My boyfriend confuses me! Why does he do this?

[DMRB]

My boyfriend has NO friends. He's almost 28 years old, he has a full time job and he's going to college. He used to hang out with this 20-21 year old guy that he worked with at his old job, and he went to maybe 3 parties at this guys house, and that's all he had hung out with him. I would get mad because I think it's weird that he's 28 and he's hanging out with the young "partying" crowd. I'm 22, and I want nothing to do with the partying scene. I guess I can kind of understand, that he never did any of those things and he feels like he missed out so he wants to now - and he just wants friends, but I think it's immature for his age.

 

So, he was *thinking* about calling this guy and seeing if WE could go to his house next Saturday night. I already told him that I don't even know this guy and I don't want to just "hang out" at his house - and then he said WE could go to this club with him and hang out...So here is what I need help with:

 

1) Why do WE have to hang out with this guy? Why can't he go by himself?

 

2) Next weekend will be the first time in 12 days I get to even see my boyfriend (we work opposite schedules/live far apart/etc.) Is it wrong that I am a tad bit disappointed that he's thinking about hanging out with somebody else? ...of course, he does want ME to go.

 

3) He suggested going to the club (which I was told is a dirty place, and he didn't know that) but it upsets me because he said that he is done drinking, he's on antidepressants and drinking gives him bad side effects, even after 1 beer. And i KNOW that if he goes to this kids house he'll drink - he'll have to fit in with what everyone else is doing...

 

He says I'm anti-social, I'm NOT anti-social, I told him if we were going to dinner or something, then fine I'd go, and I would go to the club if he really wanted to, but because of the drinking thing, it makes me upset and I don't want to turn into a b*tch when I'm there, because I know I will if he drinks more than 2 or 3 beers.

[Gratsy]

it sounds more like you're just personally finding him to be incompatible with you.

 

I didn't party when I was 22 and I still think partying is dumb, but if he is hanging out with that crowd, there really isn't anything wrong with it just b/c he's 28.

[annie24]

have you told him - 'hey hun, i haven't seen you in a while, i was hoping we could spend a quite night in alone?'

[DMRB]

...i guess it's because most guys I know in their late 20's are married and starting a family...Not that I want to be married or anything, I guess we really just have different social interests. We don't usually do things with other people besides his family. Is it weird to have separate social circles?

[DMRB]

He knows that I want to spend time alone...and thats what we ALWAYS do. I'm sure he wants to get out and do something together instead of just staying home, and I do too, and because we're both broke, hanging out at someone's house sounds like a good idea, but I'm just not into the whole scenario.

[annie24]

do you think you guys are compatible?

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Okay, this was someone he used to work with...people form friendships with people from work and the age is irrelevant...just because he is with this 21 year old doesn't mean he himself is acting wild and crazy. It sounds to me like it is more that you resent him having this friend because you are so used to him having no friends and you being the centre of his universe. Sounds like the issue is that you don't want to share him with others. Do you know for a fact that he drinks a lot when with this person? It is his life and his choice to make...you can choose whether or not this relationship is working for you.

[shy2cool]

Sorry to go off on a bit of a tangent, but did him not having any friends affect his attractiveness to you?

[DMRB]

I know I'm making a bigger deal out of this than I should. I love this man, he loves me, we've been together for over 3 years. I admit that I am really insecure. I know part of it is definitely the fact that i've never had to share his time with any one. It's always been me. I also know that he has to fit in, so if everyone is drinking, he's going to drink.

 

I'm not going to tell him he can't do something though, he's a big boy, he can make his own decisions. Fighting about this is ridiculous. I don't understand why I HAVE to go with him. He said he won't go if I'm not going.

 

Our conversation went in a different direction, so he never said if he is going to call the guy or not. I don't want anyone to get the wrong idea though, this wasn't some huge fight we had, actually, we don't really fight much at all, when we start arguing about something we always end up joking around and laughing. We have a great relationship, it's just been really hard on me since we went from living with each other (during the first year of our relationship) to living apart 45 minutes away (2nd year), to living 45 minutes apart and working opposite shifts. None of it was by choice, it's just what we have been forced to do because of our careers and financial situations. We're closer now than we have ever been, but even though I know things are great, I'm still afraid of drifting apart.

[bijoux27]

I don't think there's anything wrong with what he suggested to do. At 28 he is not "too old" to be going to parties, especially if he doesn't have many friends.

 

If you don't want to do it, though, that's your choice. He's nice enough to want to include you.