Morrigan, your words and insight are amazing! Thank you so much for sharing your clear knowledge with us.
My story goes like this:
I was recently separated from my husband of 17 years, working in an office and doing very well for myself. Nobody there knew of my personal life and assumed I was married. Many hit on me, I ignored their advances. One fellow was very persuasive and after several months, and a month where he wasn't at the office and I really missed him, we finally began dating... he is married and I knew it - and figured he is clearly on his way to his own separation from his wife and he and I will just have fun in the meantime. Someone to hang out with and talk with. Then BLAM! Wow, he was something else. And so was I, apparently. I will add here that he has had affairs in the past and I knew it, too, but I believed "I would be different"!
As it went, after several months of our carrying-on, I was ousted to a different office away from him. I was going through a difficult time with my x-husband and I see now, vulnerable. But oh how I loved him! And as you will see, still do. We shared everything, the same interests, desires, thoughts, etc. Our bond was one I have never experienced anything even close to before. Months into 'us', I began realizing he was duping me but I didn't care, I was loving being with him. Near our one year anniversary, I really began taking the bit in my teeth and looking for where his loyalties were - because he was never there for me physically when I needed serious help or a shoulder. I called his house one fateful evening, which in itself wasn't anything since I called him there often... but this time his 21 or 23yo daughter answered and woah did she ever have some explicatives for me! I should add that this is a 'good Christian home' so the view of her I had previously was not what I was hearing now! She informed me that 'he is out with his WIFE... leave our family alone..." etc. She made me realize the lies I had believed. I called my bf right away and of course his phone wasn't on. I tried for some time and nothing. I left messages, etc. and ended with how I trusted him, and am so hurt at all the lies he told me... and disgusted and disappointed that he would tell such lies as he has to his family! He called me back a couple of hours later, sounding as if the wind had been knocked out of him, saying 'we're through, the family is here and they now know all about us, and we are going to work it all out". That's it.
Then came his imposed no contact rule, which I of course broke because I hadn't read your other article yet! He even went so far as changing his cell # (and possible home #, I haven't tried) immediately, which is a huge insult to me. He has not yet been back at work, and this is roughly 6 weeks ago this happened. He emailed me a couple of times replying to mine, saying he is working on putting his family back together and leave him alone.
I feel like the villian and all I did wrong was choose to believe in this guy. I still love him, so much. When it is all in black and white he clearly is the doufus - and I KNOW I deserve so much more... and I don't believe at all that I will ever find something even close to what I felt for him.
And that leaves me at another very confusing crossroads - do I get back together with my x-husband who has been there for me all along (we still have problems but work on them more now). I am not in love with him. I haven't been for many, many years. We have 3 young children together who love us both dearly and our friendship has remained as strong as it is because of our love for them.
Oh I don't know what to doooooo! I want to spend my life with the doufus - or somehow fall that much in love with my x-husband! I can't seem to 'make' myself feel that, and the doufus is as weak as cheap tea and will only slink out from under his rock when his wife turns her back again...
help!
