ex broke up with me while we were out of town, now I'm returning home

[tone_deaf]

Hello everyone, I know I'm new here. But reading everyone's situation has been so calming for me, in terms of this breakup that I'm going through. And I wanted to hear if there is any advice you may be able to give me.

 

I was dating my ex for a little over a year. It was a rocky relationship, filled with intense arguments and intense joys. A few weeks ago we took a road trip out to CA, where we were both going to be teaching in a summer camp. The road trip was just like our relationship. We had one very intense argument, and then we shared some amazing moments together.

 

I dropped her at the summer camp (we were both instructors--she's 31, I'm 37), and then went on to mine. Within a week she had met another of the instructors at her camp, kissed him, then called me to tell me as much, and that she wanted to break up. She wanted her freedom. I told her I was willing to work through this, that the trip out there had shown me even more ways that I could love her. But after a couple days of back and forth, it wasn't enough for her, and she ended our relationship.

 

It's been very painful. And as I get closer to home (where I've learned from friends she has since returned, with the guy from the summer camp), I get more and more upset about it. I'm angry, and I'm saddened. And mostly, I just don't understand why she's done this. I don't understand how to accept that our relationship could be invalidated after just a week of meeting someone else. And I don't understand how she could be so callous of the place I've had in her life. Breaking up is one thing, but to break up for the sake of going after someone else feels so much more hurtful.

 

I guess I'm looking for any advice you guys can give me. We are part of the same circles, and work at the same place. I'm not afraid of whose friends will be whose, as I've talked to most of the people that we know in common, and they're all appalled by her behavior, and shocked at how she's treating me. I guess I'm looking for what I can expect. Sorry this post is so long. The other guy lives, I think, in Seattle, so I don't think he's going to be in Houston, where I am, for much longer. But...

 

Anyway, thanks in advance for any advice you may be able to offer.

[Rising]

It's been very painful. And as I get closer to home (where I've learned from friends she has since returned, with the guy from the summer camp), I get more and more upset about it. I'm angry, and I'm saddened. And mostly, I just don't understand why she's done this. I don't understand how to accept that our relationship could be invalidated after just a week of meeting someone else. And I don't understand how she could be so callous of the place I've had in her life. Breaking up is one thing, but to break up for the sake of going after someone else feels so much more hurtful.

 

Your relationship wasn't invalidated by a week of meeting someone else. As you described, your relationship was rocky and tumultuous from the beginning. I imagine she was thinking about the end of the road awhile before this summer and her being on her own and having attention from someone else that she began to like was just enough to trigger the break up. It's a very rare case that someone in a completely blissful relationship will just up and end it in such a short time period. I'm thinking that this was coming, at least in her mind.

 

I'm not sure if there is something more that she is doing to hurt you, but breaking things off and dating someone isn't about you at all... and that's most likely where the pain is coming from. You were probably in an acceptance of the back and forth, good and bad nature of your relationship with her; whereas, she was feeling unhappy about it and thinking that it was coming to an end.

 

Of course this is just my take. I could be wrong, but I've seen it before a couple times and it seems somewhat similar.

 

The best thing you can do is take some time to figure out what you would want in a healthy happy relationship and talk to your friends as much as you need to. You can expect her to be excited about this new thing with the guy and probably not interested in hashing out the icky parts of closure in the relationship with you... and there's a chance she will contact you once the guy has to return to his part of the country... maybe to have your attention back or maybe to get closure on some level. Hard to say though.

Just spend your emotional energy on self improvements and working towards your goals and it won't be time ill-spent.

 

-Rising

[tone_deaf]

Thanks Rising.

 

Yeah, the fact is that we were both unhappy about our relationship. There have been times during this breakup when I've been relieved not to have to deal with her, and her insecurities, and all the reasons that made us have arguments at least once a week. It was exhausting for me as well as her. And perhaps my biggest problem in all this was waiting for her to relax around me. I can't believe I dated someone for a year who couldn't or wouldn't believe me when I told her nice things about herself.

 

Anyway. What I'm saying is that this end should have come much earlier, but I had talked her out of the breakup too many times to count.

 

I guess one of the biggest points of self-improvement is figuring out when commitment isn't healthy if it means being committed to an unhealthy relationship. It's just hard not to miss her in all this.

[j0shua]

im sorry to hear this man. she cheated on you by kissing this guy and getting involved.

 

i know its painful to lose some one, and i know you miss her.

 

its been months and months for me and i still dwell on and miss my ex-wife some days...

 

it gets better...

[Takotsubo]

I'm sorry you had to go through that. It's a horrible feeling, to get cheated on and have it end like that.

 

Just look up. You've got nowhere to go but straight to the top. Some days will be harder than other days, but when I remind myself about it, I'm still chipper. =)

 

Keep your head up!

[tone_deaf]

Thanks a lot guys.

 

Yeah, it's still pretty new, as in it's just been a little more than 2 weeks. Thank goodness I haven't called her, or texted her, or emailed her since it happened. I've read the posts here, and I can tell from my own experience, no contact is the only way to go. The space helps me to find the resolve to go ahead.

 

It is painful, though. I'm sorry to hear, J0shua, that it's still is rough for you. I know this ex is always going to be a part of me. I just hope that that part can eventually live on a shelf away from pulling down my life.