I have no clue what is going on, I need help!

[amyjb]

My husband and I have been married for over 14 years and have 2 children together. We were married when we were 18 and 20 after knowing each other for just 3 months. We have always beens really happy and everyone we knew envied our love.

 

A little background. A little over 2 years ago, our son was diagnosed with mild Autism (Aspergers). It was devastating. My husband didn't want to believe it at first. He wouldn't talk to anyone about it, even his family. When I would talk to him about it, and express my concerns about his future, he would say I was dooming our child. So it was hard for us to talk about it. Also, our household is extremely stressful due to the circumstance of having a child with Autism. Our child is difficult to control at times and very stressful to deal with at times. We didn't know what to do at these times and he usually always got away with everything. The child ran our house because we had no fight left in us. We didn't parent him together, we would let the other one try and take care of the situation.

Another thing that happened two years ago was my husband started working from home. I don't think this was a great idea now that I think about it. He never went anywhere, was always upstairs in his office, never socialized with anyone but us. I kept telling him he needed friends, he can't be stuck upstairs working all the time and he would always say he doesn't need friends, he just needs me and the kids.

Also, twice in the last year, he has gone to the doctor and ended up coming home with depression medication. I would ask him what was wrong and he would say he didn't know, he was unhappy, but not with me or our family. He would take the meds for a while and there was a change for the better, then he would stop taking it.

In the last couple of years, he has begun to drink every night, but not to the point where he is drunk, but this is something he never did before.

We began to separate in ways. I was stressed and would escape to our backyard and play around on the internet at night. He would escape upstairs.

We never had time to be us, we were always mommy and daddy. We don't have any family here and my husband has big time trust issues with people and never wanted a babysitter. Heck, his mom was visiting us one time and he refused to leave her in our house alone for a couple of hours!!

 

So there is some background. Now the big problem. I noticed over the last couple of months that something wasn't right. I thought he was going through another depressive time, but turned out I was wrong. (or maybe not)

A little over 6 weeks ago, he climbs into our bed and tells me he loves me but he doesn't think we are happy. I tell him I am unhappy at times and have not been happy with our relationship over the last couple of months for sure. So we talked about that for a while and I was upset. Then he breaks more news. He is in love with someone else. Someone he met on the internet, who lives 1000 miles away, who is only 24 years old, he is 35. He said it started out innocent and just happened. They would flirt on the game they played, then they came to the decision to call each other. So they talked on the phone 4-5 times a week, emailed, sent pictures, etc.

 

So naturally I was freaked out. I was blindsided by this. He told me he was too. About a week after him telling me this, I asked if our marriage was over. He asked me why I had to word it like that. I asked him again and he said I guess so. But then a few days after that, he went to he doesn't know if this is over. And he has been like that since. He doesn't know.

He says this girl is not an issue, that it started before her. I can maybe see that in ways, but not totally. She is an issue now, he brought her into this. I asked him in the beginning of this not to talk to her until he made his decision. He said how can I make a decision if I can't talk to her too? Yet she is not an issue. One time he said what if I throw the most wonderful thing that has happened to me (talking about her). I said your family and me are the most wonderful thing that has ever happened to you. One time a couple of weeks ago I asked him to please send her an email and end it. He wouldn't do it, but she is not an issue. He refuses to tell me anymore about her than the things I said already, which really ticks me off. He says it's not important, but it is to me in ways. He says he has had no contact with her in the last 6 weeks, but how do I trust him?

In the middle of all of this, he was laid off from his job too. Great timing, huh? Anyways, his company cell was turned off, but he was able to keep the phone. He ended up buying a pay as you go kind of cell phone. He said he didn't want to add an extra bill to us or contract because he will get a new company phone when a job comes through. My problem is that he put a password on the phone and I can't understand why. I can understand with a work phone, but a personal phone? Why a password? What are you hiding? Another thing is I never see this phone unless it is in his hands. He says he is not hiding the phone from me, I just don't see it. He let's me look through the phone if I want, but it is so easy to delete anything he wants to on it. He refuses to give me the password. But then again, he has always been really private and that is the way he is.

We have been spending more time together than we have in a long time over the past couple of weeks. He has been seeking out my company too. He has told me he loves me throughout this whole thing, all the time. We have been having a good time together, but after a while, I can't hold it in, and I ask him what he wants, and he clams up, he doesn't know.

