Baby Steps: My Attempt at Functionality

[Debbie37]

So today was my first day at University. It wasn't bad, but it wasn't amazing either. I suppose first days aren't usually either one. Thats my understanding anyway.

 

There were no classes today, just an orientation. I arrived on campus and promptly got lost. Luckily I saw a girl holding a first year map just like me, and we teamed up and got even more lost, then finally found our groups together. She was nice, we had some good conversations. She was a lot more nervous than me. Its nice to feel like the calm, competent one sometimes.

 

So I was about ten, 15 minutes late for orientation (the girl I found it with wasn't in my group)

 

My group was ok, no one who jumped out at me, but then we were all new and confused and my personality was probably not at it's most sparkling either. Most of them seemed nice enough, one girl came here from Shang'hai just two years ago. Her English was incredable considering.

 

They did a lot of ego boosting "This is one of the most prestigious Universities in North America" ect. Probably all bull * * * * , but it was nice to hear, anyway. When I picked out this University my Mom said "Why do you want to go there with all the really bright kids?" Thanks Mom! Always nice to know you have high expectations of your daughter.

 

During the pep rally I suddenly started feeling bad, trapped and hopeless. I screamed and cheered as loud as I could to distract myself. I got a ballon and that made it a bit better.

 

I managed to lose my group, so I was on my own for checking out the clubs.

 

I took lots of brochures, then went home. I'm trying hard to get involved, ect, so I'm going to check out the interesting looking ones. I wanted to join the gay straight alliance, but it seems to have mereged with the trangendered allaince. There's nothing wrong with that, but I don't have much in common with transgendered people. Its too far removed from my life. Plus they are pushing for things like "no gender washrooms", and if I'm going to fight, I would rather it be for something like world hunger, something that effects a lot of people, rather than just the psychologically * * * * ed up West.

 

Then I went home, and got a call from my best friend, K, who goes to the same university, but in a different faculty. She invited me out to the bar and to a beer garden. I went with her, but didn't have a great time. I suddenly got extremely depressed while standing in line for the bar. It lasted for about 30 minutes then went away. I didn't feel euphoric after or anything, but even neutrality felt blissful in comparison.

 

I can't wait until later in the month, when this transition period is over. I don't have many friends at the University now, and feel lost and confused. I miss all my friends who have left the city for the school year. I am moving into residence mid month, when the building is finished. I think things will be a lot better then. Until then I just need to do my best and put myself out there. I really hate periods of transition, so this is something I'll just have to tough out.

 

I feel better now that I've got this typed out. I better go to bed so I'm rested for tomorrow, first real day of classes.

 

Wish me luck!

[Debbie37]

I don't feel good today.

 

Feelings are like the weather; they will pass.

 

I think thats an AA slogan. I think of it regardless when I feel like crap.

 

I went to spanish class on time and everything today, but the teacher wasn`t there and I have no idea what happened. It was a physics class when I got there. So I missed Spanish, if it even happened.

 

I also missed psych yesterday because my I was so late.

 

This has got to stop.

 

I`m making it my goal not to miss another class this term.

 

Good news is I`m moving into res on the 13th instead of the 15th. I hope that I can get more into university life by doing that.

 

I`m going to a party with the social club I joined tomorrow. Hope that I have fun, and that J isn`t there

 

I feel really empty at the moment.

 

I am also addicted to the internet, I think. I am trying very hard to get that out of my life, so I can make room for new, fulfilling things.

 

Its hard for people to understand, its also really embarrassing. I don`t really understand it myself.

 

I feel really empty right now.

 

I`m going to try to lose myself in school work, the way I usually lose myself on the internet or in reading.

 

I haven`t make many friends yet, but I`m hoping that will change once I move into res, and join some clubs, and do more things with the social group.

 

My roommates all seem nice, we have all contacted each other.

 

Ok, better get back to work.