i keep a sinister smile and a hold of my heart...

[waveseer]

Do you get along with your mom?

[arientette]

I didnt use to. i believed she hated me at one point. but now that i dont have her here with me its way harder to deal and i miss her tremendously. and we still have our moments but...

 

i finally talked to one of my roomates about the fact that i was still cutting and she understood. i was amazed to the point i had tears. drained because of how she found out, but slightly less like im imploding.

[waveseer]

I'm glad you can get along with your mom, nobody's relationship with their parent(s) is perfect. How well do you know your roommate? Is she someone you can confide in in the future? You must be at least a little relieved.

[girl friend]

i dont really eat like that now. but it was when i first started cutting now if i dont eat its cuz im a college kid with no money.

 

it feels like i still need to do it though. im a little nervous about giving up. its like when you think about something you couldnt do without and when you think about losing it you start to actually panic. with the whole heartbeat picking up and worry, everything

 

wowow hun, that is not an excuse for not eating - money. Its an excuse for not eating nutritionally soundly! But eating studenty-style is cheap, and you need 2 be having 3 meals a day.

 

I didnt use to. i believed she hated me at one point. but now that i dont have her here with me its way harder to deal and i miss her tremendously. and we still have our moments but...

 

i finally talked to one of my roomates about the fact that i was still cutting and she understood. i was amazed to the point i had tears. drained because of how she found out, but slightly less like im imploding.

 

thats great!! How did she find out? had she known anything about cutting before?

 

Thats great, i 'm really glad you've got some support.

[arientette]

she did know, she was wearing my coat lastnight to go somewhere and was going through my pockets clearing them out, which is how she found my little razor she pocketed it and when she got back she sat me down and talked to me.

 

and the whole eating thing, i just have this worry that ill eat all of whats there and everyone will be angry at me, so in away im afraid to eat, but thats just the obsessive compulsive taking over.

 

im very thankful for my mother, there were times when im sure i couldnt have done some of the things i did, like audition for plays and such.

[waveseer]

It sounds like your roommate cares about you and is willing to help you. Maybe you could talk over the food issue with her. She may just say, "If it's mine you can have it." and clear up some of your fears. Is there a downside to your relationship to your mom? Does she trigger you in any way?

[arientette]

sometimes. not like it used to. lately its been about christmas, and its really hard for me to get that time off and there have been arguments that have ended up with me crying. i just used to think i wasnt good enough for my mother and so wed argue over one thing and end up screaming and saying things we didnt mean.

[girl friend]

sometimes. not like it used to. lately its been about christmas, and its really hard for me to get that time off and there have been arguments that have ended up with me crying. i just used to think i wasnt good enough for my mother and so wed argue over one thing and end up screaming and saying things we didnt mean.

 

How you doing?

[waveseer]

sometimes. not like it used to. lately its been about christmas, and its really hard for me to get that time off and there have been arguments that have ended up with me crying. i just used to think i wasnt good enough for my mother and so wed argue over one thing and end up screaming and saying things we didnt mean.

 

I've had a pretty volatile relationship with my mom in the past. It was hard to accept her (and myself) exactly the way we are. When I did though, things got much easier and we didn't seem to rub each other the wrong way nearly as much. Sometimes I still have to hold the phone away from my ear when she's being negative or intrusive.

[arientette]

im good. tired and confused and little worried, but its superficial.

 

yeah im having problems not letting the things she says sometimes get to me. shes not intrusive but she can be pretty negative sometimes. it does feel like she or my dad would'nt believe me if i told them about all of this. no one takes me seriously.

[waveseer]

You could write them a letter and let it have time to sink in before you see them again.

[arientette]

im not even sure how i would start that...

[waveseer]

You could ask your therapist to help you write it.

[arientette]

he actually suggested that this morning. im going to write it and then see how i feel afterwards. if i still have a need to tell them or not.

[waveseer]

That's great and maybe by writing it you'll be more comfortable. Really good news, arienette.

[arientette]

yeah, i had a really bad night last night, i hadnt cut or done anything in about a week and i got angry and it all just built up and just kinda took it out on myself. then i went to the living room and sat down and my roomate held me while i cried, and made me promise i wouldnt do it anymore and if i felt the need to do it to tell her and she would help me. i feel ready to be better.

[waveseer]

It's so encouraging that you were able to open up to your roommate and allow yourself to be supported and comforted. I agree with you completely that you are showing definite signs of being ready to get better.

 

I also believe she meant her offer to be taken literally, I'm sure she'd feel much better helping you before rather than after you hurt yourself.

[girl friend]

yeah, i had a really bad night last night, i hadnt cut or done anything in about a week and i got angry and it all just built up and just kinda took it out on myself. then i went to the living room and sat down and my roomate held me while i cried, and made me promise i wouldnt do it anymore and if i felt the need to do it to tell her and she would help me. i feel ready to be better.

 

one weeks still pretty good hun. You just gotta keep picking yourself up and moving on ok, try to get to 8 days next.!

[arientette]

i really do feel ready, and instead of bottling up my anger i let people know im angry(which is when i did it most often) snd tell them why i feel this way, which i have never done before. and they listen and dont seem to hate me for it.

and in two hours i will have gone eight days.im proud of me. there were plenty of times i wanted too and didnt.

[kaylaj]

he knows, hes always encouraging to do something different like running, writing, drawing, going out for a drive, walking. And I do all that but It always ends up relatively the same. its all i think about when im doing all of that, and it doesnt go away until i do.

 

I can definitely relate to the part about it not going away until you do it. For me, I had this feeling of anxiety that would build up and if I ignored it then it got worse. Even if I did get myself to think of something besides cutting it always came back. Up until about 3 weeks ago I had been cut free for 4 years. Great? I guess. But in those 4 years I dreamt about it, fantasized about it, and thought about it so much. I used to write poetry to try to relieve some of the stress, and even though it helped a little bit, it was nothing like cutting. So in order to relieve the stress I'd have to resort to cutting.

[arientette]

i try writting or driving, even smoking cigarettes, and nothing helps make anger and sadness go away.

[girl friend]

i try writting or driving, even smoking cigarettes, and nothing helps make anger and sadness go away.

 

its cuz they're all coping mechanisms, and self-injury is the best: it gives the best instant results.

 

But its at a bad price, you know that.

 

As for making the anger and sadness go away - nothing will hun. Its just about learning that those feelings are there, and why they're there, and accepting them. And eventually making peace with them. They don't just go though, they're there and they're powerful for a reason, because of what they're about thats hard 2 deal with.

 

U going home for Christmas?

 

girl friend xx

[arientette]

i am going home, im pretty excited.

[girl friend]

i am going home, im pretty excited.

 

awesome, i hope you have a good break at home with them!

 

Hows uni stuff going?

[arientette]

okay i guess, were all on break right now, but i do get to take personality theory next semester. so ive had a lot of ups and downs lately.... not sure why.