Another thing that really confuses me is intimacy. He doesn't want to have intercourse or really kiss me. He told me this past weekend that it doesn't feel right. Talk about hurting. Yet, he has no issue doing other sexual things. I consider that being intimate. The night after he told me this, he was hugging on me and was telling me he was sorry that he hurt me, and I was teary eyed and I looked up at him, and he tells me I have such kissable lips and starts to really kiss me! What the heck?? Talk about confusion!

He has also said he doesn't see how things can work out. When he said that, I told him to tell me this was over then and he said he can't!

Yesterday I asked if any part of him wants me and he said of course. What the heck is going on here??

I keep telling him he is pushing me away, that at some point I am going to say screw this and not care anymore and get a divorce and he tells me he doesn't want that to happen. So I tell him he better get off his rear and do something about it. All I ever get is ok ok, I know. But he doesn't do anything! I have asked him to move out countless times so he can think about what he wants elsewhere, but he won't do it. I have asked him to sleep in his office (there is a futon in there) and he has maybe twice. The rest of the time he has slept in bed with me.

I have ignored him, told him to leave me alone, and he can't stand that. He corners me and tries to hug me, and I have pushed him away,and he will grab me and say honey, it's me, let me hold you. I have told him I don't want you anymore (but of course I do) and asked if that makes him happy and he says no.

We have gone to marriage counseling once, but he doesn't want to go back. He said we don't need it. The one time we did go, he told her he wants to stay married, but turned around that night and told me he doesn't know. He has told me plenty of times he would love for this to work out, but has also told me twice that he can't see how it can. Well he is right. It can not possibly work out like this. He has to quit withholding things from me. He has to tell me he wants me. I can't work on our relationship without these things.

If I don't talk to him about this whole thing, he is fine being around me. If I do, he tells me to quit being so upset and clams up. If I get mad (which I think I have every right to be), he gets mad at me! Last night I got mad at him because he wouldn't talk about this again, and he left! On his way out the door, he says I love you and I will be back shortly. Then he calls me after a couple of hours like nothing happened, picked me up, we went through a fast food drive through rented a movie, came home, ate, watched our movie, and went to bed like nothing happened! It is complete insanity and I don't know what to do! I feel so helpless.

[Seraphim]

He is still with her and he is lying to you. He wants to have both of you as long as he can.

[amyjb]

He has never lied to me before. Ever. I can't imagine him telling a lie straight to my face. But then again, I never imagined he would do this either.

He can't possibly be with her.... she lives over a 1000 miles away. However, he can possibly be talking to her. I don't know what to do. I am sick of living like this, but I have not yet gotten to the point where I give up either. It is getting closer and closer all the time though. I deserve better than this.

[imbroken]

I have to agree with Victoria. I have gone through a year and a half of back and forth sh*t with my h. There was another woman involved as well. As long as I made life easy for him and didn't corner him about how he felt, what was going on, was he still with her, etc. he was pleasant. But if I did try to get info. from him, I was "pushing him away". He would find reasons to become angry and then leave. All the while saying it was my fault.

 

I wish I would have taken a stronger stance a long time ago. Maybe it would have been the kick in the a$$ that he needed to get his priorities straight. But I kept forgiving and letting things go, because I loved him, because of the kids, because I didn't want to be without him. All the while, he was developing a deeper connection to the other woman, and little by little letting go of me. I just didn't realize it. But now, after several rounds of "I love you.. good-bye... i love you... good-bye" he has said it's over and that he loves this other woman. I never really thought the day would come, but it did. It is beyond painful. I would never want you to get to the point that I am at now. Take a stance now. He definitely is walking both sides of the fence. Good luck.

[d24]

i am going to get flamed to high heavens for admitting this, but here goes.

if i had a child with autism, i don't think that i'd be strong enough to parent him/her.

There I've said it. I'm an awful person etc...

I love my gf to the ends of the earth and I don't now what I'd do without her, but if we were having a tough time, she got laid off from work, my child had been diagnosed with autism, I was working from home, had no friends and temptation popped up in the form of a 24yo no-strings no-hassle girl who i was attracted to.... well... you can see where I'm headed with this.

 

Thing is, he loves you, but this life isn't what he wanted. He's conflicted between the fight and flight response and is really urging you to make the decision for him. Some might say that's the coward's way out, or that he doesn't love you enough - but in reality it's sad for him. He really just needs assurances from you to say that yes, you do still love him, and yes, you can help him through life's problems.

 

can definitely see why you're ignoring him and saying the opposite to how you feel (e.g. not letting him hug you) but you're really not helping the situation.

