Separated - woth a dilemma - help!

[Chiron]

Morrigan, your words and insight are amazing! Thank you so much for sharing your clear knowledge with us.

 

My story goes like this:

 

I was recently separated from my husband of 17 years, working in an office and doing very well for myself. Nobody there knew of my personal life and assumed I was married. Many hit on me, I ignored their advances. One fellow was very persuasive and after several months, and a month where he wasn't at the office and I really missed him, we finally began dating... he is married and I knew it - and figured he is clearly on his way to his own separation from his wife and he and I will just have fun in the meantime. Someone to hang out with and talk with. Then BLAM! Wow, he was something else. And so was I, apparently. I will add here that he has had affairs in the past and I knew it, too, but I believed "I would be different"!

 

As it went, after several months of our carrying-on, I was ousted to a different office away from him. I was going through a difficult time with my x-husband and I see now, vulnerable. But oh how I loved him! And as you will see, still do. We shared everything, the same interests, desires, thoughts, etc. Our bond was one I have never experienced anything even close to before. Months into 'us', I began realizing he was duping me but I didn't care, I was loving being with him. Near our one year anniversary, I really began taking the bit in my teeth and looking for where his loyalties were - because he was never there for me physically when I needed serious help or a shoulder. I called his house one fateful evening, which in itself wasn't anything since I called him there often... but this time his 21 or 23yo daughter answered and woah did she ever have some explicatives for me! I should add that this is a 'good Christian home' so the view of her I had previously was not what I was hearing now! She informed me that 'he is out with his WIFE... leave our family alone..." etc. She made me realize the lies I had believed. I called my bf right away and of course his phone wasn't on. I tried for some time and nothing. I left messages, etc. and ended with how I trusted him, and am so hurt at all the lies he told me... and disgusted and disappointed that he would tell such lies as he has to his family! He called me back a couple of hours later, sounding as if the wind had been knocked out of him, saying 'we're through, the family is here and they now know all about us, and we are going to work it all out". That's it.

 

Then came his imposed no contact rule, which I of course broke because I hadn't read your other article yet! He even went so far as changing his cell # (and possible home #, I haven't tried) immediately, which is a huge insult to me. He has not yet been back at work, and this is roughly 6 weeks ago this happened. He emailed me a couple of times replying to mine, saying he is working on putting his family back together and leave him alone.

 

I feel like the villian and all I did wrong was choose to believe in this guy. I still love him, so much. When it is all in black and white he clearly is the doufus - and I KNOW I deserve so much more... and I don't believe at all that I will ever find something even close to what I felt for him.

 

And that leaves me at another very confusing crossroads - do I get back together with my x-husband who has been there for me all along (we still have problems but work on them more now). I am not in love with him. I haven't been for many, many years. We have 3 young children together who love us both dearly and our friendship has remained as strong as it is because of our love for them.

 

Oh I don't know what to doooooo! I want to spend my life with the doufus - or somehow fall that much in love with my x-husband! I can't seem to 'make' myself feel that, and the doufus is as weak as cheap tea and will only slink out from under his rock when his wife turns her back again...

 

help!

[neallo82288]

I am not going to go into the problems with affairs outside of a marrriage, because you have seen them for yourself. Most of the time when a man/woman are with their spouse they will not leave them, but are looking for validation into who they are. You have provided the validation. Now what you have to do is go into the healing stage and work on yourself. Heal from your wounds of both of these past relationships. You need to see that you were not the villian. You were duped by a con artist and now you have seen the light. Take the time and work on yourself. Go places and do the things that make you happy. Take time and be alone. I know that the uncertainity of loneliness is a terrible thought, but would being with a man that you are not in love with or being with a man that you cannot trust and respect be better? Take the time you need to heal from all the lies that he and everyone have told you. Go on and heal yyourself. I recommend that you never ever talk to this man again. He was wrong and put you in a situation that you should never have been in.

 

Learn from this and make yourself grow from it. Get stronger mentally and physically. Take time to be yourself. Time heals all wounds and that is a promise. You will feel no more pain and see that it is you that should be over this. Forget him.

 

Hope this helped,

Neallo

[Jordan42]

*Please don't read this as if I am angry or accusatory. I'm neither.*

 

Don't use your ex-husband as a safety net. Write down why you think you want to go back to him. It will help you organize your thoughts. If you don't feel that he is someone you want to share your life with, don't go back.

 

As for the married man, you need to accept that the relationship is over. He wants to reconcile with his family.

 

It is hard to lose someone you feel is right for you. Try to remember that if someone is right for you, they will want to be with you.

 

I am sorry you are hurting right now. Best wishes to you.

[Chiron]

I am so blessed to have found this outlet and all of the amazing, heartfelt, experienced advice that is offered here!

 

Neallo, your words are very poignant and well taken. Nobody has been so clear and blunt about 'I recommend that you never ever talk to this man again. He was wrong and put you in a situation that you should never have been in'. Thank you! At first I thought, 'I can't do that! I have to talk to him again!', but on second thought, I felt really good about the cards that *I* hold in not having to do anything further to hurt myself emotionally. What did you mean by people who have affairs are looking for validation into who they are, and how did I provide that validation?

 

Jordan, your words are equally empowering in suggesting that I am using my x-husband as a safety net. I believe I am and you brought that to my consciousness. Thank you. I will write that list about why I want to be with him (or not). I do know one thing though. When he and I are together with our 3 little boys, it just feels 'right'. The way it should be. Is it possible to feel that incredible love and excitement with him...?

 

So true: If someone is right for me, they will want to be with me. And I have had that all along and didn't want it. Has anyone had or know about a similar experience of a married couple reuniting and it working out?

 

XX