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NC when you own a home together?


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Hey all,


As some of you know, I began NC with my ex this past Monday. That night after the email in which I basically said do not contact me in any way whatsoever he texted me twice with the second one saying "So I guess you are not going to talk to me at all"


You think!? It was VERY clear in my email that I couldn't talk to him because I was tired of the back and forth, does he or doesn't he know what he wants out of what we had, will he or won't he going to couples counseling... I just said ENOUGH and sent him the NC email.


Fast forward to Friday night. Go out with friends and spend the night with one of my girls. Wake up early (god do I love anxiety to find he called me twice at 1:30 am and left two text messages about how he needed to be at the house in the morning to pick up his tools and how "unacceptable" it was that I don't want him to come here! He said it was something that made him very upset with me.


I texted him and said I would leave for a bit so he could come by, then said i am not trying to keep you from your possessions or your assets - you misunderstood that email.


He wrote back again how upset he was that "once again" I was telling him what he could or could not do! Whatever.


I wrote back and said, please for the LAST TIME stop calling an dtexting me in the middle of the night. I deserve more respect than that.


He calls!? I don't answer. Then he texts again and said fine if you don't wan tto talk. How is the dog???


This is our dog who is still a puppy, that I have taken care of all this time while he neglected to do so. I refuse to talk to him about MY dog.


So all this contact yesterday sent me into an absolute tailspin. I've been diagnosed with anxiety and depression as a result of PTSD from when I was a child. I manage al this pretty darn well 99.9% of the time, but this is the first time in a very long time that anything so major has happened in my life. I tried to hang onto my emotions from the point I woke up at 6:30 until 12:15. Keep in mind that although we weren't NC until Monday we broke up all the way back on August 3rd afte two years together and buying our house together (i.e. 4 bedrooms because we were going to get married have kids etc etc)


I was sitting in starbucks, shaking so hard I couldn't pick up my cup of coffee. My heart is racing like crazy, I feel like I am going to be ill... etc. If you have ever had a panic attack I am sure you understand.


I got in my car and IMMEDIATELY drove myself over to the walk-in clinic at my regular doctor office. Burst into tears and couldn't even tell the receptionist anything other than "mental health" before they got me out of the waiting room and into triage.


So, now I go back to therapy. Back on a higher dose of medication (I've been on quite a low dose for years), back on xanax to numb myself enough to function...


I just don't know what to do. When he called last night at 8 pm, his voicemail said he was "just sitting there" and wanted to chat with me about the house and the dog. I don't think he wants to talk about "us" because we are through - but I think he wants to settle out what we are going to do about seling this place (where I am still living) and the dog which he clearly thinks he should have some right to see.


I'm so not ready. My first contact with him after beginning NC sent me to the f****** hospital with 138/100 blood pressure...


What on earth am I going to do...

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You may have to talk to settle this in the interest of both parties


I honestly don't have a problem talking things out to settle the house. The unfortunate issue is that the house is not sellable. So really? There isn't a whole lot to talk about at this point. It's only been three weeks since he dropped this bomb on me. He knows I have no where else to live but our place while he has dozens of friends and family in our area for him to turn to (mine all live some distance away).


Basically I would be willing to discuss things with him, but he is being downright rude to me for no reason and I don't feel the need in such a fragile state of mind to allow him to treat me this way.


P.S. I am myself a licensed real estate agent, and I do know enough to knwo why the place is unsellable right now - But for the sake of it not coming out of my mouth I contact the person who sold us the house and asked her to come up with a cost estimate / feasibility of selling or not.


I've also contacted a lawyer friend to find out if there is something who might be willing to have a consultation with me regarding division of assets.

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I guess what I am having the hardest time with is that his attempts to contact me half the time sound like he jsut wants to hear my voice or ask about our dog (who he clearly misses) and the other half he is telling how "unnacceptable it is that I am once again telling him what to do" byt saying don't come to the house without calling me first so I can leave.


I really desperately need NC right now and he will not allow me to have it. I ignore his calls and VM and texts and then he sends more, nastier and ruder ones.