 

My advice is to lay it on the line. Talk to him, and ask him the questions related to the above. Make an informed and open decision and see where you both want to take ytour lives from now on. Because right now you're both in limbo but you're obviously too scared or proud to admit it to eachother.

 

Good luck, keep us informed?

[thouse]

I think it's time for you to stop asking him what he wants and start making decisions for you and your children, because I am sorry but I feel you won't get a straight answer from him. He maybe genuinely confused, and I would give him all the time in the world to sort it out but I wouldn't be standing by waiting. You can't control what he does, but you can control what you do, and the first thing I would do, is cut this crap he is playing with you. Pull yourself up by your bootstraps and make decisions for yourself because it's obvious he's not thinking about you.

[imbroken]

He has never lied to me before. Ever. I can't imagine him telling a lie straight to my face. But then again, I never imagined he would do this either.

He can't possibly be with her.... she lives over a 1000 miles away. However, he can possibly be talking to her. I don't know what to do. I am sick of living like this, but I have not yet gotten to the point where I give up either. It is getting closer and closer all the time though. I deserve better than this.

I would have bet my life that the sky would fall before my husband would have cheated on me or lied to me. But he did both (and the sky is still above me). He looked me right in the eyes and lied to me repeatedly. And very convincingly too, I might add. Affairs (even if just emotional ones) can change a man, I have seen it up close and personal.

[thouse]

He has never lied to me before. Ever. I can't imagine him telling a lie straight to my face. But then again, I never imagined he would do this either.

He can't possibly be with her.... she lives over a 1000 miles away. However, he can possibly be talking to her. I don't know what to do. I am sick of living like this, but I have not yet gotten to the point where I give up either. It is getting closer and closer all the time though. I deserve better than this.

You have just never caught him in a lie before, doesn't mean he's never lied.

[thouse]

And you can bet he's talking to her. Because if things were over he would be more than happy to tell you he ended it, and to get your trust back he would do anything you needed i.e counseling, giving you the password to his phone.

[D_Lish]

I would have bet my life that the sky would fall before my husband would have cheated on me or lied to me. But he did both (and the sky is still above me). He looked me right in the eyes and lied to me repeatedly. And very convincingly too, I might add. Affairs (even if just emotional ones) can change a man, I have seen it up close and personal.

 

Ditto same here...

[Kahdeksan]

I don't know.. from what I gather it doesn't seem like he's cheated on you... he is confused on one hand. Contemplating the losses and all, and on the other he is playing out the time and the waiting game.

 

What I surmise is he maybe waiting for her to finalize her end of the things before he jettisons with her to some resort.

 

You have to stop this from happening... interject before the cheating takes place. Though it may be too late, seeing as he isn't too willing to try and work things out for the better of the marriage and indeed the family.

 

There is still hope here, despite what most are saying... The only problem is, he isn't willing to work it out with you, with a marriage therapist. He still loves you though, but at the same time he's developed feelings for this mystery woman he so fantasizes too, which must be interjected.

 

Somehow you must convince him if you feel you have the strength to doing so... I am deeply sorry you are going through so much pain and utter confusion... sending lots of support.

[HeartGoesOn]

I think you need to stand up, and tell him he has to make a choice. You're his wife, and you certainly don't deserve to be put on the back burner like this.

 

Although he's telling you that this other girl is not an issue, she IS an issue, and he is cheating on you. It doesn't matter how far away she lives, or if he's met her in person, he is still connecting emotionally with her.

 

I'm sorry that you're going through this, but he will continue to do this as long as you're still there standing by him.

 

Wishing you the best...

[lostandhurt]

Your husband has cheated on you but not physically just emotionally. He has made you a choice. You and your children should be the most important people in his life but you aren't anymore. Some fantasy girl 1000 miles away is.

I encourage you to look into "Walk Away Spouse Syndrome" and also go to link removed you will find a lot of information that will help you.

It looks like he is in a depressive episode and is using the fantasy girl to make himself feel better instead of facing the reality of his life. You CANNOT force him to snap out of it. You CANNOT shock him into doing the right thing. These things (as you have seen) just give him more reasons to believe he is doing the right thing in his mind.

This is not about you, your looks, how you treat him or your sons condition. This is about your husband running away from problems instead of facing them and working with you to make things better. He is not thinking straight that is for sure. Anybody that is having an emotional affair and says we don't need marriage counseling it NOT thinking clearly.

