Oh dad...

[kittysaysmeow]

I'm 26 years old and I'm still deeply affected by the way my father still treats me.

 

Here's some background:

- my father has anger issues and has been diagnosed with PTSD.

- when we were kids, he use to treat us like "solders". His way or the highway. he would yell at us to make us scared of him.

- i actually don't remember much about my father except he worked night shifts, was not responsible for our upbringing, and was emotionally abusive.

- I remember my father punching me in the face. I passed out. I woke up to my mother screaming at him. The reason I was hit? I climbed up a piece of furniture. I was 5 or 6 years old.

 

Fast forward about 10 years ago and he's been diagnosed with PTSD, on meds, and seeing a psychiatrist. His moods have gotten better (meaning he doesn't put the fear of god into us every time he's in a bad mood) but he still has his "moods".

 

Most of the time he's actually ok to be around. But it's those few times that still hurt me. I was just speaking to my mother on the phone and all of a sudden he starts to yell. It's directed at me. I don't even know why. I was just talking about my day to my mom. After I got off the phone, I cried. I'm crying now.

 

How do I stop his "moods", his anger, his words from hurting me. I need this to stop. I can't handle it anymore.

[tina-rocks]

Im sorry you are dealing with this situation.

 

I know how you feel though believe me.

 

My mother has a foul temper and has always been abusive and used to go to town on my sister and I when we were young. I know what it's like to feel scared honestly.

 

You do not deserve to be treated this way by any other human being even if it is your parent. I understand he has a condition so there are factors to consider too in this case but I ended up telling my Mother exactly how I felt and although the result was not expected I feel better for it.

 

I know this sounds like a rambling reply and not useful but do yourself a favour let him know his comments hurt you so he is at least aware is this can eat you up inside.

 

I prey you find a solution to this soon and my heart goes out to you

 

 

Tina

[tiredofvampires]

How do I stop his "moods", his anger, his words from hurting me. I need this to stop. I can't handle it anymore.

 

The first thing you have to realize here is that you absolutely cannot and will not stop his moods, his anger, his mental illness or just plain hostility towards you or the world. These things come as a package with the person he is. I know you'd desperately like to see it be different -- because after all, he IS your father, and you only get one of those -- but it's not going to change. It has been this way for 26 years and it will be this way for the next, or whenever he leaves this earth.

 

So plan B: you've got to start working on the other piece, which is trying to find ways to avert interactions with him. This can be very hard, if you have financial, practical ties to your parents still and speak to them apart from just social or moral support reasons (such as wanting a normal mother-daughter talk). What sort of dependence do you still have on them at this age where you'd need to talk to either of them? And what sort of relationship do you have with your mother -- is it something you'd like to salvage from this? Is she anything of a good support for you? If so, you might need to employ her sympathy and help (though she sure hasn't done much to keep you from this harmful man so far, so she doesn't get any cigar from me) to figure out a way you can talk to her without his overhearing or being present to inject himself in any way, at any point. And if you need their help with something, minimize how much his input is involved; otherwise, curtail all your contact with them. The best solution to this is to remove yourself from the equation as thoroughly as you can, leaving only the points of contact that are necessary (which should be minimal at this point in your life if you are able to support yourself), and outside of those, strategize how and when to contact them so that he simply isn't there.

 

I would try to give you some easy advice like "just block out his yelling and critical/mean/etc. behavior by realizing that he has no sway in your life from here on," if you must speak to your mom, but having grown up in that same environment myself, I know that verbal, emotional abuse runs very deep and creates a toxic dynamic even if you try to anesthetize yourself to it. I grew up with a father who raged, who expected the impossible, who criticized, yelled (so loud the windows just about shook, sometimes in our faces and ears, which felt like an assault in and of itself), and had the same "my way or the highway attitude" and when we would cry from it, he'd taunt us for crying or tell us that no one would "stand for us". He threatened many times to not like or love me anymore, called us names, and said (even when NOT angry but rather just in a pensive mood) that he would have not had us, if he could go back in time, but now he's just trying to make the best of it.

 

I thought I would liberate myself by the time I was out of college (though all through college I was still under his thumb, as they were supporting me partially, financially and materially), but I fell very ill around that time, and so at your age I was still dependent upon them when I should have really been severing everything. I was in a no-win situation, because I was not able to stand on my own feet in any respect.

 

Fifteen years later now, my father is gone, he died 2 years ago. And I still hurt from the things that he said and did. I often think of them as scars, but in ways they are still wounds healing slowly over time, and sometimes they are rubbed raw by things that remind me of it all. So this is going to be a long healing process with you...and it starts with extricating yourself as much as humanly possible.

 

Long before my father got ill, I was out of their immediate sphere of influence because I got my own place, but I still had ties to them...and would get into things like you're describing on the phone. Sometimes I'd hear him shouting in the background, either at me or my mom, who had learned how to "tune him out" and "turn him into a barking dog." Well, that was her coping strategy, it wasn't mine. I was just reminded again and again of the injustice and pain of my whole childhood when such things happened, so I was not in a position to "tune him out", despite her urgings to do so.

 

So I will not say you can tune him out or just "not let his comments hurt you." I suggest:

 

1. As above, make sure your contacts are well-planned and that your mom at least speaks to you in a private room with her phone

 

2. Don't go there if you can help it

 

3. Minimize and ideally eliminate ALL types of material dependency on him, and them, so they have nothing to lord over you

 

4. If he should intervene in things START TO SEE HIM AS A PERSON WHO IS ILL, WHO HAS REAPED SOME PRETTY POOR KARMA, AND WHO YOU SHOULD FEEL SORRY FOR AND CULTIVATE COMPASSION FOR HIM, BECAUSE HE'S CREATED MISERY IN THIS WORLD FOR HIMSELF AND OTHERS, AND THAT'S A BAD WAY TO SPEND YOUR ONE LIFE

 

This last one is a spiritual leap -- and it's much harder to do if you have any dealings with him that drag you into the toxic quagmire. But that is why you need to stand back to have distance from it, to be able to see that indeed, you now are your own being and he is his, you are not an extension of him anymore (though you were as a child)...and now that you are individuated and separate from him as a person, you can look upon him as stuck in his own pool of you-know-what and turn your hurt for yourself into seeing how bad he has it, as a person. If you can do this, it is probably the most emotionally healing thing you can do, and this is something that can be a powerful tool the rest of your life when you feel overcome by the scars. Even if you never talk to him again or see him, or he dies, there will be times you are filled with anger and hurt, and if you can pull out this compassion, to just turn the tables so that he is the one hurting in your mind, not you -- you will wash yourself of the stain and see it as his. That's been my savior.

 

My heart goes out for your healing and autonomy.