dealing with my weaknesses

[gracerules2008]

I have taken a hard look at myself lately and it's unbelievable how many weaknesses I have. I'll list them in no order of importance.

 

I'm self righteous & judgmental. I lie habitually. I've been doing that since I was a kid. I have a sexual addiction. I'm slothful/lazy. I commit gluttony by eating too much ice cream and other things. I have a 38 inch waistline.

 

I get impatient and angry easily. All I've listed are the common sins I commit on a daily basis. So because I don't want to stop sinning and I don't want to better myself I have to find a way to feel better about sinning.

 

I have recently gone back to inflicting physical pain on myself in order to feel better about sinning. For 10 minutes a day once a week I have been cutting myself as a way to "atone" for my weaknesses and sins.

 

In the future I may step it up to 3 times a week. I don't know. I'm just doing whatever is necessary to clear my conscience.

 

Last night I inflicted pain on myself for giving into temptation to my girlfriend's offer a few days ago to have phone sex. We've been having a lot of sex over the phone but I recently put a stop to it. I told her no. Not anymore.

 

Now I know myself so well and it's only going to be a matter of time before I backslide and give into temptation. It's much easier to go this route of cutting my stomach with a steak knife in order to feel better about myself than it is to actually stop sinning.

 

I perfectly understand that cutting myself does not impress God. It does not make me more pleasing or righteous in His eyes than someone who does not. God finds no fault in anybody. He forgave everyone before time even began.

 

But for me the cutting is profitable for feeling better about myself. It's not about trying to gain brownie points with God. I'm not working for what God already gave me.

 

Now I don't think cutting is profitable for anyone else because it's just not necessary for you to hurt yourself. You can walk around with a clear conscience without doing that. God does not condemn people for being themselves.

 

God is love and His love is everlasting. I don't want to talk to anyone about what other people may think is wrong with them. I want to talk to everyone about what's right with them. All people are saints and perfect before God including Hitler.

[gracerules2008]

I actually feel much better after last night's cutting episode. I haven't been cutting in 4 years because my ex girlfriend that I dated for 4 years would not approve of it.

 

But it actually feels nice to get back into self mutilation exercises. I feel sore all over my stomach and it's a wonderful feeling. I like watching myself bleed. I did it in bed last night.

 

I've decided that whatever I have to do to feel better about myself even it's temporary I'm going to do it. The only exception is that I won't do anything illegal nor will I do anything that will inconvenience the lives of others.

 

I could actually see myself getting back into the swing of self mutilation rituals once a week. Effective immediately I will shed my blood once a week for the sins I've committed during that week.

 

Did you know that in the phillipians the people there celebrate easter by carrying literal crosses on their backs? I thought about this a lot at work today.

 

That's something I'm considering doing on the day after christmas. I can find a wooden cross or make a crucifix out of wood. I'll try carrying it on my back or nailing myself to it as a celebration of the crucification of our Lord & Savior Jesus Christ. I ought to do this once a year along with partaking the Lord's supper.

[gracerules2008]

It's settled. I'm going into the woods the day after christmas to make a crucifix out of wood.

[gracerules2008]

I think I have my mind made up. Now that I'm single once again I have even less inclination to improve myself. So what is my decision? How will I deal with my weaknesses? I'm going to do nothing.

 

It feels great to go back to my self mutilation practice. My appointment for Friday is still on schedule. I'm going into the woods during the day Friday to make a wooden cross out of a few branches.

 

All the stuff that I want to do with my life is NOT worth giving up just so I can be in a relationship. There's more reasons for me to wait until I'm 70 years old to settle down and get married.

[gracerules2008]

All I want to do is go to heaven. What do I want for christmas? to go to heaven. I hate this existence. I didn't ask to be born! Screw this world!

[gracerules2008]

Marriage is more of a need for elderly people. I can't stress that enough. When I'm 28 years old I don't need to get married. I need to get married when I'm 70 years old. By then I will have retired from the workforce.

 

By then marriage will be a necessity for me since I probably won't have any family or friends left and I'll be sitting on my death bed. I need someone to hold my hand as I make my transition from this world to the next.

[gracerules2008]

I'm not so sure I can be friends with my most recent ex. We broke up early on Sunday. I'd like to be friends with her later but not now.

 

I need time apart from her to get over her. If we resume a friendship now then I'll never be able to get over her.

 

I don't believe I can be friends with someone that I have feelings for. It's a very awkward situation. She still wants to be friends but I can't do that until after I've gotten over her.

 

I need to be honest with myself. I can't be friends with someone when I secretly see them as more than just a friend. I'll never be able to be a true friend to her as long as I see her as more than that. I'll have deceitful intentions for keeping the friendship.

[gracerules2008]

Well we got back together just shortly after christmas. Last night I asked her to reduce our time talking on the phone. Now I'm not so sure that was a smart move.

 

She hasn't called me at all tonight and I'm worried that she's lost interest level by now. I'm going to wait and see if she calls me again. I'll call her in the morning if I don't hear from her tonight.

 

I'm 28 years old and I'm not as good looking as I used to be at age 18. I'll look even more unattractive at 38.

 

I already have a receding hairline. I noticed it the other day. I'm not too concerned about that. I'm not about to panic and lose sleep over losing my hair.