emotional abuse

[penelope13]

i'm curious to find out how people (but especially men, since there is so little literature on the subject) manage to walk away from an emotional abusive relationship. a friend of mine is in a relationship about which he says he has known for many years, that it is not the right one for him, yet he is incapable of walking away from it.

[onewithbooks]

I can only speak for myself. I was emotionally abused by my father for years. I knew I was not a bad person, but guilt led me to try and keep a relationship with him. I had a lot of guilt.

 

Finally I got tired of the guilt, and the anger. I was tired of hurting, and I began to fail to see why I need to hurt that badly from someone who was supposed to love me. I was tired of having the weight of the world with me. I was just a teenager, but I felt 30. As soon as I got a car, I got out. I began to realize the less time with him, the less toxic I felt. It was a fantastic motivater.

 

Getting past the first step is hard, after that, its a lot of baby steps. I will say this though, its much easier to hold your head high, when you don't have a thumb bearing down on it.

[Stella Sleepwalks]

A person who emotionally abuses, (in my case my ex), often appears very vulnerable making it difficult to walk away becuase they make you feel like they can't help it.

 

After theyput you through a spell of abuse, they are often on an incredible high which confuses the hell out of you, but that person is just the best person to be around when they are happy. Its an addictive cycle, because you believe that it is your behaviour which controls their moods, (as you are always to blame and always the one that apologises), but in reality it is their behaviour which controls your moods.

 

People who are emotionally abusive have no grey area. They are Jekyll and Hyde, black and white, good and bad. Everyday is a rollercoaster of emotions, but it is that highs that makes a person stay in that sort of relationship. The intensity, and like the poster above me says, the guilt, because the abuser will make you feel like you are the one hurting them.

 

The only way to leave is when the highs become less frequent and people intervene.

[penelope13]

thank you both for your responses.

 

how do you intervene?

[Stella Sleepwalks]

thank you both for your responses.

 

how do you intervene?

 

 

When I was being emotional abused, I thought it was all in my head. You really don't realise what is happening to you because you are made to feel as though you are the reason they are doing it to you. After all, who shouts at someone for no reason? Who gets jealous and possessive of someone who is 100% loyal and trustworthy? Who gets frustrated at someone who isn't annoying/stupid/whiney?

 

It is because of this that you don't tell anyone about it. My ex made me cry every single day, and he wouldn't let me leave the car until I had stopped in case my mum saw me upset. It was all about how HE looked and was percieved by other people. He would scold me for crying and say things like, "Oh my god! What is your mum going to think when she sees you in this sate?" It was never, "I'm sorry, give me a cuddle." Once he said to me, "If you go into that house your mum is going to come out here and have a go at me! I know I would if my daughter came in crying!" So he KNEW he was upsetting me, but he just could stop himself.

 

Abusers are very good at deflecting what they are doing onto you.....SO it seems as though YOU are the abuser. You don't want them to get into trouble because you love them, and you don't want to make the situation worse. The worst thing an emotional abuser can do is pull away from you. Make you feel like they are going to leave you, becuase you lose all of your confidence, and its as if they become the only person in your life.

 

You become very loyal to them, especially women who are victims of men who are abusive, because they see a vulnerability in them. They want to "fix" them, and wil lie to protect them.... Ever heard of that Tammy Wynette song "Stand By Your Man?" Well, some of the lyrics say this:

 

You'll have bad times

And he'll have good times

Doing things that you don't understand

But if you love him you'll forgive him

Even though he's hard to understand

And if you love him

Oh be proud of him

'Cause after all he's just a man

 

 

It is difficult for intervention, and sometimes people do it without even realising. My mum kept telling me to dump him, but I didn't do it for that reason. What really made it click, was that he was the only person that treated me like that. I could be at work and be praised, spoken to without any nastiness, complimented and taken at face value as a lovely person. He was the person who was supposed to know me better than anyone, and he was accusing me of being this monster who just wanted to make his life hell. It was the diference between the way I was being treated by him, and the way my friends, colleagues and mum were treating me, that made me realise I had to leave him.