Please look into the things I mentioned above and the web sites. I wish you the best.

 

you can PM me anytime you wish

lost

[thouse]

He is emotionally cheating on her, and who wants to have to convince someone to stay with them?

[WindowTo]

Yea, nobody is really confused in a situation like this, confused what to do sure, but not confused how they feel. The problem mainly comes from the fact that what he wants is not acceptable to all parties. Im sure he would love to be able to be with this chick and still have you and the family to come home too. Why not. Obviously, this does not fly with you, her, and it is not an appropriate way to treat or take care of a family. He is not leading the life he wants, and he is considering bailing on the responsibilities he agreed to take on. So really it just comes down to the fact that he has to make a decision between his unhappiness with his old life and his desire for a new one. Also yea, he cheated on you, which he has no excuse for.

[TechResQ]

Hi amyjb and welcome to eNA.

 

I know what you are going through (from my own personal experience) and I know how hard it is to see the person you have trusted and loved and shared your life with for so long, betray you like this. It is really hard to personally step outside of your own situation and truly see what is happening.

 

You want to hang on to every shred of anything that the two of you have ever had. I am sorry to say this, but he is leaving you hanging on by a single thin thread until he figures out exactly what he wants to do. It seems to me he is waiting to see what this other woman is going to do before he gives you a straight answer. He is keeping you by him because he is afraid of not having anyone if he lets you go and his internet girlie decides she doesn't want to pursue a relationship with him. This is unfair to you...you need to see that.

 

Look at this from another perspective. Try to see this for what it really is. He is hiding things from you. He has been deceitful and dishonest with you. The only time he treats you with any type of tenderness is when he is living in his world, the way he wants it. Every time you bring up questions and concerns he clams up. The reason he won't talk to you about it, is because he doesn't know for sure what is going to be best for him, not you. He is being incredibly selfish right now.

 

I hate to tell you this, but you really need to sit him down and lay all your cards on the table and demand he do the same. Tell him you will no longer put up with the lies and wishy-washy talk ("I love you and want to be with you" to "I don't know what I want"...) That is BS! Tell him that you are taking a stand and if he is not willing to go back to marriage counseling or even just counseling for himself to get his head back on straight, it is not going to work. It sounds as though he could really use some good therapy. Tell him you need to have access to his accounts...his passwords, everything! If he truly has nothing to hide, then it shouldn't be a problem.

 

And don't forget one thing...you did nothing to warrant his behavior, you did nothing to MAKE him seek a relationship with another woman...that was his choosing, his decision and his alone.

 

I know it hurts like hell, but try to stay strong. Get really angry if you have to, think about all the years you have devoted to the relationship and to your family. Are you just going to let him sweep it all under the rug because he "just doesn't know what he wants"?

 

Take care and God Bless.

 

Let us know what happens...we do care about you here.

[Kahdeksan]

He is emotionally cheating on her, and who wants to have to convince someone to stay with them?

 

Ah indeed, but even if he cheated physically, one would be able to recognize why it happened but not necessarily agree on his reasons and excuses, right? Heck I'd be the first one to condemn him. However, this is his emotions that he's going to act on because he's got it in his head that he will find happiness on the other side of the fence... He's stuck in a rut, with a child who's autistic and a wife which whom he's starting to fall out of love with...

 

I wasn't asking her to convince him to stay, rather to make him realize what a folly this is... sit him down and talk it out make him realize what a mistake he'll be making. He is not in love 'love' with the other woman yet, so there is hope of him going back... Going back to loving his wife.

 

I still believe he has love for his wife... he's just caught in a stupid fantasy. Whether or not he comes around is another story though... And because he has love for her, they could still make something out of this.

 

Giving an ultimatum at a time such as this is stupid too by the way, so you should sit it out and talk through everything, turn no stone unturned. Then decide... this must be so hard for you.... amy. I'm sorry.

[amyjb]

How do you sit down and talk through everything when he will not talk about it? I have poured my heart out to him. I have told him I love him, that I want this to work, over and over again. I have told him I that we BOTH have made mistakes in our relationship and that we can work this out.

I just came home a little bit ago, and he opened the door for me (didn't have my keys) hugged me and kissed me on my head. Then he wanted to watch a show together and came and sat down next to me on the couch. I very calmly started talking to him and he didn't want to talk about it. He said he didn't want to fight and argue. I wasn't about to argue, I wasn't about to fight, I was just wanting to calmly talk about it all.

