jujubox Posted January 21, 2004 Share Posted January 21, 2004 hi everyone...i'll try to make this as short as possible. my gf of 9 months broke up wl me 3 months ago. she felt something was missing but i think it was because of our lack of communication...she complained that sometimes we had nothing to say to each other....i didn't think so but it doesn't matter...she did. we had no contact for bout 1 month then i called her up and she told me that she felt that she made the right decision. at that point i gave up on her and told her no contact...she was pretty sad. 1 month later...she texted me happy new year...i was like....ahhh man. few weeks after...she wanted her stuff back so we met up. we had dinner and coffee after just to catch up on things. it felt sooooo great and she looked soooo beautiful....i was like...ahhhh man. it was wonderful...we had so much to say to each other...i even put my arm around her cuz it was cold outside. we joked and laughed...it was great. i was kinda prepared for the dinner....from reading other posts....i realized that i shouldn't beg or plead for her to come back cuz that's only going to drive her away...so i put up a front that i'm happy and have moved on. i told her that if u truly care bout a person..u would let that person go....to try to get her back is selfish....i was lying to her...i really want her back... but she doesn't know that..all she knows is that i'm happy and everything is ok. i didn't show my weakness..i was very confident. she even said i talked more than before when we were together. she even asked me if was interested in anyone. i took her home and hugged and she told me to call her whenever i need her. now....i'm just a basketcase. i didn't realize how much i want her til i saw her that night....ahhh man. now i have this hope that if i play it right...we might just be back together....is this false hope?......am i being stupid? i feel that if we just hang out more she might fall for me again...is this possible? when we broke up....she told me that she still loves me but it was just not working out. she's happy that we could talk. so.....do u think if i just be patient and not contact her for awhile so she can miss me and won't feel suffocated so she can be more at ease. then contact her later....maybe like 2 weeks....and ask her to hang out. do u guys think that's the best way or should i just forget bout her and move on and not have any hope. tell me what u guys think and what i should do cuz i'm sooooo lost...ahhhh man Link to comment
luckystar Posted January 21, 2004 Share Posted January 21, 2004 YESSSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!!!!!!! I am sooooo happy for you!!! you played it perfectly........now DO NOT CONTACT her!!!!!!! Continue with the no contact.......she will contact you.....I PROMISE!....it may not be when you want her to, or it may take her longer than you think, but her curiosity will give in sooner or later and then you have to continue to play it the same way!!!! Happy!!.......do not show her a whiff of neediness or she is GONE!!!!!!!!!!!!! continue with the no contact, and work on yourself knowing that she is yours for the taking in the future if you play your cards right! I give you a decent shot at getting another shot.....but only if you play it cool......once you get her back.....then you can do what is needed to be done....but if there is no relationship to salvage, then you have put all this emotional energy in for nothing........DONT GIVE UP!!! Be strong!! You can do it!! Link to comment
luckystar Posted January 21, 2004 Share Posted January 21, 2004 Pride causes us to try to convince our partners that they are 'wrong', that our way is 'right'. We do this by imposing our beliefs, our thoughts, our wants on them. We try threatening, pouting, coercing, reasoning, begging, pleading, demanding, being sad, being angry - any way we can to get them to see our way. And you know what is happening at the same time? They are doing it, too. They want you to see their way, too - just as much as you want them to see your way! They are using just as many tactics, also: ignoring you, trying to rationalize and reason, being cruel, being obstinate, displaying ignorance, being stubborn, mean, and purposeful. The more each tries to impose their beliefs on the other, the more each is hurt that the other doesn't come around to their way of thinking. You have two opposing sides, and that makes for a no-win situation. And, unfortunately, they are holding the better weapons, because they feel they have nothing to lose! They don't have to give in to you. However, you have to give in to them, because you have no other choice! One way, or another, you are going to lose the fight and give into them - so you might as well be the loser that walks away with your Lost Mate safely back on your side, then the one who walks away with nothing, right? Your pride is keeping you in the fight, and their pride, too, is keeping them in the fight. You have to find a way to get them back on your side, without stripping them of their pride. Plain and simple, in order to win - you have to lose. In order to stop the fight - you have to concede. In order to take victory over your own life - you have to raise the white flag and surrender. That's how you win, by losing. Link to comment
