How long should I wait?

[mr_m4x]

Do you think it'd be a good idea to ask her out to dinner over the weekend?

[KDC1]

Do you think it'd be a good idea to ask her out to dinner over the weekend?

 

Probably best not to. I'd leave it a week or two.

 

KDC

[mr_m4x]

Let's see if I can make it through.

 

Thanks

[Shadows Light]

Mr M4X... sorry I haven't answered your post sooner, but I had some personal issues of my own I've been wading through on this side.

 

You referred to the previous post I wrote to someone regarding personal space. I'm glad you are doing a lot of reading and research looking at things with an open mind and keeping your options open.

 

You have many similarities to that post didn't you?

 

One of the biggest flags I saw in your orginal post is when you mentioned that you've shut out everyone for the past two years and have been basking in this lovefest cacoon of yours. Well... even a catapillar when it goes into a cacoon must emerge into the real world one day and then deal with the OUTSIDE world. None of us are islands to ourselves.

 

Humans... are a social animal. We need other people to validate us, to keep us human, to interact, to grow... etc etc. Shutting yourselfs off for a long 2 year honeymoon period... might not have been the best thing to do for yourselves.

 

As I said in the other post... we are individuals who "SHARE" our lives.. we don't LIVE through one another.... although we mate... we don't become ONE person, with one mind.. one body... one choice.

 

I watched my own parents Cacoon themselves growing up. I don't know WHY they did it. could be many reasons. They came accross the seas to a foreign land, a foreign tongue, foreign customs... and maybe they just felt SAFE from that world if they interacted as little as possible with the outside world. It worked... for a time. But they didn't GROW.. they didn't grow as people until one of them... ventured out... and started socializing.. and learning... and growing. When she ventured out in the world... then Dad had a problem with that. All of a sudden she had NEW ideas... new thoughts... new dreams... and he... became JEALOUS. He saw all these changes as a threat. And do you know what killed that relationship finally??? HIS Jealousy... he need to control the situation... his need to control her.

 

I learned that lesson first hand... had front row seats to it. Watched it happen.

 

Your GF.... Your Spouse.. Your MATE.. should be your best friend.

 

The only difference... ONLY difference between a friend and a relationship... is the INTIMACY level. right????

 

Well.... there are things that you wouldn't say to your friends isn't there?

There are area's of their lives that are SACRED.. that you don't touch... your friend might come to you and bare their soul.. to you. And you do what? You pick them up. You do whatever it is to gently... gently pick them up... and help them to feel better. It amazes me to no end.. how we can do this in a "FRIEND" situation.. but when it comes to relationships... we feel that we have the inate right to say whatever it is that comes to our minds. We don't bite our tongues.. or think of the consequences... we just let loose. you've done it. I've done it. We've all done it.

IN a relationship... the boundary lines of individuality .. where YOU end.. and I begin... are blurred. Almost.. NON existent. And then we wonder... when we get into these relationship turmoils.. how did this happen?

 

Well.. because .. we let it happen. She let it happen. You let it happen.

You tried to shut the world off and live appart.. and you can't do that... the world will catch up to you... sooner or later. It is.. what it is.

 

What I hear you saying is you are AFRAID. FEAR is ruling you and putting you in turmoil. You are afraid to lose her. You are afraid she's going to walk away from you. You are afraid that you are not good enough.. that she will find someone out there better than you are. You are afraid you will be found lacking.

 

Guess what? None of us is perfect. None of us infallaible. We all have dark sides.. we all have faults... we all have facets to our phsyche that are a little warped.. off... miss wired. There will "ALWAYS" be someone out there who is better than I am... always someone out there that is worse.

 

Don't try to shelter your GF like a precious prize or trophy. No one wants to be that sheltered or that prized. It's stiffling. It's suffocating.

 

You need to tend a garden.. and weed it. but if you over do it... if you overwwater your plants.. they will die. Make sense?????

 

I like that fact that you've both recognized the need for social interaction. I think you should each have your own lives..but you should also share a life. Meaning.. you do your thing.. she does her thing.. and you do things together and socialize together.

 

Don't let her be the cruise director all the time and plan outings.. and don't let her make you the cruise director either. There is a WHOLE big world out there to explore together. Try to find new things to do together. Try to do things you've NEVER done before.. experience life a little bit more... other than.. just your video games. hint hint.

