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Complicated but also simple? Step in to give me some advice


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Hello all,


I just joined the forum but I've been lurking for some time now. This is my shameless plug but hello! I have a situation that is basic but different in many ways to other threads I've seen on this site. I hope for any positive advice if you can.


I just got out of a 2.5 year relationship with a girl who was DEEPLY in love with me. As some of you would describe it, she was nearly obsessed. Did everything for me that I could ask for which is absolutely normal and amazing, but she was doing 80% of the relationship essentially. I was young and didn't realize what was there until I lost her a month ago (beginning of August). Btw, We're both undergraduate students finishing off our last year and moving on to grad school. Here's where I'll start:


I get a phone call from her asking for us to "talk." I respond and we talk over a movie. This is when I hear the infamous "I've decided I need to do things for myself" and "I need ME time" and so on and so fourth. I acted calm because I didn't realize what was going on. She followed up with saying she "fell out of love with me three months ago" and isn't in love with me anymore but still loves me. Yup, she had three months to grow away from me. At this point, she describes that she still wants to be friends (we were basically BEST friends in the relationship) and continue everything except for the relationship aspect of it "which will be a change for us but we can make this happen" she says. I took it like a grain of salt and went on my way.


Some background:

We had a very mature and strong relationship when we were together. Lived together at one point and bought a pet together, talked over the phone nearly every day at least a couple times, and only fought over simple moody things, nothing serious. She is VERY smart and so am I but I don't "apply" myself to my potential she says which is part of the reason she broke me off. "At this point I don't see a future in us but if you change I can see us together down the road. You are my soul mate." You know the drill. She was always the more passionate and affectionate one, I rarely did that.



It started to hit me and I began to act DESPERATE. Which I never cared for in the relationship, I was passive basically. I was the definition of that word and didn't understand that until four straight days of crying and promising to change. It came to the point where she had to create a remedy for us to talk every other day and meet only once a week. Complete turn off, I know. This was my peak of annoyance. I was heart broken. I slowly started to back off only because I spoke with a friend who told me to move on and better myself. Fast forward to two weeks, where I've regained my confidence and we were in contact as "friends." Although it still hurt to be friends, it also felt as though I could heal our relationship. I believe there was a rebound or "testing waters" type of deal but that fell through for her which I feel like is an advantage to me, perhaps only lasted three weeks of just calls and texts. Unfortunately, I never played the NC role but we are both VERY important to each other and I feel like NC would be a bit childish. Instead of NC, I knew how to keep my cool and showed my confidence when need be. I knew to not always pick up her calls or just plain and simple, NOT be readily available for her. We slowly started to talk like we did in the relationship(w/o the I LOVE YOU's) and did things that felt right (this included being physical) by the thirdish week of our breakup. I still didn't feel totally perfect.


From the day of annoyance all the way 'til now, things have became substantially better. In fact, it is almost more enjoyable than our past relationship but we obviously don't say "I love you" when we part. I still want her, but I'm not sure what her feelings are. She has changed from "I need space" to "come over and watch a movie with me." Sure, she is still attached but I feel like I have a chance. It is now close to the 6th week and we've started to kiss on the lips when we meet or leave each other when two weeks ago it was only smooches on the cheeks. What does this mean? Also, they are fairly emotional kisses, not just pecks per se. I am confused because it is very close to a relationship status just without the "baby, I miss you" or the "I'm thinking of you" splurges. She likes to explain it as "we do things that feel right." She also here and there says "I hope you're not doing any of this to intentionally try to get me back." I don't want to put myself in a predicament where this keeps us as friends only. Am I doing anything that will break my chances? The last week or so, I've let her initiate and me respond in a smooth and cool fashion, rather than jumping in to whatever she says. This past weekend, we spent together exactly like we would during our relationship. I just can't figure out what to do next but I certainly won't rush things. Is this a new beginning or a patch for our last relationship?


More complicated...

She is in my CLASS that has less than ten students. thereforee I cannot do NC or LC. I need some other ideas. People would describe us as BF and GF because we're very social in class towards each other.


1) What would hurt my situation and what would help. Any ideas?


2) I never showed affection or passion in the relationship, is it weird that I do that now? Would she enjoy that seeing that it never existed before?


3) I'm keeping my composure, when should I start really figuring things out between us aka talk to her about it?


4) I feel like her mindset is to not be in a relationship with me but she obviously shows different. Should I give space (in this case, an "I'm busy maybe later" response) or should I be around her to build a new beginning.


5) Should I make her realize she no longer has me or is that too harsh at this moment? Right now, I feel like I've worked my way to her and I don't want to come accross as harsh/disappointing.


Ultimately, I've learned what is attractive and what is a turn off in times like this. From reading other stories on this forum, I've applied it to my situation and it seems like it's been of great help. My story is a tad different, but essentially similar with the basics of a relationship. I obviously can tell that this positive progression is taking it's place since the break up, but I don't want it to end here. I can't tell if I can play my cards better here. She means a lot to me and I can use some tips and advice to help my situation.


