No Contact Rule & Birthdays?

[benevolent]

I've been doing the "no contact rule" for close to 3 months now. It is harder since I still see her kids, but I've still tried. I must admit that I have broken the rule a few times and sent her an e-mail or two which in turn left to numerous e-mails being exchanged between us that day. Nothing serious in the e-mails - just generic stuff and some mild flirtation.

 

In any case, her birthday is approaching and I would like to see her and spend some time with her. I understand that is a big no no, but we kind of share a special sentiment when it comes to bithdays. Is this a wise move or am I going to have to go back to square one again?

 

Some of my female friends have suggested no, while others have said yes, but make it brief so that she'll know that you remembered her, to have her miss those past birthday moments, etc. Even link removed suggested not forgetting her birthday:

 

link removed

 

Some have even suggested to me that I should stop this no-contact rule. Why? Since we our both stubborn and ego/pride driven, it's like a game and we are both willing to see who would hold out the longest. It's as if we are just playing a cruel trick on each other - all for the sake of pride and holding out. I don't know...this is just an example of how difficult it can be going through the no-contact phase. People have told me to fight for her and knock that stubborness out of her head.

 

I still want to see her though. She has said that I am welcome back to her house anytime and there are so many times where I just want to take advantage of that.

 

I need reassurance.

[Chupa Chup]

hi

 

i know how hard it is to have the no contact rule. its only been 2 weeks for me and already i am beginining to have no contact withdrawal symptoms. the loneliness and emptiness without him in my life is really starting to kick in and affect me. however, i am not going to call him or email him for his b'day because i have said everything i have wanted to say to him. he's not in the same country as well (he went back overseas to work) so its easier for me not to see him.

 

but i know his b'day is coming up in 3 weeks time and i'm also thinking if i should let him know that i'm still thinking about him and do something thoughful for his b'day by mailing him something overseas. (we broke up rather amicably)

 

i am torn between getting him something and not getting him something. what does your heart tell you? my heart tells me that even though we're not together, i'd still like to show him that i can forgive him for what he's done and that i still do care for him no matter what. so what do you think? to give or not to give??

 

what do the rest of you think? would be great to get some advise on this. thanks so much you guys...

[DiglyD]

I chose not to send my ex b-day wishes, since her b-day was the very next day or day right after that, the last time we saw each other and slept together, and she refused to give the relationship another try. (a week after our breakup). She complained about how hard her birthday was going to be but I chose not to call her or say anything since she told me she wansted me out of her life. I think she wanted me to comfort her like I normally did but I did not do it. Plus all my friends threatened to kick my butt if I called her so I told them I wouldn't.

 

However...

 

For xmas I sent my ex a 2 line note that said. I hope you are well. Merry Xmas and a Happy New year. I wish you the best this new year and that you find all the happiness that you seek.

 

I just wanted to wish her the best.

 

She never reeplied and that alone was very painful. I know you want to do good,but be prepared that if your ex does not respond you will be hurt more then if you did not send anything.

 

Silence hurts. if you give a gift or send a card or call and your good intentions will be thrown away its rejection all over again and you are back to where you started for the next few days or weeks or months.

 

In my humble opinion I think it would be to your advantage not to say anything and just move on. Become scarce. Don't break the no contact rule.

[The Morrigan]

madcat brings up a very good point.

 

If you're at all hoping it'll have some profound effect, or have any scenario in your head that you'll be breaking the barrier of silence and making an impression - don't do it. There's about 4 basic possibilities that can come out of it - and only one that would make you feel better, or not get more tangled if it's at all, even the littlest bit, in hope of anything happening.

 

Scenario #1: The one you're hoping for, anything from tearful to grateful to receptive "aww thanks for remembering" "I didnt think you'd remember" or "I'm so glad to hear from you." Ok, if that happened - what then? Have you resolved anything? Will you always wonder if they cared enough to get in touch with you first since they did the breaking up? And remember, this is the BEST response you could get!

 

Scenario #2: The lukewarm "thanks for the wishes, hope you're having a nice life, cya." If you have any hopes for the first... you're gonna feel like crap. Total crap. Like what was a big deal to you is brushed aside as dust off his or her boots. Can we say "trampled?"

 

Scenario #3: Completely ignoring your gesture. See #2, same deal. What is a nice thing to you gets ignored and brushed aside - if you wanted any kind of acknowledgement, you will feel like mud. Sludge. Worthless. Sound like a place you want to be?

 

Scenario #4: Anger. While a casual "happy bday" isn't usually met this way - if your ex is oversensitive, or still looking for you to do something possessive? Yep, it CAN happen. And you're not going to feel too great if you're accused of looking for a way "in" or obssessing, especially if you're still questioning yourself for your motives cause you haven't finished healing. The grain of truth can eat away at whatever confidence or healing you've been able to do.

 

Unless you can explore your feelings and honestly say you're only doing it for you, and their reaction doesn't matter one way or the other, your first responsibility has to be to protect your own feelings - you've been through enough, so make absolutely sure it's in YOUR best interests, ok?

[Chupa Chup]

hi you guys

 

thanks for taking the time to give some advice... i am now seriously considering weather i should really send something to him... i think not after reading through your posts.

 

however, the initial purpose is just to let him know that i'm still nice and thoughtful enough to send him something and i never wanted any "thank you" or phone calls / emails from him thanking me.

 

i just want to give him his present (mailing it overseas) and not expect ANY thanks or any kind of contact. i will make it known in a short note i write to him.

