Sister thought I'm gay because I'm single, doomed

[Jeffrey19]

Hello everyone,

I've got some issues. Last week my sister came over from the eastern states, I haven't seen her in 3 years. So we get talking about relationships and when I told her I'm 19 and never had a girlfriend, in all serious she asked me, "Jeff, are you gay?"

 

Damn, that left me shocked. She apologized after she saw my shock. Made me think though, if a family member thinks I'm gay, how many other people think I'm gay? People tend to think that you must be a real weirdo or homosexual if you're 19 and haven't been on a single date yet. I must say, I'm starting to feel like a bit of an outcast these days.

 

What worries me is that I have no experience, so lets say I'm lucky enough to land a date in 10yrs time, what woman would want a relationship with a grown man who is still a baby to the whole dating scene? I would be completely inexperienced and have no idea what I'm doing, because it's something I should have learnt in highschool, mingling with the opposite sex.

 

I read somewhere(can't remember where) a psychiatrist saying that as human beings, we need relationships. Without relationships we don't grow as people. Sounds fairly true to me.

 

People say your young, you still have time. True, I am only 19, but I don't see things changing in the future. I'm not completely oblivious to the signs when someone is attracted to you. I'm fairly good with reading body language. People say if you don't ask you won't get. It's not that I'm too afraid of rejection, but girls will show some sign of interest if they're attracted to you. I don't get any signs from girls, I have nothing to work with.

 

"You're probably just too shy.." Bull. I talk and talk with co-workers and what not. I have no problems talking. I try talking to girls, they keep their voices quite, monotone and their eyes averted from mine and they don't smile. They try to keep the conversation as short as possible too.

 

Sorry for the length of this post, everything just seems to have snowballed me these last few days. It also doesn't help me that it's valentines day next week too. That coupled with family thinking I'm homosexual just depresses me. I know I'm doomed to inevitable isolation for my life. I just couldn't stand this pressure caving down on my chest, had to let it out of me. Thanks for listening.

[PaulHennessy]

...if you're 19 and haven't been on a single date yet

i was 23 before i had sex; which coincidentally was the last time i had sex. And that was 7 years ago.

 

So don't worry about it so much until you are at least 23

[Mar]

Jeffrey, first of all, stop worrying so much. Your sister should have had a LOT more tact than to say what she did, since there's absolutely nothing weird about being 19 and not having a date. And I'm not talking out my "whoopsy-daisy"; I didn't have my first real date till my mid-20's! Was I a loser? No, definitely not. I just didn't find anyone that clicked with me, and yeah, I hated it, but so what? I knew it'd happen eventually.

 

Don't think that, just because your sister said such an unthinking thing, that that's what EVERYONE will be thinking. Not true at all. After all, who's going to know you haven't dated? You're not wearing a sign announcing it, I'm quite sure!

 

Relax. Don't force conversations with girls, just be friendly and stick to chitchat. If you have any female friends you can ask for advice, ask them what they'd suggest on improvements, possibly to your clothes, hairstyle, etc. (And I'm not criticizing, since I have no clue what you look like, I'm just throwing generalizations out there.) But above all, don't put so much pressure on yourself worrying about the future. There's no real trick to dating, just BE YOURSELF. Works every time; it just takes a little longer than usual sometimes. 19 isn't odd at all not to have dated, take it from someone who knows! But, while I HATED not dating in my teens, and was depressed as hell about it, it was worth the wait in the end. And that's basically what I'd asked for. "If I can't find someone worth my time, then don't put anyone in my path who I won't be happy with."

 

Good luck, and keep your chin up. There's someone great out there for you, you just haven't crossed paths yet!

 

Mar

[SecretsGirl]

Hi there,

I'm a 18 year old girl, i read your post & i wanted to try and say something to change how you feel about this...

For a start being in a relationship can cause a lot of worry & problems at times..it's not always the perfect picture it may seem! From your post you seem to b a very nice person & there's no reason why other people will not see this...you say when you talk to some girls they kept their eyes averted from looking directly at you...this could actually be because they DO like you and are too shy to look straight at you!

Don't worry about what you're sister said...it was a very untactful was to go about it & i see no reason why anyone else should think the same.

Also, i don't think you should worry about when you do meet a girl...it won't be a test, you won't be expected to act in a cetain way. Everyon'e differnt when they start dating someone...that's what makes it exciting. She'll like you for you are.

I know it's hard when there seem to be couples everywhere but there are just as many people who are single & in the same situation as you! Don't worry about the future and like Mar said, don't put so much pressure on yourself...it's really not unusual to not have been dating by 19. I know quite a few guys and girls in the same situation.

Keep smiling!

xx

[revdeluka]

19, your still fresh and young and havent got a thing to worry about. well i havent had a date and i am 21. so dont worry your little head about it. there are lots of straigth men in the mid twenties and above who are single and have never dated before and believe me they are normal and cool guys too. as for me i have discovered that sometimes your inner man doesnt want to be bothered. i have looked at a lot of couples and the one common thing they have is that they all wanted, i mean sincerely, a date. and i am quite sure you have friends like yourself who dont have any dates. and sometimes the best dates are those that sneak up on you, just be yourself and take your time. quantity isnt what matters, its quality.

[Jeffrey19]

Thanks for trying to lighten up my mood guys, I appreciate the time you took to try and help me.

Relax. Don't force conversations with girls, just be friendly and stick to chitchat

Yeah I don't try to "force" it. I do just have general chit chat about trivial things, but I can see that they would rather be somewhere else.

If you have any female friends

I don't unfortunately. I have never had a single female(other then my mother) who I could call a friend. It's not really about being intimate with women, more or less that I don't, and never had, just a friendship with a girl. I hear a lot of guys saying that all girls just want me as "friends" and nothing more. I would be happy if I could get some female friends. I think the basis of a good relationship grows from friendship.

i am quite sure you have friends like yourself who dont have any dates

No, all my friends have had a girlfriend.

you say when you talk to some girls they kept their eyes averted from looking directly at you, this could actually be because they DO like you and are too shy to look straight at you!

No this isn't the case. I have a 6th sense for these sort of things and I'm fairly good at reading body language. With the other signs they show(won't go into details) they're basically telepathically telling me "Stop talking too me, I'm not interested in you!"

Anyhow thanks for trying folks. It was worth a shot.

[Manapart]

Hey Jeffrey19: try not to let what your sister said get you down. If you're not gay, then you're not gay. I'm 21 and have never had a girlfriend, and I sometimes I worry in the back of my mind that I might not be projecting any masculinity, but I know I'm not gay, and that's that. It doesn't matter what people think. It doesn't even matter what you think they think. If you keep talking to girls, chances are you'll hit it off with one eventually. Just keep your head up.