i have a story to tell.....[looong]

[hodgo]

I cannot believe the year i've had so far. im 17, im currently a few weeks from finishing year 12 (YIPPEE!!) i know i should be studying right now but truth is ive done biology all day and now im just chilling. lol.

 

anyway my story goes something like this: i fell in love with a boy called sam when i was only 11 years old. it was year 6 of primary school, he was the new boy. it wasnt love at first sight or anything cos well actually he was REALLY short for his age and i was REALLY tall for my age, seriously there was about a foot in height difference!!! lmao!

 

i know it seems silly, how would i know right? well i just do and its like people say you never know how much you love someone until you lose them. well that pretty much sums up how ive been feeling for the past 5 1/2 years.

 

it was on camp when his best mate jack who was also a good friend of mine asked me out for him, i thought it was a practical joke! im very gullible at the best of times especially back then. we were at castlemaine gaol (oh i guess not many melburnians here so u probably wont know). i didnt say anything, i didnt know what i was going to say! truth was a few days before camp in class we were sitting on the same table together and we were looking at maps and i can still remember looking up at him, he smiled and my heart skipped a beat, that was the very moment i started liking him. so i ran to my girlfriends, told them what happened and as u do we all started giggling! they asked me what i was going to do, still i didnt respond. i ran to his room and stood at the doorway. he was sitting on the edge of the bed looking terrorfied! jack must have told him what happened. then he said it: he asked me if i would go out with him. in my head i was screaming with delight and i could hardly stop smiling to tell him yes!!

 

he was my first boyfriend. i was with sam for over a year, we had an amazing time together. i fell in love hard. he wrote me poems and love letters everyday. after every phone call he would tell me he loved me, he came to every one of my basketball games and despite our height difference he loved me so much. he was an absolute gentleman, intelligent, an amazing writer for an 11 yr old and we had so many fantastic times together. he changed my life, i really would be a completely different person had i not met him, my confidence soared, i had more friends i was the happiest ive ever been.

 

but then we went to different high schools and i still dont have a decent reason but i ended it. i hated doing, it terrorfied me. but at the time i truly believed it was the right thing to do, i dont know why! i cried for weeks after doing it. i really broke his heart. i still REALLY wanted to be his friend cos he's the best person i know, i was terrorfied we wouldnt be friends.

 

anyway time went by and thank god we still maintained a friendship. he still called me every week. he was having a tough time moving on. a year later and he was still not over me, i believed i was, i had a new bf by that time too. that didnt last all that long though, he turned out to be jerk when i was going through a really tough time and needed him most. i compared him to sam and he didnt compare AT ALL. and so i ended it with him too and i started realising that my feeling for sam were still there, just very very deep down. i didnt know what to do about it.

 

i thought sam was definitely over me by now, i didnt know how to tell him i still liked him after i'd hurt him so bad.

 

we still stayed friends, we were both in the laptop program at our highschools so in class we emailed each other constantly. i pushed my feelings for him away, i thought they had gone but no, they were just buried very deep down. i had crushes on other guys, i even talked to him about them, i never had another boyfriend though. they only guy i asked out was someone who was similiar to sam in so many ways, polite, gentleman, intelligent, fun, but i wasnt christian so he said no. it was probably for the best in the end. i tried so hard to move on. i ignored that i still liked him and i knew that he couldnt still like me cos it would simply be too good to be true! life isnt that generous. even i knew that as young as i am.

 

then the day came when he told me his family was moving to canada (im in australia). i practicaly died that day. we were still really good friends, i was still the last one to see him and say goodbye. we spent the whole day together on a beach we often went to in summer, theres a massive hill on it we would run and roll down.

when i had to leave i cried, he cried, my mum cried. i cried the whole way home in the car. it was terrible and it felt like my heart was slowly being torned apart with bare hands.

i wanted to tell him so badly! but what was the point? he was moving to the other side of the world! he was flying out the following day, my school even had a student free day that day but i still couldnt go to the airport to see him go. i stayed home in bed and cried all day, i was terrorfied he would forget me or replace me or just not even care about the things that happened when he lived here. it hurt so much i cant explain.