 

For instance... instead of spending the night playing video games... coud you not have gone to an ART MUSEUM.. and EVENT.... Gone out and played Soccer.. or done something else? and when you've done whatever it is... I would so so so be interested in hearing what you did.. what you experienced the next time I met you over coffee. I'd love to "RE-LIVE" tha experience in your telling... and share my story with you.

 

How much is there to share..if we meet for coffee... and you tell me, you spent 3 hours playing video games??? or... if we tell each other the same ol... lame ol... stuff we've been telling each other for the past 2years. School. Work.. School.. work... whine... complain... whine some more... complain some more.

 

You get what I'm trying to say to you?? actually to the both of you?

 

I said in the other post.. that the girl that kissed the guy... said it was a MISTAKE... and maybe it was. but can you see... can you divorce yourself from your emotions.. from your fears and see "WHY"..... why would I.. kiss someone else one night when I was out???? do you remember your first kiss? do you remember staying up late and telling each other your STORIES... your HISTORIES... do you remember what it felt like????

 

Where did it go??????????? How did it happen????

 

LOL. Believe me... this type of story replays itself daily in many many many lives around the globe. People asking themselves... What the heck happened to us? Where did we go???

 

Get past your fear of rejection... dejection... or feeling NOT good enough.

 

If you love someone... you LOVE them... and you'll want the BEST for them.. then be the best. LIVE... LIVE YOUR LIFE to the fullest... and don't just get by. Just getting by may not be... enough glue to hold you together.

[Shadows Light]

..... I can understand 1, maybe 2 weeks, but 3 months?

 

Are you kiddding me??????????? How much do you LOVE HER?

There are those who would wait forever for their love. I don't suggest

waiting around and being morose and sullen about it. but you surely won't get points from her by putting TIME TABLES on things.

 

Back the heck off. geesze. Look... here's another personal story for you.

 

I was going through a pretty emotionaly charged time in my life. I was in trouble.. physically... mentally.. thinking of alternatives if you get my drift. I was seeing a counselor at the time. My X.. went with me to counseling... and we were in the midst of a divorce.... I had filed a 90 day stay.. to hault the procedings for 90 days. 3 months. Wasn't a number I put on it... it was a number the courts give you before you either have to withdraw your divorce papers or continue.

 

Anyway... My X... hounded me... chased me... suffocated me... wanting an answer. He went to counseling with me and demanded from the counnselor and answer... he wanted to know if I would be OK in 3 months.

 

My cousnelor was appalled. She said.. you can't place a time frame around when someone will recover emotionally... "she can't function right now.. she's not sleeping... eating... and she's a basket case... she NEEDS to concentrate on her well being.. and getting back on track"

 

Guess what? My X... wasn't listening. All he cared about was that he was going to lose me. I was going to divorce him. And that would be the end of that. He never heard what my Dr. said to him... "She's NOT WELL..... " all he cared about was how he was feeling at the time.. what his wants... and what his needs were.

 

Me? That was enough for me to hear. He cared about himself. He cared what people would say about him if I left. He cared how he felt. He did not care about how I felt.. what my wants and needs were.

 

I got my answer.

 

Two weeks later.. I lifted the stay... and proceeded with divorce proceedings.

[Shadows Light]

add to my last post.....

 

Love doesn't live on a time table.

 

For me....Marriage isn't that piece of paper that says we're married.

Nor... is a divorce decree anything but a piece of expensive paper.

 

LOVE is not tangible. It's doesn't live on a time table. Nor is it

a piece of paper... a material object. LOVE is Living.

 

Ask yourself... have you been Living???? or have you merely been

watching the clock... existing? Waiting for that next big thing to happen.... waiting for that .. if only this.. or if only that will manifest

itself and then.... THEN .. I will be happy??? If you've been doing that... then you arn't... living.

 

Keep it real. Keep it simple. Go out and take a walk through the park...

hand in hand... and immerse yourself in the magic. Whens the last time the both of you enjoyed the "FALL COLORS" and the leaves of GOLD.

Ever walk on a blanket of gold.. and had gold raining around your heads and thought it magic????

 

Take a walk down to the river, pond, lake... and watch a sunset. Look and really see the colors.

 

Go to a park... and sit on a swing.. and act like a kid again...