I told him there things he needed to discuss with me in order for ME to want to try to work at this. I wanted to know why I never saw his cell phone. I wanted the password to it. I told him that he would rebuild a little bit of trust, either way this works out I have to have some trust in him because we have 2 children together. I told him I wanted to know her name, not her last name, just her first, because I deserve to know that. I asked him to look me straight in the eye and tell me there has been no contact and he did. I told him that I can't trust him because he is still hiding things from me. I told him I deserve better than this. I told him he is slowly losing me. He said then stop that from happening. Huh? I told him HE needs to stop that from happening, not me. I told him WE should be fighting for our marriage, not just me. I told him I love you and you love me (which I know he does in ways), we both love our family, we both love our children and we all deserve more than this. He still didn't give me any more info, like the cell password or why it is hidden, or her name.

I know he will be getting a new job soon, but that may require a move. I told him I can not move with him like this. He said great, add more stress. Wouldn't I be stupid to move with him like this?

I told him that if he could just give me this info, give me something to work with, like he really does want this to work out, then I can back off of him some. All of this can be less stressfull to both of us. Am I asking for too much?

So as soon as I put some pressure on him (again, I did this very calmly and nicely) he went upstairs to his office and has been up there since. It is like his escape from all the stress up there I guess.

I told him you can't run away from your problems, you have to face them, and that I am more than willing to face our problems together.

I asked him why he kissed me the night after telling me it didn't feel right to him. He said because he knew that is what I wanted. I didn't ask him to kiss me. I didn't indicate in anyway at that time that I wanted him to kiss me. Heck, we were standing in the middle of the grocery store when he did it. I told him you do not do things like that if you do not want to do them.

I do think he has problem and the people I have talked to that know him, including his parents think there is. This isn't him. He keeps insisting there isn't one, that the reason people think there is a problem is because of what I tell them. I only tell them what is happening and what he is doing. I am not making these things up.

Some more to why I think there is a problem. First, like I said, this isn't him. He is a wonderful caring person (not right now). He is a honest person. (not right now) We and his family have always been his top priority. (not right now)

He is honestly confused, why I don't know. He is irrational in his thinking big time. He does irrational things. Like going to casinos when he has no job. Like last night coming home to get me and driving crazy. Talking about running into a car on the side of the road for the heck of it. Talking about not stopping at red lights, squeeling the tires on the car, throwing the car into different gears (automatic) and punching it, pulling into a parking spot and pulling up the emergency brake to stop it and bringing us to a dead stop, leaving the movie store and another starts driving towards the other car saying let's play chicken. What in the world? When I asked him about that this afternoon, he said I was just being silly, I had drinks while I was gone. So I said you were driving drunk? He said no, I just had a couple. Well having a couple of drinks doesn't make you do things like that.

He was talking about how at the casino a person bumped into him and didn't say anything. He thought about beating him up for a minute. When we were at a store together one evening, he was cussing and being rude in general. None of that is him.

Sunday night he had some sort of panic attack. I walked upstairs and said honey, you can't be up here all the time, come with us to get dinner. He screamed F you to me and as I started to walk away, he says baby, honey come back please. I did. He then tells me he has a problem. I ask what. He says he is feeling whacky and has been for 30 mins. He took a Zanax right afterwards but it wasn't helping. He was breathing funny at the time too. I just laid down with him until he calmed down. He then hopped up at some point and took another half a Zanax and went to dinner with us. At dinner he was a little loopy, ordered a Margarita, took a strawful of it, put it in our son's mouth. Imagine the reaction you would get from a child when doing that, especially an Autistic child. He was trying to get him to eat a hot pepper, just generally screwing with the kid. Which is not him to be so extreme when playing around with our child.

He thinks nothing he did was wrong. He doesn't think he has cheated on me.

He told our 14 year old daughter about everything without me knowing, just took off with her one day and told her. How incredibly dumb was that?? We both knew she had been wondering, but better to let her wonder about it than to tell her about it right now. Why? Because she doesn't know what is going to happen now just like me. She is in limbo now just like me. Plus he told her about this girl he met online!! Gave our 14 yo daughter details about this girl!!! WHY???

And there are more things. I asked him this afternoon to go to the doctor. He said no. I said if you love and care about your family at all, you would. I said if the doctor thinks there isn't a problem, then so be it, I will drop it.