 

months and months later we started talking over the internet whenever we could. we still managed to stay really close considering the distance. i missed him so much but i pushed my feelings away, far far away.

ive tried everything to move on completely. every reasonable and unreasonable method in an attempt to get over him. every boy i got the slightest crush on i would compare to him, it was driving me nuts!

 

as the years went by i continued to ignore the truth. i still believed that he couldnt possible like me cos it would be to good to be true! We talked as often as we could but the 18 hr time difference made it difficult alot. sometimes he would stay up till 2 oclock in the morning just to talk to me.

sometimes we would tease each other, we talked about the day we would see each other again. every year he said i can come down next year! but something would happen and he couldnt.

 

hes an amazing writer and not long after he moved he wrote me a song, i should have realised how he felt then but i guess i was too naive. as the years went by he sent me other songs, not ones he had written but ones he said would explain everything.

 

once a couple years ago we had a really close conversation, we teased each other and we talked about what it would be like if we were still together. he said he was getting 'choked up' and all this hurt cos he was 'still holding on to all those years ago' then he signed out before i could reply with 'maybe its a good thing'. i wonder now if he had seen that small msg if things would have turned out differently.

anyway, just before he had to go he sent me a song and said it would explain everything but i had no way of listening to it so i never got to until earlier this year!

 

when i finally did hear it did explain everything and i kicked myself for being so naive not to realise that he still had feelings for me! it was some will seek forgiveness, others escape by underoath, another he sent me was 'i will follow you into the dark' by death cab for cutie. they did explain everything.

 

it got me hopeful and my hidden feeling started creeping back to the surface. but it also terrorfied me and i was in agony because these things were a couple years ago so i had no idea how he felt now!

 

did he still feel something for me after all this time?

 

we still talked but there had been none of the flirting that there was back then. i was in agony not knowing! i really was, it was all that i thought about and it was causing my results in school to drop. again last year he sed he was going to come down and visit with his family this year but...like usual something happened and they couldnt. he was going to join the military and that would be a solid 8 years where he couldnt come visit. i was going to go straight into uni after school so we realised that werent going to see each other for like at least 8 years!! that thought suck into both of us and felt utterly horrible. there was no way i could keep going the way i was without asking him if he still felt it too.

 

so... as crazy and as dramatic as this sounds i didnt want to simply ask him over the net or over the phone or something cos things always get misinterpreted so easily that way so last summer i worked my *** off every day and night at work to save enough dough to get me a return flight to canada. i was so proud of myself, 5 grand later my bday came so i bought my ticket.

it really was now or never. if i didnt see him this year i simply would not be able to cope.

the next time we spoke i surprised him, i wish i could have seen his face cos from the msgs alone he sent he was so excited!

i was going to be there for his high school graduation so he asked me to be his date. it was funny cos you could tell he was still shy to ask even though der..im flying all this way of course i will!!

 

we had always got excited at the thought of one of us going to the other, we always thought it would be him cos he was a lot wealthier than me. but i beat him to it. it cost me my entire car savings and alot more but it was SO worth it!

i flew over near the end of june. my flight was 18 hours long and i could not sleep at all, i was so terrorfied. even though i had extra leg room and my ear phone jack was BROKEN i still could not sleep. i started having second thoughts when i was already on my flight!!! lmao! what if he just laughed in my face? what if he thought i was being ridiculous for doing so much? what if...? and how? how on earth was i going to do this? how do u tell someone whose heart u tore apart u regretted it??

oh they never left my head!!! it was horrible, no one around me felt like talking so for 18 tedious hours so it was just me and my thoughts. absolutely horrible.

 

when i finally arrived at his house (his dad picked me up from the airport cos sam still had one last exam, he lived 2 1/2 hours from the airport) i had managed to get a whole hours sleep. lol!

 

the moment i walked in the door and saw him coming down the steps and we hugged i felt whole again. i didnt want to let go but i tried not to make that obvious. lol.

 

i had THE most amazing time. he was so stoked to see me. i havent been as happy since year 6. finally reality was actually better than my dreamS!!

