DIVORCE OR NOT

[DAWN SMITH]

HOW DO YOU KNOW WHEN TO DIVORCE. I HAVE BEEN MARRIED FOR 11 YEARS, WITH 2 GREAT CHILDREN. MY HUSBAND IS A KIND MAN, GOOD FATHER AND DOES EVERYTHING AROUND THE HOUSE. HE IS NOT VERY GOOD AT SHOWING HIS EMOTIONS BY TALKING ROMANTICALLY TO ME, BECAUSE OF THIS I FEEL WE ARE NOT ON THE SAME WAVE LENGTH. WE KEEP ARGUING A LOT ABOUT THIS AND WE BOTH THOUGHT HE SHOULD STAY AT HIS PARENTS FOR A WEEK. IN THAT WEEK I THOUGHT HE WOULD RING AND SAY I DON'T WANT TO DO THIS - I LOVE YOU TOO MUCH, OR SOMETHING LIKE THAT, BUT HE JUST RANG AND KEPT SAYING DO I WANT HIM BACK. WE WENT TO A COUNSELLER AND SHE SAID I THINK YOUR WIFE WANTS TO HEAR HOW MUCH YOU CARE FOR HER AND WOULD'NT WANT TO LIVE WITHOUT HER. BUT HE DID'NT LIKE BEING PUT ON THE SPOT AND SAID CAUSE I CAN LIVE WITHOUT HER, IVE BEEN IN THE NAVY. HE DOES COME IN EVERY NIGHT AND GIVE ME A KISS AND MAKE TEA ETC, BUT THIS DOES'NT SEEM ENOUGH. I HAVE RECENTLY CHANGED JOBS AND I AM LONELY AT WORK AND DON'T FEEL LIKE I CAN COPE WITH A DIVORCE ON MY OWN WITH 2 CHILDREN. I DON'T KNOW ANYMORE IF I LOVE OR LIKE HIM. I FEEL LIKE I AM GOING MAD THINKING ABOUT THIS. I ASKED HIM WHAT HE WANTS HE SAYS HE WANTS TO STAY HERE WITH ME AND THE KIDS. IT FEELS LIKE I HAVE TO PROMPT HIM TO SAY THINGS OTHERWISE HE JUST COMES IN ALL THE TIME AND WATCHES TV. AM I WRONG IN ASKING FOR HIM TO WANT TO SIT AND TALK TO ME. PLEASE HELP, WHAT SHOULD I DO.

[hourglass]

You have every right to feel what you're feeling. Marriage takes two people to make it work. Sometimes men just don't get it regarding the emotional and sensual needs of a woman. And that doesn't mean they're bad, it just means they have a different perspective. You're not going to change him, no matter how hard you try. And he's not going to change unless he wants to, and, until he understands why these things are important to you.

 

You've said he has some wonderful qualities. It seems to me you have two choices (not including divorce, because that should be a LAST RESORT). You can either focus on his good qualities and just accept that he's not the romantic emotional man every woman dreams of (which would leave you feeling a bit lacking as you do now), or you can try to work on it WITH him, by continuing seeing a marriage counselor together. If he doesn't want to go then at least go on your own. If nothing else you can learn how to deal with your feelings and with your husband, faults and all.

 

Shop around for a marriage counselor that you BOTH like. Being put on the spot is not a comfortable position to be in. Find a counselor who will not be biased and who is willing to hear both sides. My guess is your husband doesn't know how to communicate well, at least regarding emotions. That doesn't necessarily mean he doesn't feel them, or that he doesn't want you in his life.

 

This is my advice: Do whatever it takes to make your marriage work. I've been divorced and wouldn't wish it on anyone.

[sisterlynch]

He is a person who doesn't connect well with his feelings. Notice that you said you are lonely at work and now all these issues are coming out, when things were going well, you were distracted, now that you are bored, you are bored with everything.

 

It is the working situation that is getting to you. What if he got out of the military and tried teaching or some other more rewarding job. I know that you won't be any happier without him. You need to "teach" him how to relate to you better, little by little.

[bleeder]

Hi Dawn,

 

Hourglass has covered most of what I wanted to tell you.

 

We have to understand that we rarely get to marry our ideal soulmate. That's where a lot of understanding and mutual respect comes in. Men do not display affections as abundantly as women do. But that does not mean that he doesn't care or bother. Men just tend to think that actions speaks louder than words.

 

Notice those little things he does for you? That is his way of caring. It will be a tragic waste for you to end your marriage in divorce on such grounds. Please do not consider it!

 

I am separated from my wife myself. It is the last thing I would do in the world, if I had a choice. Keep us posted!

[Jeffrey]

I can't add much to the advice from Hourglass, SisterLynch and Bleeder. I will say that as Bleeder indicates the decision to divorce is huge and in many cases irreversible. I think with kids involved you have an even higher obligation to do everything possible to work it out, especially since it doesn't sound like there is any physical danger in your marriage.

If you feel the marriage is worth saving, then put all your focus into saving it and making it better. Put the concept of divorce out of your mind. If you unfortunately decide, that your marriage can't be saved or is not worth saving, then put all your energy into separating and divorcing in a way that is best for your kids first.

Need help figuring out which path you should take? I found a book called "To Good to Leave, To Bad to Stay" by Mira Kirschenbaum very helpful in deciding my own direction. You may also, in addition to the both of you seeing a marriage counselor, wish to see a counselor on your own.

 

I agree with the others though, and trying to read between the lines...I don't think either of you want a divorce. You probably just need to adjust your perception of what marriage is or should be.

I wish you the best. And please keep us posted!

[RobzGr8]

Bottom line...if YOU are unhappy in your current situation, only YOU can change it. Your husband will not change...your kids will not change...only YOU can decide that it's time for you to end this and do what you know will make you happy. You only get one life...don't spend it with someone who doesn't make you see fireworks every time you are with him.

I just divorced my wife after only four years of marriage, but seven years together total. I was miserable in our marriage...cheated constantly...and couldn't stand to be in the same room she was in. I couldn't make myself have sex with her, and had trouble saying anything even remotely nice to her.

I finally realized that I treated her this way because I was unhappy in my marriage. I didn't want to BE married...to anyone...and I was taking it out on her. When I told her I wanted a divorce, she cried and begged me to not to leave her, but I forced myself to go through with it because I knew that as long as I was unhappy, I would continue to take it out on her and that it wouldn't be fair to her.

We've been separated for four months while the divorce is processing. It's been hard. I've been lonely...she's been lonely...I've even considered getting back together with her because of my loneliness, but I know if I do, it will start again. I'll get that feeling back and it'll start all over...I'll be miserable all over again.

So, do what makes you happy. Granted, it'll suck at first...and you'll feel like you made a horrible mistake, but in time you'll realize that it's for the best....for him as well as yourself

[lipstick]

I tell you my story and you decide.......

I have a friend with the same situation..........she was so afraid to leave her husband and to care a child alone......but she did it.....

A week after divorse, she felt like a free person.....she found a man.....

who was actually into her for a long time but because she was married , he kept silent him love.......

Now she is happy than ever