Another thing that kills me is that I know he loves his children very much. I know he loves his son very much. I told him that almost all children with Autism will regress if their parent's get divorced (info I have found online). Our child has extreme seperation anxiety. Can you imagine what this will do to our children, especially this child? Why would you even take a chance to mess him up more if you love me and you love our child?

How does he expect me not to dislike him if this ends up bad? I told him there was no way I could be friends with him if he leaves. Not after he has done this to me and our children without even giving our marriage a chance. No way in hell. I would only be friendly when dealing with our children with him, but other than that, stay the hell out of my life. He said that would be my choice then. I told him no, it would be his choice. He is the one doing this. Not me. I want this.

I told him to remember that whatever happens is all his doing, not mine.

UGH!! I am so damn frustrated!!!!!!

[Kahdeksan]

Amy, although you may feel that you have every right to know what he is hiding from you, and I believe you do. However, I would advise you not to asking him about this whole mobile phone affair fiasco. You and I both know what's stored there... So please don't resort to doing that as you'll end up antagonizing him and the problem will only escalate. And as such no form of communication will be established as a direct result of that.

 

It is extremely vital to have that line of communication open... so drop that mobile phone interrogation, as he sees it. Drop that idea of you wanting the password too... Once you start with a question, you'll end up with fifty or more until the situation has escalated out of hand, no doubt this has happened.

 

Sit him down, let him know and assure him you will not ask questions regarding his emotional affair. Just that you want to talk and work things out for you two. Don't pry and don't ask questions regarding what your rights are on what you NEED to know.

 

Now some folks might be thinking why you should be the one doing all the work, but see it this way, as I try and illustrate my point. Two people arguing and end up scolding each other. The blame is that one of them did such and such so they should be the one to apologize. It only takes one level headed person to make the apology to mend the hurt in that argument.

 

You are this person, doing the mending because he cannot see past the fog he has landed himself in. So do not bring anything about the phone... that is not the concern now... what's more of a concern is the relationship as it is now! He is your husband, you know him best so I hope you'll have your way on sitting him down to talk about this...

 

Also... he maybe suffering from bipolar disorder, at the very least he is showing some symptoms of bipolar. It should be seen to as soon as possible, this is a deteriorating mental illness, and it will only get worse in time.

[TechResQ]

Hi amy...

 

I read your latest posting and I have to say, it kind of scared me a little. Your husband is exhibiting some VERY odd behavior, as you said. SOMETHING is definitely wrong. Has he ever threatened to harm either himself, you or the children? He is not thinking with a clear head...at all!

 

I know you can't force him to seek professional counseling, but I do believe it is important for you to seek some professional help, so you can figure out what is best for you and your children. Can you go to the counselor you saw before? I am being totally serious, I think you should tell someone about this whole scenario (someone besides family or friends) so they can help you decide what to do.

 

I certainly don't mean to scare you, but sometimes when you are right in the middle of things, it's difficult to see the whole picture.

 

Please take care and let us know what you decide.

 

We are here for you to bounce ideas off of, but I strongly suggest you speak to a professional too.

 

God Bless

[Lugh]

Amyjb

 

i think you need to sit down , with no distractions -get someone to mind the kids for a day , turn off the phones lock the doors and talk, and talk and talk and listen listen listen.

 

Dont fight or argue, one person talks at a time and then the other person replies or not as the case may be.just whatever little thing is bugging you get it out there and see what happens.

 

when you are done talking then you need to decide where both of you are going.

 

Good luck hun.

[bijoux27]

My sympathies go out to you amyjb. This story really made me sad to read...I hope our advice can help you become stronger.

 

Since he is not 'getting it' from all the talks you two have had, and he is still cheating on you (there is no way that he just decided to "stop" talking to a girl that he "loves"), you need to take action. Of course the place he is in now is advantageous to him...he has a wife who is doing all the work, so that he doesn't have to do any of it. He has a mistress who he can put all his emotional energy into. He is in transition between jobs, and thus has an "excuse" to not do anything constructive with your relationship or your family just yet. He will always have excuses until he finds a way to get what he wants.

 

Fortunately for you, you are not a cheater, you don't have the guilt and shame that he has for what he is doing. I know you have tried to be strict on him like making him sleep in his office, but you just need to be more consistent. Here are some ways you can do this - they call it the 180. The link is to a website that has a lot of good readings on the page. link removed

 

Best wishes to you.

[yellowbus]

Hi, I hope your situation will work out the best for you and your children. Sounds like he is confused. He's weighting his options right now so he's holding onto both you and the other woman.