 

and everything went better than perfect! the second night i was there we went to a party, we flirted alot, drank alot, talked alot and then without warning he held my hand. tingles were sent through my entire body!

 

when we got home in the early hours of the morning he took me down to his room. i could not hold myself back! i kissed him so passionatley, and he returned it. it was amazing, imagine tension and desire built up over 6 years of separation! it was a hundred times that!!

 

then he asked if i wanted to go all the way with him, he was such a gentleman about it. i had never done it before because in truth the only person in the world i wanted to do it with especially my first time was him because i trusted him so much.

 

before we went ahead with it though i had to tell him how i felt and why i had come all this way.

 

i told him everything, i told him i still loved him, always had, that i regretted letting him go and i was so so sorry. he said i didnt need to be sorry for anything, he said it would have been too hard to leave if we had still been together anyway.

other things were said but the main thing was he said i was the most gorgeous person in the world to him and he wants to grow old with me!

 

i was stunned! i couldnt believe he kissed me let alone wanted to grow old with me! that was the sort of thing i had dreamt of in my most personal fantasies when i was letting my hopes get too high! i was simply stunned but it was the happiest moment of my life! i told him all ive ever wanted is to grow old with him.

 

i was there for three weeks but by the end i really did not want to come home. i had an unbeleivable time with him, i was his date to his high school graduation, and we went on two massive roadtrips into the states and around canada. it was simply amazing, i feel like i am living a fairytale. it was incredible! now im here back in Aus and he's there and i miss him so much! but one day we'll be together again, one day, no idea when which kills me but one day hopefully not too far away.

truth is we're not in a long distance relationship now because we both agreed that a gazillion miles, 18 hour time difference, him in college, me in worst part of year 12 it just simply would not work.

and from what ive read they usually only work when you do get to see each other at least a few times a year.

well that aint going to happen any time soon. pretty much we are back to square one. we arnt going to see each other for probably 3 or 4 years. im working on it though. working on it. my uni ive applied for is sister uni with his so im hoping to do a transfer there for 12 months or so. that would be ACE! but still its complicated, he has a 12 month internship in his 3rd year and hes thinking of going to europe and yeah so ive got to find a way that wont clash with these sorts of things.

one day...one day ill see him again.

 

well ill tell you about my trip.

because i didnt get any sleep on the flight over and when i arrived at his place it was 3pm and the sun didnt go down till 11pm and we went out that night i was awake for a solid 33 hours or something. incredible. but surprisingly wasnt that bad, i had a shower and then i felt great! i think it was the adrenaline pumping.

well i met all his friends who were all REALLY nice to me and they were really excited to meet me, im not sure what he told them about me. lol. we went out alot! we did something all day every day and all night every night. we were both underage but he had id and one of his friends who looked pretty similar (which i take as a huge compliment cos wenever i saw her she was HOT as! turned 18 like the day i arrived so i borrowed her id and we went out dancing most nights! it was so much fun, we partied, we danced, he taught me all sorts of canadian drinking games id never heard of and have now proudly taught all my mates, lol.

the first week was pretty focused around his grad. i couldt believe how much of a huge deal it is over there! its hardly anything here, all anyone cares about here is your enter score. the whole week was all different ceremonies and then there was the main day where we got fully dressed up, got my hair done, wore a pretty dress and we met up in this gorgeous park to take photos and normally we would get a limo to the grad but we got a yellow school bus. which i was insanely excited about! cos we dont have them here! lol.

and at the grad there was a banquet, silly awards, speeches and more dancing! it was so much fun! it really was, it was entertaining the whole night. so much better than what my grad is going to be. it was definatley a highlight, the best bit was slow dancing with him to lifehouse 'you and me'. incredible. he sed it was the best moment of his life. !!!!! lol. so i kissed him. it was perfect.

 

the second week we went with some friends down to this guys parents condo on whitefish lake in montana US. his parents are both docs so they are insanely rich. and this condo was absolutley stunning! it was amazing. it was right on the lake, double story and my favourite bit was the king sized beds!! haha. it was amazing.