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Why don't you put a family member or lawyer in between you for the house and change your phone number? Also I wonder if you could get a restraining order for medical reasons? You can talk to your lawyer about this too I guess...


If you can believe this one...


His mother has depression and is on medication for it. He is really close to her and has NEVER learned anything about what that is like for her. I have PTSD and he flat out told me that even if I wanted to talk about what happened, he didn't want to know aboutmy past.


Basically this guy has no idea that I was abused my entire childhood in every possible way imaginable, that I've done years of therapy and behavioral work to be a good functional woman, that I am DAMN STRONG because of it but that the result is that I have anxiety that at times needs to be controlled by mediciation.


So, trust me, I'm getting zero sympathy on that front.

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You are not giving in to what he wants, so he will just try harder, then he will give up.


Are you paying for the house all on your own now?


Well, you can put the house on the market & if it doesn't sell, then it doesn't sell & you continue to live there till it does.


We are $25,870 in negative equity on the home. Putting it on the market is useless, unfortunately.


No, he is still paying half the mortgage on it and there is no way I could afford it all on my own. Obviously that situation needs to be recitified but we jsut paid the September payment early so I don't understand why he can't give me a damn week without harassing me on text message and email so that I have time to be a rational and calmer person (which I almost always am despite my mental health status because I DO take my medication and I DO know how to function with a healthy and good life.)

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and DAMMIT I am so angry today. Thanks for listening. I am just so tired of the damn texting and calling.


Well, I understand about being upsidedown on the mortgage as that just seems to be the way things are now.


It's going to be tough but you may have to just ignore all contact that does not involve the mortage. Obviously you are going to have to work that out & come to some sort of agreement. He doubt he would pay half for long if he isn't living there. Is the house in both your names??

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We are upside down on the mortgage also because it was BRAND NEW construction and one of the first to be built. You can get our house, brand new and customized to however YOU want it for thousands less. Also our loan structure was an FHA and there was a certain program and I could go on for hours about that being the case...


Realistically I will probably end up living there alone with roomies until the market is better.


And yes, his name is on the mortgage. We bought the house jointly because we were going to get married.




Th reason the NC thing is hard right now is that a week ago, I very specifically said "I will let you know when I am ready to discuss the house and division of our property, until then do not call, text or write me for any reason"


I have no problem discussing it later but not while I am still reeling so badly from the breakup that my doctor has me on xanax to function.

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I figured after Monday when he wrote me that he took it we weren't going to talk at all that he would leave me alone. He is upset about the things I said in my stop talking to me email and read WAY too far into them so he drunk dialed me that night and left a stupid voicemail about it.


So Friday, Saturday, Sunday go by and it's call text call text. Which will likely die down until he decides again in a few days to start up.


Just keep ignoring? Really?

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I figured after Monday when he wrote me that he took it we weren't going to talk at all that he would leave me alone. He is upset about the things I said in my stop talking to me email and read WAY too far into them so he drunk dialed me that night and left a stupid voicemail about it.


So Friday, Saturday, Sunday go by and it's call text call text. Which will likely die down until he decides again in a few days to start up.


Just keep ignoring? Really?


Well not ignoring is contact right? If you are not comfortable doing that & you have stated very clearly that you will only talk about the house when you are ready, what else is there to discuss???

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Agreed. That is what I thought.


How's this for pathetic. After everything he has done to ME, I actually feel like sh*t ignoring him like this because it's jsut flat out mean and so different from who I am.


Although on the flip side of that it does make me feel a little powerful since I know it is driving him insane. Whenever we would get in an argument or he knew I was upset, he rode me until I blurted out what was bothering me.


This is his way of doing that again long distance I suppose.

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I totally know what you mean. It is not within my nature to "ignore" someone who I feel is reaching out to me. It takes every thing that I have to do it. BUT, if they were healthy people for us to be around, then we wouldn't be having to do this would we???


You will obviously have to talk at some point about the house, he is just grasping for straws. Who initiated the break up?

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