Do I accept?

[blackgnat]

My son, who I started another thread about, in Parenting & Families, basically wants to die. He has been like this since he was about 14 and it got worse after last weekend's incident-he got arrested, spent the night in jail, released himself on a bond and now is at home with me.

 

He has had big mood swings since last weekend. The day after he got out of jail, he was very depressed. Then he turned everything around and said he was going to pass any drug tests, stay away from his drug friends (who have mysteriously disappeared from the scene,since he is no longer able to get high with them) and try and have a new attitude, start a band,etc.

 

Today, he is down again, speaking of death, really just losing the will to live.

 

My question is:

 

If someone is determined to kill themselves, is there a point where we say, "I cannot stop you and now I must prepare myself mentally for the eventuality that you will do this".? Is it cruel to try and keep someone alive when they are spending every minute of the day in abject misery?

 

Believe me this would be the tragedy of my life if he was successful in his attempts. He always says he would never do it while I was alive, but admitted this morning that that's the only thing keeping him here.He is bipolar but refuses to take his meds. He doesn't want to get a job. He wants to live on the streets, NOW when his probation is over (before he wanted to, but didn't have the courage to go through with it) do drugs and drink until he is dead. This is his mission.

 

Last weekend, on 2 occasions, he took a lot of heroin with view to overdosing. He just didn't take enough and was sad that this was the case.

 

Don't know what to do.

 

So, do I accept this? Like knowing that someone you love has terminal cancer, you have to let them go. Is it ever okay to do the same for someone who is so determined?

 

Please help. Thanks.

[Aver]

How old is your son now?

 

Have either of you considered a drug treatment center?

 

How long has he been using drugs?

 

If he's been into hardcore drugs for a while now mood swings, suicidal thoughts and actions, and general depression are common when he's not high. GET HIM OFF DRUGS. In my honest opinion, you should not accept this. You are his mother and you should be doing everything in your power to keep him healthy and happy. If he's underage put him in a rehabilitation center. He will probably hate it, and hate you for it, but in the long run when he's healthy again he'll most likely thank you a great deal. If he's over 18 the best you can do in encourage him to seek help.

[timetoremember]

I am so sorry that you are in this situation. Very hard. I see this from a couple of ways. As one that has wanted to commit suicide, it's very hard to see a way out of depression and the situation that I was in. BUT, at the same time, I didn't have a medical condition attached to it, it was situational. From the other side, I had a friend, who in no way could see a way out of his problems. He was depressed, anxious, thoughts kept going around in his head that he couldn't shut off and his question was just as you ask? Shouldn't I be allowed to just die? Stop all this nonsense in my head? Isn't it selfish to stop me from doing that?.....my answer from me? I could see where he was coming from, I really could, but I for one, would NEVER, NEVER give up on trying to find solutions for him. NOW, if it happened that he decided to commit suicide, then I would have to face that fact that I had done everything I could (even when he shut me out) and it wasn't through any fault of my own that he had decided to take his life. This is a crazy mixed up world for a lot of people, and personally, I would like to help all of them, but it's just not possible or feasible. I wish you all the best, and please, please look after yourself as well. You're important too.

[timetoremember]

Oh...and I guess aside from the emotional response that I just gave,...the practical response would be the same as Aver has just said....get him off the drugs, away from his so called friends...(move if you have to) and get him healthy. But again, look after yourself. Take care.

[blackgnat]

Thanks for the replies. He is 19, so I can't put him in a treatment center without his consent. He is determined to get off drugs, but this has isolated him from his friends, who are still in the grip of it all. Subsequently he feels lonely.

 

Thanks for acknowledging that it's hard for me, too. It's a lot to try and be the sounding board for someone who feels so helpless. He will not go to the ER, to a doctor, to a psychiatrist. Right now, he is taking Xanax and sleeping, but he can't do that for the rest of his life.

 

I feel so hopeless. There's just not going to be a happy ending here.

[blackgnat]

He has tried lots of moves in the last 2 years, but freely admits that he wants to gravitate back to drugs. Says if he could choose any lifestyle he wanted to, he would take heroin and drink alcohol until he overdosed. That's his ideal.

 

What am I supposed to do with a person who think like that? This is my baby! Why is he so unhappy? I can't believe that I created someone who doesn't want to be on this earth. It's agony.

[timetoremember]

Firstly, this is not your fault. Secondly, it was his choice in the first place to take drugs...which just screws up the brain chemisty altogether. I know you feel helpless, so it might be a good idea to get yourself to a counsellor and have a back up person in your corner. Of course he will say he wants to gravitate back to drugs...they are all consuming (where does he get his money from??)

[Aver]

He's unhappy because he's not high. That's one of the reasons hardcore drugs are so destructive. They somewhat re-wire your brain so that it no longer produces the correct levels of hormones and chemicals needed to pretty much feel like a normal human being. I don't know the details of your son's drug use, but if he's been using regularly for even a short amount of time than he's probably going through withdrawals right now. If that's so his feelings and mind set are pretty normal.

