How long should I wait?

[mr_m4x]

Hi,

 

I'm totally wrecked right now, I don't know what to do... I'll give you a little background and elaborate on the things that have happened since Friday that are driving me out of my head.

 

I've been with my girlfriend for 26 months right now, we've been really close to each other, we've unconsciouslly isolated ourselves from the outerworld and we've lived "fairly happy" during that stretch. I did realize during our early days that we were cutting off our friends to be with each other, I thought that it was the novelty factor but somehow we got used to doing that and we didn't talk about that before until it finally exploded on Friday and has been tearing me into pieces.

 

Turns out that 2 Saturdays ago we were having dinner and we agreed that we should start going out with our friends, not breaking up, just going out. I was totally cool with that and I knew she was happy with that decision we took. We applied our decision on Tuesday (I went to a friend's house to play some Playstation 3) and Wednesday (she went out for some beers with her office friends). No here's where the messing up begins...

 

On Friday she went out with her office friends again, she called me from her office and told me that they were going out, she'd go back to her house and then call me back so we could go out. I never received her call back, she was over her cell phone minutes limit and she was unable to make calls or send SMS's from her cell. I was really mad because I was waiting for her to show up so we could have dinner again. I left my home at 11:30 pm (I was waiting for her call since 9) and went to my friend's house to do some more PS3 gaming. It was 4:30 am and I decided to go back home, I called her cell and received no answer so I headed to my house madder than ever. And I never received any kind of message or call from her letting me know that she was all right or that she had arrived home.

 

So on early Saturday, I go out to deliver some things around town and I receive her phone call. I answer with an angry voice and I told her that if she was bored or tired of us she could have told me before so I could set my feelings in another way and double check many of the things that I had thought of as safe-shots, I told her that I didn't know if I had a reason to be mad or not, that I'd have to sit down and think about it for a while and then we agreed that we'd talk later.

 

Like 30 minutes after that I receive another call from her, I went to her place and we talked, she said that she wasn't happy with herself and that she needed time to think about what she wants and where she's standing in her life right now. All this while saying that I'm one of the greatest persons that she's had in her life and that she doesn't want to hurt me. I was shocked because I thought that the problem was just us and not her life.

 

So I leave her place, and 30 minutes later I call her and go back to her place and I told her that I was unable to go on without her and that I needed her to make up her mind quickly so we could get back to normal.

 

I left her place, went to mine's and there I received another phone call form her telling me that the night before she had made out with a guy ](*,) (I get nausea just by writing this). I went to her house like a bolt and started asking her if she thought that I was some kind of stupid or anyhting like that, you get the idea of the way the conversation went.

 

So when we finally finished that conversation I told her that I will forgive and try to forget, I went back to playing PS3 just not to have to think about how she had stabbed me in the back. Then I went back to her place, we talked for a while and we kind of made up.

 

And finally yesterday, we spoke on the phone 2 times and I picked her up about 7 pm, and we talked and she told me that she wasn't feeling all right because she had done something wrong and she didn't know why she did it. She said that she is finding herself completely dependant on me and she doesn't want to be that way and I agreed with that, and that she didn't know how she could find herself without pushing me away (she always said that she doesn't want to break up with me and neither do I). We agreed that I'd give her some space and then we'd try to make it work depending less on each other. I walked her home, we hugged a little while and just the tought that it was the last time that I'd be able to have her in my arms as my girlfriend brings me heavily face-first to the ground.

 

We agreed to give us some time, but I don't know how long that time should be, I'm right now in my office, I hit a dead end on a project that I'm developing and all that haunts my mind is our current problem. I can't imagine how bad it'd get as the days go by, it's been less than 24 hours since I last saw her and I'm going crazy.

 

And the thing that scares me the most is that she could realize that she could be happier without me

 

Well, this is my first post so I hope you can give me a little advise, or at least tell me something because I'm going out of my head right now.

[WindowTo]

She has to push you away in order to "find herself". This is just this girls way of saying, I want to explore relationships with other people. Too bad she can't be honest about it and/or is in denial. Save yourself the pain, you think there is saving for this relationship but clearly you are chasing her while she is trying to distance yourself. You are gonna get hurt here (you already have been). PROTECT YOURSELF. Listen to me and PROTECT YOURSELF. Get out now. Get your social life back on track. If you suck at talking to girls, take pressure off yourself for a while and get back to it when you feel more healed. Seriously though... the things she are expressing are the same that a million girls have expressed before, she does not feel enough loyalty or love for you and this is doomed.

 

You do NOT want to be pursuing a girl who is trying to distance herself from you, you want to be if anything agreeing to (and wanting for yourself) the distance.

[mr_m4x]

I know that it is the logical answer, just step away and end it now.

 

I was about to do that but then I gave it some more thinking and I wanted to try and work it out. I'll talk to her again tonight and see what comes out of this...

