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I really need some advise help.


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I really need some advise

This is about a twice-widowed woman that is single with two children (J) (I am single also with no kids) I have been working with this women for the past 4 years. I was attracted to her from the first we meet, but I always maintained a professional relationship with her and only did casual flirting.


One day on my lunch break I noticed her waiting for a bus ride and I decided to see if I could interest her in a ride to the train that she takes home every day. She agreed and I was able to give her rides several times. Then one day she avoided me, but I bump into her at her bus stop and she got in my car and we talked about how some people at our work were starting to talk to her about our relationship, this was uncomfortable for her so she decided that she would no longer like for me to give her any rides, I agreed.


Several month later a friend of (J’s) at work, came up to me ask me why I don’t ask J out, I said I didn’t think she was interested in me in that way and that was why, at the same time our company is have problems so some of us at work had exchanged personal info so we could stay in touch if we got laid off. So I had J’s e-mail and decided to ask her out.


Her first response was apologetic but no, with lots of excuses about her life, I replied with understanding. Then she changed her mind with the understanding that we could become special friends. To be honest I am looking for a more commitment that just friends.


Now the problem begins: J just started working anther job and with her kids she has no time for a relationship or friends. I was not being considerate of this and have been putting lots of pressure on her for us to go out. This has understandably given her lots of added stress and has upset her to the point that she does not want to talk to me on a personal basis. But I had sent an e-mail explaining how I know how she is working so hard and that I would like to meet with her on one of her breaks at work for lunch or dinner. She replied that possibly on the thanksgiving holiday she may have time and we could do this, she would keep me posted. Well I pushed for a date for this by asking if she felt she could squeeze me in on a date, and she replied that we were not going on a date this is just dinner or lunch with a friend. I replied by saying I was only asking what date (day), but I was playing a game with words. Any way she never replied back.


A few days later I was messing around on My-space and puff her page came up, I put in my e-mail address to look for friends when this happened. And her page talked about her and how she was looking for someone to date. I was a little upset by this and I e-mail her a copy of her page. Her reply was that she didn’t know about this and that her daughter must have created this. My reply was that I didn’t think so and she replied “too bad if you don’t believe,” I replied, “OK how would you feel if you saw that?”


The next day I sent an e-mail apologizing for this whole mess and explained that I was sorry for my misunderstandings and pushing on her so hard for us to get together and for giving her stress and that it will all stop now.


At work I approached her and said all my non-sense will stop and that I have deleted her address from my e-mail and deleted her cell number, she thanked me.


Someone told me to be careful because if she was really mad she could claim I was harassing her at work and I could get fired.


Now I just stick to work business only with our conversations and our e-mails. The other day I complemented her on a project we were working on and copied our supervisor and he then complemented her good work.

I am trying to be nice, she replied back to me with “your very welcome but you have to thank me every time because it is my job. I think she meant to say you don’t have to thank me every time. I mad no reply.


Now I sense she is upset with me and I don’t now how why and how I should act. I really like this women I know that is for sure.


Is this relationship over before it even got started ?

I know I did some things wronge, can this be fixed and how?

I havent really had any relationships before.



Thanks for looking

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You said you started a new job...so she also changed jobs to the same place?? At any rate I think you need to back away completely. You are coming on too strong and your professional email had an ulterior motive and she knew it. I would steer clear of her at work and only deal with her if absolutely necessary. You don't want her to start complaining to the superiors about you.

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Welcome to ENA.


I'm sorry to sound harsh, but this isn't a relationship. She's not interested in dating you, period, end of story. She does not owe you an explanation. She can post whatever she likes on her MySpace page without having to justify it to you.


You are a co-worker, and she has asked that you remain as such. Please stop asking her out, and please stop sending her emails with ulterior motives, even if you can justify it to yourself as being 'kind' or 'helpful' or 'good for her career'.


If somebody did to me what you are doing to her, I would feel annoyed and scared. Just stop. Look for your relationships outside of your job.


You say you haven't dated before. If a woman likes you, she will let you know--she will be excited to see you, she will occasionally invite you out, and she will welcome your advances. This is not one of those situations, so you need to be a gentleman and accept the reality of the situation, and move on. Yes, it is disappointing, and I don't mean to belittle your frustration, but sometimes we cannot make people behave as we would like them to, and we have to accept that.

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I hate to say this, but I hope it will be helpful to you ... if I viewed somebody as a colleague and little more (which seems to be the way she views you), I would find your behaviour threatening and intimidating. It sounds as though she's trying to be nice to you, but the way you've acted towards her in the past is little short of stalking.


It is very, very unlikely that she'd want anything to do with you, other than professionally, in the future. But you can use this as a learning experience.


As a general rule, don't pressure somebody into dating you. If they say 'no' (in however roundabout a way), don't push it - move on to someone who's more receptive. Don't push for meet-up dates - if someone's interested they'll be back to you with no prompting on your part. You sound as though you really want to do right by the person you're attracted to - and somebody will no doubt appreciate you for it in time - just don't come on too strong with somebody who's got enough on their plate as it is.


Sorry to sound harsh, and I really wish you all the best in the future.

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I just felt I was getting mixed siginals because when I first penned her, I told her that if she felt that I was not a good fit for her I understand. Then she replied back saying that she never felt I was not a good fit for her, but that she was not pure and a bad luck charm, as two husbands already died on her. And she didnit want to bring me into her problems.

And that when she told other guys no she felt nothing, but for some reason when she told me no she could not sleep that night, so she changed her mind and desided we could be special friends.



but I know I can't change her mind, so I must move on.

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