 

So, if you know someone who is being emotionally abused, make them feel good about themselves. Be patient with them, don't offer too many opinions about their relationship, becuase they will only defend their abuser, but the times that you do spend with them, let them know that you think they are of good character and if they look down, or their smile doesn't quite reach their eyes, comment that "spark" is fading a bit, and that youare a little concerned. Don't push them into talking, but let them know you are there for them.

 

I hope this helps. I became friends with my ex after three months of no contact, but after 5 months of "friendship" I realise that he cannot be respectful to me without breaking his back to do it. Abusers never change. I am actually ok now, not upset anymore, and looking forward to a healthy relationship with someone new further down the road.

[penelope13]

Stella,

 

thank you so much for sharing this with me. It helps a lot! At least I understand now better what is going on with him. I think it's even more difficult for men to understand and admit if they are being emotionally abused.

 

I'm glad you are doing better!

[alisont]

Stella, I'm glad you are doing better and were able to get away. How did you deal with it? I feel like I am in the exact same situation - with a person who is sweet one minute then blowing up at me the next for no reason, but then turns the tables and makes it seem like its my fault. I've tried twice to end it but keep getting sucked in and guilted into staying, with him making it seem like I'm the bad one, the one hurting him and the relationship, when like you, I am praised and loved by everyone else in my life except him. How did you finally decide to end it and how did you deal with the guilt?

[Ihatemygf32]

Hi Penelope13 and Alisont,

 

My personal experience may help you both. I am a 31 yo male in an abusive relationship. The first 2.5 years were great, the last 2.5 have been horrible.

 

For the past few years, I just thought my girlfriend had an anger problem. I realized that the relationship was abusive a few weeks ago when my friend overheard my Girlfriend insulting her sister. He made the comment "why does she abuse her sister like that?". That was the first time I had ever actually thought of it as abuse. After reading more about abusive relationships, I realized that it was more than just her bad temper, it is her controlling behavior which is the main cause for the abuser in the relationship.

 

Luckily, we were both in and out of town and had minimal contact for about 6 weeks, so I had ample time to think about our relationship, my part in its downfall, and realized that I wasn't going to take it anymore.

 

The first thing is to realize that it is abuse .... but I believe that the person has to come up with that conclusion on their own.

 

One thing that really helped me was realizing that much of my contributing behavior was a defense mechanism against the abuse. For example, I began increasingly waiting until I was leaving work to call her and tell her what time I would be coming over (against her wishes). I realized that that behavior was simply because the minute I picked up the phone to call her I would be walking on egg shells and I was just trying to postpone that pain.

 

Another thing that helped me was when she mentioned that she might want to have kids (she never wanted kids). My thought was "there is no way I would ever want my kids to be subjected to her abuse." This is compounded because she is abusive and controlling because her dad was the same way -- thus driving in the point that I don't want my kids to grow up to be abusive.

 

I went and broke up with her on a Sat night. Sunday morning her sister called to see if I would talk to her because she had been crying hysterically for the past 12 hours. Stupidly I went over and we ended up back together, and now I need to break up with her again (which is harder b/c now she is being super nice).

 

She said two things to me during our breakup: "why don't you follow your heart instead of logic?" and "I can get better ... do you really want to throw it away after 5 years without even trying?). My heart told me to leave, logic said throwing it away after 5 years was illogical". I followed logic instead of my heart. Follow your heart.

[penelope13]

IHMG32 - thank you so much for your answer! I think it speaks of courage for you to write so openly about your situation.

 

She said two things to me during our breakup: "why don't you follow your heart instead of logic?" and "I can get better ... do you really want to throw it away after 5 years without even trying?). My heart told me to leave, logic said throwing it away after 5 years was illogical". I followed logic instead of my heart. Follow your heart.

 

For your sake I hope you find the courage soon to break it off permanently. I don't fully understand how she was able to persuade you, but guilt is the first thing that comes to my mind: she is blaming you for not trying hard enough. It is NOT that you are deciding to throw something away that was perfect for 5 years (that would be illogical), but instead YOU HAVE TRIED for 2.5 years to live with a difficult relationship. - So noone in their right mind can blame you for not trying. And so you shouldn't either.

 

You didn't follow your heart, you most definitely didn't follow logic, since logic dictates: don't stay in a relationship that was toxic for you for 2.5 years!

