i keep a sinister smile and a hold of my heart...

[shin88f]

arientette, please realize that you are making progress even though things are not improving right now. You are seeing a therapist, which is a great thing. You told your friends, and I'm sorry for the way they treat you. I know it hurts. But, I think telling them was a way to look for support or deal with your problem. You tried, and it's not your fault if they get angry. You are thinking about telling your parents. I don't know if you should or not, but I can just see that you care about getting better by all the things you have done. Find people to encourage you (like right here!) It is normal for this process to take years in my opinion. I tried sooooo many things before I found the right thing. Please keep on seeing your therapist. Try different things until you find out what works for you.

[girl friend]

They do know why im in there, they know all about the ocd and depression, not the other stuff. and about moving to fast for too long? if never felt completely settled, my dads in the military and we moved every couple years, and even now that im three states away and no one can make me move if i dont want too, it feels like someone will. and i wont have a choice in the matter.

 

i forgot to answer how often, i did it on and off for two years and stopped for about six months when i started dating this guy and he hated it and would be angry with me if i even told him i felt like i wanted too so i was a little scared of doing it. he was very critical and controlling, and we went through a rought period and i picked it up again and i broke up with him about two months ago and its been every other day that i do since. the only people who seem to think im not crazy are you people and my therapist. because people all seem to have the same reaction of anger.

 

Is there any other ways that you can bring more control into your own life?

 

the anger reaction is often their own fear. Its like, they care about you so isn't that enough - in their eyes. Other people don't understand about how it helps. "Often they think what you're doing is a slow form of suicide. They don't understand about cutting and how good it feels to be in control of your own pain. Of course the best thing would be to get rid of the pain altogether..."

 

Can you take some time out to rest yourself? Make time for yourself. Create a routine or structure that gives you some control of your days. Pick up hobbies you love. Stuff like that. You're doing the right thing, working through it in therapy and on here. Have you spoken to your therapist much about your parents?

[arientette]

I have spoken about them in therapy, but it doesnt feel like their a big part of the problem, you know? or Im blind as to how my childhood affected me, it wasnt a bad childhood, just no consistancy. I both love and hate childhood. no resposibilities and my parents were always there. there was a period when i thought my mother hated me and anything i did made her mad.

 

and as for taking time out for me, resting, letting loose and picking up hobbies I love, I dont even know where to start. what to even do, I feel kinda held back.

 

and my friends knew i had a history of it but didnt realize i was still doing it until they saw a fresh cut on my arm. then they were angry that night and then they dropped it completely. except then one told another friend of mine who told me i was being stupid because people loved me. that just made me angry.

im told that i can tell them anything but then it just feels like im being whiney and needy and annoying.

[waveseer]

arienette, the next time you see your therapist you could discuss the possibility of living with your parents and see what he/she thinks of the idea. I know what it's like to feel too much pressure from too many directions at once and it isn't easy to heal under pressure. Give yourself permission to do whatever it takes to become well. You have great insight about yourself and you seem ready to get over this chapter of your life. Your honesty will save you if you use it with the people who can help you. Your friends obviously didn't understand.

[girl friend]

I'm sorry to hear about your friends hun,

maybe try talking to just one of the alone? it IS a very hard thing for young people to accept though, they think it is because you feel alone, which it may well be about certain things, but you do know you still have them, but they don't see it and get hurt. and then you feel more alone.. .

 

 

 

Its all up to you Arienette - do you feel it would be a helpful environment going back to live with your parents?

 

I agree with ready2heal that you need a rest.

 

you're doing great hun,

stay strong.

 

"If you are going through hell, keep going. It can only get better."

[arientette]

i dont know if i want to live with my parents again. that would mean giving up what freedom i do have. im so confused as to what i want right now. there are somethings that i cant even think about without getting angry or upset. i get told all the time that im entirely to young to be tired. but i am.

 

and as for my friends they treat me like the scape goat or a small child. that makes it feel ten times worse.

 

i dont know anymore.

[waveseer]

I understand not wanting to give up your freedom. Maybe you could explore your options with your therapist at your next appointment. If you are feeling really low you could call him/her to go in sooner.

[girl friend]

i dont know if i want to live with my parents again. that would mean giving up what freedom i do have. im so confused as to what i want right now. there are somethings that i cant even think about without getting angry or upset. i get told all the time that im entirely to young to be tired. but i am.

 

and as for my friends they treat me like the scape goat or a small child. that makes it feel ten times worse.

