Adoreable girlfriend but not sure she's the one for me

[penfold]

I'm a mess at the moment and it's really beginning to affect me.

 

I met my girlfriend over a year ago now whilst working in my last job. She was dream girl! I had never met or spoken to her but spotted her in the early days at my last job. A few months later word got to her department (as I had hoped it would) and I received an email out of the blue...from her! It simply read 'Hi!' We met up and after a few dates started going out. We got close very quickly spending all our spare time together (sometimes too much for me as I felt I was missing out on the rest of my socail life!) I let this pass as I was a bit smitten and hadn't had a serious relationship before.

 

I very quicky had doubts that although she was the most beautiful girl I had ever seen she was not the one for me. I felt she was more into the relationship than I was. Relationship fell somewhere in the middle of my priority list however for her it came a lot higher up. All her friends were in relationships, mine were mostly single. I had enjoyed a rich and varied social life with friends around the country, she had grown in Nottingham and had never known anywhere else. I was very independent (having grown up at a boarding school and travelled solo around the world) She was still living with her parents (at 26!)

Despite all of this I wanted to try and make it work, I thought it would get better but......over a year on these doubts still remain.

 

I got a new job last August and had to move about 2 hours away to Cambridge. For the last 5 months we have been seeing each other at weekends - taking it in turns so do the travelling.

 

Talk has now turned to us movin in together and I'm getting scared. I love her to bits, she's adoreable - and she adores me, but I just can not see a long term future together.

 

I've just come back from a weekend at hers. I had travelled down to end it but when I saw her at the door I just couldn't. (We had a fantastic weekend.) The thought of ending it fills me with horror. Her parents treat me like their own, I get birthday / chrismas presents from her grandparents..... On top of this there's the fact that I love her soo much and don't want it to end?! (confusing? yep, it is!) She is amazing and doesn't deserve to be hurt. The thought of never seeing her again makes me well up!

 

This is now beginning to get me down. I have thought of nothing else for 8 weeks or so now and am having trouble sleeping.

 

I just can't make up my mind!

[kome]

Im too young to know what you are feeling but i know 3 words that might make you feel alot better.

 

Follow your heart.

[Michael2]

I suggest you have a very long talk with this girl.

 

You are starting to show signs of a committment phobe. Just remember you are not the only one in this relationship, and you have someone else's heart in your hands.

 

You ahve to make up your mind , if you dont, your girlfriend will end up like those of us on this board.

 

I think in some ways you want to have your cake and eat it too. You are confused, so end it , or move in with her. LDR rarely work, so if you want to be with her do it. If not breakup with her so she can find heal and find someone who wants to be with her as much as she wanted to be with you.,

 

When a relationship becomes inverted and the love scales begin to tip, watchout, because bad things are bound to happen.

[ilinara]

Why do you have to quit for this reason? I really don't get it. Have you tried to tell her what you told us, might be she will respect your needs and will be busier with her own life and she can learn to give you the space that you need while still being together. If she would try to leave you right now, would you feel relief or would it make you sad? It looks like you want to create your self some trouble out of the blue. Why not try to work on the relationship than saying we are not meant to be? Take a trip somewhere and get the space that you need instead of giving in to the pressure you feel. The more you think about it the more pressure it will create on you. I have done something like that in the past. The more I thought it had to be that way the more pressure I felt and that made me think even more so. It was a vicious cycle. I listened to my mind and not to my heart and I do regret it deeply right now. I doubt your heart is telling you the same or it wouldn't have taken so much time. Get the space you need to be able to think clearly and healthy and then make your decision, I would recommend.

[littlefeet]

hi penfold,

This is a longer response, but I am wondering about some contradictions in what you've said.

 

You already know you need to make up your mind. If your decision is that this woman is not the one for you, prolonging the relationship so you can have fun and enjoy her being "adorable" is selfish, at best. She's made clear that she's not looking at this relationship as "just for fun".

 

Now, a question. . . not for you to tell me, but to sort out for yourself: what, specifically, makes you feel she's "not the one for you"? You almost broke up with her--was it fear that made you do that?

Relationships often can seem more important from the woman's side, but if you wanted, you could have found another relationship in Cambridge.

You didn't have to take turns travelling to visit each other. If it is only because she's "adorable", I mean no offense, but you might want to consider common interests a bit more in future.

 

I do agree with the others that you should make up your mind, but sometimes women--and men--get too caught up in Mr./Ms wonderful. That lasts longer for some than for others. Maybe expressing your need to introduce her to your friends and hang out with them more would help you--or other guidelines, for now and for the future. I have some doubts, though, as you now live 2 hours away (which is not long distance in some places, but in England, with petrol costs, it's an expense)--and that distance should give you some freedom. Do you feel "obligated" to see her every weekend? Maybe you don't have to do that, or you can spend some time of your weekends with her catching up with your other friends from your former job?

 

I don't blame you for being a bit scared about moving in. One year can be enough time--or not at all enough, depending on the individual. She has never lived outside her parents' house. . . a common "break" to make before having a living together/married relationship.

 

Michael2 is right. There are two in this relationship. You talk about her, but your attitude seems more about you. If you are sure you don't and won't love her in a more lasting way, move on. If you are not sure, talk with her about how you feel. Be frank. Tell her exactly what is on your mind: you care for her and have fun with her, but you are not ready for "living together" because to you, that commitment is very serious, and you would want to be more sure of a lasting relationship first. You care for her, but you want her to know you're not ready to decide on more than that. Then SHE will be able to make her decisions, too, as she sees fit.

 

Sure, you might lose this girl. . . but you'll do that anyway, and if you keep wavering one way and the other without telling her your doubts, it won't be pretty. This way, at least you are being fair, honest, and upfront.

good luck.