 

I would like to understand why you feel guilty (if at all), why you feel that you owe her anything.

 

Is it because you don't want to admit that the 5 years you invested in this person were invested into the wrong person?

 

I think my friend stays (ah well, actually it's going down at the moment, but not in a nice way), because he was feeling guilty about the way he had been in all his previous relationships, the way he treated women, playing with their emotions, being unfaithful. So when he started dating the girl in question he was determined to make a change and not allowing himself his old behavioral patterns. Unfortunately the girl turned out to be very insecure, needy, controlling, and abusive. Although my friend became aware of it after a certain time, he continued with the relationship and swallowed the abuse without so much of a word/complain because in some ways he felt not worthy of a healthy relationship and because of his guilt about his previous relationships.

[Stella Sleepwalks]

Stella, I'm glad you are doing better and were able to get away. How did you deal with it? I feel like I am in the exact same situation - with a person who is sweet one minute then blowing up at me the next for no reason, but then turns the tables and makes it seem like its my fault. I've tried twice to end it but keep getting sucked in and guilted into staying, with him making it seem like I'm the bad one, the one hurting him and the relationship, when like you, I am praised and loved by everyone else in my life except him. How did you finally decide to end it and how did you deal with the guilt?

 

I was pushed.

 

He pushed me to end it. I was the night before my birthday, I was dressed up, looked fantastic - FOR HIM - and he was spoiling for a fight. No matter what I said he found fault in it, like he was trying to provoke trouble.

 

HE FOUND IT!

 

There is just a switch inside of me that, even when I am at my lowest and most defeated point, just flicks. Its like, "Hello......Stella!?!?! You still there?!?!..... You need to stand up for yourself and tell this guy he's * * * * ing up your head!"

 

I tried to talk to him calmly. He twisted all of my words as usual. Made me out to be the bad guy, made out that it was only his heart that was breaking, made out that he was the only one entitled to be upset.

It was scary and devestating. But the words I used were these, "I love you and I don't want to lose you... But I'm more scared of losing myself than losing you." He bascally had a beakdown in front of me, not because I left him, but because he didn't have control anymore.

 

The guilt? OMG, let me tell ya. He ordered me to take the blame for everything. He managed to break me down and so I took it. He even spoke to my mum and told her that I had pre-meditated all of this, but my mum stood up to him and said he was totally out of order and that he was the one who had gone looking for trouble.

 

The guilt was terrible. But I am over feeling anything but pride now. Proud that I placed a higher value on myself. Proud that I didn't carry on. Proud that I stayed true to myself. I realised long ago that carrying the can for someone elses behaviour is away for them to not face their own problems. It helps them sleep at night, get over it and keep their ego in fine stead.

 

We became friends after a few months. I broke NC to see how him and his mum were getting along, and he was thrilled, literally THRILLED to hear from me. I think he thought I would go begging him back after 1 week, but I sent a short and sweet text after 3 months. He reflected on his behaviour, and he did want to get back together with me, but it didn't happen. He didn't fight for me, and I am worth fighting for. Simple as. We are now in NC, but not due to a falling out. He just acted weird on me one night, and I didn't like the way it was heading so I have kept my distance, and so has he.

 

This time it will be NC forever on my part....

[littlestar]

i'm curious to find out how people (but especially men, since there is so little literature on the subject) manage to walk away from an emotional abusive relationship. a friend of mine is in a relationship about which he says he has known for many years, that it is not the right one for him, yet he is incapable of walking away from it.

 

It takes strength, faith and courage to walk away from an abuser and it takes even more strength after leaving them to continue on the journey and not go back to them.

 

I think that generally the longer one leaves it to leave an abuser the harder it becomes. Emotional abuse is far less noticed as there are no physical scars but no one knows the scars it leaves on ones soul.

 

I recently walked away from an abusive relationship and that was a real test of my personal strength and continuing my life without him and stopping myself from going back and contacting him has been far from easy.

 

I once knew a guy who was sharing a place with a girl for 7 years - they werent together, simply sharing a place together and she abused him physically and emotionally for years. It took him 7 years to finally gain the strength to walk away.