Thanks in advance!

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wow, you have some complicated channels running through this one.


you see each other, hang out, it's almost like being in the relationship. BUT-i get this feeling that it's probably too good to be true & that she may jerk the rug out from under you if you lean in too far.


she's doing everything but saying hey-we're together. she did break it off, right? she's the one who's asking you to come over & watch movies...how much of a say do you have in deciding what you guys do?


my feeling is that she has you where she wants you & she has the power right now-if you brought up patching things up officially, she might push you away and you'll be in total friend zone.


being that you see each other in school, it makes things dicey. if i were you, i'd proceed with caution & think about maybe putting a little distance between you, for yourself. not NC, but less contact...but that's just me


good luck!

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I feel like I have a lot of say, I keep myself busy and occupied at times when she wants to hang out. I control myself even though it's very tempting to hang out and be around her.


For instance, would it be a bad idea to call her when she doesn't call me (when she said she would) and keep it brief? For some reason I think she might be testing me to see if I will actually call her instead...

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honestly, i think you are both playing games with each other and you both need to cut the bull * * * * and start communicating your feelings. you say you are both mature, yet it sounds to me like you are both fighting for control of the situation, each of you is trying to gain the upper hand.


why not suck up your pride and just tell her that you feel you have changed, that you no longer take her for granted and that you want to put into the relationship as much as you get out of it.


i just sense that you are both playing with each other right now and while there is always some sort of gamesmanship in relationships, it should never be this blatant

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I tend to over analyze things for the most part, especially things I have no control over. I just don't want to make a move that will push her away. Six weeks might not suffice the amount of time to successfully get back in or start a new relationship.


How can I casually bring up feelings without putting anything at risk?

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I disagree with backing off. She told you she wanted a different relationship than the old one, saying if you changed etc.


Well, to her you're changing - being more affectionate and attentive when you're together. She is keeping you at arms length with the verbal commitment because, IMO, she may think that if you get too comfortable you'll revert back.


Just chill out, enjoy it and keep on stepping up. A new relationship will feel different to the old one. This feels different. Be confident about her actions, without needing verbal clarification.


Good luck

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I understand why you're a bit confused on this. It seems like everything is going great until every now and then she says something that spears your heart..like" i hope you're not doing this intentionally..." (which you are) and " we shouldn't be doing this" (which you're thinking- oh yes we should!) The only advice i could give you is that if she's willing to spend time with you and you don't initiate it then you have a great chance of getting her back. Face it most of us on this forum would kill to be in you're shoes as most of us are in the NC phase and hoping our ex would call us. Now, the most important thing is to MAKE your ex want you. That means keeping her guessing about you and not just being the same old joe she used to be with. Perfect example- my ex likes country music, I prefer rap/hip hop. You could imagine her reaction when i ran into her at a country club in town ( I knew she would be there) and i was doing the two-step. She kept asking " I didn't know you like country? and How many times have you been here? It honestly caught her completely off guard because the guy she thought she knew so well was doing something she never thought he'd do. I became somewhat of a mystery to her again and made the playing field much more interesting. How many times have you read on here that girls love a challenge, its true. If you're not making your ex THINK, you're not really getting anywhere. Hope this helps...

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Great read Sparkie and lovethyself!!!


I think you guys both have great points. I don't want to play "games" but I certainly read over my moves a plethora of times before committing to things with her and make sure things are "smooth."


I agree with you Sparkie about being confident and letting things go the way they are with a step up each time. Only thing that worries me is that I am afraid she is "talking" to someone else, I mean, most of us worry about this but until we are officially together, there's not much I can do or say to prevent this. I think a bit of reinforcement here and there helps and her physical side shows but not the verbal. It almost feels as though she wants to say "I love you" when we kiss goodbye... which is starting to become a daily factor!


Lovethyself! Great tips you've got. I'm into hip hop myself and she's into reading... I think I've got something in mind!


So far so good, she's invited me over tonight (actually, I initiated a night last night with confidence and it went well but we both were tired and slept for our morning class) and wants a raincheck. To be honest, most of her actions occur when I'm not bombarding her and just doing my own things as if we are just friends... laugh....talk... enjoy. Sometimes, things really do fall in place.


I'll keep you guys updated!

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Just remember, nobody can predict the future. All you can do is be the best you can be, and be happy with that. And hopefully, she will respond.


I've been in your shoes and was desperate to know 'how it was going to end'. Would it all work out....


Believe me, just being confident, relaxing and being myself worked a treat. When I pushed for answers, she pulled back.


If she talks to someone else, then there's nothing you can do about that. But you can value and respect yourself, and say enough is enough at any point you choose. Just make sure you are sure of your facts, and don't act on fabricated bs.


And my main point: don't stop implementing changes. I won my ex back, totally. From 'maybe we can be friends in a year or so' to living with me. But I hadn't mastered the changes I needed to make, and I messed it up, and now she's gone. YOU are number one. Get that right, at all costs.

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