Think I may need a life change...

[skittles75]

So the last few days I've been feeling rather okay. I've learned that the ex is seeing someone new which set me back initially, but then sort of helped me to leapfrog forward as I no longer had any allusions of her wanting to come back to me. I have been pleasantly surprised at the decrease in my sadness over the last week or so.

 

Well tonight I had to work a shift at the bar that I bartend at, and my ex bartends there also on a different night. I've done a great job at avoiding her by not going there when I think she might be there. But the problem is, when I'm there, I hear things about her (this is how I found out she is dating) and there are little reminders of her everywhere. And almost every single time I'm there, I leave feeling like I had a setback. It is most certainly hindering my healing. I can't decide if this will eventually not effect me as much and I should stick it out, or if I should be rash and quit the job and not go there anymore. I fear I would be angry with myself later and feel like a quitter and that she got the best of me if I quit. But being there is hard for me now. And it's the only connection that I have left to her, and I wish I didn't have any connections. I have been beating myself up over what to do with this situation for awhile now.

 

Any thoughts or suggestions would be appreciated!

[Jay_Bird]

just stay strong dude

 

don't quit your job over her

 

 

just be strong you doing good

 

me and you are in this together on the same boat

 

my ex is with someone else to,I have gon a month without talking to her

 

 

we made it this far,why give up now,the journey has been to long

 

we will make it to where we want to be soon enough

 

just got to go through hell first

[Chrisanderson]

I agree with Jay. I wouldn't quit my job. You'll find reminders of her everywhere you turn. That's just a consequence of spending alot of time with someone. Time will heal MOST of your pain. Good luck!

[denise_14]

Well, I wouldn't suggest you quit your stint at the bar unless there's already a new job waiting for you that offers a greater salary and more opportunity for you to grow not only career-wise but also as a person per se. ^__^

[jammer180]

I say do what's best for you in order to properly heal. If hearing stuff about her all the time bothers you or sets you back, then cut out situations that do that. However, I'd make sure you had another job first. Also, try not to think about how your actions will make others think, like that she got the best of you. Maybe you just got a better gig at a better bar right? How would they know. Let them assume. Besides, it will probably bother her that you quit, she may not think that she got the better of you maybe her ego would be a bit bruised becuase she wouldn't have that connection to you anymore, did you ever think of that? Although, you should really be doing what is best for you at this time, and not concerning yourself of what shes thinking feeling or doing... but I know that's hard to do. If you feel staying and putting up with how it makes you feel will eventually make you stronger in the end, then stay. I know for myself, I had to completely erase him from my life as I did not want to know anything about him. I knew every little thing good or bad that I knew would hurt me and set me back. I erased him from facebook and msn, and have even stopped going to that side of town completely. I even stopped going out to a lot of bars and clubs in general for fear of running into him. I'm not really letting the fear of running into him control me, I've just started doing other things in other places to keep away from those places becuase I know how those places make me feel. And honestly, I just don't feel like feeling those feelings anymore. So, I did what was best for me and cut him out. My friends think I'm being silly about living my life on this side of the city and avoiding places I might see him, but I see it as healing properly.

 

Always do what's best for you and what makes you feel the best. Do not worry about how others will view it. They say that the best revenge is living well.. if you need to get out of there to avoid the pain so that you can start living well and being happy, then do it. If you need to stay and deal with the pain to get over it, then do it. But do not care what others think, because once you are over it all and better they will see you living better and being happy and everyone will know that you did what was best for you becuase it will be obvious in your smiling face at that point Good luck with whatever you decide to do.

[asmithee123]

You don't necessarily need to quit your job but now would be a good time to take a look at what you really want to do and/or what some of your goals, etc. are. You have a dream job that you wanna work towards? Want to go to school? Or is there a city you have always wanted to live in? I find sometimes that a break-up is a really good way to force yourself to finally do something for YOU that you have always wanted to do.

 

I understand the need for a life change, esp. in your situation. I honestly don't see anything wrong with getting a new job if the reminders hurt you (because that really is unecessary and can kinda make the healing process slower) that much BUT you should make sure it benefits you and go about it in a smart way. Say you get a new bartending job but you make more money, etc. It should be something that benefits you in the long run.

[skittles75]

Thanks for your thoughts everyone. I should clarify and mention that the bartending job is a second job for me that I work one night a week for extra cash. I have a full time job that I could never even consider leaving, even if she sat right next to me every day there. So quitting the bartending job wouldn't put me under, but the cash is nice and I have many friends there. It used to be my main social circle before the breakup, but now I only go there to work my shift. I'm sure people already realize that I'm separating myself from it.

 

Jammer, your reply hit the strongest with me. I'm not seeing any good benefits from getting upset over hearing about her and being reminded of her. I guess if it were to make me stronger, I wouldn't realize it until later. But right now it just makes me feel like sh*t. I find that my situation is more like yours in that I also want to avoid seeing her at all costs. It just sucks that in order to completely separate myself from her, I also need to lose a job that I enjoy (or used to, anyway) and also separate myself from a place that I enjoy and friends that I have fun with. I go back and forth on it every time I think about it. I just can't seem to decide which is more beneficial.

[asmithee123]

Its a tough choice but I think in the short run, its better to cut them out and separate yourself. And besides, even if you disappear for a few months, your friends will understand. They aren't going anywhere, you just need to move on, heal, and make yourself stronger.

 

I erased all signs of my ex from my life, wiping out all emails, pictures, avoiding certain parts of town, the whole gamut, etc. It was a really * * * * ty decision that I had to make but I had to do it to protect myself. On top of going through the normal emotionally hell of a breakup, I didn't need to hear news about my ex through the pipeline or risk running into him - all of which would just set me back and cause more pain.

 

I struggled on whether to cut mutual friends and I didn't for a while because a large part of them were really my social network and people I went out with but after a few months, I realized it was making me more sad and hopeful (in a non-healthy way) if I kept them in my life. It was really preventing me from making a clean break and moving on because I know deep deep down inside when I saw them, I was hoping for some good news. So I disappeared for a while, concentrated on myself, hung out with friends that were exclusively mine until I got stronger and better.