[mr_m4x]

There are also some other facts that I forgot to post that also could have made her explode in the way she did, I know that those might be excuses to not get away from her but I think that you should know them to make a judgement with all the facts.

 

In the last 2 months she has been under a lot of pressure. First, she's in the final year of an engineering career and she's been doing her thesis for the last 4 months and she's due to submit it tomorrow. Second, her career, she doesn't like it, from day one I've seen her struggling to just pass her subjects and get to graduation day and she's almost there, and she doesn't want to do something for the rest of her life that doesn't completely satisfy her. And third, she's also working, she's on a test period and she'll get the decision whether she stays on her job or not by the end of October. She was assigned a project and she doesn't think that she can get it done on time and as a consequence, she'll get the boot. All that plus the fact that we have been so isolated and far from everyone else could have make her explode with the person that is closer to her because she can't just quit her career right now when she's finished all her subjects and is just waiting to graduation day, she can't tell her boss how she feels about her job because that would make her look as an incompetent person.

 

I should also say that though those are facts that may have pushed her to the explosion that happened, they are not excuses for making out with another guy.

[mr_m4x]

Any other thoughts on this?

 

Thanks

[mr_m4x]

I have to say that giving her space is really hard, knowing where we are coming from, spending 2 days without contact has been eating me inside.

 

One of our mutual friends' bithday is today, I haven't asked our friend if she's going to do something to celebrate because I'd surely be invited and since she works with my GF it's obvious that she'll be there.

 

It's really hard, today I had half breakfast and half lunch, I don't feel hungry or anything like that.

 

Also looking some other threads over here I found a reply that I feel nailed the main cause of our problems, the person that made that reply was dead-on the facts that also pushed the other persons into a problem that's similar to mine, here's the link to the thread, it's reply number 15 by Shadows Light. Please read it and try to place it on my context and you'll see the points that I wanted to make.

 

Any new comments would be welcome.

 

Thanks again!

 

(Talking about this over here has brought me some peace of mind, at least for a little while

[mr_m4x]

This is what I've been trying to avoid these days, right now I'm doing nothing at all and I'm only thinking about her and wanting her to call me or send me an SMS.

 

This is like walking on glass right now, hurts really bad. Once again, I almost ate half of my dinner.

 

This sucks.

[ravenflower]

OK as hard as this is you need to let her have her space, if you contact her or pressure her too soon it will only cause arguments and that's the last thing you need. If waiting is making you feel this bad then you need to tell her. In the end you are letting her hold all the cards here is that what you want? I have played the waiting game a few times and both relationships have since ended.

[mr_m4x]

OK as hard as this is you need to let her have her space, if you contact her or pressure her too soon it will only cause arguments and that's the last thing you need. If waiting is making you feel this bad then you need to tell her. In the end you are letting her hold all the cards here is that what you want? I have played the waiting game a few times and both relationships have since ended.

 

I have already made up my mind about the situation, I want to get her back so it is her call.

 

When you played the waiting game you were the one with all the cards or were you waiting for the cards to be dealt?

[KDC1]

I have already made up my mind about the situation, I want to get her back so it is her call.

 

When you played the waiting game you were the one with all the cards or were you waiting for the cards to be dealt?

 

 

Go for it mate.

 

I've had another chat with the errant missus and hopefully we'll get things sorted.

 

All I'd say is give her space. It seems to be what women crave. Guys like it to be "black or white" whereas they seem to cope better with gray areas!

 

Good luck

[mr_m4x]

Go for it mate.

 

I've had another chat with the errant missus and hopefully we'll get things sorted.

 

All I'd say is give her space. It seems to be what women crave. Guys like it to be "black or white" whereas they seem to cope better with gray areas!

 

Good luck

 

Did you contact her anytime during these days when she asked you for some space? I'm hitting my fingers with a hammer to not send her a SMS.

 

Good luck to you too, hopefully everything will get better!

[KDC1]

Did you contact her anytime during these days when she asked you for some space? I'm hitting my fingers with a hammer to not send her a SMS.

 

Good luck to you too, hopefully everything will get better!

 

We're married with kids, so we never really parted, just had problems talking (or at least she did).

 

I suggest you start with a non-threatening "Hi, how are you? Hope you're well." type of message, because if you start with the questions you really want answered - Are we going to be ok? Are you going to behave properly? Why did you do it? etc. - you'lll screw things up! I know because this is close to what I did.

 

Go for it, but remember, gently

[ravenflower]

I was the one waiting for the cards to be dealt, I would sit around not eating, crying and feeling like crap only to find out on both occasions he was out having fun and living life. Its good you know what you want but that doesn't mean you cannot go out and have fun while your waiting, and I don't mean with other girls. Do things to take your mind off it. When you guys talked about having space did you give a time frame? Or are you meant to wait around till she feels like contacting you?