 

build a snowman together.. laugh together...

 

Go out and listen to a band and listen to the music.. let it take you away

to another time and place.

 

Go to a friends birthday party... a celebration and really.. really really be joyous and happy for that person. Share in their joy.

 

Bake some cookies together and go visit a family member.. a grandmother, uncle or an aunt.

 

Get involved in your community... volunteer some time to someone who needs you more than you need them.

 

There are a ton of things you can do.. that arn't going to cost you anything.. but a little time and fore thought in the planning.

[mr_m4x]

All I can say is "Wow", you completely understood my situation and took the time to give me some advise and I thank you for doing that.

 

We both agreed that it was our fault to have let it get this far. We weren't trying to get away from everyone else, we just wound up there unconsciously. My GF is very shy and she's always had some difficulties socializing, those difficulties have increased as we spent time together because she didn't feel the need to get out there and socialize because she thought she had everything she wanted with me and it was also my fault because I let it happen. And I've had my problems as well with my social life, I've lost contact with most of my friends. When we hanged out with them (because from time to time we did) all the conversation was directed to me but since I had been away for so long, I had almost no knowledge of what they were talking about, and it was uncomfortable for both of us, for her because she was just standing there by my side not having a good time and for me because I knew that she wasn't all right. Her friends almost stopped calling her because they also were making their thesises and because most of the times there was only one person available to go out and usually that person opted to stay at home than to go out as an extra on our date. I have to say I never told her that I had to go with her or that she couldn't go if I didn't go (who does that nowadays?).

 

I knew that we had to eventually change because I had noticed it, all of our conversations were about what we did today at school/job or anything else, there was no surprise or anything like that anymore. And that thing you say, about us needing validation and interaction is exactly what we are lacking right now, we rely only on each others judgements and as a result, as you have stated very well, we've been living our lives as one being instead of sharing our lives. And that's exactly what we want, to live our lives but to also share one.

 

We tried doing different stuff rather than staying at my house watching TV (believe it or not, it wasn't mating 24/7) but these past 2 months were really hard for us to do anything different. I had planned several times to go to the beach over the weekend or go to the movies or anything else but the only problem is that she was doing her thesis and sometimes we'd stay up until 3-4 am trying to finish some things and that stopped all my plans of doing anything fun. I really tried, maybe I did try too hard and that was reflected in our realtionship because the more I got involved in her work, the more stressed she became at me, she became more aggressive and more explosive.

 

I want to make it work with her, I just would like her to make her decision quick, I know that quickness might not mean a good-thinked decision and also shows some selfishness from my part but I want to have her back with me. And if it takes 3 months for her to take that decision, maybe I'll lose the few hair that I have left hehehe.

 

How much do I LOVE her? For me this is the once in a lifetime kind, the one you make plans for, the one where you start picturing where will you be in the next 10 years, what kind of dog will you have, what will you name your kids, how will I tell my parents that I'm moving to Canada with her, the one that's making me learn another language to improve my chances of getting a job over there, the one that's making us plan a trip to the US and Europe in spring 09, the one that makes me want to make so much money that I can help her get into the field that she likes (I'm in my office right now and I'm about to cry while writing these lines), the one that's made it impossible for me to get a full meal for the last 4 days, the one that makes you look for her car when you have to go by the places she has to pass to get to her house, the one that makes you jump everytime the phone rings because you think that it might be her, the one that can give you strenght when you are down on the ground, the one that can light up a dark room, the one that just takes your breath away... That's how much I LOVE her... (totally crying right now).

 

And finally, just to get something clear I never told her anything about me playing videogames because I knew that it wasn't interesting at all for her nor did I touch the console while she was next to me

[MinziGirl]

She is a very lucky lady to have a man like you to love her like you are loving her now.

 

My hats off to you.

[Shadows Light]

And finally, just to get something clear I never told her anything about me playing videogames because I knew that it wasn't interesting at all for her nor did I touch the console while she was next to me

 

Good... I'm glad you didn't. And reading your post.. I'm a WET NOODLE...

tears.. big time.

 

I certainly hope that this works out for you darlin. I do.

 

She's stressed. big time. finishing up her project work. And yeah... I can see where she'd get ticky big time with you helping her. Why? she's a big girl. She's a smart girl. She's gotten this far in school and she can finish the rest on her own. she "IS" an intelligent girl. give her all the kudo's she deserves.