 

I had experimented with blow a few times and I'll tell you from personal experience that coming down was THE most awful feeling I have ever experienced. It's lonesome, hopeless, and downright depressing. Which is why I decided "I am never going to do this again, the "fun" while I'm high is not worth feeling this way in the end."

 

I can't imagine how hard it would be to fight a heroin addiction, especially without a healthy mindset. Your son needs help, love. It is not hopeless, people have been through situations like this and turned their life around. Encourage him to take care of himself. Don't enable him in any way. When he speaks of suicide tell him he CAN get through this, he CAN get healthy. Only encourage healthy behaviors. You can also try to "detox" his system in a sense at home. Vitamins, as much water as he will drink, healthy foods will help clean out his system. This will not cure his depression or drug addiction but if he refuses to go to treatment it will help his body get healthier quicker. Do some research online, there is a lot of information out there and there are specific vitamins and food that will help.

[amipushy]

You absolutely do NOT accept. He is telling you he cannot cope with life so you need to step up and take action. If he won't speak to his doctor, a psychiatrist etc then you MUST. It sounds like you are giving up hope when his condition can be treated. Have him committed if necessary. DO NOT ACCEPT.

[blackgnat]

He has been using drugs for maybe 6 years now-starting with glue sniffing as a 13 year old, on to weed, tried pretty much everything, but always promising he'd never done and would never do heroin.

 

That changed, but I was so naive-I thought it was a really recent development, but maybe it wasn't. That's what he got arrested for last Sunday.

 

His mood swings are all over the place. At any point during the day (did I mention he is bipolar?) he can be in abject misery and an hour later, have a sense of hope and optimism.

 

But, he does have an attitude problem. Doesn't want to work. Wants me to provide for him. It's really a manipulative ploy of his. He was getting his money by selling drugs.

[Aver]

He needs help. Have you talked to him about going back into treatment?

 

You may want to look into seeing a counselor yourself. You need to stay strong, clearheaded, and focused if your going to be any help to him.

[amipushy]

I agree with Aver, you need your own support system. None of us on here are professionally qualified to do that. Seek immediate professional help for the both of you before its too late.

[Sarati]

These are tough, painful questions, and really care about your son. He was once your little baby boy! Then a toddler, then a little kid....it's so hard to watch them suffer. But you must do the RIGHT THING.

 

I see that he is not a minor, and thereforee must give his consent for rehab or voluntarily check into a psychiatric hospital or treatment facility. He is ultimately responsible for his own safety and well-being, but right now he is out of control, due to withdrawal from hard drugs, and he is crying out for help. His loved ones MUST step in and help get him into a safe environment where he is supervised and cannot harm himself. The best place for someone who is despondent and self-destructive is in a psychiatric hospital. You may have to orchestrate an intervention, or do some research on how to get him firmly but lovingly escorted to a psychiatric hospital. Good luck, I truly feel for you. When my daughter was 20, she lived with an abusive boyfriend, and would not tell me, in fact took great pains to hide from me, where she lived. I pieced together enough scanty information from remembered conversations to finally figure out where she was. It took my me, my ex-husband, his father, and the cops to get her out of there one night when she feared for her life. This is h9LL you are going through, so make sure you have support for your own stress, but you must also figure out a way to get him into a safe place.

[K12]

interesting thread, I never really had a good relationship with my dad and today I spoke to him and sounded all depressed and I could tell he cared, I could hear in his voice how much it pained him that I was in so much pain

 

Truthfully the last 4 months it seems I have been trying to work up the courage to kill myself

 

Then when I spoke to him and heard how much it pained him to hear me in pain it really bothered me and made me think twice

 

I will say with all these issues I have, both psychological and medical at this moment, I dont see how I can go on, but I feel for my dad, if I did decide to go through with it I will probably write a letter or have a heart to heart conversation I know it wont be easy and I doubt my dad would be willing to just let me go, but I guess it comes down to me

 

I feel for my dad though, because I know he wasnt the greatest dad and I didnt have the greatest childhood and if I did decide to kill myself I doubt he would be able to forgive himself and he would probably be in such tremendous guilt he would probably kill himself

 

But I really * * * * ed myself over the last few years and didnt stand up for myself at different times and basically led myself to the shape I am in and that shouldnt be my dads fault

[waveseer]

K12, what happenned over the last few years?

 

blackgnat, in most places he can be declared a danger to himself or others and admitted involuntarily. Alternatively he could be arrested again and held long enough to change his mind about getting clean. Detox is always an option as is long term treatment. It might be worth it for you to send him when he's ready.

[justignoreme]

if he is bipolar, get him back on his meds, pronto.