I don't want to feel so needy with him

[Riley99]

If you love him as much as it seems you do, then be patient with him. Put very little expectations on him and DO YOUR OWN THING, have your own life. Be happy. His words seem to indicate that you have expectations, and if you do, then just silence them as much as you can. Guys respond positively to NO PRESSURE AND NO EXPECTATIONS, but run when its the other way around.

 

I have a great job and am very secure financially. My boyfriend is 5 years younger and just started med school. He lives with his parents (but in a studio type apt). He is really self conscious about NOT having money too, and being in debt, and not being able to buy me nice things or take me out. I act like it does not phase me one bit (it really doesnt). Sometimes I can tell it gets him down, if he wants to eat something expensive, or wants to go to a concert, or wants something, and then he will say, no I dont want it, I shouldn't be wanting things like that if I have no money. I tell him that I'll just get it for him, I don't want him to feel deprived, but he won't -- definitely a male ego thing. He has also said he doesn't want to eat out because it is expensive and when I buy him things he actually gets very awkward, becuase he doesn't like me taking care of him that much - he doesn't want to feel dependent on me. Your boyfriend's comments sound VERY familiar to me. I've learned to listen to things he says, when he says my buying things for him is pushing him away, then I stop. I know that sometimes he DOES want to pay for a meal, so I will pay more frequently, but I will let him always get the tip, or get one out of every few meals. It's really me pushing the eating out, becuase it is easier for our schedules.

 

So I think - just lay off a bit, don't expect anything out of the relationship, out of him -- and he will come around. That's what I'm hoping for with my boyfriend, and I think it really does work. I put little or no pressure on him, and it makes BOTH of us happier.

[junebirthday]

i kind of agree with Riley about the "low" expectations, but before you even ENTER into a relationship you have to know what you will and will not tolerate as far as behavior goes. Someone that does not put any effort into moving the relationship forward and the woman or man who stays with that person is NOT in a healthy place. There must be reasonable expectations.

 

Some people are just "in" a relationship. You sound like you need to be with someone who will help to "build" a relationship. HUGE DIFFERENCE.

 

T

[Riley99]

That's a good point. What I should have said was that you should have LOW expectations because it prevents you and him from getting your feelings down or feeling pressured, but you shouldn't have NO expectations to the point where he is taking you for granted and walking all over you. A fine line, even for me.