[mr_m4x]

I had gone out almost everyday since this started, yesterday I had to do night-banking but today I'm stuck on my house with nothing to do, I tried PS3'ing but I just couldn't concentrate, I guess I need to be around people so I can take my mind off this. Also I found out that Facebook is a powerfull ally when you want to throw your time away and set take your mind off your problems.

 

We didn't set a date, she did ask me initially for a week but I'm not sure if that time frame is still counting or if it has changed. But one thing is for sure, I will not let this go longer than October 2nd (we'd be turning 26 months that day). Though I'm very sure that we'll talk sooner.

[mr_m4x]

We're married with kids, so we never really parted, just had problems talking (or at least she did).

 

I suggest you start with a non-threatening "Hi, how are you? Hope you're well." type of message, because if you start with the questions you really want answered - Are we going to be ok? Are you going to behave properly? Why did you do it? etc. - you'lll screw things up! I know because this is close to what I did.

 

Go for it, but remember, gently

 

That's kind of the approach that I've been having these last days, I haven't asked anything about what I want to know, just simple, daily things. She's due to submit her thesis tomorrow, maybe I'll call her to wish her luck with that.

 

This is really some kind of therapy, here I am, 12:20 am local time and I'm letting out all my feelings and feeling great doing that. If I had not found this site I would've gone crazy and almost certainly ruined all my chances at getting back with her. Thanks to everyone who's left a post.

[KDC1]

That's kind of the approach that I've been having these last days, I haven't asked anything about what I want to know, just simple, daily things. She's due to submit her thesis tomorrow, maybe I'll call her to wish her luck with that.

 

This is really some kind of therapy, here I am, 12:20 am local time and I'm letting out all my feelings and feeling great doing that. If I had not found this site I would've gone crazy and almost certainly ruined all my chances at getting back with her. Thanks to everyone who's left a post.

 

It's 5.30 ish AM here and the therapy does work. Maybe if we're all talking to each other, we can give them the space they need.

 

K

[mr_m4x]

All right, she's just sent me a SMS, she's arriving at her house and she's about to call me...

 

I've just finished talking with her and it was a friendly completely "not pressuring" conversation. It's so hard being unable to tell her how much I miss her and want her by my side again but I guess that that would just be stupid if she wants to have some space.

[KDC1]

All right, she's just sent me a SMS, she's arriving at her house and she's about to call me...

 

I've just finished talking with her and it was a friendly completely "not pressuring" conversation. It's so hard being unable to tell her how much I miss her and want her by my side again but I guess that that would just be stupid if she wants to have some space.

 

Sounds promising.

 

Keep it up

 

K

[ravenflower]

Yip surround yourself with ppl, do things that make the time go faster. For what its worth you sound like a lovely guy and I'm sure you will be fine either way, this may sound cliche but time is a great healer. I think its good you have set a date, you cannot wait forever as much as you love her she has to love you back equally the same and if she does she will come back to you.

[ravenflower]

the fact she is contacting you is a good sign. Good luck =)

[mr_m4x]

Let's hope it gets solved quickly. When I get too crazy about it I simply read post #15 from KDC1's thread and get back on track, that girl was so right about everything she said.

 

I'm going to bed now, I'll surely be posting tomorrow morning when I'll be unable to take that f***ing virus out of my office computer and thinking that everything is going downhill.

 

Good night/day to everyone

[mr_m4x]

Well, after 2:30 happy hours on a traffic jam on my way to my office I've finally arrived.

 

I spent 1 of those hours on the phone with one a girl friend who went through the same situation before, she had her boyfriend, she cheated on him (her cheating was way more serious than mine), she asked him for some space and finally she went back to him. Right now she wants to marry him. That gave me a little more hope on my situation. Also it gave me a closer girls point of view of the situation, she's been one of my best friends for 10 years now and she completely knows me, she knows how I feel for my GF, how I feel about our relationship and most of all, she cares about me a lot.

 

Also I just spoke with my miss about her thesis submission, nothing serious, not touching the sensitive subject. Again, it's very hard not to tell her how much I love her and miss her, I hope that for our own good this comes to a final soon. Whichever it is.

[MinziGirl]

Give her 3 months. Then see where it is going. A relationship that lasted for so long deserve that 3 months like the benefit of a doubt. It could be that something else is bothering her.

[mr_m4x]

Give her 3 months. Then see where it is going. A relationship that lasted for so long deserve that 3 months like the benefit of a doubt. It could be that something else is bothering her.

 

From what I spoke with my friend I think that she'll probably ask me for some more time to think, go out and have fun on her own, maybe she'll ask me for a break, see what's out there and make a decision based on that. Maybe not. But if she does that, asking me for an extended period of time, I think that I'll go nuts. I just don't want to lose her. It's been almost 3 days and I can't even look at the posibility of getting to October without having an answer. I know that 1 week is a short time compared to what we have together and maybe she needs more time to get unused to the things that we did together, I can understand 1, maybe 2 weeks, but 3 months?

[MinziGirl]

OK... Max 3 months... but you can decide for youself how much time you want to give her.