 

IF... she asks for help. Then help her.

 

IF.. she's looking to unload... to talk to you about a problem she's having. then LISTEN. don't offer help... or advice .. until asked to do so. "Men are from Mars... Women are from Venus".. Cliche.. yeah I know. but most of the time.. we women talk out loud. And in talking out loud we most of the time figure out the answer to that problem that has been thwarting us. Most of the time.. all we want from you is validation... and someone who hears us.. understands us.. we don't want you to FIX our problems.... we're smart enough to FIX it on our own.

 

The friend thing... look.. I'm not talking out of my behind. I "JUST" went through this. Got involved with someone and wrapped up in my own life... and wrapped up in his life... and all of a sudden I'm getting calls from friends saying.. W.T.F.????? lol. At the time... the calls ticked me off.

However.... take away all the emotional bs away from it.... and really look at it from the outside???? and yeah.. they were right. I was going back to the same ol.... same ol.. routine. Different guy. Same ol routine.

Humans... we have a tendency to repeat HISTORY... and do things over and over again... till we finally GET IT. ](*,) Always wondered why they made us take those classes in school... if it's already done and in the past.. why am I studying it now??? lol

 

A relationship takes BOTH of you working at it. Not one of you putting in more effort than the other. If you are working at it harder than she is... then you may end up feeling used or not appreciated. And she may end up feeling guilty about it too. Especially when it comes to the "COME TO JESUS" conversations about "holy crap.. or relationships in trouble... " and you start figuring whose fault it is.

 

PFFSSSSSSSST. Blame game. Lots of blame to go around.

 

Sounds like both of you are serious people. Goal oriented. Have a plan for the future. Look... thats all well and good. but life is too damn short... have fun along the way. Be silly. Act like kids again. There's not enough of that kid magic or wonder in the world.

 

Do you remember when you were a kid.. and you went to play with the kid next door? I do. And it was always a mutual decision. "Hey... what are we gonna do today? You wanna play basketball? Hide and seek? go out in the woods and play cowboys/indians? Go fishing?"

 

You both have lots of deadlines and dates. Other peoples time tables to live on. sooooo... set aside time for yourselves... together and separately. Relationships and LOVE are the hardest things in the world to master.... should be easy.. but it's HARD WORK... cause you gotta keep at it... Loving yourself.. and loving each other.......... if it wasn't one of the toughest things in the world.. there wouldn't be so many songs, books, poems, paintings, artists, writiers and people lamenting about it on and on and on. right? lol.

 

Take care.. and let me know how it works out for you.

[mr_m4x]

This is going against everything that I've been told over here but it's something I did on Monday morning before I found this site and I wanted to share it with you, it's an email that I sent her where I tried to explain everything that she means to me and how she makes me feel, the subject of the email was simply "You", this is a translation because I wrote it in spanish, here it is:

 

"You are everywhere I look, my room, my bed, my car, my office, even when I look in the mirror. If I look inside, you are there, and also if I look around. It's your face, your body, your smell, your kisses, your touch, your voice, your hugs, your support, your strength, your smile, your evil face, your hair, your eyes, your mouth, your feet, your breath, your push to get things done, your responsability, your commitment...

 

My better half, my motivation, the person that makes me want to be better everyday so I can make you happy, the one that with a look can tell me thousands of words and none at the same time, the one that makes me step back and realize when and where I'm acting wrong, the one that helps me in my down times and the one that's with me in the high times, the one that gives me light when I feel that I'm lost in the dark, the one that has such strength that I don't know if I have it, the one that is capable of giving me her entire support when I've lost myself and helps me getting back up, the one that laughs at my bad jokes, the one that can make with her smile that the worst day seem much better, the one that with a kiss can bring out a smile in me when I can't find one, the one that makes the time to pick her up the most awaited time of the day, the onion-phobic, the one that can push me when I think that I can't go on, the one that sets my goals high so I can improve myself, the one that means so much to me that not even 5.000.000 of emails like this one can even be a glimpse of what it really is, my sun, my moon, my day, my night, my queen, my girlfriend, my complement...