 

i dont know anymore.

 

Its a big decision, and not one to be made without hot chocolate!

 

I know all about that.. feeling like we're not taken seriously because we're so young at this age. you gotta just hang in there and enjoy the privilege of youth! it only comes around once.

 

As for your friends.. are there any you could talk to on a one to one? have some real self-disclosure on both parts? Im glad your talking to your counsellor too.

 

How are you finding studying?

 

Can i ask you a personal question ? - are you eating properly? only i know most people who self-harm have a problem with restricting or use food as punishments too.

 

girl friend x

[arientette]

I love hot chocolate...esp with whip cream.

I never get taken seriously, Im a goofball on the outside so no one actually sees me hurt and it makes me extremely angry when im being patronized or made fun of for that reason.

 

I have one friend who lives way out of state, Ive known for about eighteen years now. we always talk she knows i have all these issues but no idea about the self injury.

I really like my counsellor too. which, is one reason im kinda hesataiting on moving.

 

and your right r2h, I should bring all this up with him.

 

 

and as for eating, i used to have a problem with eating, I only ate on the weekends out of a coffe cup, and didnt for the weekdays.

and now I pretty much eat only when Im hungry. and sometimes thats not till later in the day. so i only have a meal or two in the day.

 

stressful because the first of my sophmore year got kinda screwed up by all sorts of things, not just this, so now their just stressful.

[girl friend]

Hey hun!

 

Mmmh!! oh yeah! and with marshmellows! and a bit of icecream! and mint flavouring!..mmmhh hot chocolate....

 

 

ah, well at least you're eating! tho i do recommend breakfast - even if its just toast and u have 2 force yourself. its amazing how much better days i have on days i ate breakfast lol!

 

Are you happy with your studies? with what you are doing?

 

Got any nice relaxing plans for Christmas?

[arientette]

I like it around holidays with candy cane melted in it....and chocolate shavings on the whipped cream....

 

sometimes i do...i guess what i meant was my eating is kinda erratic?

 

 

Im okay with my studies...they could be better...Im a psych major..surprise surprise.

 

and for christmas i get a birthday on the twentith and visiting my parentals. im pretty excited.

[arientette]

is it okay to miss my misery?

[waveseer]

Yes, it's okay. I sometimes miss mine.

[arientette]

because there is a part of me that dosent want to give it up. that it would actually hurt more giving it up than actually cutting.

and i was talking to my parents and im not sure they believe me, i didnt tell them about my self injury, but everything else and i dont know that they believe me all that much.

[waveseer]

we are creatures of habit, even habits that are bad for us

 

it's scary to feel new things like happiness, freedom, hope

[girl friend]

I like it around holidays with candy cane melted in it....and chocolate shavings on the whipped cream....

 

sometimes i do...i guess what i meant was my eating is kinda erratic?

 

ah ok, is that to self-harm?

Cuz the eating out of a coffee cup at weekends IS dangerous hun.

 

Im okay with my studies...they could be better...Im a psych major..surprise surprise.

 

Lol yeah me 2!

 

is it okay to miss my misery?

 

yeah course.

it will be replaced by happer things. but yeah, its nice to be complicated...! Its hard to move on and moving on from anything because you don't need it anymore is sad,.. especially things as emotionally invested in as coping and misery...

[arientette]

i dont really eat like that now. but it was when i first started cutting now if i dont eat its cuz im a college kid with no money.

 

it feels like i still need to do it though. im a little nervous about giving up. its like when you think about something you couldnt do without and when you think about losing it you start to actually panic. with the whole heartbeat picking up and worry, everything

[waveseer]

How are you?

[arientette]

at the moment? pretty neutral...nothing extra bad or good happened today, I did spend most of it by myself. which i hate. i really dont enjoy being alone...but ont the other hand last day of actual class is tomorrow so...yay.

[waveseer]

I'm glad you have something to look forward to tomorrow. I get to see my daughter tomorrow.

[arientette]

do you see her often?

[waveseer]

do you see her often?

 

Every other day on average, hopefully she'll want to spend a night here soon. It's painful but it's for the best at the moment.

[arientette]

how come? what happened?

[waveseer]

She was in distress when she had her most recent week with me. After a couple of days it was obvious she needed to be with her dad. So I let her go stay with him for the time being and now she and I have visits three times a week for a few hours. Hopefully she'll want to spend more time with me soon. I love her very much and I miss her very much.

[arientette]

I know what you mean. i only see my mother every six months or so. its very difficult.