Jealous?

[slc333]

I have been dating a girl for about 9 months. Her brother lives in the same town and they have an unusually close relationship. When we started dating, they would hang out 3-4 times every week. I don't mind that they hang out, it's just he always has these other single guys he brings along. I know he does not like the fact that she spends so much time with me. He's said things to their parents like "She never hangs out with her friends anymore." And he tells her that she's changed since she met me. I've told her that it makes me fee a little weird when she goes out with her brother and then all these other guys show up. She'll say that she and her brother are going to hang out, so to me that means her and her brother. But more times than not these other guys show up.

And now this winter, her brother bought her a snowboarding pass and they make plans to go about twice a week. Sometimes other guys are there, sometimes they're not. She invites me along, but I really don't want to go. I'm just getting tired of her hanging with her brother so often. And her brother seemingly trying to get in the way of our relationship.

So I need some advice on that. I'm tired of having the same conversations with her about hanging out with her brother's single friends. I always feel like if I choose to not see her one night, she'll just go hang out with these other guys. I want to give her a dose of her own medicine, but I'm fairly new to this town and don't have any girls that are friends. I can't very well start trying to make all these new girlfriends without her getting suspicious. Anyway. Advice would be good.

[Frodo Baggins]

"A dose of her own medicine" is the worst thing you could possibly do; I don't want to speak on her brother's behalf, but if is trying to break you two up, you'd be doing exactly what he wants you to do. Doing that only adds fuel to the fire as you would be putting those same feelings you have into her head, thus creating anamosity.

 

In the matter here, her brother is definitely in the wrong. If he feels that she's changed or that she isn't hanging out with her friends as much, then that's her business, not his. He really needs to butt out since he's obviously interfering in a relationship that doesn't concern him.

 

What would the other members here at the board think of the following idea: of you sitting down with your girlfriend and having a conversation about her brother? If you do, DO NOT accuse her brother of anything, that will only make her defensive and she will take his side by default. But rather tell her that you feel a little uncomfortable with her brother being too much of a presense in the relationship, that you appreciate the bond she and her brother have, but that your relationship is with her, not her and her brother. And to reassure her, you could say that even though she's your girlfriend, she'll always be his sister, so as to easy any apprehension she might have.

[Beec]

Jealous seems to be one word you could use, but I think the real issues are whether you feel secure in the relationship and whether you trust her. If not, what has she done to be mistrusted? Perhaps the only thing I can see is that she has not stuck up for you toward her brother.

 

If I were you, I would try to hang out with her brother and become his friend, if possible. It would be much better for you to have him on your side.

[slc333]

Hey. Thanks for the replies. I have sat down with her to talk about her brother. She acknowledges that he is in the wrong here. So I appreciate that, but it still hasn't changed much. He calls her almost every night trying to get her to go out with him. After 9 months you'd think he'd be asking us to both come along. But it's usually something where she'll say, my brother wants to do this, do you want to go with me?

 

I like her brother okay. And I have tried to be his friend. He's just hard to figure out. He's 26 and he's never had a girlfriend. He seems to get all his female attention from his sister. That just doesn't seem healthy for him or her if you ask me. I'm not trying to steal her away from her brother, but if our relationship is going to work, I am going to need to know that I am of a high priority in her life. I want to be a part of her family. I want our relationship to grow. She says that I am important to her and that she needs me. We've talked about moving in together. We've talked about getting married. But she seems caught up in trying to please too many people. She tries so hard to meet her brother's demands. I don't demand. But she'll go a few days focusing on pleasing me. But nothing ever really seems to change. I'm trying to be patient. Maybe I'm asking too much.