 

There are no word or images that can wrap everything that you mean to me but I can think of some that can give you a little sketch: happiness, peace, joy, eomtion, caring, support, stength, bravery, constancy, energy, superation, love..."

 

That was the email I sent her, I intended to send her another email about myself and another one about us but I took 2 steps back and held them. I know it's kind of corny but I felt it right at the moment.

[Shadows Light]

That was an amazing piece of writing you've sent your girlfriend.

and I'm glad you held back on the other two emails.. at this time.

 

As they say in show business. Timing is everything.

 

If... I were your GF and I received this email at any other time,

I'd have been over joyed. It would have tickled me. Touched me

most intimately. However, If I received this email... while we were

on the "OUTS" or if I had just asked you for space, considering that I

felt overwhelmed with my job and studies, suffocated and stifled and

closed off socially.. I'd most probably want to RUN THE OTHER WAY.

 

Consider for a moment... you've both admitted that you've cacooned

yourselves off from the world, socially. She's finally realized what she's

done to herself and is looking for a little bit of breathing room. Room to spread her beautiful butterfly wings out. And you send her your amazing declaration of love and honesty. Your heart poured out in writing. She just ... may miss the point and see it as a way... a lure... to get her back to your comfort zone, instead of how you actually meant the piece to be taken. She may even see you as OBSESSED with her a little bit and find it quite frightening to be the object of your devotion. The center of your universe.

 

Make sense?

 

From personal experience. I received an email much like the one you sent to your GF. It scared the day lights out of me. Here.... I was looking for space to be me. I was looking for space to carve out a life of my own. NOT by myself... no. But a life where we could walk side by side and SHARE our experiences. We all have baggage. I had mine. He had his. I am responsible for getting rid of... my own baggage. Also... I wanted breathing room to grow, learn and experience life. Make changes for myself. Example.... I want to go HOT AIR BALOONING... and experience it. YOU.. are afraid of heights. You couldn't fathom ever going HOT AIR BALOONING. So..... do I NOT go and try the experience because you don't want to? or.... do I not go because I'd feel guilty? or.... let resentment leach into my veins because I denied myself something because of you? or do I worry that if I go... you will be jealous that I had the nerve to go and try it on my own.

 

Maybe thats a bad example... dunno. But it's one that comes to mind.

 

Life is all about living and learning. Sometimes the lessons learned are painfully learned. When it gets right down to it... the point of this life lesson for you is... you've learned that you can't shut down the world or cacoon yourselves away socially. I think sometimes people shut themselves off socially while with a new "love" interest because its just another MASK we wear. Who knows us best than our peers and our family eh? When we are around our peers and our family... it's hard to

wear a guise.... and we may expose ourselves and be open to censure.

 

OP... if you love her.. don't chase her. Don't try to cage that butterfly or hold her too tightly in the palm of your hand. If she's meant to be... she'll stick around. If she's not... well, what a beautiful beautiful memory you have. Don't be too hard on yourself. Enjoy the day... find beauty in it.

[mr_m4x]

I've been feeling really bad since I went to bed last night, I think that the heart ache is starting to kick in fast, painfully and not letting me do anything.

 

I realized last night that she is (this is very funny, let me finish my idea and then I'll tell you what's funny) keeping her side of the agreement of space and I'm not doing it totally since I have contact with her twice a day, I have called her to ask her simple things or just asked her simple things over msn. Not pushing, not pressuring. I can't avoid it, not hearing her is eating me from the inside, not to say seeing her or hugging her.

 

Now what's funny is that as I was writing the last paragraph I received a phone call from her, we both had missed phone calls from my mother's cell phone. As soon as I hung up with her I called my mother and she told me that she hadn't touched her phone in the last 2 hours. Weird huh?

 

Last night I was almost falling asleep and then I received a SMS from her letting me know that she had arrived home (how lucky am I, she was tasked on monday to finish her project today and you can bet that she's not thought about our problem) because she's staying until very late in her office. That SMS made me turn in my bed for the next hour, I almost sent her one telling her that I was going crazy but I came to my senses and didn't send it.

 

There are a million questions I want to ask her right now, some simple, some not too simple and few that shouldn't be asked now. I cried in my car coming to work today, mostly because I know I'm stuck in here and that I'll start grieving as soon as I start getting nowhere.

 

I really appreciate the time you all have spent reading this thread and posting replies, this is some kind of relief.