Michael2 Posted January 21, 2004 Share Posted January 21, 2004 Lucky, is dishing out pearls here. Listen and absorb what he has to say. One thing I can add is that many times individuals feel that they arent whole unless they are with another. You have to realize that no one can make you happy unless you are happy yourself. No contact, distance yourself, if not you may be heart broken once again. Link to comment
SF_mike Posted January 21, 2004 Share Posted January 21, 2004 hi jujubox, I'd also take it slow...keep doing no contact and don't get your hopes up. My ex and I got together approx 2 months after she broke up with me...just a friendly couple of beers, catch up session....we got along great still, talked, hugged and even kissed goodbye...I left the meeting feeling like we had turned the corner and perhaps a 2nd chance was coming?? At that point I think I was still in denial...thinking it'd all blow over....When I emailed her the next day about our meeting she said her feelings hadn't changed regarding her decision...she just wasn't ready to jump back into the relationship. I think that's when I started to grasp reality...and start really hurting (and healing). We met another couple of times prior to Xmas (exchanging stuff etc...) and I think each time I hoped deep down it'd be different and she'd have a revelation. I think I've pretty much given up on false hope as of last week (nearly 5 months later). I'm just saying that I thought I read the 'signs' that she'd come back but I was probably forcing myself to see the scenario I created in my head. Sorry to be so long winded.....I say continue no contact....put yourself #1....try not to hold onto false hope as it could knock you back later. If she has the change of heart she'll contact you and you can cross that bridge then. Good luck! Mike Link to comment
jujubox Posted January 21, 2004 Author Share Posted January 21, 2004 thanks people for all those great advice.....luckystar, u always have informative inputs....sfmike, i have followed ur posts and i feel for u cuz i know how painful it is to want something that doesn't want u back. i agree no contact is good but how long should i keep this up.....i thought the more times we hang out the more chances that she's going to realize "hey he's actually fun to be with so maybe i was wrong"....what do u guys think? plus me ex is very stubborn....she has alot of pride....it wil take alot for her to call me....does no contact still work here? i know i have to move on at the same time but some reason i just feel that the more times we see each other the closer we're going to get...what do u guys think?...thanks guys...u guys r great. Link to comment
luckystar Posted January 21, 2004 Share Posted January 21, 2004 read my first response to you in this thread.....and then read it again.....and again......and again...... she will contact you......dont worrry about that.....you are NOT in the right frame of mind now......you can only fake it for so long.....the neediness will come out if you dont get rid of it.....and then she will be gone again....right now....she needs to figure out for herself when SHE wants to see you next......dont GAMBLE with your relationship/reconciliation!!!.....if you contact her.....that is what you are going to be doing......let her contact you.....and you can respond accordingly..... good luck I am on day 23 of 60...for no contact.......and if she contacts me before....i may even ignore it the first time......depending on what she has to say.....these games suck, but are necessary to "get them back"......only after you get them back......can you begin to work on the relationship issues between you.....in the meantime.....work on yourself!!!! Link to comment
jujubox Posted January 22, 2004 Author Share Posted January 22, 2004 hi luckystar.....i guess i'll try not to contact her and move on at the same time but i have a question for u...when u said 60 days of no contact...why did u pick that number and what r u planning to do after 60 days if ur ex doesn't call? Link to comment
Michael2 Posted January 23, 2004 Share Posted January 23, 2004 I think the problem with "no contact" is that people believe there is a set time frame. On the contrary, "no contact" may take many months, and some times years. This can scare people, because they believe their partner might forget about them, but this is RARELY ever the case. You have to let it be, if you love this other person, then let them go. Difficult to swallow but ever so true Once you are healed, then you know you can halt the no contact. Until then live and breathe NO CONTACT. Link to comment
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