MissUnderstood

[TearzOfPain]

well, im going to start off by saying love is the rarest thing in the world today. I feel this because I am hated by family. Cousins, aunts, uncles, grandmas, grandpas and it goes out to extended family too. But the thing that hurts the most is when your immediate family cant stand you either. i dont talk to my dad for reasons too many to explain my brother cares more about laughing at me when im down, and then theres my mom.

 

My story goes way back and is pretty long, but i'll try to get to the point. i wasnt a good student in HS, i hate school in every shape and form. About 5 months ago I enrolled in Bryan College of Court Reporting, everything was perfect. I loved it sooo much I never thought i would love school and be the youngest person in class who just so happened to have the highest grade in class. In the beginning for about a week my mom was very encouraging and proud of me then for some reason she didnt do that anymore. She decided that I needed to leave school and pay my traffic tickets. All of a sudden I had to pay for everything of mine. For the first time in my whole piontless, sad, troublesome life I was doing SOMETHING right, she made me leave school.. MY MOM MADE ME QUIT SCHOOL?

 

My whole life she prayed for the day I went to college.. didnt make sense to me and hurt me beyond anything ever. With tears streaming down my eyes I went and quit school.

 

Everything after that became worse and worse by the damn day! I lost my license, my car that was my best friend got impounded then repo'd.. i lost my mind. Completely.

 

I cried for days on end like a baby. My mom never for a second cared. Not for a second said "its ok" not even a "whats wrong?", nothing. All she cared about was her shop and her son (my brother who is 2 years younger than me and the "baby" of the family). I dont refer to it as my brother.

 

Until today this goes on. I cant find a job because of a "criminal" background that gives my mom another reason to put me down. "Druggie, * * * * * , snake, jelouse, * * * * " all things she refers to me as. One time in my life I was arrested and made a mistake, she haunts me until this god forsaken day about it. "my son, my son my son my son" is all I hear. He comes home whenever he wants. Gets anything he wants. He turned 18 sep. 5 and didnt come home for 3 days got his drivers license 3 days ago and now he lives like a king. My mom loves him and hes always right. He got caught with weed and I was arrested for meth, but he got caught by cops and my mom numerous times, but again my one mistake is worse then his ten million. why?

 

My world is dark as I write this, i cry and cry and cry. My own mother who I love, and would die for has turned her back on me. She curses me to a grave. Says she wishes I would die and regrets the day I was born. Everything I've done for her and do for her she is blind to. My cousins and them even hated the fact I got a car, said i didnt deserve it, I shouldnt have a license. Why cant they just be happy for me? I dont get it. I love them even after everything they did and said to me. My mom even loves my cousins more then me. She says I have a temper, I'm a smart mouth, I'm sick in the head and need to go to a hospital. Just because I speak my mind and I'm not fake. I dont smoke weed like my brother to not give a * * * * when she * * * * * es. Im just too honest and real. So that makes me just so horrible that nobody can love me. I made mistakes, I wont lie, but why cant my mom forgive me and just help me?

 

I dont know what to do anymore, or where to turn. I pray that god will take my life because suicide is a sin. I have enough sins. I pray that he will see my pain and heartache and put me out of my misery, so that I can finally rest in * * * * ing peace, because the day I lost my mothers love was the day I stopped living. She means the world to me and even after all the horrible things shes said and done..I love her. I never thought that someone's heart can actually hurt. I have anxiety attacks, I panic, I loose my breath and see my life flash before my eyes.. at the age of 20, I feel 21 will not be seen. im a loving caring person who would never hurt a fly.. unless it buzzed around my face but then who wouldnt? lol.

 

Call me crazy and take a number..but this is not even a tiny itsy bitsy part of my long, long longgggggggggggggggg sad life....

 

LIFE IS NOT SHORT.. LIFE IS LOOOOOONG WAYYY TOOO DAMMM LONG..

 

IM JUST MISSUNDERSTOOD....

[denise_14]

just chill deary! take sometime off, go somewhere nice and quiet...away from all the people that caused you pain. wait for things to cool down. i believe that, in time, everything will be ok.

 

i'm sure you're mom will forgive you in time. a mom's love is probably one of the greatest kinds of love on earth. this is just a test of your relationship.