 

plus not only did they have this friggen sweet place they had like a 150,000 dollar boat down at the marina that they just let their son and his mates use for howeVer long they please!! incredible!!

 

So everyday we went out on the lake wakeboarding, id never done it before so i gave it a go. it was insanely fun i loved it! but then when i got back in the boat my knees felt really weak, i had surgery on one twice a couple years ago and now the other is doing similiar things and ill need surgery again so i had to take it easy so i was to afraid to do it again. but i watched everyone else, some of the guys tried backfips. it was insane. it was so much fun. and cos it was boiling hot (i know! i didnt know it got hot in canada either) we would go for a dip later. it was incredible.

 

the next week we had returned home and we went on another road trip but it was just the two of us. i really really really wanted to see the rocky mountains so off we went. he lives in this place called medicine hat which i dont expect anyone to of but its in alberta and so we headed north to west edmonton mall...wait for it...the BIGGEST SHOPPING CENTRE IN THE WORLD!!!....oh yeah. we spent two days there thats how massive it was and still we didnt even shop that much. i didnt buy anything for myself, instead we went to the wavepool and waterslide park and imax and china town and theme parks and hooters! haha i went to hooters, i thought i couldnt not go when i was in canada! lol. this place is practically the size of a small country just about. there was even a place to go bungee jumping which i wanted to do but only if sam did it too but he was too chicken though he would never admit it and it was pretty darn $$$!

it was one of my highlights, the entire time he held my hand as we wandered through. it was bliss.

 

next we headed off to banff in the rocky mountains. i had always seen pictures of the rockies and just gasped at how beautiful they were but seriously i was in awe when i was amongst them. it was a long drive, we sang along to coldplay most of the way and stopped a few times at waterfalls and in jasper and lake louise -> oh lake louise is so gorgeous!! then when we got to banff it was evening and so we went to the hotsprings. that was sooo nice. the hotel we stayed in was pretty darn nice too, well it cost a fortune so.

the next day we went up in a gondola to the top of some mountain to see the view and be ultimate tourists, lol. the view was nice for like 30 secs then this massive cloud hung over us and it almost snowed! lol.

up there i saw a chipmunk! it was so adorable! lol. then when we went back down we started heading for calgary. i was flying out of calgary the following night. we stayed at his uncles house and just bummed and watched silly movies on the couch together. and ordered pizza delivered. it was so nice. just simply way to spend the last night togeter. the fact that i was leaving was looming over me and i tried to ignore it. i really never wanted to go home, this was such a dream i never wanted to leave. the next day we went ot the calgary stampede, a massive rodeo and carnival. we mucked around in there for a few hours and i managed to win a basketball on one of them silly game things that always steal your money. but i couldnt keep it cos it was too big to go in my luggage, i was shattered! lol!. it was a calgary flames one, the ice hockey team sam was obsessed with so i gave it to him.

 

then i packed and we headed off to the airport. sam n i talked about what we were going to do, we ageed not to do LDR. we thought about maybe moving to do uni there but when i researched that i found it was going to cost me 30 grand annually so that plan flopped.

 

i told him i would wait for him and i meant it, for me it would just be wrong to ignore everything thats happened and the future we have planned together. he didnt say he would wait for me too but i can understand that, i really do, i might just sound silly and naive here but hes an 18 yr old guy and we arnt going to see each other for years, he doesnt want to wait with the hope of seeing me again only to get disappointed and his heart broken agian. i can understand that, hes taking the far more realistic approach, im more of a dreamer and ive waited 6 years already i can wait some more. itll hurt, and it does beyond anythign ive ever felt before but i know itll be worth it in the end.

 

at the airport when we sed our last goodbyes and i went through the security i sat down at the gate and cried and cried and cried. i went to starbucks to get a hot chocolate to make me feel better lol. i orederd a small but the guy gave me a large and insisted i had cream with it too cos he could see i was crying. i thought that was nice.

 

i miss him so so so much and now im terrorfied of losing him to something beyond our control. it plagues my mind that fear, and i really dont want to take these next few years for granted. so im trying my hardest to find a way to see him again but for now i have to concentrate on school. it hurts so so much.

thanks for reading again.

sorry its long