 

does that make a difference??

[firecrackerpri]

i just did break the rule only after 4 days but wrote him a brief happy bday take care over a social network ... and i feel i want to hang myself to my ceiling right now!

 

if it's over then it's over and don't break the no contact rule if they can't figure out where you stand in their life.

[WomanWriter]

If you're the one who dumped her (and there was no abuse involved), you can ask her to do something. Can't hurt.

 

If you're the dumpee or were emotionally/physically abused, don't bother!

[Anyway]

I need reassurance.

 

I can assure you that it's best to not contact her even if it's her birthday.

[Rob1000]

It's this simple folks. Sending a birthday greeting to an ex is not going to have any bearing on whether you ever get back together with them. If they ever wanted to come back, a birthday text or no birthday text will not have been a decisive factor. In my opinion, no good will come from wishing them a happy birthday.

[Beardy]

I've got a birthday coming up and (perhaps stupidly) expect some sort of birthday greeting (or even a present knowing her) from the Ex.

 

Should I respond? I guess if it's just a message or card, that doesn't require a response, but what happens when an Ex (dumper) gives you a present?

[moonbug]

what happens when an Ex (dumper) gives you a present?

 

Frankly I doubt any dumper will give you a present, if they are at all worried about not sending the wrong signals. But I don't know your ex. If she does send you a gift, then the best response would be a simple 'Thank You'. Nothing more, nothing less. Polite yet not endearing.

[Beardy]

Well, she's desperate we remain friends, which I'm not interested in (it's a relationship or bust for me at the moment), so I wouldn't be surprised to receive a card/present... but equally, I'm not expecting one.

 

If I get either, I guess a simple thank you is the way to go.

[moonbug]

Well, she's desperate we remain friends, which I'm not interested in (it's a relationship or bust for me at the moment), so I wouldn't be surprised to receive a card/present... but equally, I'm not expecting one.

 

If I get either, I guess a simple thank you is the way to go.

You know what? My ex is desperate to stay friends with me too. In fact, I was dumped only days before my birthday. And she told me herself, that she wanted to do something grand for my birthday, but held back because she was worried she would be sending the wrong signals. Of course, the 'wanting to do something grand' only comes from guilt. So it doesn't help how you respond anyway. You can always make it worse though.

[thorpe]

I've sent my ex a BD card for many years, she sometimes sends a "thank's" email. It's her 40th BD coming up and I know that I'll end up sending her a Tiffany diamond bracelet and a short note because I'm weak. It's completely inappropriate, but over the top gifts are one of my issues.

[SnowFox]

I've sent my ex a BD card for many years, she sometimes sends a "thank's" email. It's her 40th BD coming up and I know that I'll end up sending her a Tiffany diamond bracelet and a short note because I'm weak. It's completely inappropriate, but over the top gifts are one of my issues.

 

I can offer to help you get over this over-the-top-gift problem.... you can send the bracelet to me! (my 40th birthday is coming up soon too!)

[lostandunhappy]

What about sending birthday greetings to her family. Its her sisters and mothers birthday the end of the week and I was a part of the family for over 8 years. Is it wrong to send them a simple text wishing them a happy birthday?

[groovygreen]

i think it's nice to still remember people at Christmas/birthdays etc. Yes, it might (and does) hurt some people so it really depends on the individual. But i guess i just think that we are all human and we all have that common need to be loved and appreciated so if you can just do something little (even a text message) to say "Happy Birthday" or "Merry Christmas" to someone EVEN someone who may be in your past (again, it depends) it might just help you too! Sometimes it can be quite a nice feeling to just send someone wishes.

 

God Bless you all!

[brandnewday47]

Scenario #2: The lukewarm "thanks for the wishes, hope you're having a nice life, cya." If you have any hopes for the first... you're gonna feel like crap. Total crap. Like what was a big deal to you is brushed aside as dust off his or her boots. Can we say "trampled?"

 

This is pretty much what happened to me. She didn't respond for five or six days, then responded with something along the lines of "thanks for the wish". Probably wouldn't have even sent it if we didn't have a random encounter a day or two before the response, an encounter which for once I didn't go out of my way to say hi or anything, just went about my business.

 

 

My BD is coming up in less than two months so it will be academically interesting to see what she does and if/how I respond.

[GenoGeno]

My ex's birthday is in October and I've been thinking about that...I think I'm going to do it because it's a nice thing to do even if they did dump you...Kind of just being the bigger person. I also think she'll be quite surprised I even took the time out of my day to remember her birthday which most people don't...haha

 

Also note this: A reconciliation happened with my friend because of a mere birthday wish. He hadn't spoken or seen her in 6 months, deleted all her accounts it was strict silence. He decided he was going to just send her a nice birthday message. Nothing to big just a nice sincere happy birthday. They started talking over it and now they're back together!

[Cedric]

Here are my thoughts:

 

Birthdays: I see nothing wrong with sending your Ex a Simple Birthday card, especially if it is their birthday a couple months after the break-up but do it this way. Send the Card, a simple card, on the actual day of their birthday so it arrives late. This could have a 2 factor impact:

 

- It will arrive late. They might have been thinking."He/She didn't remember" and they will realize how they were feeling and it gets you in their mind again.

 

Xmas: Same principle as above.

 

Valentines & Any Milestones such as what would have been a 1 year anniversary. Totally ignore these. This shows you are being Needy, Desperate and have not moved on.

 

Remember this:

"The Power in any relationship lies with the ONE who needs it the least"