[Shadows Light]

Pick up the phone... call a friend.... go out for a bite to eat or a cup

of coffee. It "will" get easier. I promise.

 

If you can't sleep.. try leaving the TV on a non-violent station...

or choose a radio station and leave it on. Nothing mushy or romantic, mind you... it might help you not DWELL.. and think and help you turn off

your head so you can sleep.

 

You need to find distractions. Get your nose in a good book. Go for a walk. Go to the gym. something. K?

[mr_m4x]

Pick up the phone... call a friend.... go out for a bite to eat or a cup

of coffee. It "will" get easier. I promise.

 

If you can't sleep.. try leaving the TV on a non-violent station...

or choose a radio station and leave it on. Nothing mushy or romantic, mind you... it might help you not DWELL.. and think and help you turn off

your head so you can sleep.

 

You need to find distractions. Get your nose in a good book. Go for a walk. Go to the gym. something. K?

 

I'll try doing all of that...

 

I double checked my cell phone because it was very akward what happened with the phone calls and it turns out that I had no registered calls from my mother. Was she making up an excuse to speak with me?

 

I need to do something at night, otherwise I'll lose my head.

[Shadows Light]

I'll try doing all of that...

 

I double checked my cell phone because it was very akward what happened with the phone calls and it turns out that I had no registered calls from my mother. Was she making up an excuse to speak with me?

 

I need to do something at night, otherwise I'll lose my head.

 

Tonight.. shut your cell phone off. Take your land line off the hook.

Don't allow yourself to check for calls... txt messages or emails.

 

Be kind to yourself.. and truly.. truly give yourself space away from her for a bit.

[WindowTo]

Can't say I have read every post since the one I left, but I skimmed them sorry If yous aid that you were going to give her space... you need to do it. You need to be a person who holds true to his word. Like I said before, you chasing her down is NOT going to re-attract her. At best it is playing on the emotion that she is afraid she will not find someone who will be so in love with her. Unfortunately, beyond initial interest, this DOES NOT make her fall ANY MORE in love with you. The only things that will do that is to focus on your own self worth and let her make her own decision.

 

But like I said, it is a great mistake to try and build a house of love on an already rotting foundation of attraction. At this point it is clear that she is hanging on to you because of her worries, but her desire to discover other people is obviously still very strong, and it will always be there until she satiates it unless you or she goes through some massive change soon. Look just prepare for more heartache, if I were you I would seriously save myself the torture, but clearly you haven't gone through too many breakups. Back off as much as you can stand to. Is it impossible that you 2 will make it in the long term? Pretty much yea. Are there exceptions to this kind of situation? Yea but, yours shows no sign of being that acception. When someone is as desperate as you are to get her back, and it ended the way it did, and she is acting the way she is, things just dont work out. Even if you get back together which is totally possible, it wont last. Why do you think I am being so decisive in my advice? Because it is blaringly obvious!

 

Do what makes you happy, but protect yourself a little, you are being totally reckless in your actions. Let her have her space. Im sorry for your pain, I know this stuff is not what you want to hear. Good luck.

[mr_m4x]

Just thought I'd let you all know...

 

I went to her house today, we spoke for 10 minutes and I told her that I thought that I owed myself to be alone while she figured out her stuff. We broke up

 

I'm hoping that when she has made her mind up, she realizes that she wants to be with me as much as I want to be with her. It's hard to let someone go when you love them so much. In the mean time, I'll grieve my loss, I'll hang out with my friends, try to take my mind off the subject and wait for her to get it together, all of my plans include her (my bad, never put your plans on someone else's hands, EVER) and I don't know what I'll do with my life if she's not there. I'll have to start making plans again.

 

Thank you all for your support and advise. It was really helpfull. I'll be around.

[mr_m4x]

I spent all of yesterday crying.

 

Today I woke up and realized that I had to move on, I can't pause my life while she sets her mind straight and she might not want me by her side.

 

So far I haven't had any kind of contact with her since we broke up.

 

There's one phrase that she said to me when se broke up that's been living in my head and doesn't let me think straight. She said "don't be sad". I know maybe I'm overthinking (I'm great at doing that) but I don't know if it was because she didn't want me to become emotionally sad or if she said that so I knew that there were no chances for us to get back together.