How Do I Stop Feeling Like This

[IGC89]

Hello, i am new here and would like to ask some advice on how to stop feeling like i do about a certain person in my life.. i apologise for the length of this, but i feel i need to tell the whole story.

 

Last year, in the final year of my college, i met a girl on my school bus... she was 15 (now 16) and i was 18 (soon to be 19) we met through a friend and we got on very well... it wasnt long before i fell for her... i will admit that. but i knew that i never had a chance with her, so i focused on being her friend, and put all my energies into that.

 

However, my feelings for her grew and grew, and i was getting increasingly frustrated that i was only spending 20 minutes a day with her (on the school bus home) the problem was, that we didnt have an awful lot in common so we didnt really have fantastic conversations all the time. but i cared a lot for her... especially as she had confided in me.

 

At the end of the year, she gave me a card saying goodbye, and i was touched to tears at the fact she actually did care about me (i had been pndering for months whether she did actually care about me or not) i had a speech ready to give to her on the last day, about how i wanted to keep in touch and how she could talk to me if ever she wanted and blah blah balh... but she didnt even sit near me on that last bus journey... i was absolutely devastated, and it took me a month to get over it.

 

I have had no contact with her over the summer, as i hadnt managed to give her any of my contact details (she had my mobile number but i knew she wouldnt use it) I knew it was her birthday on the monday just gone, so i sent her a card with my e-mail address written inside...

 

As monday came i felt like a bag of nerves... by tuesday, i still hadnt heard from her, and i was absolutely depressed to the core... i was distraught that she had 'chosen' to ignore me. However, it turns out she couldnt read my handwriting and contacted one of my friends... i Spoke to her on MSN last night.

 

I was delighted to speak to her again, my hands were sweaty as i typed and i was excited... Problem was, my feelings came back... and i dont want them to... becuase I KNOW nothing could EVER happen between us... and more importantly, I WANT a friendship with her, becuase she is such a kind, sweet person. She is in a relationship too, which doesnt make me feel great. I want to have a good friendship with this person, but how on earth do i make these feelings go away... i am really struggling?

 

Again sorry for the length and thank you in advance for any advice if you manage to trawl through this.

[ChaosOrder]

I can say that I'm in a similar situation myself.

I met a girl during my 2nd year at university and almost instantly started liking her, although she had a boyfriend and so I decided to just be friends with her. Thing is, my feelings for her kept growing but at the same time we became much closer as friends, and so it was becoming much harder to show her my feelings.

After university (and about 2 years after meeting her) I managed to pluck up the courage to tell her that I loved her (this was literally one week ago) and she apologised for not feeling the same way, and that she did suspect that I had feelings for her but didn't want to say anything. I was gutted, but still wanted to be her friend. Then two days later there was a night out with me, her and a few friends. I was distraught when she started coming on to one of my best friends when they both knew about my feelings for her. Long story short, I ended up hitting him and now our friendship is a bit 'edgy' at the moment. I then had an online conversation with her about it and agreed that if we wanted to be just friends again that I would have to get over my feelings for her and not contact her until I had. This was 4 days ago and I don't even know where to start.

I must ask, have you told her how you feel? I know it may seem like an old cliche but the longer you leave it the more your feelings are likely to grow for her and the harder it will be to handle it if she rejects you. Looking back, if I'd have told this girl long ago before my feelings had gotten so strong then I probably wouldn't be in quite an awkward situation. It's likely that you'd find it very hard to tell her in person, so my advice would be to do something like constructing an email or online message describing your feelings since this is how I managed to expose my feelings. (I had planned many times to tell in person and phone her but I always chickened out)

Of course, I don't know how strong your feelings are or whether or not she will feel the same way, but even if she has a boyfriend right now you have got to let her know before this ends up eating away at you even more.

I wish you all the best.

[IGC89]

I must ask, have you told her how you feel? I know it may seem like an old cliche but the longer you leave it the more your feelings are likely to grow for her and the harder it will be to handle it if she rejects you.

 

Of course, I don't know how strong your feelings are or whether or not she will feel the same way, but even if she has a boyfriend right now you have got to let her know before this ends up eating away at you even more.

I wish you all the best.

 

One thing is for sure i will NEVER tell her... yes, my feelings are reasonably strong (but not as bad as they used to be) but i dont wanna ruin things at all.

 

Maybe if i find love on day then these feelings will go then... and i can truly concentrate on being her friend... i dunno... i hate feelings sometimes!

[ChaosOrder]

One thing is for sure i will NEVER tell her... yes, my feelings are reasonably strong (but not as bad as they used to be) but i dont wanna ruin things at all.

 

Maybe if i find love on day then these feelings will go then... and i can truly concentrate on being her friend... i dunno... i hate feelings sometimes!

 

I think the problem with not telling her your feelings is that if the two of you are on a different page, then there'll end up being some confusion between the two of you. Not so long ago, the girl that I metioned would say certain things to me about other guys that she liked, (the main one being the friend that she came on to during the night out I mentioned) things that felt upsetting to me, and indeed when I told her my feelings she apologised for saying these things and that if she had known she would've been more considerate. What I'm saying is, if she were to know your feelings then she could take certain steps so that you wouldn't get emotionally hurt. I know that I mentioned in my story that the girl came on to one of my friends, but she could easily have started making out with him and being overly affectionate which she didn't do, and she does feel really guilty about her actions.

Mainly, she will understand if you need some space or if you need some sympathy. If you felt uncomfortable with seeing her or speaking to her, she would understand exactly why. I've tried to get over my feelings, keep my secret and stay a friend at the same time and it just doesn't work, you need to tackle each problem separately, even if it means not contacting her for a long while, much like in my situation.

I know that you've said that you don't want to tell her, but really there's not much else that I can recommend. I can't say that I like the situation that I'm in right now. The thing is though, if you try and keep this secret then you'll only make it worse for yourself in the long run. What if I'd not told her my feelings and she'd made out with my friend, maybe even slept with him, and not had an inkling that this would hurt me? I'd have been absolutely crushed beyond belief and would have felt worse than I do now.

Even if you still think that you won't tell her, at least do this: type or write up a message to her, describing how you feel about her, telling her of how you want to be friends, and whatever else you think needs saying. If you nver send it, then you never send it, but if the time ever comes when you really think that you need to tell her then you have a message all ready for that day. The experience of casually chatting about a secret that you've hidden for so long is strangely gratifying and you'll feel as if a great weight has been lifted from you.

As for ways to take your mind off her, maybe join the gym or try new sports. I've taken up swimming recently to take my mind off things and it really does help you to focus on completely unrelated things.

If you think that you need to delve a little deeper into your story (why you won't tell her etc.) then feel free to do so also cos I'll be sure to comment since I've had such a similar experience. (In fact, the reason I joined was to make a thread about it but then I saw yours)

I just hope that you have found my input helpful and that you can resolve your situation.