About NC, breaking NC and closure.

[Eirikr]

So, after a month and days of my last contact with my ex I decided to contact her to state that even though I wanted to go NC, she could contact me to discuss things (a.k.a. talk about getting back, if ever).

 

I knew beforehand that most likely she'd stick to her decision. She isn't in love with me anymore, so that changing can be very hard.

 

There were two choices: not telling her that and keep NC (but with the hope in me tearing me a part slowly) and telling her to state things can change (but possibly killing the hope if she said things were good the way they are).

 

I chose the last. After exchanging a couple of emails we ended up talking in the IM. She told me that this month or so that we've been without contact has proven to her that remaining single is best for her. I stated what I thought could change, in order to try again, but she told me she really didn't want to keep testing the waters and would rather move on, since she doesn't have the same feelings anymore.

 

I know that the idea here is that I pushed for this, and that I pushed her away. That I wasn't attractive, or funny, and that I killed the chance for getting together.

 

And, let me tell you, I know.

 

Why do this? Well, I was pretty sure she didn't love me anymore. By what she told me she never felt any love towards me while away for a month. I truly doubt that would've changed in 3 months, or 6 or so. I did it to get true closure. To kill that hope in me that was giving me the most pain.

 

We talked to each other, being pretty honest. I told her what I felt, about us and about her, without regret. She and I have always being completely honest to each other. Mind you, this probably boosted her ego, but I don't care, really.

 

Did I kill any chance to be with her in the near future? Yes. But now I feel relaxed. Sort of free. I now know there is absolutely no chance to get back together. I can move on. I can forgive and forget. Yes, she hurt me, and she dumped me, but I respect her decision. I feel that my dignity is intact. I don't feel less of a man for knocking the door and being clear we get to be in the same page.

 

I'm sure she wouldn't have change her mind over time. All that would've happened is that I'd kept in NC -wondering- if she has. Now I can just forget about it altogether. Go NC and putting the past in the past. She loved me. No point in wanting something that isn't there.

 

In this experience, it has helped me greatly, I feel. I'll stick now to the Healing forum, and forget about my ex.

 

Maybe in the future we can be friends. I know we both wish that. I do treasure our friendship and our past. Now to go on and treasure something -and someone- new.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Glad you feel that you got closure. Saying what you said did not "ruin" anything. Being silent would have given you the same outcome...she is no longer interested. When someone is interested, what you said would not turn them off. The relationship was dead anyway..at least you know you tried and now you can walk away feeling you did everything possible..and that is a good thing.

[chiyork]

Reading your story made me sad because I am in similar situation. Although we have broken up for 4 months now and I am on NC for two months, I still feel there is not a closure on my side. Sometimes I still want to write her and tell her my thoughts. After that, no matter what she chooses to say or to do, I won't care. The point is to get back my dignity. I was a little crazy when she dumped me and I sent her flowers, called, and even begged once in my email. I regret doing those things. Just want to let her know I am doing great even without her and truly appreciate what we had before.

 

It is hard, but we got to move on, sooner or later.