his words back to him, I mistakenly said it sounded like he never wanted to - and he said that wasn't what he'd said. He said *I* think about it all the time, but he doesn't, and this was springing it on him.

 

Am I crazy to be staying? I mean, I don't plan on having a family until I'm 33-35 anyways, so that's not an issue... How would you read into this? Is he just taking time? I honestly couldn't ask for a more wonderful, loving partner - he's the most amazing person. Am I setting myself up for disappointment for holding on and waiting to see what happens? I told him if he decided that a family was suddenly not what he wanted, I'd need to know that - at which point I think I'd have a terrible decision to make.

 

Thanks for any opinions at all.... sorry it's so long *sob*

[AzurePhoenix]

I am not sure that you have a real problem here other than perhaps a communication and expectation munge.

 

Are you setting yourself up for disappointment? Well maybe. My advice would be to sit down with him and re-visit your earlier conversation about family and kids. The objective of which is to mutually agree upon your respective dreams and future plans and to mutually agree upon a date range to get married. (Living with someone for 7 years in some states constitues a "common law" marriage). It does not have to be an exact date unless that is what you need, but you two should express and agree upon your expectations.

 

You have a need. That need is to feel secure about your future with him and that your desire to have a family is realized. Express this need to him. Observe his reaction to this. If he discounts your need then look for patterns of a hidden agenda. If he is interested in you and your future together, then he will work with you to meet your needs. You must also uncover and understand what his needs are in this matter.

 

Hopefully this is of some help...

 

AzurePhoenix

[lizzydarcy]

Thank you both for your replies - that helped a lot. I thought the same thing, it's a guy thing - I mean, we always had it in the plan somewhere, I guess I'm just a little more ready than he is. I told him outright that if it's NOT in his plans, that I need to know, and that if it's just a matter of timing, I'm ok with waiting. Heck, this is the same man that took 1 year to say "I love you" - and then he said "well, I have for a long time, you knew that right?" LOL thanks honey

 

I honestly can't tell you how happy this man makes me 99% of the time (let's face it, he's still a man ). I just worry sometimes I'm too emotional, and maybe don't see everything in the most clear cut manner. I appreciate your opinions.

 

*trying to not worry*

LizzyDarcy