I'm glad it's been so hard........

[surfjon]

Last night I was thinking of how the last year has affected me.

 

I have come to see, and maybe others will concur, that this incredibly hard time of loss has been the most "alive" time I have ever experienced, let me explain what I mean and I'm interested to see if I'm alone in this.......

 

Everyones experience is different, but a loss is a loss is a loss....

 

It hurts so bad.....

I know the pain I felt when my wife left was and is the realest, most raw and alive experience I have ever had. I felt like raw nerves were unearthed and although it was a terrible feeling, the brutal unadulterated realness of the feelings I had was amazing.

 

I was married 20 years and we all experience the rush one gets when certain life milestones occur, getting married, having kids, special trips, etc....

 

But what I have felt over the last year, although so tough and dark many times, is that I FEEL ALIVE AGAIN!!!!

 

I had so become a sort of "automaton", working, parenting, working, parenting, (repeat....)

 

The loss allowed me to cry, scream, fear, feel remorse and regret, and all at such an incredible level, I didn't think I could take it, but I did.

 

The phases of grief...... yeah, I've done em.

Some of the phases I repeated but I had to. We do what we have to to get by and if we can look at it a bit detached from ourselves we can see how this time may be the realest time we will ever see. The loss and hopelessness have emptied us of ourselves and when we refill, it is all so new and raw and true, it feels amazing.

 

I am glad for what this time has brought me...

I've felt bitter anguish, complete loss, I've felt the cold floor against my face, I have felt the lowest points of emptiness and I wanted to leave this earth.....I've doubted people and all things, cursed the concept of "love" and swore it off.

 

 

But I feel real and alive now, I am ready to love and be loved. I have a renewed love of life and of everyone here with me on this planet.

 

This is the hardest time for us all, but I am so happy I have felt every damn thing.....

[GizMo567]

Congrats Jon and i hope you are recovering well. I read your story and wish you continued success on such a hard road that you had to travel on. Good Luck jon and may that special woman come and sweep you off your feet.

[lostandhurt]

hey Buddy,

Jon, I can't say I am at the point you are at but I feel it coming someday. I have realized that what she did to me did tear my heart wide open though. All the things you spoke of I have felt and more. When the pain and betrayal started to fade I also realized that my heart was wide open and good things were flooding in. I have learned so much about myself and like you I was a machine doing what was expected for my family and friends leaving myself coming in last to everything else.

Like anything done in the extreme it can be harmful to ourselves and others. It is important for everyone to be a little selfish and give to themselves once in a while or risk losing who they are or want to be. Finding the balance has been my biggest challenge as I walk away from the life I once knew into a new beginning.........

 

let us all never forget completely so we stay on the path of our true lives

 

lost

[surfjon]

MissKitty....

I was seeing a girl for a while and wasn't true to myself. I ignored so many red flags, I saw them too. She was so poisonous for me at the end. For a few months, I was crazy about her but eventually the lying and accusations got too much for me. When she finally moved away I was so happy.

 

The last day here, she showed up at my house, bloodied and claiming she tried to kill herself when in reality she had not and had just been on a bender and smacked up her van in a parking garage then rode around all night with a coke dealer..........

 

Yeah, she still calls but I never answer and I just delete the voicemails.

Really poor choice on my part, to let it go on as long as I did.

 

Even though it was crazy and volitile, I felt so alive thru it all and learned alot about where my boundaries are. I'll never again accept what I did from her, no way.

 

Lost, you are right about the "good things pouring in", it feels great when they do!!

I still have lots of hurt at times, but digging the times when those good things rush in!!

[Lugh]

well done surfjon,

 

i understand where your coming from, i feel that i am a much stronger person now after getting through the split up, things that would have upset me or worried me are now dismissed with a shrug.

 

Well I looked my demons in the eye

Laid bare my chest said do your best destroy me

See I've been to hell and back so many times

I must admit you kinda bore me

 

this rings true for me now, i was dropped from a great height and left there, but i recovered and while the journey was hard, when you look back you cant but be proud of yourself.

 

keep it going

[journeynow]

...But what I have felt over the last year, although so tough and dark many times, is that I FEEL ALIVE AGAIN!!!

 

...The loss allowed me to cry, scream, fear, feel remorse and regret, and all at such an incredible level, I didn't think I could take it, but I did.

 

...The loss and hopelessness have emptied us of ourselves and when we refill, it is all so new and raw and true, it feels amazing.

 

...But I feel real and alive now, I am ready to love and be loved. I have a renewed love of life and of everyone here with me on this planet.

 

This is the hardest time for us all, but I am so happy I have felt every damn thing.....

 

Thank you surfjon. I look forward to the day, I know it is there, and I get closer with each day. I appreciate the time you put into a long term marriage, and the patterns that develop that need to be uprooted and rearranged or tossed when it ends.

 

Last week I listened to a Stephen Levine tape on Opening to Grief, and he talks about opening your heart and letting it absorb the pain. Which is good advice. Seems counter-intuitive, but overall it is more painful to resist or to *try* to "get over it." We are human, and loving ourselves for it is a part of our healing.

 

Hugs to you, and cheers!